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Cuffed
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Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 7
3 yr Member
Default Nov 19, 2020 at 01:38 AM
  #1
Hello this is an update from a post I made months ago. In my last post I talk about how I deal with "something" that causes me to mess up anything and everything I do. Since then I've confirmed that it is indeed a form of anxiety, and I also know some practices that can potentially help me get over this problem but I still don't understand *what* is actually causing me to mess up. I'll try to explain my current situation, how I got here, what I've done in the past to try to get over it, and what I think the solution is. Every time I try to explain this I tend to be all over the place so if you have any questions, please ask, if you have any advice that may help put me on the right track it would mean the world to me if you could share it with me, anything helps.

Okay so my current plan is to "re-wire" my minds' way of thinking, I'm sure now that the cause of my inability to do things properly is due to negative underlying thoughts that have been ingrained into my head over the past 7 years of my life. (I'm 17) In the past I had no idea that I was actually dealing with something like this, I just played games a bunch and thought that I was just having bad days, but there were way too many instances of me suddenly playing very good and being able to hold that performance boost for a bit before losing it. When I realized that I wasn't just having bad days I started looking up the reason as to why my performance kept wavering. around this same time I was getting into middle school and during the transition from elementary to middle school I developed a weird stutter and speech block, which was weird because I was a VERY social and talkative person before hand and this completely ruined my confidence and social skills. A couple years pass and I finally realize that the issues that I have with my performance in games was connected to my speech issues, my wavering handwriting, Etc. So I began looking for my own solutions to this problem which is probably what caused my anxiety to get as bad as it is now because I remember coming up with unrealistic solutions that would sometimes work as a placebo but ultimately fail. I would list down some of them but it would be very hard to explain how they would help me at all because they were all very vague and personal tips. I did this and repeated it for years until very recently where I stopped focusing on what it "felt" like that 1 time I was able to do things normally. I started paying attention to my thoughts instead, which lead me in the right direction but I still wasn't coming up with solutions that helped at all. Were gonna skip to when I posted my first thread on this site

Okay, lets focus on my progress since my first post on this site in august and why I'm currently struggling to get further. So a person recommended mindfulness meditation on my last post, which was something that I've heard of before from a school therapist but never believed it would help. I was in a very desperate mood so anything I got, I tried and so I asked him to send me some links to mindfulness meditation videos. I researched mindfulness and realized that this was very well something that may be able to help me, I then found out more about the CBT triangle and then in the past week I've been learning more about neuroplasticity. All this information is very useful to learn but over these years, this anxiety has really taken over my life. Every. Single. Part of it. I can't think without feeling this anxiety, I can't breathe without feeling this anxiety, I can't dream without feeling this anxiety. These negative thoughts are constant and this feeling is constant to the point where I cant tell what's making me mess up, it just happens. My normal way of life is constantly messing things up and I feel like I've passed the point of no return years ago. Obviously I know that things can change but I'm unsure as to what I need to focus on to even begin going in the right direction. About 2 months ago I did it, I finally started mindfulness meditation for the first time and I was taking it really seriously and I'm not sure how long I kept at it but I saw good results so damn fast it was scary and it was the biggest rush because it feels like my whole life all I've ever known is being unsure if something is going to go the way I want it to and being 100% that it wont. But for the first time I was just doing it, I didn't even think I just did it and it worked, I played games and it worked, I spoke to people without being scared that I would mess up and it worked. But I got way too ahead of myself when I began trying to do all the things I've been dying to do properly my whole life at the same time. Those negative thoughts were still there, they weren't completely gone yet so they crept up on me while I was having a field day doing my favorite things and playing my favorite games at a much higher level that they eventually took over and it seemed as if all my progress disappeared. Ever since then it's been incredibly hard to get back into that groove of meditation and hasn't worked like it did the first time. There's just so many different factors in my life that keep me from being able to get to that point again that I cant even list down. I'm sorry that this paragraph took a somewhat depressed turn but that's my reality that I have to deal with right now and I need someone to help give some pointers as to what I can start doing first because as long as I deal with this problem I wont be able to learn or get good at anything. I may be improving subconsciously but whether I do something well depends on my state of mind which is 99% of the time negative and I cant control it. I've got big plans and goals for the future based on what I know I can do and this problem has taken over my life for far too long.

This next paragraph will be me ranting to take some weight off my shoulders, you don't need to read this I'm unsure how much I'm gonna write but I know I will feel a bit better after I'm done...
It Feels as if my whole life I've been trying to fix this stupid problem, It doesn't seem like anxiety at first because I don't get scared of social situations anymore even though I deal with this speech problem I cut enough corner to make it seem as if I can hold a conversation like I used to, just way duller conversations. I've never heard of a problem that very literally takes my ability to function properly away because of anxiety?? All I did for years is work towards getting back to my old self and all of it is in vain because no matter how hard I practice anything I can never get better as long as I deal with this. I feel like I lack a standard human ability. It sucks knowing that I've poured THOUSANDS of hours into my personal hobbies trying to get better at them and knowing that I am very talented but cant prove a damn thing to anyone. The amount of things I had left out in the paragraphs above is insane, I wish I could just show people an inside look on my mind because I feel like I'm breaking records. When I type I feel anxiety, when I try to think of words to use I have anxiety when I do literally NOTHING there's anxiety. It's just my normal way of thinking now and I sucks to know that there's a hell of a journey waiting for me if I plan on getting rid of it. I'm 17 now and in my last year of high school, I have a job interview in 4 days and an interview for a paid internship in the near future just because of the classes I take. I am terrified of the things I might mess up if I get these jobs but at the same time I know I need to take these steps because without them I wont be able to reach my own goals. My future means everything to me and I want to do a complete 180 flip of my current life because I know who I can be and I know what I can do. I have so much dedication and so many different talents that I want to be able to show the world, even though I've never been able to accomplish anything nor have I been able to prove anything I know that I am truly gifted and deserving of the future I envision for myself. All I know is working towards my goals and once I get over this stupid problem all this hard work will pay off 10 fold. I know it.
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Default Nov 19, 2020 at 04:25 AM
  #2
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. - Lao Tzu
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Thanks for this!
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Prycejosh1987
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Member Since: Jul 2020
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Default Nov 30, 2020 at 12:07 PM
  #3
You seem to know what you need to do and what anxiety has done to you. I wish you all the best. Just remember that usually anxiety and depression has what i call triggers. There are things and situations that bring anxiety out.
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