In the summer of 2018, I was hospitalized.
It changed me, gave me severe anxiety though I'd never experienced it at an abnormal level. It took me until just a few months ago to really start understanding how much it affected me.
The simplest explanation is looking at attachment styles, prior to this, for the most part, I fit into the dismissive-avoidant. But after on top of moving back in with my parents as an adult. I was suddenly very anxious, felt more submissive, and I fit more the unorganized/fearful type. Getting back to normal is being able to have control over my emotions and not so anxious and easily affected about so many things like being afraid of being abandoned and the loss of relationships. Now, these things I don't have control over send me into a panic, rather than just focusing on the things I can control and my own independence and can't tell or even believe myself when I say I'm fine. While I never thought extremely high of myself my self-esteem is shot. I'm not sure how to move forward, and hate that all I can find is giving myself time. I'm trying to convince myself to go back to therapy but I notice just how much my boundaries have changed and feel even less safe because of this.

[Yaowen]

Hi Roseboi,

What you describe is something I can definitely relate to. It took me an agonizingly long time to move forward after having been hospitalized for mental illness. That time was just awful beyond words.
Just nightmarishly awful.

I know I am not in your shoes and I wouldn't want to trespass on the absolute uniqueness of your experience, but I think I have at least some idea of the terrible ordeal you are going through. Those who have never experienced the same or similar things cannot understand. I think you are very heroic!

-- Yao Wen.

[bpcyclist]

I really relate to you, roseboi. I do think therapy could be very helpful to you. These kinds of tramatic experienecs are with us forever, in my experience. They never go away. Never. But we can learn to cope with them better by employing skills and tools that we did not previously have. I still struggle, years later. My life is forever altered and to pretend otherwise is to be living in a dreamworld. But I can get through it. One day at a time. And you can too.

Get some support. Some help. I think you will find developing new skills can be very helpful. Hnag in there!!