horse humor

nushi · Apr 05, 2015 at 07:37 AM

Those posts are SO fun lizardlady

& they SO make me wanna see a horse right now, kiss him, & hug him

I love horses so much, but I never got the chance to ride one, 'cause they're too expensive here

But there are some slums in the city here, where poor agrarian people use horses to sell their farm-crops in the city. & the horses they use look so poor, unattended for, & so miserable, that when I pass by one of them I try to look deeply into his eyes & emotionally connect with him. They make me remember the "Black Beauty" novel that always makes me cry...

Sorry to make some sad talk in this funny thread

gayleggg · Apr 05, 2015 at 08:47 AM

lizardlady · Apr 05, 2015 at 09:37 AM

Nushi, would the farmers let you pet their horses? It might bring a little happiness to your life and the horse's.

gayleggg · Apr 06, 2015 at 10:19 AM

nushi · Apr 06, 2015 at 04:47 PM

Good idea

I'll definitely try this out one day, when I find some time...

Quote:

Originally Posted by lizardlady

Nushi, would the farmers let you pet their horses? It might bring a little happiness to your life and the horse's.

googley · Apr 18, 2015 at 12:32 PM

lizardlady · Jun 20, 2015 at 02:03 PM

You know you're a horse person when...

- Every time you drive past a road construction sight you think what nice jumps the barricades would make

- You say "whoa" to the dog

- There are bits soaking in your bathroom sink.

- You can't make it to work because of bad weather, but somehow still make it to the barn.

- You are totally grossed out by human hair in the sink or tub, but don't mind horse hair in your washer, on your clothes, in your food

- You are unreasonably pleased to get a horse item, ANY horse item, as a gift. "They really cared!!!"

- Every time you go to the stable, it takes 3 hours and you can't imagine where the time went.

- After you just got stepped on, and a non-horse person asks you if you are alright, and you say "what"? not realizing what they are talking about.

- You teach your little brother to skip by getting him to "canter", then "switch leads" until he's doing one-tempi flying changes (skipping!).

- Y ou count strides to the crack in the sidewalk, and then step over it

lizardlady · Jun 20, 2015 at 02:06 PM

If Horses had Bumper Stickers

HONK...if you wanna see me spook!!

"If you can read this, you're about to be kicked in the face"

I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!

"Turn signals are for amateurs." - unbroke 3 yr old.

"Choose Life: Stay Outta My Way!!!"

"You Name it, I Jump it!!!"

"Got Grain?"

"It's not trouble until I'm in the middle of it." - 4 month old colt.

can't jump today...the voices told me to stay home and clean my bucket.

lizardlady · Jun 20, 2015 at 02:08 PM

Top 10 Reasons Horses Are Better Than Husbands

10. If they don't work out you can sell them.

9. They don't come with in-laws.

8. You don't have to worry about your children looking like them

7. You never have to iron their saddle pads.

6. You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape.

5. It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence"

4. You can force them to stay in good physical condition.

3. They turn white with age, but not bald.

2. They learn to accept restraint.

1. They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot!

lizardlady · Jun 20, 2015 at 02:10 PM

Top 10 Ways to Become A Better Equestrian

10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get off, Stupid, GET OFF!"

9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.

8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.

7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.

6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.

5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See hon, moving hay bales is FUN!" and "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place."

4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.

3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be -- bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...

2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is ..."

1. THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: Marry money.

lizardlady · Jun 20, 2015 at 02:15 PM

Actually most of these are not jokes, most are true!

Things You Wish You Could Tell Non-Horse People...

1. A Pony is NOT a Baby Horse
2. There is a distinct difference between being Bucked-off and FALLING-off
3. Trotting is NOT the same thing as Galloping.
4. The horses in the field are NOT blindfolded
5. The horses in the field laying in the sun are NOT dead, they're just napping.
6 Jumping is not what you see in the old western movies
7 You cannot just throw a saddle on ANY horse, and expect to ride it.
8- Yes it IS hard to ride a horse, no it does NOT do all the work and NO you don't just SIT THERE.
9- yes, in the wild horses didn't live in stalls, wear blankets or get their feet trimmed, but they also did not do dressage or jump 3' with an extra 180# on their backs.
10. There's a difference between galloping for fun and being run away with.
11. Just because my horse is a boy does not mean he is a stallion.
12. Kicking a horse in the ribs and yelling "YAAAHHH" isn't the appropriate way to start.
13. An awful lot of the big names in the movies actually couldn't really ride that well. The horse deserved his own award for tolerance.
14. I'm 23. I have a degree in equine science. I'M NOT GOING TO GROW OUT OF IT. ITS NO LONGER JUST A PHASE!
15. In real life, horses do not whinny constantly like they do in the movies.
16. She's not "white", she's a grey.
17. No, he will not automatically kick you if you walk behind him.
18. Not *all* horses are either Beer Horses (Clydesdales) or Race Horses.
19. Just because you are a good rider doesn't mean you no longer need a trainer.
20. Not ALL baby horses are COLTS! Girl horse babies are called FILLIES!
21. Getting a pony and keeping it in your backyard for the kids is not a good idea.
22. The nails in shoes are NOT sticking into the 'feeling' part. They horse really can't feel the nails. I promise.
23. Rearing is not cool.
24. just because you have children, and I have horses, does not mean that the two groups shall be joined together, EVER.
25. No, these full chaps are ONLY used for riding horses, and no, I won't wear them in the bedroom!
26. ALL chaps are Butt-less. If they had a butt, they'd be leather pants, wouldn't they?
27. There is no such thing as an Albino horse. They are Cremello, smokey cream, pearl, Perlino ....etc.....

Open Eyes · Jun 20, 2015 at 02:30 PM

Oh Liz, I just saw this thread and am enjoying it very much.

Thanks,
OE

lizardlady · Jun 20, 2015 at 03:01 PM

True story about #4 in the list of things you wish you could tell non-horse people (The horses in the field are NOT blindfolded)

We put mesh fly masks on the horses to keep bugs out of their eyes. My farrier told me one of his other clients had a visit from animal control one day because her neighbor reported her for "abusing" her horses by blind folding them. She was peeved, but showed the officer that it is easy to see through the mesh and explained the reason for the masks. I understand the neighbor being worried about the horses, but why not say something to the owner????

Perna · Jun 20, 2015 at 03:13 PM

lizardlady · Jun 20, 2015 at 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perna

SeekerOfLife · Jun 20, 2015 at 04:20 PM

"They do not care what you look like, as long as you have peppermints!!!

SeekerOfLife · Jun 20, 2015 at 04:32 PM

Oh, Liz, I did not know you were only 23!

. I had supposed you were middle age like me.

Thank you, so much for these. I especially liked, "Things you wish you could tell non-horse people."

lizardlady · Jun 20, 2015 at 07:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeekerOfLife

Oh, Liz, I did not know you were only 23!

????? Huh?????? I'm an old fart - almost 61. What makes you think I'm 23?!?!?!

SeekerOfLife · Jun 20, 2015 at 07:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lizardlady

????? Huh?????? I'm an old fart - almost 61. What makes you think I'm 23?!?!?!

It appears you said you were 23 in post # 51.

( point # 14)

lizardlady · Jun 20, 2015 at 07:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeekerOfLife

It appears you said you were 23 in post # 51.

That's what happens when I cut and paste from another source. I guess I should have edited to say I'm 61 and not going to grow out of it. BTW, I don't have a degree in equine science either. They didn't exist back in the dark ages when I was in college.

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gayleggg Legendary Wise Elder Community Liaison Member Since Apr 2013 Location: Texas Posts: 26,619 (SuperPoster!) 11 10.4k hugs given	Apr 05, 2015 at 08:47 AM #42 __________________ Bipolar I, Depression, GAD Meds: Zoloft, Zyprexa, Ritalin "Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most." -Buddha zaicy1@gmail.com
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lizardlady Legendary Member Since Nov 2002 Location: Mid World Posts: 17,483 (SuperPoster!) 21 7,513 hugs given	Apr 05, 2015 at 09:37 AM #43 Nushi, would the farmers let you pet their horses? It might bring a little happiness to your life and the horse's.
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gayleggg Legendary Wise Elder Community Liaison Member Since Apr 2013 Location: Texas Posts: 26,619 (SuperPoster!) 11 10.4k hugs given	Apr 06, 2015 at 10:19 AM #44 __________________ Bipolar I, Depression, GAD Meds: Zoloft, Zyprexa, Ritalin "Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most." -Buddha zaicy1@gmail.com
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googley Wise Elder Member Since Jan 2009 Posts: 7,516 15 486 hugs given	Apr 18, 2015 at 12:32 PM #46
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,108 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.3k hugs given	Jun 20, 2015 at 02:30 PM #52 Oh Liz, I just saw this thread and am enjoying it very much. Thanks, OE
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Perna Pandita-in-training Member Since Sep 2006 Location: Maryland Posts: 27,289 (SuperPoster!) 17 550 hugs given	Jun 20, 2015 at 03:13 PM #54
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SeekerOfLife Legendary Member Since Jul 2013 Location: Foothills, where I belong Posts: 14,593 (SuperPoster!) 10 4,064 hugs given	Jun 20, 2015 at 04:20 PM #56 "They do not care what you look like, as long as you have peppermints!!!
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SeekerOfLife Legendary Member Since Jul 2013 Location: Foothills, where I belong Posts: 14,593 (SuperPoster!) 10 4,064 hugs given	Jun 20, 2015 at 04:32 PM #57 Oh, Liz, I did not know you were only 23! . I had supposed you were middle age like me. Thank you, so much for these. I especially liked, "Things you wish you could tell non-horse people."
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