horse humor

Okay we have threads for cats, dogs and bunnies. Let's give horses a turn.

Well Liz, glad to hear that all them landings are not completely smooth. I won't feel so bad when I take flying lessons...oops I mean riding lessons! LOL

CANDC, it's not the falling that bothers me. It's the sudden stop at the end!

This one is true.

I love this thread. When I was young I had the most fabulous friend, who just happened to be a horse. She helped me through many struggles that teenagers go through. She will always have a place in my heart. Thanks for honoring her and all the other fantastic horses in the world.

Best wishes, Gayle
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I was tacking up the horse yesterday. Normally, he is eager to get going. This time he repeatedly yawned. Guess I was not saddling fast enough.

Keep the photos coming. I cannot post them.

All I Need to Know in Life I Learned From My Horse

1. When in doubt, run far, far away.
2. You can never have too many treats.
3. Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
4. New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
5. Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
6. Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
7. Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.
8. Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
10. Eat plenty of roughage.
11. Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
12. When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
13. In times of crisis, take a poop.
14. Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
15. Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
16. A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
17. Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.

The Horse Dictionary

Arena: Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.
Bit: Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the extremely sensitive tissues of the mouth.
Bucking: Counterirritant.
Crossties: Gymnastic apparatus.
Dressage: Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit.
Fence: Barrier that protects good grazing.
Grain: Sole virtue of domestication.
Hitching rail: Means by which to test one's strength.
Horse trailer: Mobile cave bear den.
Jump: An opportunity for self-expression.
Latch: Type of puzzle.
Longeing: Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay.
Owner: Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding.
Rider: Owner overstepping its bounds.
Farrier: Disposable surrogate owner useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply.
Trainer: Owner with mob connections.
Veterinarian: Flightless albino vulture.

A Real Dressage Test: Basic Level

A Enter extraordinary serpentine
X Halt
G Try again.
C Freeze in horror at Judge's stand. Take opportunity to salute hurriedly.
C Track to left in counterflexed bolt.
E Irregular polyhedron left, 20 meters, plus or less 5 meters
FXH Change rein unextended jig.
H Canter, or counter canter, or crosscanter
M-F Working out-of-hand gallop
C Down center line, working trot bouncing
X Pulley rein. Halt. Salute, exhale.
Leave arena in free walk, loose language under breath

You Know Your A Real Horse Person When...

you change lanes while driving and your "inside" leg moves to apply pressure. (I've actually done this!)

you click to your dog.

you click to your friends.

you've taught your dog to longe.

there is at least one saddle in your living room. (mine's in the bedroom)

while jogging, your "inside" leg extends farther to help you balance.

you think the 5th fairway would make a great galloping lane.

while walking your dog, you hold the leash like a rein.

you post over speed bumps.

you half-halt your dog while out walking.

you show up in city clothes dressed for appointments and when you get there people reach over the breakfast table to pick alfalfa out of your hair.

you're trying to get by a co-worker in a restricted space and instead of saying "excuse me" to him/her, you cluck at them instead.

no one wants to ride in your car because they'll get sweet feed and hay in their socks and purses...but that's ok because then you'd have to rearrange all the tack to make room for them, anyway!

your spouse does something nice for you and you say "good boy" or "atta girl" and pat him/her on the neck.

your boyfriend complains that you love your horse more then you love him and you answer: "And your point is?"

you are totally grossed out by human hair in the sink or tub, but don't mind horse hair in your washer, on your clothes, in your food.

you consider a pristine golf course as a waste of good pasture land. (True dat!)

you buy duct tape by the case, and carry rolls in your pocketbook, your briefcase, and the console of your car.

you realize that finding a horse shoe truly is lucky because you've saved ten bucks.

you say "whoa" to the dog.

you say "whoa" to your truck.

your spouse brings the new saddle to bed so it can be worked on it while watching TV.

you see the vet more than you see your child's pediatrician. (No kids so not pediatrician, but see the vet more than my own doc.)

your horse gets new shoes more often than you.

you put a gun rack in your pickup truck to carry dressage whips and riding crops.

for once you have extra money to buy yourself something, and you get the check out counter and decide that you don't really need that shirt anyway. That $25 could be an entry fee!

the real estate agent asks what kind of house you are looking for, and you say, "More than six acres."

you are unreasonably pleased to get a horse item, ANY horse item, as a gift. "They really cared!!!"

you actually like all horse items, any horse items, regardless of execution.

you stop channel surfing at Budweiser Clydesdale commercials.

you actually get to a point where flies don't bother you so much.

your horse gets more compliments for grooming than you do.

you've considered moving into the barn, since it is cleaner than the house.

you run your tongue over your back molars and idly wonder if they need to be floated.

you can find your boots in the dark by the aroma.

you leave work feeling stiff, tense, with a stomach- or headache, and all those feelings disappear the minute you go through the first gate to the ranch. (Very, very true!)

you hate posing for pictures unless you're on your horse.

you chirp to, cluck to or spur your truck/car.

you know you're a hunter/jumper/ct person when:

...you count how many steps (strides) you take in between the cracks in the sidewalk, the shadows of trees, etc.

...you count strides to the beat of the music in your car and pretend that the telephone poles are the jumps.

you don't have to be asked by your non-horsy family what you want for Christmas anymore...they now get their own horse catalogs.

the family photos are in the bedroom; the horse photos in the den.

the board check is paid before any other bill.

your instructor and vet are the only non-family on your speed-dial.

you always have new foal pictures in your wallet.

the photo Christmas cards feature the horses.

you have memorized the addresses of your breed association and AHSA.

you've spent so much time at the boarding stable that people think you're the maintenance man.

you coax your horse into the trailer with a carrot, give him a bite, and walk out finishing it yourself. (family germ theory apparently extends to horses).

every log / yard fence / flower garden / etc. looks like a good fence.

your dog jumps something and you sigh, "her knees were uneven!"

Auction - A popular, social gathering where you can change a horse from a financial liability into a liquid asset.

Azorturia (or Monday Morning Disease) - A condition brought on by showing horses all weekend. Symptoms include the feeling of dread at having to get out of bed on Mondays and go to work or school.

Barn Sour - An affliction common to horse people in northern climates during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to bring on this condition rapidly.

Big Name Trainer - Cult Leader: Horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend their children's college funds and their IRA's to support them- as they have a direct link to "The Most High Ones" (Judges).

Bog Spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through marshy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles.

Colic - The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows.

Colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.

Contracted foot - The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes up - right before a horse steps on your foot.

Corn - small callus growths formed from the continual wearing of cowboy boots.

Drench - Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after he administers mineral oil to his horse.

Endurance ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods.

Equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crowhop, shy and buck his way around a show ring.

Feed - Expensive substance utilized in the manufacture of large quantities of manure.

Fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over (see inbreeding).

Flea-bitten - A condition of the lower extremities in horse owners who also own dogs and cats.

Flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over - he cannot be punished.

Founder - The discovery, of your loose mare-some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield. Used like: "Hey, honey, I found'er."
also: Founder: A condition that happens to most people after Thanksgiving dinner

Frog - Small amphibious animal that emits a high-pitched squeal when stepped on.

Gallop - The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn

Gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.

Green Broke - The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the Big Name Trainer...

Grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body.

Grooms - Heavy, stationary objects used at horse shows to hold down lawn chairs and show bills.

Hay - A green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.

Head Shy - A reluctance to use the public restrooms at a horse show. Always applies to pit toilets.

Head Tosser - A blonde haired woman who wears fashion boots while working in the barn.

Heaves - The act of unloading a truck full of hay.

Hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.

Hock - The financial condition that a horse owner goes into.

Hoof Pick - Useful, curbed metal tool utilized to remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your tennis shoes.

Horse shoes - Expensive semi-circular projectiles that horses like to throw.

Inbreeding - The breeding results of broken/inadequate pasture fencing.

Jumping - The characteristic movement that an equine makes when given a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed.

Lameness - The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in weekend riders.

Lead Rope - A long apparatus instrumental in the administration of rope burns. Also used by excited horses to take a handler for a drag.

Longeing - A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing.

Manure spreader - Horse traders

Mosquitoes - Radar equipped blood sucking insects that typically reach the size of small birds.

Mustang - The type of horse your husband would gladly trade your favorite one for...preferably in a red convertible and V-8.

Overreaching - A descriptive term used to explain the condition your credit cards are in by the end of show season.

Parasites - Small children (no flames please) that get in your way when you work in the barn. Many gather in swarms at horse shows.

Pinto - A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and sparkling clean grey horse that was left unattended in his stall for ten minutes.

Pony - The true size of the stallion that you bred your mare to via transported semen-that was advertised as 15 hands tall.

Proud Flesh - The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in halter classes.

Quarter Cracks - The comments that most Arabian owners make about the people who own Quarter Horses.

Quittor - A term trainers have commonly used to refer to their clients who come to their senses and pull horses out of their barns.

Race - What your heart does when you see the vet bill.

Rasp - An abrasive, long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin from the knuckles.

Reins - Break-away leather device used to tie horses with.

Ringworms - Spectators who block your view and gather around the rail sides at horse shows.

Sacking out - A condition caused by Sleeping Sickness (see below). The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labor and foals.

Saddle - An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats.

Saddle Sore - The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend at the horse show.

Sleeping Sickness - A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks.

Splint - An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger.

Stall - What your truck does on the way to a horse show, fifty miles from the closest town.

Tack Room - A room where every item necessary to work with or train your horse has been put, in a place which it cannot be found in less than 30 minutes.

Twisted Gut - The feeling deep inside that most riders get before their classes at a show.

Versatility - an owners ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase down a loose horse in one afternoon.

Weaving - The movement a horse trailer makes while going down the road with a rambunctious horse in it.

Whip Marks - The tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider-caused by the trail rider directly in front of you letting a low hanging branch go.

Windpuffs - Stallion owners. Also applied to used car salesmen.

Withers - The reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback.

Yearling - the age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught them previously.

Youngstock - A general term used for all equines old enough to bite, kick or run you over, but not yet old enough to dump you on the ground.

Zoo - The typical atmosphere around most horse farms.

Thank you lizardlady. You have summed up simply perfectly. I loved it. So sooo spot on.

Loved these! Keep them coming.

I love the Thelwell books.















Dang! I'm going to have to find my Thelwell books!

One more Thelwell. I promise I'll stop. Anyone who's jumped has been there, done that like this one.

I think I'm at Stage 7.

The eight stages of aging on Horseback

Stage I: Fall off pony. Bounce. Laugh. Climb back on. Repeat.

Stage 2: Fall off horse. Run after horse, cussing. Climb back on by shimmying up horse’s neck. Ride.until sundown.

Stage 3: Fall off horse. Use sleeve of shirt to stanch bleeding. Have friend help you get back on horse. Take two Advil and apply ice packs when you get home. Ride next day.

State 4: Fall off horse. Refuse advice to call ambulance; drive self to urgent care clinic. Entertain nursing staff with tales of previous daredevil stunts on horseback. Back to riding before cast comes off.

Stage 5: Fall off horse. Temporarily forget name of horse and name of husband. Flirt shamelessly with paramedics when they arrive. Spend week in hospital while titanium pins are screwed in place. Start riding again before doctor gives official okay.

Stage 6: Fall off horse. Fail to see any humor when hunky paramedic says, “You again?” Gain firsthand knowledge of advances in medical technology thanks to stint in ICU. Convince self that permanent limp isn’t that noticeable. Promise husband you’ll give up riding. One week later purchase older, slower, shorter horse.

Stage 7: Slip off horse. Relieved when artificial joints and implanted medical devices seem unaffected. Tell husband that scrapes and bruises are due to gardening accident. Pretend you don’t see husband roll his eyes and mutter as he walks away. Give apple to horse.

Stage 8: Go to see horse. Momentarily consider riding but remember arthritis won't let you lift leg high enough to reach stirrup -- even when on mounting block. Share beer with grateful horse & recall "good old days".

My farrier tells me he has actually heard some of these.


If you will just give each of the dogs a piece of hoof they will get out from under the horse and quit fighting.

As much as you charge, I should get to use that truck too.

If you get that done in 30 minutes, you'll be making $160 per hour.

That's not the way they did it on that horseshoeing show.

I see who makes all the money in horses - farriers!

My last farrier couldn't finish - they gave me your name and number.

You don't mind if I feed the other horses, do you?

Are you sure you have them on the correct foot?

If he didn't kick like that, I'd trim him myself.

Would you mind trimming my new BLM mustang?

Can we shoe him in the arena? If he rears in the barn, he hits his head.

You sure earned your money on that one!

I forgot you were coming; I just turned all the horses out.

Can you make it after six, or on Sunday, I have to work.

I just cannot believe that he bit you.

I read all about the Natural Way to trim on the internet, and you're supposed to...

Did that hurt?

I know that he is difficult to shoe, but he is so good on the trails.

It doesn't look like he's leaning from here.

Good morning - glad you're here - can we reschedule? I have a lot going on today.

It's so cool that he can balance on just two feet.

Can you shoe him so that he doesn't paw?

Don't tell my husband that I used the grocery money.

Most times when he kicks, he misses!

Just do the hinds - I'll do the fronts.

I left the checkbook in the car, and my wife/husband just left - can you bill me?

I'm sure glad you don't mind working on muddy feet.

Does it mean my horses have some sort of deficiency when they chew the paint off your truck like that?

This horse does forge, also interferes, and sometimes hits his knees....

We need to keep the price down on this bill.

I got a bargain on these shoes at a rummage sale, could you use them instead and save me some money?

Oops! Wrong horse.

I know I said just a trim, but can we shoe 'em as well?

My weanling colt needs a trim, and I figured you could halter break him at the same time.

I've got a new horse whose feet are in pretty bad shape. The previous owners said their farrier wouldn't work on him.

I know it's been a long day for you; that's why I saved the worst one for last.

If my other farrier's ribs weren't broken, he'd be able to get shoes on this horse.

It's a good thing you're slow today, or he'd have had shoes on when he kicked your truck.

My grandpa used to shoe horses like you, only he used a sledge and a corn knife.

I don't understand why the shoes didn't stay on. I just had them done 12 weeks ago.

Has anyone seen the Icelandic movie; Of Horses & Men?

Supposed to be a good horse lovers movie. 2013 but just getting to US now. Not in any theater near me tho.