Need help! Does my twin have NPD, and what should I do if so?

Hey! Glad you showed back up to fill us in on things.


I'll be honest with you, I"m surprised and very happy that you've managed to step away, look back and see things for what they are.

That is so very, very difficult for most people to do. Especially when we have grown up in an environment where, from the time we can first remember, what was going on was so wrong. We are programmed to believe the messages we receive and to just be able to question the possibility that those messages were all false takes a special kind of person.


Thats true of human nature in general (animal and insect societies as well) and its especially true coming from where you do (as does my wife) - such a strong cultural mindset against questioning those of higher rank in one's family - aunts, uncles, older brothers, older sisters - all deemed more worthy. No compassion for those who need it most. That mindset just doesn't exist. Its such a hard world.


Which makes you all the more remarkable for it.

Glad to hear from you.

Cheers!

No, no, not at all! I definitely didn't do so with any grace either. I think I mentioned somewhere in this long sort of journal of what happened that I nearly had a mental breakdown on one of the worst days with my twin. I think that was the moment, actually feeling my mind slipping away from me, that I knew something was really, really wrong and could not continue. She'd always been very dominant (in the home - very quiet in public), and there had been moments years before where she did get fairly violent, whether verbally or physically, and often unreasonably so. Those should have been the indications to me that things were not right, and yet I did nothing about it back then. It took last year, when things exploded, when we were fighting nonstop for months on end, often over nonsensical things, for me to know for sure that it was not a healthy environment or relationship.

What's really messed up is that throughout this "healing" and reflection, I am now recalling events that felt really strange and uncomfortable at the time, but which I just pegged as being me just feeling bad that day. Like for example, I recall an indie film shoot I did with my sister last year...When they were filming us (we were playing some zombie characters), they wanted us to eat some bloody appendages. I actually wasn't feeling bad this day. I was excited! I was about to dig in when they said, "Action!", but I didn't have the chance. My sister had grabbed some of the proprs and was shoving them semi-violently into my mouth, smearing the blood all over my face. It was just very ODD! It took ME by surprise! We were supposed to be just acting and doing our own eating. She never, not for a single take after that, did that. She made sure to force-feed me, and I had to hold my breath not to choke because of the force with which she was doing it. I could actually feel her emotions when she did it, too, like she knew she was violating me, and humiliating me, and pleased to be doing so. It's SO messed up. But recalling all these events that happened, where at the time I didn't know for sure what was going on....Looking back at them now and understanding why I felt that way and what was going on in her mind...Oh God, it makes me really feel sick to my stomach. So I have a lot of work to do.


But because a lot of this had happened with our mother already, I think I was already somewhat aware of the signs, too. I had a reference point, at any rate. I think it's also just that a part of me couldn't believe my twin, who I'd always considered the smarter of the two of us, could have let herself become like our Mom. But she did sort of become the "second Golden Child" of our mother after I stood up to her (our mother), so maybe it was inevitable.

And we did actually have a good childhood. I remember feeling truly loved for a while. Then things went South in my Mother's life, and so, too, did her mentality - much of which came from trauma from her childhood. I DO understand why it happened to her, and that saddens me immensely. I think the reason it was so painful for me personally was because I remember when there WAS love, when I was very small, and now I know I'll never get it back. At the time, I couldn't understand the pain and cruelty she was inflicting on us. Now I do, of course.


Add to it that my twin sister has become the same way...I dunno. I'm taking time to heal, but as said, it's a slow process and surely will take many years. I still don't know if I have it in me to forgive my twin. My mother, yes, because I know what she endured, and I know she did actually love me at one point. My twin, though...I dunno. I truly felt how much she hated and resented me last year, although I think deep down I always had a sense of that since we were children. (Another thing I mentioned in my long initial rant - she did used to lock me in our room to try to use the karate she was studying on me when I didn't do what she wanted.) I dunno...It's quite messy where she is concerned!


Thank you so much for the kind words, though! I just don't feel that I've done anything special or that I deserve them. I'm very slow in the process, still have moments where the trauma hits me (and hits me hard!), and I have to actively try to keep myself in check because I am terrified that if my sister could fall that easily, then maybe I can, too. Part of my healing process is giving to others JUST to give and make them happy, and constantly asking myself if what I am doing is appropriate, good, how it would make me feel, etc. A lot of reflection!

Many thanks again!

Wow. You've gone through a lot. Even more than I'd understood. Ja, these childhood traumas - regardless of where or from whom they come leave deep marks; but those coming from parents and siblings have even so much likelihood to have power over us, to cause irreparable harm.

Being able to discuss it is part of the healing process, as you know!

And you are correct, it is something you'll have to watch for, especially as you age, you come under stress. But your making the right steps to see that it doesn't fall on you.

Cheers,

That makes sense! The unfortunate thing is, often when we research this stuff online, we can typically mostly find information on partners with such conditions. It seems very difficult to really find valuable information on family members with it. Despite my ability to step back and reflect and understand pieces of how it's hurt me and my own identity, there are moments of utter confusion and sheer fear, too. So again, I'm definitely not graceful about all of this.

I think something I'm going to tell my significant other is the following: that my family apparently has a history of this disorder, starting with my mother until my twin sister, and that having lived under their thumbs for nearly thirty years, there is a chance it could affect me, too. In the event that somehow I become such an abuser, I would want my significant other (and our children, should we have any) to make sure I get treatment.

God, even the thought scares me...But knowing what sort of destruction these people bring - to the mind, to the soul, and even to the body - I never ever want to be the cause of that. Not for anyone, and most especially not for the people I love.

Thanks so much again for the advice and support!!