Help for my brother

Hello everyone,

I am brand new to this forum and I am here seeking help for my one and only brother. I apologize if I haven’t posted this in the correct section- but if anyone can suggest a better place for this post it would be greatly appreciated.

Just some background: currently my brother is in his mid 40’s living at home with my mother and father. He has his own room, and a huge separate living room that is mainly empty which he is in throughout most of the day. That room only contains a computer, desk, and his chair. He is in this room from approx 12-14 hours maybe longer each day. He will come downstairs to have breakfast, lunch, and dinner which my mother usually provides. When he has his meals he has it on his own in a separate room away from my parents or myself when I lived there or when visiting. He likes being on his own. But when my family does have a larger gathering, he will have dinner with everyone and interact though.

In the past he has worked with my parents close to 15+ years ago in the family business. He was also married for 1.5 years also 15+ years ago. The girl was someone my parents introduced and at the time being the old fashioned parents they are, they wanted him to get married and start a family( I’m guessing he was prob about 22-25 yo at the time).

So the marriage didn’t last (they got divorced, no kids) and my family shut down the business but managed to live off of rental properties - so working to survive wasn’t a must. Since then (about 15 years) he will work here and there. Initially he took a couple years off, then went back to find a job and work for 10 months for example, then ends up getting fired or leaving, and then takes a few months off and does the same thing all over again. This time he’ll work 3 months for example and then take 7 months off. You get my point. He graduated high school but never pursued college. He never had interest in trade schools either.

After the divorce my parents put a lot of blame on themselves and didn’t get involved and let him be. Eventually as years passed, they would say he should find someone again and would introduce someone and sometimes he’d go out on one date and it wouldn’t work.

There have been many fights in the past regarding his behavior and his failure to communicate. Since nothing has come from it, these past few years my parents have just let him be to keep the peace.

As I said earlier, he is on the computer secluded for the majority of the day. He will very briefly communicate with parents saying hi/bye and minor things that happened in his day but he’s always in a rush to get to his computer and avoid communication.

My mother has written him many letters as have I. We’ve left phone numbers of help hotlines but nothing changes. I was out of state for school for a while and once I got back before getting married and leaving the house again I wrote him a letter telling him how much I love him and how I want to have a relationship with him and suggested going to some type of event and that I would get the tickets. A few days later he called the house phone when he wasn’t home and asked my mother to speak to me. He told me he loved me but that he doesn’t want to have that type of relationship with me and that he enjoys being alone and enjoys his life this way. He told me all of this over the phone as he does not like to communicate in person and if it is in person... we are communicating when his door is shut. No face to face contact.

My parents and I are in desperate need to help my brother out of what he is in and has been for the past 20 years. I’ve asked therapists and others and they’ve all told me to leave him alone and that it is his decision.

What can we do? Do I bring someone to our home and have them try to talk to him? How do we try to fix this? He also has paranoia and fear issues bc recently my mother and I were out and he called me frantically wanting to speak to our mother. He asks my mom if she is feeling ok and if anything happened to her earlier that day and if she’s sure she’s ok. In addition I’ve heard him get angry and talk to himself when he’s in his room cursing at something. Sometimes making noise like throwing stuff. Not sure what gets him super angry.

Please anyone please give me a suggestion I would appreciate it. Do I bring a therapist to my parents house and have some type of intervention? We don’t want him to completely check out and do something from the pressure of us. Do we install some type of camera to see what’s going on? I forgot to mention he also has some microphones outside installed bc he was hearing things.... we don’t know if he also possibly wants to snoop and hear what my parents are talking about.....

Anyone know what he’s suffering from. How do you help someone who doesn’t want help. Please help any suggestions is appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Welcome to PC.

It's really very difficult to impossible to help someone who truly does not want help. Sorry. I can tell you care.

I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.
Please make yourself at home. Jump in wherever you feel led to do so.

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WC

Hi Helpmybro,

I hope you find your way around to find the support that you need.

Not sure what types of services could be provided where he's not seeking it for himself. I'm sure you are not alone. There's many forums and archived blogs and articles here. Even the chat feature many members find useful.

Have you considered he may have ASD? He doesn't sound emotionally distraught, his preference of his own company. His intense dislike of change.His very set routine and way of doing things. His difficulty forming attachments.

All sounds very similar to being on the spectrum.

In which case, the type of help needed is for the whole family, because you can't change this. This isn't an illness it's just the way his brain is wired.

I may of course be wrong as I don't know your brother. But it maybe worth your time looking at autism and what used to be aspergers. (Dont call it that any more in the UK, it's all just part of ASD.)

Good luck, hope you find your answers, but be prepared that really No one can live your brothers life but him. He may just be being himself.💙