How Do I Help Him?

Hello, I am here because I am very worried about my boyfriend who is 23.

He was in a car crash 2 years ago and the crash took the life of his grandfather who he lived with. He watched his grandfather die....

A couple of months after the car crash we started dating but he was very odd about it. He refused to call me his girlfriend and actually shuddered when I called him my boyfriend. He never told any of his family about us dating. Well a month into us dating he didn't want to spend the night as much anymore. I thought it was something I did. He eventually told me it's because he started wetting the bed every night. I comforted him and we came to the solution that we needs to wear protection to bed. He was mega embarrassed about it at first but it was the only solution.

Then he started day wetting and had to wear protection all the time. He hated it and it took a toll on his social life. He also started having panic attacks. Because of the crash he had to take a year off of college. Which at the time was "All that he has, that's important." He began to get depressed.

After a couple of months of his day wetting, it got even worst. He started having messy accidents. Like at this point he was totally incontinence. So he went to the doctor about it and they did brain scans to make sure it wasn't nerve damage. The doctor said it wasn't, that his accidents were all mental.

Then out of the blue his accidents started to get better. After half a year of being incontinence he was totally fine. I was really happy for him.

He then went to college in the fall. But then something new started to happen. His intelligence would just disappear. It was like I was talking to a toddler. He couldn't understand anything I said. It was so frustrating and I just didn't (and don't) understand. Also every couple of weeks he starts wetting and/or messing himself again.

He has these spells of infancy (it seems) whenever he's stressed out.
Going to the lawyer, finals, graduating, and holidays are major triggers for him.

And he broke up with me on Thanksgiving because I wanted to spent it together and he had a breakdown about it. Eventually we got back together.

So now after 1 1/2 years, he is at his worst....
He cries when he gets frustrated or when I'm not with him. He baby talks, like his vocabulary is just gone. He can make it to the toilet but he doesn't know how to get his belt off or unbutton his pants so he still has accidents and still wearing protection, he acts like a child wanted to be held all the time, he can't tie his shoes. He can't understand anything I say unless I say it super simple.

He was perfectly fine just 3 weeks ago. He's graduating (which is why I think he's like this) on Monday. To be honest, I'm worried that all that schooling will be wasted because there is no way he can get a job if he can't do basic things. I am so worried about him. He's my best friend and I love him, but I want more out of our relationship. I feel like I'm his mother just constantly taking care of him. And I worry if I don't that his family will send him away somewhere.

He refused to go to therapy all this time. But I have finally put my foot down and told him that he is going if he likes it or not.

Just can anyone give me insight on what you thing is wrong with him?
How can I help him more?

Hello WorriedGirl: Welcome to PsychCentral. I'm sorry I cannot be of any help with this. I don't know how many doctors your bf has seen, or what their areas of practice are. But my initial reaction to this is that perhaps the doctor(s) he's seen are missing something. Sometimes it can take some hunting to find a doctor who can actually diagnose a particular condition correctly. I'm not a mental health professional myself. But what you're describing does not sound like a mental health issue to me.

Perhaps some other members, here on PC, will have some thoughts they can share with regard to this. However one other possibility is that PsychCentral has a sister website: NeuroTalk. There are a lot of members there who are knowledgeable with regard to a wide variety of medical issues. You might consider signing in over there as well to see if some of the members have some useful suggestions. Here's a link to the NeuroTalk website:

https://www.neurotalk.org/

My best wishes to you both.

Welcome to PC

Hey there, sorry to here about your situation, it sounds really tough.
I don't really have any advice, but he really really needs,a Dr. Sounds like he needs more extensive tests.
Do his family know?
Has he behaved like this in front of anyone else?
This sounds pretty serious, I would make video evidence of these episodes and get them seen by his dr, then ask for a referral to a neurologist to rule out anything physical.
If they find nothing the repeat the process with a psychiatrist.
Wish you all the very best.💙

I had a friend in high school that would talk baby talk sometimes at slumber parties. She was later diagnosed with dissociative disorder.

I don’t know what your boyfriend has of course. He would need to be assessed by a psychiatrist or possibly a neurologist.

If he had PTSD, it could be worth exploring EMDR therapy, if appropriate in his case.

I would encourage more work-ups for a physical cause. It's very common that neurologists in one medical center disagree with another set of neurologists at a different medical center.

He might also benefit from consulting with a specialist in continence. Some hospitals have continence centers.

This does sound like a form of regression when it also involves baby talk.
It sounds quite complicated.

As for you, you must keep your own welfare in mind as well. Of course you want more for a relationship. Wanting more is healthy. you may find a therapist helpful in supporting you in remaining balanced and healthy while also trying to help your friend.

Your friend is not ready for a new marriage, nor a healthy committed relationship, at this time. There is a lot to sort out.

I wish you both the very best as you try to sort out this puzzle.


WC

PTSD is some powerful stuff. Although I wouldn't ignore the possibility that he has something the medical folks missed, psychological issues can certainly account for everything he's doing. If he still hasn't spoken to you much about the accident, he probably harbors a lot of guilt about it. There may be mitigating circumstances around the incident that make it worse, things that make him feel more culpable for his grandfather's death than a simple accident. Some people can't let go and need professional help to do so.

Bottom line, if he's not willing to explore this with mental health professionals there's only so much you can do. This is the kind of thing you need to sort out before you get into big commitments with him, like buying a house, having kids, getting married etc. It's not your job to fix him, only to be supportive while he takes care of his issues. If he's not willing to, you need to look out for yourself too.

Good luck. I hope he does seek help and he can heal from what's hurting him.

Welcome to pc

Sounds like he may have had trauma at as a toddler and/or a TBI. I agree more medical help is needed. Try suggesting he get a Neuropsych test this bridges both the medical and mental health issues he may be going through. Also, remind him that part of being in a healhty relationship is having equal footing not a parent/child relationship. Hang in there!