Been away for a while, heading to divorce

So, I'd like some fresh opinions. I'm going to write a fairly lengthy background story here about my last year of 18 total married to somebody with BPD. If you want to save yourself the read, but still give me a hand, I bet you can skip all but the last couple of paragraphs and get the gist of it.

About half a year ago I started frequenting this forum due to an episode my wife was having. At the time I understood it to be bipolar disorder, as that was one of two diagnoses she has had over the years. After years of almost suffocating intimacy between the two of us, she began staying out of the house, leaving me and the kids to fend for ourselves, and clearly escaping from life. Drinking, going to bars, saying bizarre things, abrogating her responsibilities and her role as the wiser middle-aged woman for younger people in her life, hanging out with much younger people, and trying to act like them, and often not coming home weekend nights was all par for the course. She also didn't hide her hangovers and other ill effects of her lifestyle from our kids, the two who are still at home are 15 and 17 yo boys. In fact she was brazen about her lifestyle. The boys were very angry with her.

After some perspective, professional opinions, and in-my-face behaviors, I have changed my mind about her pathology. She has had a secondary diagnosis of BPD from two of her therapists over the years. My therapist, who has seen her briefly (long side story not worth mentioning here), is convinced that she is at least BPD, if not BPD with other features. It seems like her "hypomanic" episode was more like a kind of psychosis, or simply an extreme manifestation of her symptoms. She struggles with identity issues, has very unstable moods, switches from codependent to counter-dependent fairly rapidly, and has patently absurd narratives about her situation, and our lives. She routinely gaslights me when she wants to manipulate me, hoovers me, and employs blanket statements at the drop of a hat when faced with an argument she can't win. She'll get incredibly angry with me when I engage in behaviors at a 3 that she routinely does at an 11, behaviors when she does them, that are none of my business or completely justified in her mind.

Long story short, after subjecting me to a long period of these behaviors, and an ambiguous relationship status, she tells me she doesn't want to be married anymore. She dreamt up some crazy in-the-same-residence separation from me, and we began a new chapter. At this time she actually begins to calm down a little, but is still very irrational, and does a lot of behaviors that are hurtful to me.

At some point I talk to her about what I think a fair, uncontested divorce would look like. We cry a lot and move on. The next day she flips out, and can't believe I would be thinking about divorce. She says "who said anything about divorce?", and I say you did when you said, "I don't want to be married anymore". To her this makes no sense, and is deeply hurt.

I guess due to the shock of me wanting to move on, she decides that she wants to "come back home". Mind you she never left exactly, but I got the metaphor. We have a wonderful night with hugging, kissing, talking, crying, passion, and such. The next day she says she wants to go to therapy with me. I take the day off so we can make a day of it, and we go together. It was weird, but I felt very hopeful. We have a couple of weeks of very volatile time together, but she continues to go to my therapy appointments. Ultimately, my therapist suggests that we try a proper separation. Our previous arrangement had some very odd features to it, doing married wasn't working just yet and he concluded that we could get her the space she needed to figure herself out, and she could experience some of the freedom she was looking for, if we stayed faithful to each other, but lived separately. This is in contrast to her original suggestion that we stay under the same roof, tell nobody that we were separated, see other people, and yet stay intimate with each other.

Our plan was that she would do therapy, get her career back on track, and that I would continue to have my therapy (I deal with anxiety issues, and with my crap with her), and we would do joint sessions, her and my therapists, plus the two of us. In the time since we separated, she's not gone to therapy once, although she has a job, she hasn't made much movement on her career (she has to get re-certified on some medical credentials she allowed to lapse years ago), and she leans on me a lot, almost every day in fact, accept for her days off, in which she usually goes incognito.

Divorce has come back up again, now that she's been out of the house about three months. This time from her, as a kind of fairness to me. I've been in this limbo for almost a year, and she says she doesn't know much, but she knows she doesn't want to come home. She knows she's been leaning on me a lot, and that this arrangement is hard on me. She's feeling a little guilty about getting her cake and eating it too.

It's not like I haven't thought of it a lot, and I've even thought that this might be inevitable. For me it's a chance to start over, to possibly meet somebody who is healthy, and who can treat me like I would treat her. Our relationship has always been asymmetrical, and a fair relationship would be lovely. I can also take back my life, something I've begun doing, but her constant presence, and the ups and downs of having her in my life derail me often.

That said, she makes it clear she doesn't want to be divorced, and I'm paralyzed with fear when it comes up. My life with her has often been hard, and this year just plain sucked, but I'm not feeling assertive about it, and I'm fearful that she could turn hateful and difficult when she inevitably decides she's not on board with getting divorced. She already wants more alimony than I think she deserves, she talks about some kind of joint custody, despite the fact I know the boys will mostly stay here, and I'm just worried she has something up her sleeve. Beyond that, some crazy voice in my head doesn't want to give up on some outside chance we will fix things, even though my rational self says that is ludicrous.

Almost everyone I know, family (hers included), and even mutual friends seem to think I should get divorced, although her folks seem to worry that they'd wind up picking up the pieces if I did. Only people who just met us as this started happening seem neutral, and they don't understand what I've done for her over the years, and how ridiculous much of what she says is. The earning all of the money, doing most of the domestic labor, conforming my will to hers on almost everything, waiting on her hand and foot, that's what everyone else has seen, and hope that I can escape it.

Even as I write this I can imagine what a third party would say. As certain as I ever get that I want off this ride, in her presence I get weepy and want her back. She's been so incredibly selfish, she has so much accumulated psychological damage, and she never does the hard work to heal. I can't imagine a world in which she would treat me right day in and day out, or at the very least, I can't imagine a world in which I know who I'm waking up next to every day.

Am I just being fearful that I don't go forward with the divorce? Is it part of the spell the caretaker has for the BPD spouse? Is there any good reason to stick it out? What is my responsibility for a spouse who is so ill that she can behave in her own worst interest, but all the while destroy my life as she's doing it? Where does for better or worse end, and my self interest begin? I do love her tremendously, we have had wonderful times together, and she's an exciting and fun person to be around, at least some of the time. I just can't handle the rest of it. It's really killing me, and she's hurt me this last year very deeply.

Anyway, I appreciate your willingness to read some or all of this. Please share your insights if you have any. I love my wife, but I really think I deserve to be treated right. I am a loving, handsome, fit, successful, funny, and caring man, and I'm just sitting here in a holding pattern as I slowly get old, and waste time I could be spending getting on with my life, and possibly meeting the woman I deserve. I'd love to hear any pearls of wisdom that make this easier.

It isn’t just her parents that are going to be saddled with her, it’s your kids, or whichever of them is most functional.

If you have any ability to control her to get her into treatment and on medication, use it. As in you don’t see us unless you are taking the medication and in therapy. Teach your kids the same and not to crack or give in.

My mother was quite a case and obviously had bipolar and borderline, addictions, and eventually psychosis (dx schizophrenia).

I ended up calling a suicide hotline myself, and it was a nice man on the line that taught me how to deal with her. Never buckle or give in, no matter how high she escalates, you only teach her that’s the new line and she goes straight there.

So, that’s my suggestion, if you would want to stay with her if she gets treatment, to make it conditional. Well, even if you split make treatment conditional to see you and the kids.

Borderline can be treated with DBT therapy. Bipolar often responds to lithium. If she has psychosis, an antipsychotic could be added.

If she has PTSD, there is EMDR therapy that could be tried.

Her condition is likely treatable. If you can do anything to get her in treatment, you’re going to save your kids a lot of grief by doing so and teaching them how to deal with her.

It’s going to be that much harder for them if they, like me, have inherited bipolar disorder.

I am sorry you are going through this.

I like Key Tone's advice.

I think you do have to demand some conditions with your wife. I thin k you have to stand your ground... whether or not you divorce.

I'm encouraging you to consider deeply how you'd like this to go. Are you still interested in her or has there been too much water under the bridge?

It's okay to admit you've had enough, if you've had enough!


WC

I'm very sorry that you're going through this. I don't have any good advice but I know these things are complicated and difficult.

My untreated mental illness contributed a great deal to the end of my marriage. My husband gave me an ultimatum and I did go to treatment two years before we got divorced, but ultimately we were not able to salvage the marriage. It's very sad. But he seems happy alone, and he is very supportive of me now, and I am hoping we will both find health and happiness having gone our separate ways.

One thing I wish he would have agreed to is going to counseling together. If your wife would agree to it, maybe this is something you could try before giving up on the marriage?

Thanks. A lot of water is under the bridge. The biggest challenges are all the excuses for not getting therapy, not fully rejecting who she was when she was at her worst or even staying away completely from the people/habits of the time, and all this resentment I have. I've taken care of her for so long, and the disloyalty, selfishness, and delusions are overwhelming me. I also believe there has either been infidelity, or at least behaviors no married person would normally tolerate. I haven't even really asked about this, or explored it; she's so belligerent about her FREEDOM.

I thought I would be ready for divorce when my resolve would strengthen until I thought I was sure it was the right thing, instead I have a growing depression and exhaustion, I feel washed up into divorce; I'm defeated.

I love her so much, but I'm getting to the point I don't think I can forgive her. I'm listening to an audiobook version of Stop Walking on Eggshells, and I'm immediately exhausted by the techniques they recommend for people dealing with BPD loved ones. I just don't think I have it anymore.

Thanks. She came with me three times to my therapy appointments. We had this whole thing mapped out, a therapist for her, joint therapy with both therapists, but you know, it's hard to get there. Bottom line is that it's a hard road ahead of her, and she's never stuck with anything hard. I'm beginning to spiral, and I can't do that anymore. I have to get off this ride before it destroys me. I'm the only solid thing in my kids' lives, and I'm back to having three to guide and take care of as our adult child joins the teenagers.

I'm just washed out; I've given her everything. I think I'm finished.

two things i've learned that i would like to share with you~

one: we always choose the type of person we want to live/mate with;
two: no one changes because WE want them to...

so, what that adds up to is - there is a real risk that you will just go out and find another her, because our idea of a mate is formed in infancy, and without serious soul-searching and personality adjustment, we will make the same choices over and over...

and - loving someone does not mean tolerating their abuses. that is called "enabling", which it sounds like has been going on for a long, long time.

it's a tough call, no matter which one you make; but i, personally, think it's better for YOU to work your issues out with someone you know. learn how to manage your own emotions and change your own responses to her 'tricks'.

best wishes~!