I need advice...

I am looking for insight and and opinions. I have been dating a wonderful man for almost three years. We just got engaged 1 month ago. I was not asking for a ring, and was very happy how we were. After the engagement, something changed in him. He drank a lot more, slept a lot less and no matter what we talked about he would snap and yell. Mind you, we hardly ever fought. He would apologize shortly there after. He is in his late 30’s works swing shift and hates his job and Father’s Day and Mother’s Day are rough as both his parents are deceased. He said it was the stress of everything, but seemed like more cause he would pick a fight everyday and throw stuff in my face from a year ago that a relative was joking with him about. He started calling becomeing verbal abusive. Mind u. I never saw a side like this to him. After a bad argument, I left a note and told him I am going away for a few days to give him space. We hung out was great one day next morning he woke up and I didn’t recognize him. Starting again. A relative called me and advised me his mother was diagnosed with bipolar and he had an episode in college. And thought he used to be on medicine. He never confided any of this to me. And when I suggested he may need help and we both can go to counseling, he just flipped out. I left for good the other day. I know the man I love is in there somewhere. I feel like I am abandoning him, but I am worn out and he won’t go for help. He said he still loves me but has a lot to deal with. Why can’t he tell me and why won’t he go for help?

sadly, many people have little insight into, or even awareness of, their own behaviors and how that affects the people around them. you have done your best... take care of yourself first~

the proposal may have been only the first symptom of a relapse, if he has a brain chemistry imbalance. if he won't take his meds there is not much you can do... sorry for your loss, try to remember the good times~

Hello Happidays: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Another forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the relationships & communication forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...communication/

I'm sorry I can't really tell you why your former bf can't tell you what he's dealing with nor why he won't go for help other than to say this is simply how some... perhaps most guys are. I lived this way for many years... decades really. Growing up, many years ago, I was taught you don't wash your dirty laundry in public & family business was to be kept in the family. And it stuck. Over the years, my mental health issues have softened me, to some extent, on this point. But my instinct even now is to just keep it all to myself. I guess the one thing that has changed for me is that, as I've aged, I've gotten better at handling keeping it to myself. But it took a lot of years to get there. And I caused a whole lot of damage along the way.

Since you wrote you left your bf for good, I presume the relationship is ended. And, assuming that is in fact the case perhaps what was going on with your bf & how you might have handled it, or could handle it, is now academic. On the other hand, I know how these things go. The one thing I can say is that the only person who can really heal what is going on with your former bf is your former bf. You are not abandoning him. You are making the healthy choice to take care of yourself... the only person you have any real control over.

Here are links to a selection of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that may provide some "food for thought" with regard to this experience:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...ant-to-change/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-y...e-a-loved-one/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/21-war...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-way...-denial/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-ways...illness/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-imp...al-boundaries/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-he...ries-in-yours/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-ways...oved-one-cope/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipol...-relationship/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/helpin...olar-disorder/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/coping...-relationship/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/help-o...om-heartbreak/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/12-way...-broken-heart/

My best wishes to you...

((((happidays))))

Welcome to PC are you seeking counseling to sift through the rubble of shock, surprise and dismay of your heartache and grief?

There's certainly no quick fix to whatever has brought about such volatility in him. Between the drinking and genetics sounds like he's got his work cut out for him, especially after lashing out at someone as caring as you seem to be based upon what you've shared here.

I think it's so common when in the throws of the internal struggle of compassion and empathy and understanding what's transpiring on an intellectual level to worry about the additional pain and abandonment that comes by stepping away from the heated element of such volatility to protect oneself. But if you aren't self caring then he's only going to drag you deep into the abyss with him. His pain is not your responsibility. You stepping away is his consequence to his own choice of actions and words.

hi Happidays. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you had a very rough courtship that was disrupted by your fiance's abusive behavior.

Mania is one phase of bipolar disorder. A friend cycles through mania and depression. In mania there can be lots of anger and mistrust. They do not feel anything is wrong when things are obviously in bad shape.

This has been going on for a life time. Some people suffer from this all their lives. Some people stay stable on meds but that means the person must be open to treatment. Good intentions and efforts on my part have not prevented my friend from having radical mood swings.

Hope if this is still a burning issue for you you find support here and possibly with a therapist that is there to support you.

Hi cmorales. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry your dad is making life miserable for your mom and your family.

My friend can be like that when they get what their doctor calls mania. They are irrational and often angry and combative.

I guess what I have learned to do is not to react to what they are saying as that only provokes them more. When they are upset I find a room that I can be alone in like my room or the bathroom.

If they become a danger to themselves or others, the police can be called but unless they are really demonstrably a threat to themselves then often they get sent home. It is not easy to get people hospitalization for this reason.

Having your mom get a therapist might be a good step to helping them start to heal the wounds and find out what a reasonable course of action might be. The therapist probably knows the mental health system also and may be able to advise a course of action for getting your father treatment when they have a breakdown.

Both your mom and dad are adults and can decide for themselves what to do so be careful because you may find they both resist your suggestions. In the end we can only take care of our own well being. I had to take up yoga and exercise classes to give me the support I needed to cope with the situation. What options are you considering to do your own self care?