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Default Jul 09, 2018 at 01:56 PM
  #1
I'm here again...3 months later. That seems to be my husband's pattern the past 2 years. You'd think that I would catch it by now but when things are going really well, I tend to not catch the signs.

Some background:
-Husband has been in and out of the hospital throughout the past 2.5 years. His latest was in March for 3 weeks. He checks himself in usually after secretly going off of his meds. He starts feeling good, goes off the meds...symptoms return...he self medicates with weed and alcohol. Reset.

-After his December hospitalization (the "epiphany") he had a breakdown realizing that this was a lifelong illness. He finally decided to give the no-pot thing a try for the first time since he was 13! He's 32.

-Things were going great! Taking meds. Clean. Happy. Contributing to the house. Fun. Fairly social

-Relapse-quits meds -hospital

Now that you're up to speed...


-About 3 weeks ago I noticed he was acting sneaky and not coming home. He was socially quiet and was sleeping a lot.

-He admitted to be off his meds. He also had smoked pot. I asked his mother to come from 3 states away because I am quite frankly exhausted with this and wanted backup. She's retired, so she was pleased to come. She has been around ever since.

-We thought maybe we could handle this without hospitalization. Maybe we had caught it early enough that he could get back on his meds/back on track.

-He took a week off work. Occupied his time with his mom. Then he went back to work and was loving it (he works part time as a ranch hand).

-Starts acting weird again about a week later. Coming home late. Lying about where he had been.

-Rather than handing over his paycheck for me to handle (which is our agreement since he makes poor financial decisions) he cashed it and spent the whole thing

-Disappeared for almost 24 hours into the woods and came home smelling like pot and having spent the night alone drinking.

-Spending time with "friends" who are not actually real friends/smoking buddies.

I'm at my wit's end. I do so much for us. I love him dearly. I can only do so much. This is in his hands as an adult. He has the support system and framework to treat his mental illness. He is on many prescriptions (prolixin, abilify, buspar, gabapentin, celexa, minipress, cogentin, inderal, vistiril as needed). One injectible but they plan to make another one of his pills into an injection starting next month since he has a pattern of going on and off the meds. I hope that helps moving forward. In the meantime he doesn't want to go to the hospital and it seems he has given up on the "no weed" thing. What a mess this is. He also cuts...did I mention that? Inner thighs as of late. Won't show me how bad it is. Probably could use stitches I'm guessing.

:-(

I could go on and on.
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Smile Jul 09, 2018 at 07:08 PM
  #2
Thanks for sharing this difficult situation. I hope you can, in some way, find some resolution. Here are links to 4 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that may be of some interest:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...ant-to-change/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/you-ca...ing-people-be/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-y...e-a-loved-one/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/child...dium=popular17

My best wishes to both you & your husband...

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Default Jul 10, 2018 at 09:29 AM
  #3
These articles are all things that I "know" or have read but it's good to be reminded. Setting limits is so hard, especially when it seemed like things were going in a positive direction. I'm not sure what to do about him spending his paychecks on whatever he wants rather than contributing to the household. I don't know what to do about the weed. I HATE the smell. I hate how lazy it makes him. I am doing absolutely everything around the house at this point. Mowing the lawn, making the money, cleaning....I even used all of his tools and lumber last weekend and built a working gate for our backyard. These are things that he used to enjoy doing...even just a few weeks ago and now I am watching him throw everything away like this.

He won't say a word to me. Says he doesn't trust me. I'm not sure what that means. Trust me with what?

I can't control him. The positive is that he's still seeing a therapist and getting some treatment even when he misses doses of his meds. He has an injection every 3 weeks. It's not enough to keep him stable but it has to do something I hope.

This has really been a prolonged thing...this...episode...relapse...whatever it may be. I think he may have given up to an extent. He has expressed no desire this time around to get back on his feet.
He's just riding it out and I have to miserably watch him do it.
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Default Jul 11, 2018 at 07:13 AM
  #4
He is riding it out...... waiting for the wheels to fall off? You do not have to watch him destroy his existence. Marriage is a two way street. Wondering if you go with him to his therapist and talk about this.
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Default Jul 11, 2018 at 09:55 AM
  #5
We are also going to couples therapy which was positive the first few sessions until this GIANT downfall. I talked to his therapist and filled him in on what's going on. His therapist basically says that my husband is an adult and has to decide for himself if he is going to take his meds and be clean.

I FINALLY was able to talk to my husband (or at my husband) a little yesterday and express all of my issues/fears. He was very quiet. He did say that he is basically on a rollercoaster and he is just going to wait for it to crash (in other words...rather than trying to make a change I think). He won't go to the hospital because he's embarrassed and has been there almost every 3 months for the past year (he thought this time would be different and he could last longer).

He has no immediate intention to quit smoking weed and has admitted that he is only sometimes taking his meds.

He says that taking meds means that he's a "freak". that's kind of a new one. I haven't heard him say it before.

I found a bunch of meds in his little trash can in his car so he's definitely not taking the during the day dose. When he goes off the meds, he tends to not be able to get back on them himself...without supervision....voices tell him not to take them. Once he's in the hospital and gets stabalized, he intends on taking them and following through but after about 3 months he feels good and stops again. it's a cycle.

He has been going to work (as a ranch hand with horses) and somehow functioning. Horses I think are therapeutic...cause if this were any other job I don't think he'd be able to do it right now.

I asked him if he knew what day it was yesterday. He didn't. That's not super unusual...then I asked if he knew the month....he didn't until I reminded him the holiday we celebrated (july 4).

He didn't know who the president was. He said..."I know it's not George Bush"

So.....he must be REALLY out of it.
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Default Jul 11, 2018 at 11:05 AM
  #6
I understand that mental illness is a difficult thing to deal with, however, if you are married to someone, you have the right to set limits and declare what you will and will not put up with.


I am schizoaffective and I resisted treatment for many years. My inability to live like an adult was destroying my life and putting a lot of pressure on my husband. He gave me some ultimatums about meds and therapy, and because he did, I got treatment and a lot of things improved in terms of my daily functioning.

There are medication apps that track your med usage and set alarm reminders, and also allow you to share this information with family members or caretakers. Perhaps that might be a helpful step in the right direction.
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Default Jul 11, 2018 at 12:15 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nix View Post
I understand that mental illness is a difficult thing to deal with, however, if you are married to someone, you have the right to set limits and declare what you will and will not put up with.


I am schizoaffective and I resisted treatment for many years. My inability to live like an adult was destroying my life and putting a lot of pressure on my husband. He gave me some ultimatums about meds and therapy, and because he did, I got treatment and a lot of things improved in terms of my daily functioning.

There are medication apps that track your med usage and set alarm reminders, and also allow you to share this information with family members or caretakers. Perhaps that might be a helpful step in the right direction.
I appreciate your input greatly. We went into the marriage with the understanding that therapy and meds were necessary. He is still seeing a therapist weekly if not twice a week and sees a psychiatrist. He just hasn't accepted this and isn't keeping up with the meds. He has alarms on his phone. He just will choose to not take the pills if no one is around.

You're right about the limits and I need to work on that. I am under the impression that ultimatums never work.
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Default Jul 11, 2018 at 04:22 PM
  #8
I thought this article might shed light on ultimatums.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/welln...us-ultimatums/
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Default Jul 12, 2018 at 03:35 AM
  #9
I am relived that you were able to talk to him in regards to issues. Sounds like he shared more than normal. The truth of it is having a number of admissions together is normal sometimes until we finally "get" it. Been there, done that. He is a grown up and responsible for decisions. Accepting that maybe he needs to go back in to help himself is maybe the next step. Not easy but doable. Wishing you all the best for his recovery.
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Default Jul 12, 2018 at 09:10 AM
  #10
I am urging him to check himself into the hospital at this point. He's confused. He didn't know who the president was....what the month was...

He has tons of "noise" and he is seeing visual hallucinations a lot more than usual. He can barely make any eye contact.

He said he would consider it. He lost his wallet and though that's happened many times I can't help but worry that he is trying to go off of the grid. There was mention on his phone to a shady "friend" of his something about the make/model/year of his car. It was a very unusual cryptic conversation.

His therapist said unless he's an imminent danger to himself there is not really anything we can do other than let him check himself in if that's what he chooses.

I do believe he is considering it. I don't believe he is getting better. He's still willing to see a therapist so he hasn't completely given up but he is just kind of floating through and magically working. It's like he's running on nothing.
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Default Jul 12, 2018 at 01:26 PM
  #11
LuckyCupofTea I am so sorry you are on the receiving end of this irrational behavior. It must be so difficult for you. Have you considered what kind of things you need to do for yourself to keep yourself feeling good about life?

I deal with a friend that goes through manic episodes and they can be totally off the wall. They think they do not need meds so when they are in that mind they do not take meds which makes things get worse. When the police or mental health staff finally get involved with them then they get sent to hospital at least for 3 days. Sometimes it takes another hospitalization to get enough evidence that allows them to keep my friend in the hospital long enough for them to get stable since laws protect everyone from forced hospitalization unless they are risk to themselves that others can see or to other people that has material evidence of that.

I had to back down from being assertive about getting them in hospital because "they did not trust me" and the professionals seem to act like I was being manipulative. So I back off, and though I care deeply about my friend, I stopped trying to run their life and let them take some responsibility for their own life.

One word of warning, if weed is not legal in your state, reporting your partner to the police could end up sending them to jail not the hospital so be careful when or if you do that. Certainly if you are not safe then your safety trumps everything and you should contact police to keep yourself safe. The fact they may be doing illegal drugs means there may be not only mental health concerns, but also legal concerns.

Having a therapist for yourself may be an option you want to consider. Maybe they can advise you when and if this situation becomes too toxic for you. You are an adult too and you may want to consider the quality of life issues this represents for you.

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Default Jul 13, 2018 at 08:23 AM
  #12
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Originally Posted by CANDC View Post
LuckyCupofTea I am so sorry you are on the receiving end of this irrational behavior. It must be so difficult for you. Have you considered what kind of things you need to do for yourself to keep yourself feeling good about life?

I deal with a friend that goes through manic episodes and they can be totally off the wall. They think they do not need meds so when they are in that mind they do not take meds which makes things get worse. When the police or mental health staff finally get involved with them then they get sent to hospital at least for 3 days. Sometimes it takes another hospitalization to get enough evidence that allows them to keep my friend in the hospital long enough for them to get stable since laws protect everyone from forced hospitalization unless they are risk to themselves that others can see or to other people that has material evidence of that.

I had to back down from being assertive about getting them in hospital because "they did not trust me" and the professionals seem to act like I was being manipulative. So I back off, and though I care deeply about my friend, I stopped trying to run their life and let them take some responsibility for their own life.

One word of warning, if weed is not legal in your state, reporting your partner to the police could end up sending them to jail not the hospital so be careful when or if you do that. Certainly if you are not safe then your safety trumps everything and you should contact police to keep yourself safe. The fact they may be doing illegal drugs means there may be not only mental health concerns, but also legal concerns.

Having a therapist for yourself may be an option you want to consider. Maybe they can advise you when and if this situation becomes too toxic for you. You are an adult too and you may want to consider the quality of life issues this represents for you.

Hi--this was a very thoughtful response and I really appreciate it. It sounds like you have a very solid grasp on what it can be like to care about someone with a serious mental illness. We are seeing a GREAT couples therapist and he sees a therapist. I finally got one for myself a couple of months ago but she was not a good fit. She pretty much sat there and said "aw sweety, you've been through so much" rather than working on coping skills or talking through some of my personal behaviors etc. There are DEFINITELY much better therapists out there (our couples therapist for instance...unfortunately I can't use him as my own individual one). I need to look into that again for myself.

I also am not sure what to do at this point because I feel I'm at my wit's end. I love my husband with all of my heart but I'm getting lost in all of this and I deserve to feel some love in return. He is truly out of his mind. He was close to accepting hospitalization last night but on our way there he changed his mind and absolutely REFUSED to go in saying that "he's got his". I'm scared for him. I've expressed all of that. I'm not one to hold back. I don't actually think I have it in me to 302 him either.

Also--yes...I am aware of the added issue of weed being involved. It is illegal in our state and the police tend to be uneducated about mental illness so yeah, he'd end up in a legal situation rather than getting the help that he needs. He won't accept the help right now. He thinks he can get back on track and take his meds but ....the voices in his head are against all of that. He's being stubborn beyond belief and I've never seen him try to avoid the hospital for THIS long. It has been almost 3 weeks of this and his behavior is getting worse.

I have no idea how he's managing to work but working with horses is therapeutic for him I guess.

He doesn't know the month or president and doesn't remember trying to sell his car to a friend the other day. That's the most bizarre thing I've ever experienced him doing. It's out of control and I can't do anything about it but watch him destroy his life.
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Default Jul 14, 2018 at 07:25 PM
  #13
Can you phone the place of his last admission and ask them for advice on how to proceed from here?
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Default Jul 16, 2018 at 08:34 AM
  #14
Update: My husband finally agreed to check into the hospital. There is one particular one that he prefers to go to. In fact, having gone to many during his teenage years, there is actually only one he is WILLING to go to. They are about 50 minutes from our house and in a smaller town rather than the city. It makes it more personal. They also know him and his case. I considered calling the hospital for advice but did not know if that was an option.

Usually I think it doesn't hurt to call but honestly with all that has gone wrong lately and everything being out of MY control....I didn't want another disappointing answer. That may seem like a silly reason to avoid calling.

We got to the hospital last night around 7:30pm. He was officially admitted around midnight. I'm at work today and was here bright and early. I contacted his boss at the horse farm to inform her. We had had a discussion about a month ago when this episode first started during which my husband agreed to disclose his illness to her. She was very understanding and said if he needed to go down in hours, he could. Of course, he then started working more (he tends to do that oddly enough when he's not doing that well. He overworks).

This job means so much to him. Working with horses is calming. Part of the resistance to the hospital was leaving them. Any of his past jobs (carpentry, cooking, landscaping) he enjoyed but wouldn't have been able to work in the condition he was in. This job is really perfect for him. I'm so scared that he will lost it. I don't think he will....but that fear is there.

His hospitalizations usually last a minimum of 1 week, if not 3.

I also noticed--usually with his episodes/off the meds he tends to have a short temper/gets ramped up easily.....this time it was almost the opposite. He was nearly non-responsive to everything and just laid there when he was home. He went fishing with his best friend on Saturday and fell asleep on a log the whole time. He had slept the entire day. It was his first day off of work in probably 6 days but still....it wasn't normal.

He's always been a big sleeper but when he's well it's not as much.

I'm glad he's safe now.
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Default Jul 16, 2018 at 09:24 PM
  #15
Thanks for the update and I am glad the he is getting help and is in a safe place. Take time out to do something nice for yourself. Hopefully as time progresses he will be able to refocus and make better decisions.
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Default Jul 17, 2018 at 05:06 PM
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Hope you can live with this difficult situation. It is like being in limbo you want to help but it is up to them to seek help.

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Default Jul 20, 2018 at 10:07 AM
  #17
Update: This will be a short stay for him. About a week and a half. He will be released next week. They are adding an additional injection to his regimen.
Now instead of abilify every 3 weeks, he will get that every 2 weeks and then alternate with prolixin every 2 weeks (which he was already on orally).

When visiting last night, I finally saw his eyes. it was like he came back from whatever planet he's been on for a month. I hadn't seen him look me in the eye for a month and a half. He also was able to come up with long and coherent responses to serious questions.

I really hope that this stretch lasts longer than the rest and he does what it takes to take care of himself.
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Default Jul 20, 2018 at 05:01 PM
  #18
Yes, getting injections more frequently is the way to go. There are also other meds that disintegrate as soon as they hit your tongue. Maybe he would consider you watching him take his meds since he is e embarrassed about the frequency of his hospitalization. He has proved he cannot be trusted to follow the med regime on his own. He needs to earn trust here.

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Default Jul 21, 2018 at 09:59 PM
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Update: This will be a short stay for him. About a week and a half. He will be released next week. They are adding an additional injection to his regimen.
Now instead of abilify every 3 weeks, he will get that every 2 weeks and then alternate with prolixin every 2 weeks (which he was already on orally).

When visiting last night, I finally saw his eyes. it was like he came back from whatever planet he's been on for a month. I hadn't seen him look me in the eye for a month and a half. He also was able to come up with long and coherent responses to serious questions.

I really hope that this stretch lasts longer than the rest and he does what it takes to take care of himself.
I hear you. That is my hope for you too. But mood swings are not always predicatable but can be less extreme with medication. No matter what my friend is doing and what space they are in, I need to do self care so I can help them from a stable and positive space. When I do not take care of myself, my level of caring is not as effective.

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