Supporting a child with depression and anxiety

Both of my adult daughters (as well as myself) deal with depression and anxiety. In both of their cases, the depression began in their teens, one seemingly out of nowhere, the other as a result of bullying at school. My younger girl (age 21) is now going through a rough time as she went off meds (thinking she was ok) and began a downward spiral. Some background - she was bullied in 8th grade - mean girl stuff from girls who had been her friends - and began refusing to go to school. Eventually, we withdrew her and homeschooled and she attended a hybrid school. She made some friends, but was still quite isolated. Eventually, she dropped out. She also began cutting herself occasionally. Last summer she met a guy and they began spending all their time together and she seemed to really come out of her depression - she seemed motivated to get better, went back to a psychiatrist and therapist and was doing well. Then she accidentally cut herself badly enough to require a trip to the hospital and ended up in a psych hospital for a week. While the hospitalization didn't do much for her, when she came out she seemed like a light went on - she got her GED (which she'd been dragging her feet on for two years), decided to attend a trade school, found one in another city a couple of hours from home. She and her boyfriend moved, she started school and was doing really, really well. She loved it and was doing great. Unfortunately, the relationship fell apart and boyfriend moved out. She has made some friends at school, but no one close. Living alone, losing the relationship and stopping her meds sent her downhill. She suddenly texts me that she hates school and wants to drop out.


She and I have had, at times, a tumultuous relationship, particularly during her teen years. For a long time, I pushed her to go to a doctor and see about getting on meds because it was clear to me that she was suffering from anxiety and depression. She resisted a lot, sometimes would go, then not take the meds and refuse therapy. She was angry and disrespectful to me and my husband (her dad). This sent me into a tailspin with my own depression a couple of times and I feel like I did a lot of things wrong. I was controlling and did too much for her just in an effort to get her to school or doing anything - i.e., she would say, "if you do this/buy me this, I'll do this." And I would do it. In hindsight, I see these mistakes, but they set a pattern that I don't want to fall back into.


I persuaded her to take a leave from school rather than dropping out - there is a significant investment of time and money in this, plus I think she'll want to get back to it when she's feeling better - and I have taken a leave from my p/t job (my husband and I are retired) and come to stay with her while she's getting back on meds and therapy. She does have appointments to see a doc and therapist. I think she recognizes that she needs help and is not resisting that part of it. I guess where I am struggling is boundaries. What is too much for me to do - when am I overstepping and what is appropriate for me to do? When do I draw a line when she begins to try to manipulate me using this situation (and that does happen). So far, I have tried to get her outside to exercise (this has been helpful in the past), reach out to some of her classmates and just keep in contact. She had a bad night a couple of days ago and said she reached out and no one answered. Her twitter (yes, I look at it) indicates to me that she's desperate for attention - she made it sound like she cut herself and had to go to the hospital - and isn't getting it.


Any parents who are/have experienced the same thing and any advice on how to proceed while keeping your own head above water?

I know you're looking for replies from parents who've experienced something similar to what you describe in your post. And that's not me. However since no other members have yet replied to your post I thought I would.

I recall replying to your post in the New Members Introductions forum & providing you with links to a number of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subjects of helping someone to heal from depression & / or anxiety as well as on how to manage depression yourself. Below are links to some articles on the subject of enmeshed relationships & personal boundaries. Hopefully some of the information in these articles will be of some help with regard to how to proceed:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/are-yo...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knott...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-on...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-insi...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...stop-enabling/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...ndent-pattern/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-ar...do-i-get-some/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-...er-boundaries/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/why-boundaries-dont-work/

Thanks very much - I will check these out - appreciate it!

Sorry I'm so late. My son is 16 and struggles with some of the same things as your daughter. He's also home schooled and only talks to friends when they're right in front of him. Boundaries: As an adult she needs to pay her own bills. I require my son to get up and shower. at least be in the main living area. He's required to do dishes daily. He's off for the summer for the next two weeks so school isn't an issue right now.

I have the issue of harming myself. My husband has put up all the sharp objects and pills. I have to ask him for them if I need them. He also tends to watch me with them. My son has the issue of picking at his skin to harm himself so there's no taking his hands from him.

I think while you're there lite house work is okay. If you have to go to the store or out for anything you should try to bring her too.

This past May my oldest daughter 20 years old was diagnosed with bipolar 2. The psychiatrist saw my daughter for a total of 10 minutes twice. My daughter feels she was misdiagnosed. Prior to this she was diagnosed with major depression since age 13. She is not on any meds and is struggling with her depression. My daughter just changed jobs and has no health insurance. There are based on income places she can go to, to get started on meds. I suggested she go and get re-evaluated. I texted her today to check on her and see how her day was. She said “dying”. I watched the local news and a lady was on saying that she had depression real bad. That she started doing yoga and it helped her. I texted my daughter and told her about it. I told her she could get on YouTube and get the yoga videos from there. I’m not going to stalk my daughter. I gave her gas money to get to work and money for groceries. She does not have to pay it back. I told her to call and make payment arrangements on any bills. But when she gets paid pay them. In October she will be 21 years old. I’m not going to manipulate her into going to a psychiatrist because she’s an adult like it or not. Some people have to hit rock bottom. She has a history of cutting too.

Good luck - it's so hard. I feel like my dd is slowly feeling better. I'm hoping we're on the right road now. Appt. with therapist today and doc to evaluate the meds she has been prescribed next week. I do yoga and I think it's a great tool to calm down and relax.