Do these behaviors fit with bipolar disorder?

Hello, everyone,

I was directed to this forum by a friend who lives with bipolar II after he told me that the erratic behavior of my ex boyfriend reminds him of his experience with bipolar. I am not looking to 'diagnose' him - merely to try and make some sense of something that has left me spinning and confused.

I have been seeing a 30 y.o. guy for almost a year. Our situation is a little unusual: I work online and therefore have been moving countries once every few months for the past several years since I'm not tied anywhere by my job. He has been doing the same, although looking for work wherever he goes. So when we met, I thought we were a great match. Around five months ago, we moved together to Laos, he found a job and we'd been living peacefully, with the plan of staying for about a year before relocating somewhere else.

I met him in italy when he was staying with some friends, right after a long motorbike trip around Europe which included an impulsive trip to Canada for two weeks in which he spent all his money. When I met him he was acting normal... We dated, spent quiet time together, he went out partying a couple of times but nothing out of the ordinary.

Then we moved to Laos and he became hyperactive and reckless. He was unable to sit still, even spending half an hour alone with me after work was impossible - party party party, during which he was unable to stay still, kept running around talking to everyone, always drinking until 5 am then off to work and starting again as soon as he was off. He did always take me with him saying it was more fun with me around, but the truth is I might as well not have been there since he gave attention to everyone but me. Eventually he started to seem annoyed by my presence, saying having to give me attention, be nice to me and "please me" was taxing, that he just wanted to be "alone" meaning surrounded by strangers he didn't have to think about and could be rude to.

During this phase I experienced the random bouts of rage where he threw anything in my face including the fact that I was hungry and wanted dinner - saying he didn't need to eat or sleep, he just wanted to party and go crazy and dance on tables and my being around was "holding him back" even though I never actually tried to restrain him at all - it was all in his head. Whenever we were alone he was exhausted, just reading, lost all interest in sex. But as soon as any stranger was around, he would jump up and explode with energy.

And then disaster struck.

The business where he worked was sold and the new owner, without even talking to him face to face, let him know he'd be replaced by a cousin and let go. He suddenly exploded into anger and darkness, ended up being fired on the spot for being rude to the new owner and the staff, and he was taking it out on me. I kept my distance, figuring it would pass. But the next morning he told me his heart is shut, he has no feelings for anyone, he hates everything and everyone and he wanted to break up with me and start over alone a new life in a new country. To say I was shocked and devastated is an understatement. Until two days earlier we were still planning what to do in case the job didn't work out - go home, see our families, then pick another country and move - and suddenly he was this angry, cold stranger. When I was crying, he was actually annoyed and muttering he should have just up and disappeared to avoid all complications - while anytime I'd been upset before he'd been so loving and concerned. I didn't even recognize this person.

Such an extreme overreaction that left me astonished, when up until the day before he was calmly saying if the job didn't work out he'd just look for another one, or we could just move somewhere else.

I moved to a farm where I used to work, and the strange thing is that he moved there with me. I welcomed him to stay because I was concerned about him - he seemed dead, not talking, not smiling. Even when he managed to laugh and chat, after he would say that he feels no happiness and is not having fun, that there's nothing to do but wait for death. That he just wants to be alone and can't think about anyone else.

The strange thing is, that the last week I spent there after the breakup, things were great. We were still together 24/7, we took a road trip and had an amazing time, we chatted and laughed and frankly got along much better than we had in the past. When I asked him how this was any different than being in a relationship, he said it's because in his head he's alone - thinking only about himself - and that although we get along wonderfully, are a perfect match, I was the perfect girlfriend, he still wants to drop everything and start over alone somewhere else (to get 'high' on all the distractions of a new life so he can feel temporarily better) although he knows it won't work, he will not be happy, because he's been doing it all his life but it never works.

He told me he's diagnosed as depressive. HIs father committed suicide from severe depression when he was 14 and he never got over that. His mother has been writing to me worried sick about how he's always done this, and it's like he has two different personalities, and it's not normal, and he should go to a doctor and take medication. I wished her the best, but there's nothing I can do about it.

realized also that his last long relationship, also almost one year, was long distance. I actually think things would have been better if we too had been long distance meeting only every now and then, so I would have been a positive exciting element rather than part of the routine that he couldn't stand.

Also, he has a history of settling down somewhere, building a life, then suddenly running away to start over in a new country. I assumed they were planned moves like they are for me (I also relocate a lot since I work online) but I think for him it's actually more of a compulsion.

I don't know if this could fit with bipolar or something else. It would seem from what I read that after the crash he would get closer, not end things. But I don't know. And it doesn't really matter... I'm just trying to make some kind of sense of it all in my head.

Thank you so very much for putting up with the novel I just wrote...

Hello Embers: Since this is your first post here on PC, welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

What you described certainly does sound bipolar to me. But I'm not a mental health professional. So that's just a personal opinion. Perhaps other members, here on PC, will have some insights they can share.

Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of bipolar disorder that may be of interest, the first by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D. (including a couple on being in a relationship with a person who has bipolar disorder... just in case this relationship should unexpectedly come back to life):

Bipolar Disorder - What is it? Can it be treated?

The Two Types of Bipolar Disorder

Frequently Asked Questions about Bipolar Disorder

"Day-to-Day" Bipolar Disorder Before Diagnosis

In-Depth: Living with Bipolar Disorder

https://psychcentral.com/lib/maintai...olar-disorder/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/partne...sts_position=0

And then, since you mentioned this relationship has left you spinning & confused, here are links to a couple of articles on the subject of healing following break-up:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/coping...-relationship/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/finding-closure/

My best wishes to you...

Hi there!

I can't help but wonder if you would get more ... I don't know how to express this without offending, and that is not my intent, but... posting in the bipolar forum might be better as the responses would be from people with bipolar. (Like I said, no offense intended, the post just seem to lend itself to it.)

Ok. Disclaimer out of the way. Yes, there is a lot here that would indicate bipolar. Have you ever mentioned anything to him about seeking help? (In reading I don't get the impression he'd go for that, but I have to ask). One thing that confuses me is your saying that from reading (where?) that he'd be likely to want to get close after a crash. It is WAY more likely he would pull away, as it is very common to isolate in depression. Like...nearly universal. Just FYI.

Oh, right, I should mention that I do have bipolar. (And just happened into this via new posts.)

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Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

Dear Skeezyks and Innerzone,

thank you so much for your kind answers! I will read the articles now.

Innerzone - I did see the bipolar forum, but I wasn't sure if I was allowed to post there or if I'd be intruding. I will try now

I never mentioned anything to him as I only realized the extent of his issues when he suddenly broke down after the job loss, the following few days were quite the whirlwind and at the moment I am back home in Italy. Although he is keeping in touch sending a couple of random texts per day, I don't feel like engaging in any deep conversation. I did suggest it to his mother though, but she too said that she doesn't think he will want to see a doctor.

Regarding the comment about getting close after a crash - I was reading a few stories on a forum called Mdjunction, and most people describe their partners with bipolar disorder as running away at the onset of mania/hypomania and returning when they 'crash'. But as I mentioned, I am completely new to all this, so I don't know what might be common or not - thank you so very much for your input, it is incredibly valuable!