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Old 08-30-2018, 07:47 AM #1
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Default Setting and enforcing boundaries - Protecting Myself....

I'll begin by saying that this is the most emotional pain that I have ever endured in my life. What is happening around me and within me right now feels like an endless hurricane.

My husband has schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. He has had around 8 hospitalizations in the past 2 years, lasting between one and 3 weeks at a time. I've been with him for 12 years and married for 2. During the relationship he has gone through countless jobs, lied to me all the time, gone on and off alcohol, on and off meds constantly. The lie that I told myself is that I had this all under control.

I thought that I was stronger than others. I researched the illness, took a class, read books, became an advocate, tried to fight stigma, went to therapy with him, researched meds, scheduled appointments, coordinated everything. Also--worked full time, paid all bills, coordinated everything adult, found jobs for my husband, counted out his pills, reminded him to take them, coordinated injections, called bosses over the years to try to "smooth things over", did all house chores unless I reminded him over and over again.

Before I go on--here are some positives about my husband--he loves his family, he embraces his inner child (that becomes a negative too), he is adventurous, I love traveling with him and seeing his reactions to things, his stories are invigorating, he is funny, he is handy/skilled, he loves animals.

I love my husband. I have also fallen into the codependent category. I have lost my sense of self in ways (while still maintaining a certain level of self-care...but not enough). Around every corner with my hope that he would eventually accept treatment completely, was immense disappointment when life would come crashing down again. Lost jobs, back to alcohol, disappearing in to the woods. His illness is awful. I can't imagine living with the voices everyday and the racing thoughts. But ultimately, I have to remind myself that he is an adult and has choices.

The past year has been especially hard....really the past 2 years. So many hospitalizations. Each time I think that maybe he has grasped it...that he will stay on his meds this time...then he "feels better" and secretly goes off of them while pretending to continue taking them. The best 2 months of our marriage were when he finally decided to quit smoking weed. Weed has always been a priority for him. It makes his illness worse. Those 2 months...might have been what has thrown me over the edge. I finally got to see a more stable version of him....someone who was attentive...who noticed me....then another hospitalization and he completely gave up on being clean. Even after getting relatively stable, it was no longer a priority. He was so excited about being clean. He would go around telling everyone. He called his parents every day to tell them what day he was on. He was proud.

That was....in February I think. It feels like a long long time ago. It was the only stretch of our 12 years that I have seen him sober for that long.
It is hard to explain my relationship with my husband. He has been the focus of my life for all of this time. I realize that that is my own doing. There are so many things that I should not have tolerated...there are boundaries that I never enforced. Our good times felt so good....and he is so much a part of my life and family....but always having to leave places early...catering to his illness all the time...the little things that people do for one another...don't happen to me. He isn't a cold hearted person but he doesn't go out of his way to do nice small things for me.

So--this has been vague. Long-winded...and doesn't give a very clear picture of what's been going on. Leading up to his last hospitalization in July, things were never quite that great. They weren't horrible, but we were seeing a couples counselor...he was willing to try some of the therapist's suggestions...until he wasn't. He started smoking more weed...started disappearing more option....He would come home and just sleep. I went away for the weekend at the beginning of August with friends. The trip had been planned for a long time. We decided it wasn't a good idea for Adam to go because he didn't like the people very much and crowds aren't his thing. When I got back from the trip, we were supposed to sit down and talk about what it felt like to be away from one another.

He refused to talk about it. In fact...for the past MONTH...I get home...he is either not there or just laying there. He won't answer me. He tells me to go away. I freaked out on him early on in the month. Spewed a bunch of horrendous things about him not contributing etc. etc. I got very angry. I went ballistic. He has done so many times over the years...and I finally lost my cool. That hurt him....and so he has been silent for nearly a month. The couples counselor paused counseling because he asked my husband if he had any effort left and my husband said "i don't know". My husband barely responded in the counseling sessions.

Everyday I go home and try to talk to him...and he says he's not talking to me. I finally asked him to move out. The counselor recommended we live separately anyway and I realize that the counselor isn't our end all be all but I am out of options. He comes home and is high. He just lays there. His paychecks are being completely spent. he hasn't given me any of his paycheck money since....April.

I'm a mess. The house is "ours". I paid for everything. We are married though so legally it is ours. He is supposedly going to be moving to this property at the farm where he works....it may or may not be a real thing. It's hard to determine what is a lie and what isn't.

I feel like I am abandoning a child. He is hurt....he is sick....but he isn't taking care of himself.
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Old 08-30-2018, 07:50 AM #2
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Default Re: Setting and enforcing boundaries - Protecting Myself....

Oh--the boundaries that I set and enforced. I forgot to mention that portion.
After weeks of not talking to me he came out on the deck while I was reading and I said "are you finally here to talk" and he paused and then said that he was out of cigarettes and if I gave him money, he would pay me back $40 the next day....
I told him up front 3 weeks ago that if he was going to be handling his own money and not paying anything towards bills, I would not be helping him when he ran out of gas and cigarettes. So...for the first time ever I said no. I was not stern. I just repeated what I had told him in the weeks prior. He went to the other room and kicked a chair. He came back and said something about a favor human to human. Unbelievable. :-(
I left so that I wasn't tempted to give him money.
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Old 08-30-2018, 12:58 PM #3
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Smile Re: Setting and enforcing boundaries - Protecting Myself....

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you. At some point one does simply have to take care of oneself regardless. From what you wrote, it's sound as though you are overdue. I send hugs with the hope you will be able to find deep peace within...
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Old 08-30-2018, 01:14 PM #4
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Default Re: Setting and enforcing boundaries - Protecting Myself....

Can you keep seeing a therapist? Separating sounds like the best bet.
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Old 08-30-2018, 01:23 PM #5
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Default Re: Setting and enforcing boundaries - Protecting Myself....

Quote:
Originally Posted by LuckyCupofTea View Post
Oh--the boundaries that I set and enforced. I forgot to mention that portion.
After weeks of not talking to me he came out on the deck while I was reading and I said "are you finally here to talk" and he paused and then said that he was out of cigarettes and if I gave him money, he would pay me back $40 the next day....
I told him up front 3 weeks ago that if he was going to be handling his own money and not paying anything towards bills, I would not be helping him when he ran out of gas and cigarettes. So...for the first time ever I said no. I was not stern. I just repeated what I had told him in the weeks prior. He went to the other room and kicked a chair. He came back and said something about a favor human to human. Unbelievable. :-(
I left so that I wasn't tempted to give him money.

Hi.


Look, I'm not gonna tell you what you should or shouldn't do or give any advice. You've probably received a lot of that already by your friends, family, coworkers and I'm sure the vast majority of it being of the "throw the lazy sod out, he doesn't deserve you, your just enabling..." variety. And they are right - he doesn't and you are.


But you already knew that.


I just wanted to thank you for being so strong, for giving your life, the very best of it to your husband, to anyone of us so blessed to have had someone very, very much like you in our lives. And - yeah, we do know the truth - you could have easily had so much more.


But you chose him because you saw something - what was it? Despite all of the "My GOD!! What does she SEE??" that you probably overheard, you did see something, if only glimmers, hints of what he could have - should have - will become - never became .


Just wondering what's going on in his head.


Is he waiting for pain to clear his mind? Will terrible pain of loss wake him up? When he finally realizes that he could literally spend a lifetime searching for someone like you only to find that you really were one of a kind? The best thing he could ever have and then has to answer some self-flagellating compulsion to throw it away, over and over again.


He may be living under a cloud of delusion about a lot of things. False beliefs, the belief that life lasts forever, that hearts will always mend, that a heart can be starved without consequences.


Does he think that getting his butt in gear, going to his twelve steps, taking his meds, putting on the tie you bought him for job interviews gonna sweep you off your feet then? Maybe he even checks out a how-to-win-them-back/save your marriage book. Maybe he finally kicks the heroin/exorcises his infantile demon/frees himself of whatever to finally become the man you knew was there all along. And it really was tough, he truly overcame his __________ for you, because he really did love you.

And you would have been so proud of him. But it won't be you anymore. Starving a heart for need has sad consequences and he succeeded in convincing you that you are better off, much better off with ...


Your post really tore me up to read. I see the kind of man my son might become, his long-suffering wife telling someone this story. I see the man that I might have become.


Your husband doesn't have the presence of mind, a mind clouded with dope, biochemistry out of whack, whatever - to say this so I will do it for him.


"Thank you. I did see. I did see you all of this time. I knew. Your love did save me"




I have to thank you as well for reminding me of something and with that, I'm going to wrap up things up early and go take my wife, who's having to attend meetings at another office across town, out for lunch. I've not done that in way, way too long.


Nothing fancy, Just shoot the breeze. Maybe even order a bottle of wine that she likes.


Thank you
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Old 08-30-2018, 01:54 PM #6
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Default Re: Setting and enforcing boundaries - Protecting Myself....

Quote:
Originally Posted by DahveyJonez View Post
Hi.


Look, I'm not gonna tell you what you should or shouldn't do or give any advice. You've probably received a lot of that already by your friends, family, coworkers and I'm sure the vast majority of it being of the "throw the lazy sod out, he doesn't deserve you, your just enabling..." variety. And they are right - he doesn't and you are.


But you already knew that.


I just wanted to thank you for being so strong, for giving your life, the very best of it to your husband, to anyone of us so blessed to have had someone very, very much like you in our lives. And - yeah, we do know the truth - you could have easily had so much more.


But you chose him because you saw something - what was it? Despite all of the "My GOD!! What does she SEE??" that you probably overheard, you did see something, if only glimmers, hints of what he could have - should have - will become - never became .


Just wondering what's going on in his head.


Is he waiting for pain to clear his mind? Will terrible pain of loss wake him up? When he finally realizes that he could literally spend a lifetime searching for someone like you only to find that you really were one of a kind? The best thing he could ever have and then has to answer some self-flagellating compulsion to throw it away, over and over again.


He may be living under a cloud of delusion about a lot of things. False beliefs, the belief that life lasts forever, that hearts will always mend, that a heart can be starved without consequences.


Does he think that getting his butt in gear, going to his twelve steps, taking his meds, putting on the tie you bought him for job interviews gonna sweep you off your feet then? Maybe he even checks out a how-to-win-them-back/save your marriage book. Maybe he finally kicks the heroin/exorcises his infantile demon/frees himself of whatever to finally become the man you knew was there all along. And it really was tough, he truly overcame his __________ for you, because he really did love you.

And you would have been so proud of him. But it won't be you anymore. Starving a heart for need has sad consequences and he succeeded in convincing you that you are better off, much better off with ...


Your post really tore me up to read. I see the kind of man my son might become, his long-suffering wife telling someone this story. I see the man that I might have become.


Your husband doesn't have the presence of mind, a mind clouded with dope, biochemistry out of whack, whatever - to say this so I will do it for him.


"Thank you. I did see. I did see you all of this time. I knew. Your love did save me"




I have to thank you as well for reminding me of something and with that, I'm going to wrap up things up early and go take my wife, who's having to attend meetings at another office across town, out for lunch. I've not done that in way, way too long.


Nothing fancy, Just shoot the breeze. Maybe even order a bottle of wine that she likes.


Thank you

Wow. This response. You understand. It hurts so much....
I think at some point he will "wake up" and by that time...I'm afraid it will be too late...and I hate that. Timing is really everything. We aren't on the same page. He is self-sabataging...and I think that partly it is because he has given up...partly because he is hurt...he is fighting this awful battle...or he isn't fighting at all. He thinks lowly of himself...and he knows that I'm in pain but he's not taking action and has not taken action in a long time. The action he has taken over the years is unfortunately minimal. I always attributed to "it's the best he can give. I should be happy he's finally willing to TRY meds and therapy". That was always my excuse in recent years. "at least he's finally in therapy" but we are going on 5 years of that excuse. He may be ahead of where he was when he was into worse drugs, but the stability has almost primarily been as a result of myself keeping up with this life for him. The stability has only been glimpses of stability.

The "why would you be with him" question is something that the other part of me has always asked. Potential. Potential is a dangerous word I think. Loving someone right here and now....rather than what you believe is inside...loving the glimpses of the person he is...wow. I am having loads of epiphanies lately. It isn't that i haven't examined my choices and my life with him over the years. I have...but only lightly and only long enough to not try anything different.

I'm afraid also that he will "snap out of it" and go into that person that I'm so in love with (the one that I get to have glimpses of...sometimes for hours...sometimes for a few weeks or even months)....and then I'll be weak and rethink what I'm heading for.

I have been sobbing lately every few days. Crying every day. Mourning something even though he is still at the house. I'm so scared for him and his future.

We had hope....and that hope keeps getting more and more limited. The reality is that in the here and now...the relationship is minuscule or even nonexistent. Yesterday I saw him talking to our toy poodle and it was heartbreaking for me.

I thought I could give him the life that no one else thought he could have.................................................
So I too am deeply flawed. In most other aspects of my life...I'm a realist. When it comes to my husband, I do truly have rose-colored glasses. Always have. I can bash him...I can criticize him...I can see from an outsider's perspective how one-sided the relationship is.....but I also have that unconditional love....it's not healthy. It's like a mother-son thing.

My needs aren't being met. :-( I thought that I could handle that though. I thought that I could handle this life......because I believed he would eventually completely commit to taking care of himself. Yeah...I'm an enabler. I'm a controller. And here I am....broken.

Seeming normal. Holding my **** together at work.... but so broken.
I will and am continuing to see a therapist. I just had her put me in weekly for the foreseeable future.

Still--I feel like I am turning my back on someone. Throwing him away. Letting him do this to himself....
But that's a flawed way of thinking. I didn't make him choose to give me the silent treatment for a month. I certainly didn't suggest he stop his meds...I didn't spend his paychecks. I didn't buy him drugs or give him money for it. I certainly didn't suggest that he start drinking vodka...........

THIS SUCKS.
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Old 08-30-2018, 02:06 PM #7
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Default Re: Setting and enforcing boundaries - Protecting Myself....

My goodness this is a LOT for one person to handle. It doesn’t matter how strong you are. This just sounds like too much for one person. I’m so sorry you are going through this. There’s no room for any quality of life. I would see a counselor if possible... ❤️
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Old 09-01-2018, 06:05 PM #8
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Wanted to respond sooner but you know life gets in the way of the forums and had to put this together a minute here, 5 there - style. Which always makes for a disjointed, ramble...
Quote:
Originally Posted by LuckyCupofTea View Post
He is self-sabataging...
I see that ALOT. So much, in so many areas. I've seen one of my children, over the years, attempting to break free of the repetitive mania cycle. As soon as he looks like he is going to implement some of the many techniques he's been shown, he will stop and "but wait, before I do (game changer), first let me..." which we learned, of course is some sort of delaying tactic or a touching-one-last-time of the old, unhealthy-but-comfortable thing/lifestyle/thinking process/drug - whatever it is they are trying to change.
You get to the point, I'm sure you've experienced yourself, when someone you know is going to come off the wagon or a have a significant regression of some sort. Its when they have made progress, begun to see positive things as a result of implementing techniques or they've been attending their AA/NA meetings regularly, telling everyone excitedly how well they've been doing, starting to preach the message - I think you even mentioned your husband getting to this point - and right as they reach that moment ... its almost as if they've reached a true crossroads within themselves; there's a moment of suspended animation when they are between worlds and they are truly free ... free to make a choice. They reach back.


But it seems like there are setbacks from human weakness that are too powerful to overcome at that moment and require redoubled efforts - like an army being repelled again and again from taking some objective where the overall intent to win the war is there - but then there is a kind of, I dunno - picture someone struggling to help their friend scale a rocky precipice that they've gone over, struggling through tears, exhaustion, near-slips for what must seem like an eternity to get the victim to safety - and just as he's right at the point where he's made it, he looks up at his helper's dirt-stained but joyful face, and with a smirk, just lets go of their hand.


"What?? Was that for my benefit?!? You're so hateful that you consider yourself an expendable casualty just so you can deliver the ultimate ____ you!?!" The additive summation of all those relationship-sabotaging choices made over the years having that net effect, maybe.


Quote:


stability has only been glimpses of stability.
Just enough; just a taste. Like sitting down for a mouthwatering meal and after a couple of succulent bites, the serveuse whisks your plate away, wagging her finger "No,no,no. Setting and enforcing boundaries - Protecting Myself.... That'll do."
Quote:
...

I'm afraid also that he will "snap out of it" and go into that person that I'm so in love with (the one that I get to have glimpses of...sometimes for hours...sometimes for a few weeks or even months)....and then I'll be weak and rethink what I'm heading for.
Ja, those fleeting moments keep us hanging on, don't they? We live for them. I read something once...can't remember what it was about or pertained to...but the gist of it being that after a certain point in adulthood is reached, we will spend the rest of our lives trying to get back to that point where we thought we were at our best, when we were at our pinnacle.


Maybe some of us spend our lives trying desperately to recreate the moment when our SO was at their best.
Quote:
... I'm so scared for him and his future. ...
Quote:
I thought I could give him the life that no one else thought he could have.................................................


...but I also have that unconditional love....it's not healthy. It's like a mother-son thing.
Yeah, there could be some aspects ... I've heard my son's mum, for example, say "I'm so afraid for him, afraid for his future", and I've said and felt this myself (which is why I'm on this forum). The implication being his life will go on without us and its our job to make sure he's ready. When I've worried about my spouse or she's had fears for what would happen to me, its more 'I'm so scared for him/her and our future.


*I thought I could {inspire} him {to make} the life that no one else thought he could have.*

Quote:
...it's not healthy. It's like a mother-son thing.
I can't say, maybe - but I can also see where the storms and realities of life can blur lines and boundaries and you can end up assuming roles that you never intended to. It just has a way of creeping up on us, bit by bit, until one day, you step back and "how did it come to this?!?"


Did you ever see the film, As Good As It Gets?


"...because you make me wanna be a better man."


You did. And someone very much like you inspired me to want to be a better man; however, the burden - work, effort, struggle - of being that better person lies with us and us alone.


Quote:
And here I am....broken.
That's a very lonely place to be, I know. It feels like there's nothing. Nothing. The time I was there, never so helpless. It was also the time I was never so amenable to change, receptive to game-changing ideas, breaking negative, defeatist habits (mostly of thought) and associations that would have been near impossible before. You're potentially as close to being able to be re-wired as you will ever be as an adult.


This phoenix can rise from the ashes.
Quote:
I will and am continuing to see a therapist. I just had her put me in weekly for the foreseeable future.
Now, that's the best thing you've said. Great beginning to better thing to come. See your therapist once a week, find a second and see them on alternate days and then find a third one and put them on a retainer - just to make sure the other two are doing their jobs.
Quote:
Still--I feel like I am turning my back on someone. Throwing him away. Letting him do this to himself....
Hits too close. Another confluence, maybe.


Quote:
THIS SUCKS.
Yes, it does!
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Old 09-02-2018, 06:12 PM #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DahveyJonez View Post
Wanted to respond sooner but you know life gets in the way of the forums and had to put this together a minute here, 5 there - style. Which always makes for a disjointed, ramble...


I see that ALOT. So much, in so many areas. I've seen one of my children, over the years, attempting to break free of the repetitive mania cycle. As soon as he looks like he is going to implement some of the many techniques he's been shown, he will stop and "but wait, before I do (game changer), first let me..." which we learned, of course is some sort of delaying tactic or a touching-one-last-time of the old, unhealthy-but-comfortable thing/lifestyle/thinking process/drug - whatever it is they are trying to change.
You get to the point, I'm sure you've experienced yourself, when someone you know is going to come off the wagon or a have a significant regression of some sort. Its when they have made progress, begun to see positive things as a result of implementing techniques or they've been attending their AA/NA meetings regularly, telling everyone excitedly how well they've been doing, starting to preach the message - I think you even mentioned your husband getting to this point - and right as they reach that moment ... its almost as if they've reached a true crossroads within themselves; there's a moment of suspended animation when they are between worlds and they are truly free ... free to make a choice. They reach back.


But it seems like there are setbacks from human weakness that are too powerful to overcome at that moment and require redoubled efforts - like an army being repelled again and again from taking some objective where the overall intent to win the war is there - but then there is a kind of, I dunno - picture someone struggling to help their friend scale a rocky precipice that they've gone over, struggling through tears, exhaustion, near-slips for what must seem like an eternity to get the victim to safety - and just as he's right at the point where he's made it, he looks up at his helper's dirt-stained but joyful face, and with a smirk, just lets go of their hand.


"What?? Was that for my benefit?!? You're so hateful that you consider yourself an expendable casualty just so you can deliver the ultimate ____ you!?!" The additive summation of all those relationship-sabotaging choices made over the years having that net effect, maybe.


Just enough; just a taste. Like sitting down for a mouthwatering meal and after a couple of succulent bites, the serveuse whisks your plate away, wagging her finger "No,no,no. Setting and enforcing boundaries - Protecting Myself.... That'll do."
Ja, those fleeting moments keep us hanging on, don't they? We live for them. I read something once...can't remember what it was about or pertained to...but the gist of it being that after a certain point in adulthood is reached, we will spend the rest of our lives trying to get back to that point where we thought we were at our best, when we were at our pinnacle.


Maybe some of us spend our lives trying desperately to recreate the moment when our SO was at their best.
Yeah, there could be some aspects ... I've heard my son's mum, for example, say "I'm so afraid for him, afraid for his future", and I've said and felt this myself (which is why I'm on this forum). The implication being his life will go on without us and its our job to make sure he's ready. When I've worried about my spouse or she's had fears for what would happen to me, its more 'I'm so scared for him/her and our future.


*I thought I could {inspire} him {to make} the life that no one else thought he could have.*

I can't say, maybe - but I can also see where the storms and realities of life can blur lines and boundaries and you can end up assuming roles that you never intended to. It just has a way of creeping up on us, bit by bit, until one day, you step back and "how did it come to this?!?"


Did you ever see the film, As Good As It Gets?


"...because you make me wanna be a better man."


You did. And someone very much like you inspired me to want to be a better man; however, the burden - work, effort, struggle - of being that better person lies with us and us alone.


That's a very lonely place to be, I know. It feels like there's nothing. Nothing. The time I was there, never so helpless. It was also the time I was never so amenable to change, receptive to game-changing ideas, breaking negative, defeatist habits (mostly of thought) and associations that would have been near impossible before. You're potentially as close to being able to be re-wired as you will ever be as an adult.


This phoenix can rise from the ashes.
Now, that's the best thing you've said. Great beginning to better thing to come. See your therapist once a week, find a second and see them on alternate days and then find a third one and put them on a retainer - just to make sure the other two are doing their jobs.
Hits too close. Another confluence, maybe.


Yes, it does!
"DahveyJonez" -- I truly appreciate your responses. You are an excellent reader and listener. There are no easy answers here. There are just choices. That is life though, isn't it? Choices, cross-roads...

Unfortunately, if I want change, it is on me. I have to step back, decide what I can and cannot live with. I have to choose my goals and determine my needs. It's amazing that I'm even recognizing that I even have needs. I don't know if it is because I recently turned 30 or if I have just officially hit my "limit" and realized that I cannot keep living this way.

Like anyone else, [in my relationship] I want to be loved, noticed, I want a relatively equal partnership (I understand that there is take and give there and most of the time it is not "equal" by textbook definition), I want someone to make some sacrifices on my behalf, I want the other person to do "little things" like....if he is stopping for dinner...asking if I want anything, planning little dates....even if it means just a walk in the park....I also want honesty...trust...and someone I can lean on....

I don't really think it's unreasonable...I'm not looking for a fairytale. I do pride myself on my independence, but I still want companionship!
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Heart Re: Setting and enforcing boundaries - Protecting Myself....

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Originally Posted by LuckyCupofTea View Post
I'll begin by saying that this is the most emotional pain that I have ever endured in my life. What is happening around me and within me right now feels like an endless hurricane.

My husband has schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. He has had around 8 hospitalizations in the past 2 years, lasting between one and 3 weeks at a time. I've been with him for 12 years and married for 2. During the relationship he has gone through countless jobs, lied to me all the time, gone on and off alcohol, on and off meds constantly. The lie that I told myself is that I had this all under control.

I thought that I was stronger than others. I researched the illness, took a class, read books, became an advocate, tried to fight stigma, went to therapy with him, researched meds, scheduled appointments, coordinated everything. Also--worked full time, paid all bills, coordinated everything adult, found jobs for my husband, counted out his pills, reminded him to take them, coordinated injections, called bosses over the years to try to "smooth things over", did all house chores unless I reminded him over and over again.

Before I go on--here are some positives about my husband--he loves his family, he embraces his inner child (that becomes a negative too), he is adventurous, I love traveling with him and seeing his reactions to things, his stories are invigorating, he is funny, he is handy/skilled, he loves animals.

I love my husband. I have also fallen into the codependent category. I have lost my sense of self in ways (while still maintaining a certain level of self-care...but not enough). Around every corner with my hope that he would eventually accept treatment completely, was immense disappointment when life would come crashing down again. Lost jobs, back to alcohol, disappearing in to the woods. His illness is awful. I can't imagine living with the voices everyday and the racing thoughts. But ultimately, I have to remind myself that he is an adult and has choices.

The past year has been especially hard....really the past 2 years. So many hospitalizations. Each time I think that maybe he has grasped it...that he will stay on his meds this time...then he "feels better" and secretly goes off of them while pretending to continue taking them. The best 2 months of our marriage were when he finally decided to quit smoking weed. Weed has always been a priority for him. It makes his illness worse. Those 2 months...might have been what has thrown me over the edge. I finally got to see a more stable version of him....someone who was attentive...who noticed me....then another hospitalization and he completely gave up on being clean. Even after getting relatively stable, it was no longer a priority. He was so excited about being clean. He would go around telling everyone. He called his parents every day to tell them what day he was on. He was proud.

That was....in February I think. It feels like a long long time ago. It was the only stretch of our 12 years that I have seen him sober for that long.
It is hard to explain my relationship with my husband. He has been the focus of my life for all of this time. I realize that that is my own doing. There are so many things that I should not have tolerated...there are boundaries that I never enforced. Our good times felt so good....and he is so much a part of my life and family....but always having to leave places early...catering to his illness all the time...the little things that people do for one another...don't happen to me. He isn't a cold hearted person but he doesn't go out of his way to do nice small things for me.

So--this has been vague. Long-winded...and doesn't give a very clear picture of what's been going on. Leading up to his last hospitalization in July, things were never quite that great. They weren't horrible, but we were seeing a couples counselor...he was willing to try some of the therapist's suggestions...until he wasn't. He started smoking more weed...started disappearing more option....He would come home and just sleep. I went away for the weekend at the beginning of August with friends. The trip had been planned for a long time. We decided it wasn't a good idea for Adam to go because he didn't like the people very much and crowds aren't his thing. When I got back from the trip, we were supposed to sit down and talk about what it felt like to be away from one another.

He refused to talk about it. In fact...for the past MONTH...I get home...he is either not there or just laying there. He won't answer me. He tells me to go away. I freaked out on him early on in the month. Spewed a bunch of horrendous things about him not contributing etc. etc. I got very angry. I went ballistic. He has done so many times over the years...and I finally lost my cool. That hurt him....and so he has been silent for nearly a month. The couples counselor paused counseling because he asked my husband if he had any effort left and my husband said "i don't know". My husband barely responded in the counseling sessions.

Everyday I go home and try to talk to him...and he says he's not talking to me. I finally asked him to move out. The counselor recommended we live separately anyway and I realize that the counselor isn't our end all be all but I am out of options. He comes home and is high. He just lays there. His paychecks are being completely spent. he hasn't given me any of his paycheck money since....April.

I'm a mess. The house is "ours". I paid for everything. We are married though so legally it is ours. He is supposedly going to be moving to this property at the farm where he works....it may or may not be a real thing. It's hard to determine what is a lie and what isn't.

I feel like I am abandoning a child. He is hurt....he is sick....but he isn't taking care of himself.
I can so relate to what you have said here. My H, and I have been maried for 25 years. He has smoked from the first day I met him. He came from a broken disfunctional family, but is very dominate. He won't get MH treatment for his issues. I see a T, and a P Doc for my issues, and do most of the things you have listed. So far the only boundary I have set, was a few months ago we were arguing about his mom staying with us, and she is a total narcasist, anyway he ended up putting a hole in our bed room door, and I called the cops on him. He has been good so far from that time, but he still don't do anything to help me in any way, unless it benifits him. I guess I just wanted you to know you are not alone, and if you wan't you can send me a friend request.
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