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Old 09-11-2018, 10:33 PM   #1
TML8277
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Default At My Wits End

Hi. I've been married to my husband for 2.5 years now. Around 6 months into our marriage he went into a severe depression. I didn't have a clue as to how to handle it. We had a new baby girl and I felt completely abandoned. Needless to say... I think I made it worse. I've tried to help pull him out, but it just isn't working. When I'm distant he panics and comes around, but when I try to reach out to him I feel that I sink in and he isn't reachable. Long story short... He self medicates, he knows he is ill and he absolutely refuses to seek any treatment and has made it clear that I better not seek treatment for him. I'm hoping I can find some guidance. I don't want to walk away. I don't want to give up. Sometimes I feel that's the only option for my sanity and the well being of my children... HELP!
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Old 09-12-2018, 03:02 PM   #2
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I recall replying to one of your previous posts. Really, at least from my perspective, your husband is the only person who can make the changes that need to be made. (Perhaps other members, here on PC, will have some suggestions.) From what you wrote, it sounds as though you've done pretty-much everything you can think of. Your husband self-medicates, he knows he's ill, he refuses to seek any kind of treatment, plus he's made clear you better not do it for him.

Granted it's just my personal opinion; but my opinion is it's time for you to do what you need to do to take care of yourself & your child. (Some individual mental health therapy services for yourself may be worthwhile.) I realize how difficult this may be for you. But having your daughter grow up with your husband living the way he's living is going to have a lasting impact on her as well. That's another factor that must be taken into account.

Chances are when I replied to your previous post I gave you links to a number of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of trying to help someone who doesn't want help. Here are links to 2 articles on the effects, on children, of living with a depressed parent:

Depressed Parents and the Effects on Their Children

Growing Up With A Depressed Parent | Narcissism Meets Normalcy

I wish you & your family well...
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Old 09-12-2018, 05:58 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
I recall replying to one of your previous posts. Really, at least from my perspective, your husband is the only person who can make the changes that need to be made. (Perhaps other members, here on PC, will have some suggestions.) From what you wrote, it sounds as though you've done pretty-much everything you can think of. Your husband self-medicates, he knows he's ill, he refuses to seek any kind of treatment, plus he's made clear you better not do it for him.

Granted it's just my personal opinion; but my opinion is it's time for you to do what you need to do to take care of yourself & your child. (Some individual mental health therapy services for yourself may be worthwhile.) I realize how difficult this may be for you. But having your daughter grow up with your husband living the way he's living is going to have a lasting impact on her as well. That's another factor that must be taken into account.

Chances are when I replied to your previous post I gave you links to a number of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of trying to help someone who doesn't want help. Here are links to 2 articles on the effects, on children, of living with a depressed parent:

I wish you & your family well...

Thank you! I agree with you. I feel torn between doing is what is right for us or doing what is right by him.
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Old 09-15-2020, 08:02 PM   #4
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Thanks for recommending my article, Growing Up With a Depressed Parent. I hope it's been helpful to everyone out there who, like me, tried to jolly along a parent who was always depressed (at least, during Winter!)

- Lenora
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Old 09-15-2020, 09:43 PM   #5
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Old 09-16-2020, 07:29 AM   #6
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Do you mind sharing what he self medicates with and how?
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Old 09-16-2020, 08:26 AM   #7
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I would also suggest looking into resources through the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). It's like an Al-Anon for mental health. It provides support and education to family and loved ones of those with mental illness. There are chapters all over, and there's a good chance there's a local support meeting that you could take part in. Sometimes it helps to speak with other families or people who have been in similar situations.

I would echo what was said. This is his problem to fix, not yours. However, it is your responsibility to protect yourself and take care of yourself. You don't want to be pulled down with him, and also don't want managing his depression and behavior to be your main purpose in life. Definitely get the support you need from others, whether that's friends, family, or professionals. Also there are books and podcasts out there, as well as other tips for how to encourage someone to seek care. You may eventually have to determine what your bottom line and boundaries are. Good luck!
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Old 11-28-2020, 01:15 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TML8277 View Post
Thank you! I agree with you. I feel torn between doing is what is right for us or doing what is right by him.
You've tried for 2.5 years and your husband clearly refuses to change and he knows how to hook you emotionally, when your instinct is to pull away in order to protect yourself and your new baby.

It seems like you are entangled in a codependent relationship with your husband. Have you ever heard of codependency before? If not, I would encourage you to read up on 'codependency.'

And I would encourage you to follow through on what your natural instinct is urging you to do: separate from your husband so that you can keep yourself and your new baby safe.

Maybe move in with friends or family and break your lease if you decide to leave permanently. Your job and your lifestyle will forever change if you continue to live with someone like your husband, who refuses to take the steps he needs to, to help himself.

Being around an addict who refuses to seek help, is a situation that will only get worse for you in practical ways. He'll stop working b/c he's too high or drunk, or he will lose his job b/c he shows up high or drunk.

Then, you will be forced to be the financially responsible one and you will end up working 2-3 jobs just to keep a roof over your head.

Meanwhile, your baby left alone with your addict husband, is at risk of being abused or worse. This scenario plays out in the news all the time. I realize that is the worst case scenario, but it is reality.

Last edited by Motts; 11-28-2020 at 01:39 AM..
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Old 11-28-2020, 09:58 AM   #9
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I agree that you would need to put yourself and your baby first. If he isn't able to work towards a more independent relationship, then he is sucking you into a co-dependent nightmare. This type of relationship is synonymous with an abusive relationship which rely's on cycles of violence. Literally, this type of relationship feeds on violence and neglect and is not a safe or nurturing environment for a baby.
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