[nj_hi]

This is physically true, at least. If you've read my past few threads I've started, you will be familiar with my situation.

The best thing about this is that it's not affecting me mentally at all. That is because I have to work everyday and work makes my mind a bit clear about things. The only social interaction that I'm getting is interacting with clients, otherwise I'm just living in a prison without having done anything bad.

To keep my mother quit has become the aim of my life, it seems.

But this has affected me in very bad ways physically. From the past 4 years or so, I smoke 4 packets of cigarettes daily, and I can't afford much good quality cigarettes too. My lungs feel as if they are going to break any time. I can't afford to go to a doctor. I can't tell my mother about this, because I've told her already, and he just waves everything off with a clay explanation of recent woodoo magic done on me.

But the fact is that I'm not able to do anything good to myself because she doesn't let me do anything. As an example, even if I'm brushing my teeth after getting up, she will start shouting, creating disturbances, fighting with neighbours, or even just confront me directly.

In my mind I know a set of rules that she has. If I live according to those, she is happy and does not shout much. If not, she'll almost kill me. This may sound absurd, but I endure her just because I don't want to send her to a mental hospital or psychiatric centre. Maybe you'll think I'm wrong, but I'm just bailing time to have enough money to send her to a good nursing home. But that time seems far away.

I think I'm going to die before I can do that. Someone please help me, tell me what to do.

[Raindropvampire]

If you die before you get her help what good will you have done? You have to take care of you first so that you are in shape to care for her. If she makes your life such hell why not put her in a mental hospital or centre? But think of it as only temporary until you can get her into a good nursing home.

[nj_hi]

I don't want to put her in a metal hospital because those place are worse than living hell here. She will only go 100% mad if she is just 50% at the present if I put her there. Moreover, I did talk to some officials once when she beat me up very bad. All they told me is that I need to handle the situation myself, because they're not going to do anything. They only know one thing and that is how to catch criminal, and since she is not a criminal, they can't help.

I appreciate that honesty. It's not their fault. I can't change the system, I can't change the way things are. All I can do i change myself and my mum's life.

But how?

[nj_hi]

And how do I prevent myself from getting more and more unhealthy every day? I can't sit five minutes without smoking a cigarette, because she constantly keeps putting tension and pressure in all her various ways and I can't deal with it when I'm clean, like, juts myself without any support. Cigarettes have become my mental support.

I've started to feel very weak. Breathing problems, chest pains, coughing, sneezing all day. I can't bear it.

[unaluna]

Yes, she regrets life. Does this mean you must also?

Why do you think she would be able to act normally to her carers in a nursing home? I think she would yell at them too.

Somehow the tables must be turned. I wish i had advice for you. I left my mother. She did not even act as loudly as yours, but i too felt my body could not take it anymore. It was her or me. If i had stayed, i would have died from stress. But it was easier for me to leave, as she did not take care of me when i was small, my father did.

[nj_hi]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Yes, she regrets life. Does this mean you must also?

Why do you think she would be able to act normally to her carers in a nursing home? I think she would yell at them too.

Somehow the tables must be turned. I wish i had advice for you. I left my mother. She did not even act as loudly as yours, but i too felt my body could not take it anymore. It was her or me. If i had stayed, i would have died from stress. But it was easier for me to leave, as she did not take care of me when i was small, my father did.

I think that she may be calmer in a nursing home because she will not have any reasons left to shout, after some time. But I may be completely wrong.

I can't even bear to think of leaving her. In my case, she has brought me up as a single parent. I've seen her working hard and spending her whole time in tension to bring me up. As much as I sometimes hate her for doing what she does to me, I get softened when I see her shouting senseless things, crying sometimes. I hate myself, I hate my life.

I had some hopes and aspirations of a good life when I was smaller. But not now. I've become something of a living dead person, who just finds enjoyment in work, sleep, food and just being with myself.

I can't bear to socialise. I want to, sometimes. But I have become dead inside, it seems. But not bad, in a good way I think. At least I'm functional and that's what matters I think.

She just had a fight with a neighbor downstairs. She had, by mistake (truthfully by mistake) let a bag of trash fall out of the balcony, and it ended up in the driveway below, and a lady from below started shouting to her. She shouted back, argued her way, got into a rage, then I came there and calmed the situation down. She went inside without me telling her to and kept quite.

But I got angry. I know one thing, and it is that that lady (the woman who shouted on my mother) would not have had the courage to shout at my mother if my mother was not behaving like she does every other day. Now, whenever I have to face that lady, I will have to hear out long rants about how my mother behaves, etc. And that's all my mother's fault. I pointed this out to my mother instantly. How can I save her if she is ****ing all things herself? I have no power on others if you're yourself wrong.

Then she started saying bad words to me. She started fighting with me. I put up a fight too, in the hope that she will understand what I'm saying. But NO she will NOT understand. She came up to me and slapped me in the face. I got angry, but I would not have slapped her back, but I know that if I allow her to hit me without me hitting her back, she will increase these things and start hitting me every day. The last time I endured her without hitting back, she started threatening me to hit me with a cricket bat.

So I can't let her hit me.

Possible trigger:

So I slapped her back in the face. Then we started fighting like mad, physically.

She threatens to break this laptop from which I'm typing this, the only device I have that connects to the internet. If I lose this laptop I don't have money to buy a new one.

The tension in which I'm living, I've become numb now. I just wish I was dead, death seems at least a state in which her shouts will not be able to disturb me at least.

[unaluna]

Well, she came in from the confrontation with the neighbor and was quiet. But from that point, it was you who got loud. Did yelling at her make things better? No, it made things worse.

You were anxious to point out it was truly an accident, but still you yelled at her. That doesnt make sense to me. There was no reason, if it was an accident, to yell at her. You were just taking out your anger on her - it is okay to be angry, but not to take it out on another person. You were acting like a mean husband. I dont think thats what you want to do, but that is probably the cultural example you see every day.

[nj_hi]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Well, she came in from the confrontation with the neighbor and was quiet. But from that point, it was you who got loud. Did yelling at her make things better? No, it made things worse.

You were anxious to point out it was truly an accident, but still you yelled at her. That doesnt make sense to me. There was no reason, if it was an accident, to yell at her. You were just taking out your anger on her - it is okay to be angry, but not to take it out on another person. You were acting like a mean husband. I dont think thats what you want to do, but that is probably the cultural example you see every day.

You see, I'm worried that if she continues this way, things will escalate one day and she will end up in jail or something. I don't want that to happen. I was trying to point her mistake out to her, that's all.

I was not yelling at the beginning, just saying with force about what she should not do. But she has a habit that she won't listen to anybody that points out her mistake. She won't EVER agree that she is wrong. She is ALWAYS RIGHT. And that's why she does not get better.

I do feel guilty sometimes after yelling at her, but I think I should not, because, SHE KEEPS YELLING AND CURSING AT ME WHENEVER SHE WANTS, FOR NO REASON. Why should I not do it when I have the right reasons to do? I am living with her 24x7 she does not let me go out. She does not even let me go to the gym. I hate my life. And she gets in fights with neighbours every other day. What should I do?

Ummm... cultural example that I see every day? I don't think so. I don't see anybody fighting in their houses except the two of us. This is not our basic culture. It does not even make sense. Why does she have to pick fights with the neighbours every other day?

I have not seen my father since I was 2-3 years old. My mother separated from him when I was that age and we never saw each other. So if you mean, by cultural example, that I have seen my father do it, then no, I've never seen my father behave that way with my mother, just because they've not been together for much long.

And why did she have to slap me in the face? Advance on my as if she was going to kick the hell out of me? What inspires such behaviour in her? I think I know why. Because she does not like hearing her mistake.

No one likes hearing their mistake all the time. But sometimes, you need to accept that you're wrong, otherwise you can't improve. And that's the point. She has been like this from my childhood just because she does not accept her mistakes.

[nj_hi]

It's 3 AM in the morning and I don't have any cigs. I am just waiting each minute so that it is 4 AM and I can get cigs. I can't believe that this has become the life I live. It's all because of that nonsensical piece of ****. She wouldn't let me be happy, do anything like exercise or just walking regularly, because she creates so much drama in the house that all I can do is sit quietly in a corner with my computer, just wishing she would stop.

Yes, if you're wondering, mostly I'm quiet. I get loud only when I lose my temper, and that happens about once a week.

[nj_hi]

unaluna I think you've hit the nail on the head with that "She regrets life".

But, does she really regret life? That must mean she really does not like being alive. Do you think so? I sometimes see her talking the way she does and see her eyes are empty without any happiness, hope or love. She is just hanging in there. And I can't bear to see her like this.

I get very sad when I see her almost lifeless. What should I do? What can I do? My whole childhood I've seen her sad and now she's empty too. It makes me feel wretched. It makes me think of this world we live in as a piece of ****. The society that we've built is worthless if it wasn't able to help innocent people like my mother be happy. I can't think of what I want to, or what I should, do.

[unaluna]

But see, you were reacting to OTHER THINGS, not just the trash in the driveway. Your reaction carried the weight of everything bad that had ever happened.

Trying to fix it in ONE conversation is like - a fat man trying to get thin by eating one piece of fruit one day, and expecting to be thin the next day. No - he would have to eat properly for a year in order to become thin.

So - in order for you and your mother to have a kind relationship between the two of you, every interaction would have to be kind.

I do not say she did right in throwing the trash. But she was quiet when you came in. Perhaps - probably she knew she did wrong and it would upset you.

But i would say - do not try to protect her from the neighbors. It is their affair with her. You cannot hide how she is from them. But you CAN be kind, regardless of how she is. They may be more inclined to help you if they see that you are ONLY kind to her, and never yell at her. Let HER be cruel, if she must. You do not have to be. It teaches her nothing. I wish i could explain it better.

I lived in relative harmony with my mother for three years when i was 50 years old and got fired from a good job. She laughed at me, mocked me, and treated me like a child. She even passed gas in my face. I dont get that your mother is cruel like this to you, but both our mothers believe(d) in evil eye which is hard to argue with, i know! And in modern america, it is even worse. I just held on until i could escape, but i admit i was a mess then. Hardly human.

[unaluna]

P.s. my mother too was ALWAYS RIGHT.

[nj_hi]

Originally Posted by unaluna

But see, you were reacting to OTHER THINGS, not just the trash in the driveway. Your reaction carried the weight of everything bad that had ever happened.

Trying to fix it in ONE conversation is like - a fat man trying to get thin by eating one piece of fruit one day, and expecting to be thin the next day. No - he would have to eat properly for a year in order to become thin.

So - in order for you and your mother to have a kind relationship between the two of you, every interaction would have to be kind.

I do not say she did right in throwing the trash. But she was quiet when you came in. Perhaps - probably she knew she did wrong and it would upset you.

But i would say - do not try to protect her from the neighbors. It is their affair with her. You cannot hide how she is from them. But you CAN be kind, regardless of how she is. They may be more inclined to help you if they see that you are ONLY kind to her, and never yell at her. Let HER be cruel, if she must. You do not have to be. It teaches her nothing. I wish i could explain it better.

I lived in relative harmony with my mother for three years when i was 50 years old and got fired from a good job. She laughed at me, mocked me, and treated me like a child. She even passed gas in my face. I dont get that your mother is cruel like this to you, but both our mothers believe(d) in evil eye which is hard to argue with, i know! And in modern america, it is even worse. I just held on until i could escape, but i admit i was a mess then. Hardly human.

You're so right. I will have to be patient enough. I think I mess things up myself, sometimes.

As to the neighbours, yes they do help me. They are good and understanding. They know the time I'm going through. I had made good friendships here in the neighbourhood, but my mother had started shouting curse words to my friend's mother and sister, so bad things she said to them that it become unbearable for me and them. Finally her sister's boyfriend confronted me one day and said bad words to me. He threatened me to close all the doors and windows of my house so my mother can't have to go anywhere. After that day, I never talked to my friend. Because I knew they had also gone out of their limits. I mean, they don't have the right to tell me what to do in my house. I told him this to his face. These people regularly make fun of my mother. They try to appear understanding to me but I can see through them now: They enjoy seeing my mother like she is. They are not good people.

But at least they stop when I intervene. Once these people were shouting about water usage and whatnot and my mother was just cleaning the house. I went downstairs and told them off for making a scene out of no reason. They stopped abruptly at least then.

There is one person who seems very understanding. But after seeing the reality of these people, I am unable to have faith in any people or friend.

Your mother made fun of you in your face when you left a good job. My mother does this kind of behaviour almost daily. She has no appreciation of the hard work I put in to my work, and that's nothing, compared to what she says sometimes. She calls me a ***** so loudly that the whole colony listens. She shouts at me to desert the house because its not my house, etc. She aggravates me a lot sometimes. But recently I've got a better hold on myself.

Although I'm starting to feel just like you said, less human. I don't feel good or bad much. I don't have a good day anymore. I don't like eating food, only eat it when I'm hungry enough. I don't even like anything. I'm slowly becoming senseless.

I'm very sorry to hear that this has happened with you as well, I can just offer you my hugs https://pcforums-liviant.netdna-ssl....milies/hug.gif and the only thought that keeps me going: I haven't done anything wrong, either morally or any other way. On the other hand, I'm strong on the inside just because I know that I have done the right thing every second of my life, or at least tried my best to. It's just the love of my own work that keeps me going.

[nj_hi]

When I had got a regular job, I used to face hell every Saturday & Sunday at home. When I had to leave a job and apply for a new one, she used to call me while I was in the interview and start yelling things to me (that's the way I learnt to keep my phone silent when in interviews hahah).

She never used to do anything while I was on my job during the day. When I got back, it was the same gloomy as hell atmosphere with she hanging like a corpse in it. I always tried to cheer her up. She would not have made any food, so I went to the hotels and got good food for us to eat. She would sometimes eat heartily but sometimes eat not after it had went cold. After eating, she would be back to normal for a bit, and then, after a couple of hours, back to her old behaviour of mentally harassing me with false stories and whatnot.

[nj_hi]

Originally Posted by unaluna

P.s. my mother too was ALWAYS RIGHT.

I have my sympathies to you here. I know how hard it is to love with a person who thinks that they are always right.

But how did it end? Or has it ended or not? Has she gotten better in your case, or have you completely separated from her?

[unaluna]

I left. And after about 8 years, she died. During those 8 years, i gradually had less and less contact with her. She died about 3 years ago. But i am much older than you, i am 66. Still, she grieved me all my life. I had some little peace near the end, but only when she died did i realize how afraid i had been of her. There was so much bad feeling there.

I wonder if she would go to a psychiatrist "for you". My mother went one time because she believed i was saying all the wrong things (of course!), and she wanted to tell him the right things. It did help me see things more clearly, and set me more strongly in my path.

My parents were from the old country, so they would often say that something is just your fate. Americans dont usually follow that. If they can change things, they try to. But the usual saying is that you cannot change what the other person does, you can only change what you yourself do. First you change your own behavior - then sometimes the other person will react to your leadership. But as you describe her, she is no longer the leader of this family. Only how to make her understand this? Even if you got a wife, she would make your wife miserable also, being so bossy and unreasonable. Can a priest talk to her?

[nj_hi]

I am scared to leave because 1. She does not have any money. 2. Even if I regularly give her enough money she won't be able to manage herself properly. 3. She will start going more and more mad - at least she stays in a bit control when she sees me as an activity in the house. She would surely end up in a jail or mental hospital if I left her alone, at least that's what I think.

Was your mother able to manage her life alone after you left, to some extent at least? It must have been painful for you to leave her, I'm sorry for you. Problem is that I know that she is not doing this intentionally to me. she is the best mother in the world for me, but she is tired of her own life. She has no friends, no one to talk to, no work to do. She becomes highly restless having nothing to do.

I'm like that - I will change something for good if I think that can be changed and if I have the power to do it. I know that I can only change myself, and I feel that I am changing myself as much as I can for her. Yes I am scared to even fall in love with someone, because I know I won't be able to marry because my mother will make her life a living hell too.

In India, mostly the priests are money hungry hoaxes themselves. They will just suggest you to do a few rituals for some amount of money, and nothing happens after it too. We've tried it all.

[unaluna]

Yes, my mother managed. She was always happier outside the house than inside. I did not make her happy. She was ashamed of me because i am fat, i am divorced, and i do not have any children. Yet, she too expected to "come along" if i did get married again, and that more than anything probably hindered my remarrying.

I am beginning to agree with you. A nursing home, although she is probably not even that old? But she needs care, as she cannot initiate taking care of herself. Like taking care of the home. But how to explain that to her, in a way she understands?

[nj_hi]

I suspect sometimes that she doesn't want me to ever get married because that would make her feel all the more lonely.

I have just one question with myself. And that is, has my mother been like this from her childhood? At least her parents (my grandparents) tell me so. But, from my childhood, I've been seeing for real that how unhumanely her parents behaved with her. I think that's the reason why she is like that.

And that's why I would feel bad to leave her. She worked tirelessly, when I was a small child, to provide for my education because no other would help. She put me in one of the best and costliest schools in my city so that I get a good education, just so that I don't get a childhood that she got. I can't leave her like that. I want her to get better. Sometimes my efforts seem to work. But mostly I myself become confused, distracted and depressed to do anything.

Once we talked about her going and living to a place like a nursing home. But we weren't clear about where she would go. That was the problem then, and that's the problem now. It is very difficult, at least in India, for a woman to survive alone.

Currently she is getting VERY angry and frustrated with her life. I am scared at what will happen. She just sits there and does nothing all day. It's been like that from years. She only gets up to make food grudgingly. She does not involve herself in any hobby or work. She can't concentrate on any good thing for more than 2 minutes. Just sits there and curses all people we've met till now.

I have become hopeless. I can't concentrate on my work. I can't get myself to work. I just want to escape.

[unaluna]

So she liked to work and be useful once. She probably would again, but at a slower pace. And not feeling obligated to do so. I know i am very lazy in my old age! Do you take walks together? I am wondering, how can she make a friend?