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Hastings101
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Default Oct 15, 2018 at 01:53 PM
  #1
Hello. I'm new here, looking for a little advice and support for a situation with my spouse.

My husband and I have been married a little over two years and he's a wonderful man, but about three months ago, he started what I see now was a spiral downwards. He's struggled some with depression and anxiety and in anger management. He's tried counseling (which he grew frustrated with) and he's seen several psychiatrists and been on a variety of medications. They finally found one that worked, but it caused him to gain 10 pounds, which is a BIG trigger for him. It's sent him into a real depression. He's also got a lot of other stress at the moment.

The last three weeks or so have been awful. Arguments are an almost nightly occurrence. He's broken several items (and our oven door). He's never physically hurt me and I don't believe he would but it still scares me. He also seems delusional. Much of his focus is on my family. He's convinced I love them more than I do him and that my loyalty is to them. He's convinced they don't like him (not true). He also has recently started insisting that I was molested or abused as a child and blocked it out -- something I would never believe. He's preoccupied that he has to "win" against my sister and her husband. They're not even aware there's any problem. He comes across as completely irrational when he gets like this, which makes it hard for me to talk to him. And he gets frustrated easily -- expects people to read his mind. He jumps around all over the place in conversation and then speaks vaguely and if you don't pick up on exactly what he's saying, he loses it. Says no one "gets" him.

All this is causing major stress in our lives and relationship. I love him but I'm at a loss for how to help him. I'm trying to get him in with another psychiatrist. Also setting him up with a dietician to help him get the weight off. I'm doing everything I can think of. Yet I feel like we're building to a crisis and I'm at a loss.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?
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Smile Oct 16, 2018 at 12:27 PM
  #2
Hello Hastings: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral. One forum in particular (& one where you might consider posting again with regard to your concern) would be the relationships & communication forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...communication/

And then here are links to a selection of 13 articles on several topics, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may be of some help in figuring out how to proceed... the first 2 by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D:

You Can Only Change Yourself

Denial is a Powerful Impediment to Treatment

https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-way...-denial/?all=1

How to Persuade Your Loved One to Seek Professional Help

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/psychotic-depression/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipol...in-depression/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...hout-fighting/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...-to-delusions/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...nes-delusions/

There is also a book (& a YouTube video of a talk by the book's author) I like to suggest in situations such as you describe. The book is titled I'm Not Sick, I Don't Need Help. Here are links first to a review of the book & then to the YouTube video:

http://www.asmfmh.org/resources/publ...ont-need-help/

https://youtu.be/NXxytf6kfPM

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
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Hastings101
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Default Oct 17, 2018 at 12:05 PM
  #3
Thank you very much. The last couple of days have been better and we're going to see a new psychiatrist today. He's also talking about going through anger management counseling, which I think could be beneficial.

I just wish we could really figure out what the problem is and how to treat it. The Abilify he was on really worked well at controlling his tendency towards obsessive, negative thoughts, but the weight gain it caused sent him on a HUGE downward spiral. If we could get that back under control, maybe that will make a difference.
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Default Oct 18, 2018 at 08:51 AM
  #4
Well, things seemed better and then right back down again. My husband has never really been too fond of my family. That's OK. I get it. I don't feel like they have to be buddies.

The thing is, my husband sees everything as a competition. There are always sides. I (and my family) don't see it that way at all -- not in relationships.

Lately, my husband has dealt with a LOT of stress. And a lot of it is centered around the medical community. He's seen multiple psychiatrists over the years and finally found one he liked who seemed helpful. Then that doctor prescribed a medication that caused weight gain (which he'd clearly said was a BIG no-no for him). Then the doctor left the clinic and became virtually unresponsive. Things were looking up when I got him an appointment with another doctor at the old clinic. Then, yesterday, the doctor he was scheduled with got sick and they can't get my husband in until a month later. Meantime, he has run out of his meds. The clinic won't call in a refill until he's seen the doctor. So, round-and-round.

It really soured my husband even more on the medical community. Problem is, I have doctors in my family. No psychiatrists, though. None of them would call in a prescription for him because they're not well-versed enough in those types of medicines and were fearful of causing more harm. They did offer other help, though, through advice and trying to use any contacts they could think of.

That wasn't enough. My husband insisted that meant they didn't care, were only out for money and didn't want to help him because he's in last place among the relatives.

None of that is true. But all this has just dredged up all kinds of problems that have been ongoing: his feelings that my family puts him and his son (my stepson) last. That he doesn't matter. That I always side with my family over him. The last is not true. I am on his side. But he gets very irrational and cruel and plays mind games. If people don't read his mind and do what he thinks they should do (without him saying it), then they fail. If they are given a heads-up and try to help the way he wants, they're being fake. Unless I completely cut my family off, I'm on their side. My parents prefer my sisters to me. My father, grandfather, uncle, someone must have molested me and brainwashed me because there's no other way I'd be so attached to my family.

None of that is true. But I can't convince him otherwise. And I can't feed into his delusions by agreeing with something I know is wrong. When he gets like that, he's really out of control. He's broken things in our house. He's told me he wants a divorce (then backtracks). He's told me he hates my family. He hates me. He feels like hitting me (I truly don't believe he would). He loses control.

I try to stay calm and get him into a better place but I don't know what to do. And I really don't know what to do with the family thing. I'm not cutting them off. They've made some mistakes and there have been some miscommunications, but they do care about us.

I wish he would agree to couples therapy or something like that but he won't. He's convinced talk therapy doesn't work for him -- he's tried it before -- and that they just keep you hooked so they can get more money. He's open to other help, like anger management therapy and he's open to psychiatrists and medicines. He's just having VERY bad luck right now.

I'm getting close to the end of my rope with all this.
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Default Oct 18, 2018 at 05:26 PM
  #5
I am sorry for all that you are going through. You mentioned that you have a step son. How old is he and how is he doing through all of this. It can be hard on children. I can relate to some of the things that you have said. My husband and I have been married for over 25 years. We have 2 small children and 2 older children. Our oldest child knows of my situation and tries to be here for me, but that’s really all I have. He like your husband feels like I take everyone else’s side... even our children. He’s jealous of our children. I hope that you can find someone to turn to for support. My support is this site because I can’t keep turning to my oldest child... I don’t want to ruin their mind against him anymore than it already is. It is good that your husband is willing to see a psychiatrist. I wish you the best
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Default Oct 18, 2018 at 06:56 PM
  #6
Question....when did the anger issues start? Sometimes psych meds can cause this..ie for example if someone with bipolar gets an antidepressant...it can actually trigger mania.

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Default Oct 19, 2018 at 12:47 PM
  #7
Hi Hastings101,
I am sorry you are going through this. You describe the situation eloquently but my guess is living through all of it is one hundred times harder than words can describe. Whilst it all doesn‘t make sense and you are trying to figure out what is going on and why your husband is spiralling out of control, some days and situations more some less....Here are some things I see in your description, and I really mean no harm by saying that, so if it isn‘t helpful consider it just a reflection by a fellow Psych Central member: freaking out over a sick doctor and over medical members of your family observing their professional ethics by not subscribing p-meds isn‘t cool and from what you say you recognize that. You need to not only not feed into that (as you say) but distance yourself from the violent behavior he displays by breaking things. It isn‘t safe for you and probably also not for your stepson. You probably want the best for him by trying to get him meds and therapy but by tolerating that kind of over-the-top behavior you are actually „normalizing“ it. Believe me I know how hard it is to shut him out when you just want to help. But please also believe me that by not recalibrating your standards for what is acceptable i.e healthy behavior around you and your family you are helping him realize that it won‘t be the meds and the p-docs who fix his mental issues but first and foremost he himself.

After 15 years of living with a PD partner myself I often feel I no longer know what a „normal“ reaction to anything is but I have learnt to know what I can‘t tolerate for my own good and sanity. And I have also learnt that nothing, and I mean NOTHING I do matters unless my partner wants his life and our relationship to improve. The first step, and in our case by far the hardest, was for him to recognize that he has to want help
(medication, therapy, accept his diagnosis) and work hard on himself. In hindsight, I know that without that, despite all my love for him, my best intentions, the therapies I had, the dozens of books I read, the forums and help groups I am in, the couple‘s therapy we had ... our relationship would have ended in disaster.

None of this might apply to you and your husband...so please don‘t misunderstand my post to be patronizing. Just a perspective. I truly wish for you and your stepson that your situation gets better and soon!
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Default Oct 20, 2018 at 09:15 PM
  #8
Hi, Hastings101, and welcome to Psych Central! Have you considered going into counseling as one half of a couple? Then you can get insight and support.
By the way, how old is your husband?
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Default Oct 24, 2018 at 10:44 AM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emotionlessinohio View Post
I am sorry for all that you are going through. You mentioned that you have a step son. How old is he and how is he doing through all of this. It can be hard on children. I can relate to some of the things that you have said. My husband and I have been married for over 25 years. We have 2 small children and 2 older children. Our oldest child knows of my situation and tries to be here for me, but that’s really all I have. He like your husband feels like I take everyone else’s side... even our children. He’s jealous of our children. I hope that you can find someone to turn to for support. My support is this site because I can’t keep turning to my oldest child... I don’t want to ruin their mind against him anymore than it already is. It is good that your husband is willing to see a psychiatrist. I wish you the best
Thank you. My stepson is almost 8 and it doesn't seem to be getting to him. Much of the arguing happens when he's not with us or when he's in bed. But I know he's aware of problems and that breaks my heart.

I do have a friend I might be able to go to. I used to see a therapist myself for some other issues (like some obsessive-compulsive tendencies that are now under control) but stopped over a year ago. I can't talk to my family because they're part of the problem and I don't want to turn them against him. I've said too much to them already, I fear.

Yes, I'm glad he's willing to see someone. The problem is, he still doesn't trust them and we keep running into ethical and scheduling conflicts. He's convinced my family should be willing to help him and no amount of explaining gets him to understand that, yes, they care. They're just limited in what they can (safely) do.
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Default Oct 24, 2018 at 10:46 AM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic View Post
Question....when did the anger issues start? Sometimes psych meds can cause this..ie for example if someone with bipolar gets an antidepressant...it can actually trigger mania.
The anger issues have always been there -- his whole life, apparently. But it's gotten much worse since the weight gain started and he got off the Ability (which was helping but also caused the weight gain). He can NOT handle feeling "fat." He isn't, but he's been overweight before and has a pathological fear of being that way again.
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Default Oct 24, 2018 at 10:47 AM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by Travelinglady View Post
Hi, Hastings101, and welcome to Psych Central! Have you considered going into counseling as one half of a couple? Then you can get insight and support.
By the way, how old is your husband?
Thank you. I have considered it and he's told me before that he would be very upset if I did. He feels like I would be wasting time and money and airing our problems to some stranger. He also thinks therapists rope you in and keep you "on the hook" so you keep going back to them for years and they can make more money from you. I've found therapy helpful in the past but, again, he thinks I was being duped.

He's 44.
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Default Oct 24, 2018 at 10:51 AM
  #12
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Originally Posted by comethisfar View Post
Hi Hastings101,
I am sorry you are going through this. You describe the situation eloquently but my guess is living through all of it is one hundred times harder than words can describe. Whilst it all doesn‘t make sense and you are trying to figure out what is going on and why your husband is spiralling out of control, some days and situations more some less....Here are some things I see in your description, and I really mean no harm by saying that, so if it isn‘t helpful consider it just a reflection by a fellow Psych Central member: freaking out over a sick doctor and over medical members of your family observing their professional ethics by not subscribing p-meds isn‘t cool and from what you say you recognize that. You need to not only not feed into that (as you say) but distance yourself from the violent behavior he displays by breaking things. It isn‘t safe for you and probably also not for your stepson. You probably want the best for him by trying to get him meds and therapy but by tolerating that kind of over-the-top behavior you are actually „normalizing“ it. Believe me I know how hard it is to shut him out when you just want to help. But please also believe me that by not recalibrating your standards for what is acceptable i.e healthy behavior around you and your family you are helping him realize that it won‘t be the meds and the p-docs who fix his mental issues but first and foremost he himself.

After 15 years of living with a PD partner myself I often feel I no longer know what a „normal“ reaction to anything is but I have learnt to know what I can‘t tolerate for my own good and sanity. And I have also learnt that nothing, and I mean NOTHING I do matters unless my partner wants his life and our relationship to improve. The first step, and in our case by far the hardest, was for him to recognize that he has to want help
(medication, therapy, accept his diagnosis) and work hard on himself. In hindsight, I know that without that, despite all my love for him, my best intentions, the therapies I had, the dozens of books I read, the forums and help groups I am in, the couple‘s therapy we had ... our relationship would have ended in disaster.

None of this might apply to you and your husband...so please don‘t misunderstand my post to be patronizing. Just a perspective. I truly wish for you and your stepson that your situation gets better and soon!
That is all very helpful and I thank you for it. I agree. It is hard to live with. Almost impossible at this point. I'm in constant fear that he'll take another bad turn and we'll end up in an hours-long discussion.

I'm a rational, practical person and I don't really know how to deal with irrational behavior. He can't see it but I can. Some of what he's saying and feeling is, I feel, legitimate and makes sense. But some of it is like he's spiraling. He's trapped in negative thoughts and feelings and can't get out or let things go. And he can't (or won't) accept that he might be wrong or mistaken.

I'm well-aware at this point that it's not normal behavior and that's why I won't give in to him on the medical question and expecting relatives to do things they consider unethical and even dangerous. Unfortunately, that just feeds his anger and sense of betrayal. He feels like he needs me to take his side and for people to side with him just once. Or that's what he says. But I know from experience and from the way he acts that there's really nothing anyone can do that will satisfy him. It's like he's testing everyone and determined that they're all going to fail. Then he can be righteously angry.

Thing is, he admits that he's wrong on some of it and he knows he is. But he can't help it.

I'm hopeful that this new psychiatrist will be able to help and that he will remain open to anger management/couples therapy.

In the meantime, I've made arrangements with a friend to have a safe haven if I need it (he doesn't know where this friend lives). But I hate to abandon him. I very much fear that if I did that, my marriage would be over. And, since I love him, I don't want that. And I don't want him to have what he would see as proof that I don't care about him and always side with my family.

I really appreciate everyone's help and advice. This is a very difficult time and it's a relief to vent to people who understand.
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Default Oct 28, 2018 at 04:15 PM
  #13
Hastings101, yes you are a rational person and you also have deep feelings for your husband. I understand and I hear you. What you wrote in your response could have come straight from my heart, it‘s like a page out of my life at times. The one thing that sometimes averts these terrible anger attacks and lashing out at everyone, blaming everyone else is just to listen and acknowledge that my partner is hurting and - as you say - can‘t help it. I just wish it weren‘t so hard to balance that with withstanding the emotional attacks. I wish you the very best, stay strong and don‘t compromise on the treatment he has to go get for your lives to improve. Sending you the very very best!
A resource that might help you is the book by R. Kreger „Stop Walking on Eggshells“ - some of the behavior you describe is reflected on in the book with some insights I found helpful.
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Default Oct 29, 2018 at 11:01 AM
  #14
Thank you, comethisfar. I'll definitely look into that book.

Psychiatrists my husband has seen have said he has depression/anxiety. But when I read about BPD, I see some similarities to him, at least recently. Before, he could be moody, sure, but nothing too bad. It's in the last three-four months that things have been more difficult, particularly the last six weeks or so. I don't know if BPD can wax and wane a bit or if it stays the same all the time.

A lot of his trouble is linked to his weight. He's been overweight before (before I met him) and he lost and kept off over 50 pounds. His mother was very critical of him during his overweight period and has always been vocal about weight issues. (Fat people are lazy and prone to all kinds of health problems, etc.) So, any tick up in the scale sends his mood crashing. He'll decide not to eat all day, which makes him feel even more awful and irritable and makes him lash out more. I'm underweight, which doesn't really help our relationship. But the deciding to not eat may qualify as self-harm, in a way.

My sister was anorexic when we were teens and a lot of his behavior reminds me of hers. But, at the same time, there are other symptoms that predate his weight problems. He's always had anger management issues, according to him.

It's at a point now where I'm afraid every day which husband I'll have (or that he'll change partway through). I live in fear that the word "family" will come up or something having to do with my family will appear and he'll lash out. Or that he'll go on his anti-doctor kick. I can't agree with him. Yes, there are bad doctors. But, no, they're not all only out for money. Not all of them are uncaring. Yet if I don't agree with him and feed into his feelings, then I'm against him and don't really love him.

I plan to pick up that book this afternoon. Here's hoping. Thank you for your support and advice!

Last edited by Hastings101; Oct 29, 2018 at 11:52 AM..
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