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Old 10-28-2018, 12:49 AM #1
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Default Desperate for help

Hello, this is my first time on the board and I am desperate for a friend and advice. Here’s my story. I’ve been married 22 years to my husband. Most of it has been a hardship, especially over the past 10 years. I was young and stupid when we married and didn’t see how selfish a person my husband was. Over the years, he moved from one job to another, always leaving or getting fired because he could not get along with people. He did what he wanted instead of putting the needs of our son and I first. He destroyed so many relationships with friends because he was demanding, wanted his way all the time and was mean. Eventually, people had enough of his behavior. Three years ago his behavior got so bad that he had got into significant legal trouble. Over the years, my resentment of him and the harm his actions have caused myself and my son (now 15) have grown to the point in which I want nothing to do with him. I filed for divorce three years ago, then foolishly dismissed it because he didn’t have a dime to his name and knew he would end up homeless, and I did not want my son to have to watch that happen. He has pretty much been depressed since that time and not worked. He has undergone extensive treatments for anxiety, depression, OCD, etc. He has been involuntary committed for 48 hours twice, been through depression day programs twice and is now on his second week at a day program for OCD. Even though he goes to the OCD program during the week, each weekend he lays on the couch and does not shower. He sometimes goes a week without showering. My son can no longer have friends over because of this. Even though we have decent health care insurance through my employer, most of his therapy is not covered. Today, I received another bill of $2,000 in the mail and it threw me over the edge. I am living paycheck to paycheck and don’t know what to do. And, he doesn’t have a care in the world about paying bills, so the worry all falls on me. One of the most upsetting things is that he is on Valium only and I have voiced my opinion to countless therapists and left messages with his psychiatrists that he is not properly medicated. His last doctor put him on Paxil which I knew would be a disaster because it puts him into a manic state. After two months, his doctor stopped that medication. It’s extremely frustrating because he doesn’t want the doctors to consult with me because IMO he has a borderline personality disorder and some form of bipolar depression, and he does not want me to say that to his doctors. I have no family to lean on and I alienated my friends because I felt so depressed and ashamed and just didn’t want to talk about any of this. The only person that could offer help is my husband’s mother, but she is an extremely selfish person who is too busy getting manicures, her hair done and going out dancing with her friends to help her family. I am desperate for help and any advice would help.
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Old 10-28-2018, 04:40 PM #2
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Default Desperate for help

Hi wrestlingmom, I am glad you found this forum and hope you get lots of support here! 22 years... I don‘t think anyone can tell you anything you haven‘t seen, heard or lived through. All I can tell you are the three Cs: you didn‘t cause it, you can‘t cure it and you can‘t control it. But you can focus on you and take care of yourself! That will also be a good example to your boy I think. I wish you strength and resilience to do what you have to do to stay whole!
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Old 11-02-2018, 01:50 AM #3
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Default Re: Desperate for help

Hello, wrestllngmom, and welcome to Psych Central! Are you wanting to know if we think you should leave him?
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Old 11-03-2018, 02:33 PM #4
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Default Re: Desperate for help

Quote:
Originally Posted by Travelinglady View Post
Hello, wrestllngmom, and welcome to Psych Central! Are you wanting to know if we think you should leave him?

Hi Travelinglady,


I will take any advice that anyone is willing to give .



I desperately want to separate myself from him but its difficult. I cant imagine how my husband would support himself since he doesn't have a dime to his name and I am positive no one will take him in. His mother is not even willing to have him stay with her even for a few days to give me a break. I truly believe he would be homeless which would be a terrible hardship for my son to endure.
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Old 11-03-2018, 10:09 PM #5
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Default Re: Desperate for help

Hard truth? You cannot help someone who doesn't want it, or isn't willing to follow through. His well being and happiness is nobody's cross to bear but his own. The fact that you've allowed him to waste your time, your energy, and your efforts for 22 YEARS is, I'll be blunt - Horrifying. Yeah, love makes us endure all sorts of hardships - and I'm positive you guys have had some good times spattered in there as well; which is likely why you're still together... and it might be hard on your son; but life can be hard, and unfair, and cruel - and just about everyone learns that lesson at some point in their life; and for those that don't... the end result usually isn't good. Better to learn it when they're young, so when they're older they'll be less likely to manipulated for 22 years like you have.
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“If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground. They want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the awful roar of its many waters. This struggle may be a moral one; or it may be a physical one; or it may be both moral and physical; but it must be a struggle. Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will.” -Frederick Douglass
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Old 11-03-2018, 10:19 PM #6
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Default Re: Desperate for help

Quote:
Originally Posted by WinterWolf View Post
Hard truth? You cannot help someone who doesn't want it, or isn't willing to follow through. His well being and happiness is nobody's cross to bear but his own. The fact that you've allowed him to waste your time, your energy, and your efforts for 22 YEARS is, I'll be blunt - Horrifying. Yeah, love makes us endure all sorts of hardships - and I'm positive you guys have had some good times spattered in there as well; which is likely why you're still together... and it might be hard on your son; but life can be hard, and unfair, and cruel - and just about everyone learns that lesson at some point in their life. Better to learn it when they're young, so when they're older they'll be less likely to manipulated for 22 years like you have.

WinterWolf - Thank you for your honesty. It's exactly what I need to hear. I've been mentally manipulated by this man for so long that its hard to see the truth. Thank you again.
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Old 11-03-2018, 10:32 PM #7
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Default Re: Desperate for help

Quote:
Originally Posted by wrestlingmom View Post
WinterWolf - Thank you for your honesty. It's exactly what I need to hear. I've been mentally manipulated by this man for so long that its hard to see the truth. Thank you again.
The lesson in taught by this point in human history is simply this, that the man who will get up will be helped up; and the man who does not get up will be allowed to stay down.

You can either stand up, and you will be helped up - or you can stay down with him, and you will be allowed to stay down. Your choice.
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“If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground. They want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the awful roar of its many waters. This struggle may be a moral one; or it may be a physical one; or it may be both moral and physical; but it must be a struggle. Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will.” -Frederick Douglass
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