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Default Jan 29, 2019 at 02:55 PM
  #1
My wife appears to have lost any interest in going out or doing things that she can't do in bed on her smartphone/Kindle. She spends so much time in bed that I'm beginning to worry about bed sores. How can I tell if she is depressed or needs professional help. She never goes or is willing to go to the doctor for anything short of life-or-death situations. I don't think I could persuade her to get therapy, but it is having a big impact on my life satisfaction.
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Default Jan 29, 2019 at 03:12 PM
  #2
I'm so sorry you're struggling, pythocles From what you wrote, I agree that she may be suffering from depression. The only way to know for sure is to go to a doctor and get a proper diagnosis. I'd suggest to have a serious talk to your wife about this and try to convince her to talk to a doctor and see how it goes from there. Make her understand how this is important, both for you and for her. I'm so sorry, I know how hard it is when a person we love is suffering from depression. Please don't give up. I wish the best of luck to you and your wife. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
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Default Jan 29, 2019 at 03:58 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by pythocles View Post
My wife appears to have lost any interest in going out or doing things that she can't do in bed on her smartphone/Kindle. She spends so much time in bed that I'm beginning to worry about bed sores. How can I tell if she is depressed or needs professional help. She never goes or is willing to go to the doctor for anything short of life-or-death situations. I don't think I could persuade her to get therapy, but it is having a big impact on my life satisfaction.
Hello Pythocles. Thank you for sharing. I am sorry you and your wife are struggling. Would you be willing to fill in more info? When did this start? Was there a trigger? Such as a loss of job, loss of a friendship, illness, money worries, child moving away from home, new meds or discontinued meds, any painful or stressful life event? Does your wife work?

With regard to bed sores...re-positioning is really important. Does your wife continually move in bed...from one side to another etc? How often is she getting up? I assume she gets up to go to the bathroom, right? She's not living with chronic pain or a physical disability? Is your wife bathing, brushing her hair/teeth, changing her clothes? Getting chores done? Eating and drinking at regular intervals?

She may indeed be living with anhedonia...a symptom of depression. Though as MickeyCheeky pointed out, we cannot diagnose your wife. She needs to talk with a doctor. And as you pointed out, she needs to want to do that herself. There are some other options which may help. There are online doctors and phone lines your wife could contact from her bed. If she doesn't feel like getting up and going to a doctor's office.

have you tried talking with your wife about this yet? Try coming from a place of gentle care and concern. Something like: "Babe, I would like us to have a chat...can we check-in with each other? I noticed that you are spending more time in bed lately. You don't seem to be doing the things you used to love. I am worried about this change. And I want to help. Can you help me understand? please share from your point of view. I love you. You are my best friend in life and I want my best friend to be happy and well. I'm worried that my best friend is struggling and I'm not sure how to help."


Peace and healing energy to you and your wife
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Default Jan 29, 2019 at 04:04 PM
  #4
Here's some Mayo Clinic info on pressure ulcers/bedsores:

Bedsores (pressure ulcers) - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic
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Smile Jan 29, 2019 at 05:13 PM
  #5
You may have noticed I replied to your post in the new members introductions forum a few minutes ago. Perhaps what you posted about in that thread is related to the concerns you've posted about in this one? (Just a thought…)

From my perspective, the bottom line here is that you can't force your wife to do something she doesn't want to do. (At least I never have any luck with that.) Yes she may well be struggling with depression. I don't know as there is any particular way for you to "tell" if she's depressed & needs professional help beyond having observed that she's spending all of her time in bed with her phone & Kindle. Beyond that, it would be up to a mental health professional to make that determination I would presume. (By the way, I spend probably more time than I should sitting on our couch in front of our fireplace replying to posts here on PC.)

My personal opinion is that, ultimately, what's important here may be for you to figure out what you need to do in order to take care of yourself given the situation you & you wife are in. That might include spending some time with a counselor or mental health therapist yourself. Here are links to a selection of 13 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may help you to gain some perspective regarding the situation you are in along with some ideas on how to address it. The first 3 articles are by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D.:

You Can Only Change Yourself

Denial is a Powerful Impediment to Treatment

How Can I Help Someone in My Life Who's Depressed?

Recognizing Depression in Your Partner

9 Ways to Help a Friend or Family Member With Depression

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/famil...or-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-way...-denial/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...essional-help/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/helpin...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-de...at-you-can-do/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-ways...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/sufferi...pressed/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...ge-and-thrive/

My best wishes to you both...

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Default Jan 29, 2019 at 06:28 PM
  #6
[QUOTE=Skeezyks;

Excellent points, Skeezyks! Pythocles needs to take care of his needs too.
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Default Jan 30, 2019 at 02:04 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211 View Post
Hello Pythocles. Thank you for sharing. I am sorry you and your wife are struggling. Would you be willing to fill in more info? When did this start? Was there a trigger? Such as a loss of job, loss of a friendship, illness, money worries, child moving away from home, new meds or discontinued meds, any painful or stressful life event? Does your wife work?

With regard to bed sores...re-positioning is really important. Does your wife continually move in bed...from one side to another etc? How often is she getting up? I assume she gets up to go to the bathroom, right? She's not living with chronic pain or a physical disability? Is your wife bathing, brushing her hair/teeth, changing her clothes? Getting chores done? Eating and drinking at regular intervals?

She may indeed be living with anhedonia...a symptom of depression. Though as MickeyCheeky pointed out, we cannot diagnose your wife. She needs to talk with a doctor. And as you pointed out, she needs to want to do that herself. There are some other options which may help. There are online doctors and phone lines your wife could contact from her bed. If she doesn't feel like getting up and going to a doctor's office.

have you tried talking with your wife about this yet? Try coming from a place of gentle care and concern. Something like: "Babe, I would like us to have a chat...can we check-in with each other? I noticed that you are spending more time in bed lately. You don't seem to be doing the things you used to love. I am worried about this change. And I want to help. Can you help me understand? please share from your point of view. I love you. You are my best friend in life and I want my best friend to be happy and well. I'm worried that my best friend is struggling and I'm not sure how to help."


Peace and healing energy to you and your wife

Thanks for your reply. It has been a gradual process of withdrawing ever since we got married (many years ago). We have three children. When they were at home and in school, she was very occupied with them and not much interested in a social life beyond the family, whether adults or children. Now, in their 30s, the two boys are grown and have lives of their own far away. Our youngest, a daughter, is living at home after having lived apart at various times during her studies. She is 29 years old and still embarking on her career. My wife's introverted behavior started to become more pronounced several years ago. She has never had a job and doesn't drive (refuses to get a license). My daughter and I do all the shopping and chores. My wife no longer shops, cooks, cleans, etc. for us. She does not have a disability. She is overweight and with all the inactivity very out of shape. But she takes care of her personal hygiene, makes her bed, does her laundry. She gets up to use the restroom and the kitchen, goes outside to smoke. But she has no interest in doing anything with me. Occasionally, my daughter gets her to go out, but they sometimes argue and afterwards my wife seems to regret having gone. As for anhedonia, I would say she gets little pleasure out of anything but reading, which she does incessantly. She is very intelligent, but also tends to fantasize and fabricate stories in communicating with others (usually they focus on how special she is and how much she knows about highly specialized subjects). I have tried talking to her many times about it, but she claims that she is not depressed, not even unhappy. She seems to think that my complaining about her reflects something wrong with me. I went to a therapist for several months, but she would not go. Mostly, she is quite passive-aggressive about the problem and most everything else that concerns our relationship. She ignores me and then acts as if she had done nothing. Which, though true, is very annoying.
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Default Jan 31, 2019 at 03:31 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by pythocles View Post
Thanks for your reply. It has been a gradual process of withdrawing ever since we got married (many years ago). We have three children. When they were at home and in school, she was very occupied with them and not much interested in a social life beyond the family, whether adults or children. Now, in their 30s, the two boys are grown and have lives of their own far away. Our youngest, a daughter, is living at home after having lived apart at various times during her studies. She is 29 years old and still embarking on her career. My wife's introverted behavior started to become more pronounced several years ago. She has never had a job and doesn't drive (refuses to get a license). My daughter and I do all the shopping and chores. My wife no longer shops, cooks, cleans, etc. for us. She does not have a disability. She is overweight and with all the inactivity very out of shape. But she takes care of her personal hygiene, makes her bed, does her laundry. She gets up to use the restroom and the kitchen, goes outside to smoke. But she has no interest in doing anything with me. Occasionally, my daughter gets her to go out, but they sometimes argue and afterwards my wife seems to regret having gone. As for anhedonia, I would say she gets little pleasure out of anything but reading, which she does incessantly. She is very intelligent, but also tends to fantasize and fabricate stories in communicating with others (usually they focus on how special she is and how much she knows about highly specialized subjects). I have tried talking to her many times about it, but she claims that she is not depressed, not even unhappy. She seems to think that my complaining about her reflects something wrong with me. I went to a therapist for several months, but she would not go. Mostly, she is quite passive-aggressive about the problem and most everything else that concerns our relationship. She ignores me and then acts as if she had done nothing. Which, though true, is very annoying.
Oh Pythocles. What a sad and frustrating situation for you. I wonder if your wife was so focused on the children when they were younger that now she's sort of lost because they don't really need her anymore and have grown up? Perhaps she didn't develop other aspects of her Self and has now given up in a sense?

She certainly sounds depressed. Lots of people are living with it and will not acknowledge it or even angrily reject the very idea. And we cannot change anyone, right? Or convince them how to think, even if the person is our spouse.

May I ask if therapy helped you? You said you went for a few months. What did the therapist recommend?

I'm going to ask a few questions. You need not answer them. But they may be helpful for you to think over.

Do you love your wife?
Do you feel loved by your wife?
Does your marriage enrich your life in some way?
What are you willing to accept/not accept in the future?
If you fantasize about a happy future for yourself...what does that look like? Who's there with you?

I am not trying to steer you one way or another. Only you can know what's right for yourself. Given the duration of this problem and the fact that you seem to be the only one willing to try to improve things...that's why I asked those Qs.

I was deeply unhappy in a marriage once (for different reasons than yours). You have my empathy. My husband refused to join me in therapy or to try anything that could help. I eventually gave up and divorced him. That was the right choice for me. But every person's story is so unique. You and your wife have been together a lot longer than my ex and I were. You've basically shared a lifetime together, right? And we never had children.

Just my thoughts for you. Sorry in advance if any of it seemed too candid. I am coming from a place of care and regard. I wish you peace.

Last edited by Anonymous57363; Jan 31, 2019 at 04:09 AM..
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Default Jan 31, 2019 at 04:35 AM
  #9
Hi pythocles.

As above, it certainly sounds like there is some depression there. I am guessing by the age of your grown children, that you and your wife are in your early/mid 50's. Thyroid and hormonal issues often raise their ugly head at this age...although there could be issues even earlier. Please encourage your wife to at least arrange a full blood panel and general health check...Balancing hormones is fairly straightforward with replacement therapy... treatment in this area has become very advanced in the last 10 years.

I wish you both the very best moving forward...as this is a time in your life to enjoy the fruits of all your hard together.

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Default Jan 31, 2019 at 06:11 AM
  #10
I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your wife, pythocles I agree with HopefullyLost1211 and Quarter life. Remember that you can only do so much to help. She's the one that needs to get help. Just try your best like you're already doing, but don't be so hard on yourself. Stay safe and take care of yourself. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm always available if you need to talk. Sending many hugs to you
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Default Feb 06, 2019 at 12:42 PM
  #11
I’m wishing you and your wife healing and peace

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Default Feb 26, 2019 at 12:05 AM
  #12
[QUOTE=HopefullyLost1211;6418638][QUOTE=Skeezyks;

Excellent points, Skeezyks! Pythocles needs to take care of his needs too. [/QUOTE]

I have gone to counseling myself. She refuses to go. After several sessions, the overall impression I got was that I should do something about making myself happy. So, I am trying to do that. I don't know what that will mean for our relationship. I don't feel guilty on a conscious level. But maybe I'm somehow denying it.
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Default Feb 26, 2019 at 12:23 AM
  #13
Maybe there is a connection that I'm not aware of. Allowing myself to entertain feelings for (become infatuated with) a person who was clearly unavailable for a relationship, but in close proximity otherwise, was an attempt (albeit unrealistic and misguided) to allow myself to think about having some emotional life beyond my marriage. I was surprised that I finally started feeling good about everyday life when I did give myself that permission - even if it was purely internal.
Well, thanks again for the advice, which I will take and give this thing time to work itself out.
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Default Mar 06, 2019 at 04:52 AM
  #14
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Originally Posted by pythocles View Post
My wife appears to have lost any interest in going out or doing things that she can't do in bed on her smartphone/Kindle. She spends so much time in bed that I'm beginning to worry about bed sores. How can I tell if she is depressed or needs professional help. She never goes or is willing to go to the doctor for anything short of life-or-death situations. I don't think I could persuade her to get therapy, but it is having a big impact on my life satisfaction.
Talk to her directly. The best solution as for me.
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