Wife depressed? - Forums at Psych Central



advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 01-29-2019, 01:55 PM #1
pythocles pythocles is offline
New Member
 
Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: California
Posts: 6
pythocles pythocles is offline
New Member
pythocles has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: California
Posts: 6

1 hugs
given
Default Wife depressed?

My wife appears to have lost any interest in going out or doing things that she can't do in bed on her smartphone/Kindle. She spends so much time in bed that I'm beginning to worry about bed sores. How can I tell if she is depressed or needs professional help. She never goes or is willing to go to the doctor for anything short of life-or-death situations. I don't think I could persuade her to get therapy, but it is having a big impact on my life satisfaction.
pythocles is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:

advertisement
Old 01-29-2019, 02:12 PM #2
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky MickeyCheeky is online now
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 9,460
MickeyCheeky MickeyCheeky is online now
Wise Elder
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 9,460 (SuperPoster!)

2 yr Member
30.9k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Wife depressed?

I'm so sorry you're struggling, pythocles From what you wrote, I agree that she may be suffering from depression. The only way to know for sure is to go to a doctor and get a proper diagnosis. I'd suggest to have a serious talk to your wife about this and try to convince her to talk to a doctor and see how it goes from there. Make her understand how this is important, both for you and for her. I'm so sorry, I know how hard it is when a person we love is suffering from depression. Please don't give up. I wish the best of luck to you and your wife. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
MickeyCheeky is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 01-29-2019, 02:58 PM #3
Anonymous57363
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Anonymous57363
Guest
Anonymous57363 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a

Default Re: Wife depressed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pythocles View Post
My wife appears to have lost any interest in going out or doing things that she can't do in bed on her smartphone/Kindle. She spends so much time in bed that I'm beginning to worry about bed sores. How can I tell if she is depressed or needs professional help. She never goes or is willing to go to the doctor for anything short of life-or-death situations. I don't think I could persuade her to get therapy, but it is having a big impact on my life satisfaction.
Hello Pythocles. Thank you for sharing. I am sorry you and your wife are struggling. Would you be willing to fill in more info? When did this start? Was there a trigger? Such as a loss of job, loss of a friendship, illness, money worries, child moving away from home, new meds or discontinued meds, any painful or stressful life event? Does your wife work?

With regard to bed sores...re-positioning is really important. Does your wife continually move in bed...from one side to another etc? How often is she getting up? I assume she gets up to go to the bathroom, right? She's not living with chronic pain or a physical disability? Is your wife bathing, brushing her hair/teeth, changing her clothes? Getting chores done? Eating and drinking at regular intervals?

She may indeed be living with anhedonia...a symptom of depression. Though as MickeyCheeky pointed out, we cannot diagnose your wife. She needs to talk with a doctor. And as you pointed out, she needs to want to do that herself. There are some other options which may help. There are online doctors and phone lines your wife could contact from her bed. If she doesn't feel like getting up and going to a doctor's office.

have you tried talking with your wife about this yet? Try coming from a place of gentle care and concern. Something like: "Babe, I would like us to have a chat...can we check-in with each other? I noticed that you are spending more time in bed lately. You don't seem to be doing the things you used to love. I am worried about this change. And I want to help. Can you help me understand? please share from your point of view. I love you. You are my best friend in life and I want my best friend to be happy and well. I'm worried that my best friend is struggling and I'm not sure how to help."


Peace and healing energy to you and your wife
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 01-29-2019, 03:04 PM #4
Anonymous57363
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Anonymous57363
Guest
Anonymous57363 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a

Default Re: Wife depressed?

Here's some Mayo Clinic info on pressure ulcers/bedsores:


Bedsores (pressure ulcers) - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 01-29-2019, 04:13 PM #5
Skeezyks's Avatar
Skeezyks Skeezyks is offline
Apparition
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: L'Etoile du Nord
Posts: 17,348
Skeezyks Skeezyks is offline
Apparition
Skeezyks's Avatar
Skeezyks has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: L'Etoile du Nord
Posts: 17,348 (SuperPoster!)

3 yr Member
12.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Smile Re: Wife depressed?

You may have noticed I replied to your post in the new members introductions forum a few minutes ago. Perhaps what you posted about in that thread is related to the concerns you've posted about in this one? (Just a thought…)

From my perspective, the bottom line here is that you can't force your wife to do something she doesn't want to do. (At least I never have any luck with that.) Yes she may well be struggling with depression. I don't know as there is any particular way for you to "tell" if she's depressed & needs professional help beyond having observed that she's spending all of her time in bed with her phone & Kindle. Beyond that, it would be up to a mental health professional to make that determination I would presume. (By the way, I spend probably more time than I should sitting on our couch in front of our fireplace replying to posts here on PC.)

My personal opinion is that, ultimately, what's important here may be for you to figure out what you need to do in order to take care of yourself given the situation you & you wife are in. That might include spending some time with a counselor or mental health therapist yourself. Here are links to a selection of 13 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may help you to gain some perspective regarding the situation you are in along with some ideas on how to address it. The first 3 articles are by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D.:

You Can Only Change Yourself

Denial is a Powerful Impediment to Treatment

How Can I Help Someone in My Life Who's Depressed?

Recognizing Depression in Your Partner

9 Ways to Help a Friend or Family Member With Depression

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/famil...or-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-way...-denial/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...essional-help/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/helpin...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-de...at-you-can-do/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-ways...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/sufferi...pressed/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...ge-and-thrive/

My best wishes to you both...
__________________
Speak only if you can improve upon the silence.
Skeezyks is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 01-29-2019, 05:28 PM #6
Anonymous57363
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Anonymous57363
Guest
Anonymous57363 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a

Default Re: Wife depressed?

[QUOTE=Skeezyks;

Excellent points, Skeezyks! Pythocles needs to take care of his needs too.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 01-30-2019, 01:04 AM #7
pythocles pythocles is offline
New Member
 
Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: California
Posts: 6
pythocles pythocles is offline
New Member
pythocles has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: California
Posts: 6

1 hugs
given
Default Re: Wife depressed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211 View Post
Hello Pythocles. Thank you for sharing. I am sorry you and your wife are struggling. Would you be willing to fill in more info? When did this start? Was there a trigger? Such as a loss of job, loss of a friendship, illness, money worries, child moving away from home, new meds or discontinued meds, any painful or stressful life event? Does your wife work?

With regard to bed sores...re-positioning is really important. Does your wife continually move in bed...from one side to another etc? How often is she getting up? I assume she gets up to go to the bathroom, right? She's not living with chronic pain or a physical disability? Is your wife bathing, brushing her hair/teeth, changing her clothes? Getting chores done? Eating and drinking at regular intervals?

She may indeed be living with anhedonia...a symptom of depression. Though as MickeyCheeky pointed out, we cannot diagnose your wife. She needs to talk with a doctor. And as you pointed out, she needs to want to do that herself. There are some other options which may help. There are online doctors and phone lines your wife could contact from her bed. If she doesn't feel like getting up and going to a doctor's office.

have you tried talking with your wife about this yet? Try coming from a place of gentle care and concern. Something like: "Babe, I would like us to have a chat...can we check-in with each other? I noticed that you are spending more time in bed lately. You don't seem to be doing the things you used to love. I am worried about this change. And I want to help. Can you help me understand? please share from your point of view. I love you. You are my best friend in life and I want my best friend to be happy and well. I'm worried that my best friend is struggling and I'm not sure how to help."


Peace and healing energy to you and your wife

Thanks for your reply. It has been a gradual process of withdrawing ever since we got married (many years ago). We have three children. When they were at home and in school, she was very occupied with them and not much interested in a social life beyond the family, whether adults or children. Now, in their 30s, the two boys are grown and have lives of their own far away. Our youngest, a daughter, is living at home after having lived apart at various times during her studies. She is 29 years old and still embarking on her career. My wife's introverted behavior started to become more pronounced several years ago. She has never had a job and doesn't drive (refuses to get a license). My daughter and I do all the shopping and chores. My wife no longer shops, cooks, cleans, etc. for us. She does not have a disability. She is overweight and with all the inactivity very out of shape. But she takes care of her personal hygiene, makes her bed, does her laundry. She gets up to use the restroom and the kitchen, goes outside to smoke. But she has no interest in doing anything with me. Occasionally, my daughter gets her to go out, but they sometimes argue and afterwards my wife seems to regret having gone. As for anhedonia, I would say she gets little pleasure out of anything but reading, which she does incessantly. She is very intelligent, but also tends to fantasize and fabricate stories in communicating with others (usually they focus on how special she is and how much she knows about highly specialized subjects). I have tried talking to her many times about it, but she claims that she is not depressed, not even unhappy. She seems to think that my complaining about her reflects something wrong with me. I went to a therapist for several months, but she would not go. Mostly, she is quite passive-aggressive about the problem and most everything else that concerns our relationship. She ignores me and then acts as if she had done nothing. Which, though true, is very annoying.
pythocles is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 01-31-2019, 02:31 AM #8
Anonymous57363
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Anonymous57363
Guest
Anonymous57363 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a

Default Re: Wife depressed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pythocles View Post
Thanks for your reply. It has been a gradual process of withdrawing ever since we got married (many years ago). We have three children. When they were at home and in school, she was very occupied with them and not much interested in a social life beyond the family, whether adults or children. Now, in their 30s, the two boys are grown and have lives of their own far away. Our youngest, a daughter, is living at home after having lived apart at various times during her studies. She is 29 years old and still embarking on her career. My wife's introverted behavior started to become more pronounced several years ago. She has never had a job and doesn't drive (refuses to get a license). My daughter and I do all the shopping and chores. My wife no longer shops, cooks, cleans, etc. for us. She does not have a disability. She is overweight and with all the inactivity very out of shape. But she takes care of her personal hygiene, makes her bed, does her laundry. She gets up to use the restroom and the kitchen, goes outside to smoke. But she has no interest in doing anything with me. Occasionally, my daughter gets her to go out, but they sometimes argue and afterwards my wife seems to regret having gone. As for anhedonia, I would say she gets little pleasure out of anything but reading, which she does incessantly. She is very intelligent, but also tends to fantasize and fabricate stories in communicating with others (usually they focus on how special she is and how much she knows about highly specialized subjects). I have tried talking to her many times about it, but she claims that she is not depressed, not even unhappy. She seems to think that my complaining about her reflects something wrong with me. I went to a therapist for several months, but she would not go. Mostly, she is quite passive-aggressive about the problem and most everything else that concerns our relationship. She ignores me and then acts as if she had done nothing. Which, though true, is very annoying.
Oh Pythocles. What a sad and frustrating situation for you. I wonder if your wife was so focused on the children when they were younger that now she's sort of lost because they don't really need her anymore and have grown up? Perhaps she didn't develop other aspects of her Self and has now given up in a sense?

She certainly sounds depressed. Lots of people are living with it and will not acknowledge it or even angrily reject the very idea. And we cannot change anyone, right? Or convince them how to think, even if the person is our spouse.

May I ask if therapy helped you? You said you went for a few months. What did the therapist recommend?

I'm going to ask a few questions. You need not answer them. But they may be helpful for you to think over.

Do you love your wife?
Do you feel loved by your wife?
Does your marriage enrich your life in some way?
What are you willing to accept/not accept in the future?
If you fantasize about a happy future for yourself...what does that look like? Who's there with you?

I am not trying to steer you one way or another. Only you can know what's right for yourself. Given the duration of this problem and the fact that you seem to be the only one willing to try to improve things...that's why I asked those Qs.

I was deeply unhappy in a marriage once (for different reasons than yours). You have my empathy. My husband refused to join me in therapy or to try anything that could help. I eventually gave up and divorced him. That was the right choice for me. But every person's story is so unique. You and your wife have been together a lot longer than my ex and I were. You've basically shared a lifetime together, right? And we never had children.

Just my thoughts for you. Sorry in advance if any of it seemed too candid. I am coming from a place of care and regard. I wish you peace.

Last edited by Anonymous57363; 01-31-2019 at 03:09 AM.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 01-31-2019, 03:35 AM #9
Quarter life's Avatar
Quarter life Quarter life is offline
Elder...and a bit Older
Community Liaison
 
Member Since: Nov 2013
Location: My Own Orbit
Posts: 6,791
Quarter life Quarter life is offline
Elder...and a bit Older
Community Liaison
Quarter life's Avatar
Quarter life Is Very Very Very Very Very Very Angry
 
Member Since: Nov 2013
Location: My Own Orbit
Posts: 6,791 (SuperPoster!)

5 yr Member
505 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Wife depressed?

Hi pythocles.

As above, it certainly sounds like there is some depression there. I am guessing by the age of your grown children, that you and your wife are in your early/mid 50's. Thyroid and hormonal issues often raise their ugly head at this age...although there could be issues even earlier. Please encourage your wife to at least arrange a full blood panel and general health check...Balancing hormones is fairly straightforward with replacement therapy... treatment in this area has become very advanced in the last 10 years.

I wish you both the very best moving forward...as this is a time in your life to enjoy the fruits of all your hard together.
__________________
The devil whispered in my ear, "You cannot withstand the storm." I whispered back, "I am ​the storm."
Quarter life is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 01-31-2019, 05:11 AM #10
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky MickeyCheeky is online now
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 9,460
MickeyCheeky MickeyCheeky is online now
Wise Elder
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 9,460 (SuperPoster!)

2 yr Member
30.9k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Wife depressed?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your wife, pythocles I agree with HopefullyLost1211 and Quarter life. Remember that you can only do so much to help. She's the one that needs to get help. Just try your best like you're already doing, but don't be so hard on yourself. Stay safe and take care of yourself. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm always available if you need to talk. Sending many hugs to you
MickeyCheeky is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:27 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

advertisement

Psych Central Forums

Psych Central is the leading mental health website, overseen by mental health professionals since 1995.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.
Please read the full disclaimer.