My boyfriend and bpd, I need advice please :( long text, thank you! - Forums at Psych Central



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Old 02-26-2019, 07:53 AM #1
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Default My boyfriend and bpd, I need advice please :( long text, thank you!

Hi there,

first of all I apologize for my English, Iím from Germany, but I hope youíll understand my problem. Thanks for helping me!

3 months ago I met a a very kind and lovely man (we met online) from the UK, he was the very first man in my 31 years who gave me so much.. from the first day on we understood each other so good, because both of us were going through similar issues and problems in our lifes. We had so many topics to talk about, he was SO DAMN caring, he put my problems and my person as priority and his own behind.. we were there for each other almost 24/7, we left hobbies and friends behind (I know this isnít the best solution and not the best behavior, but we were so connected to each other.. our focuses were just on each other.. after a few weeks we met for the first time in real life. He visited me in Germany and we had great 2 weeks. It was more intense, than via phone and WhatsApp. In general, this whole relationship was intense as ****.. it was his first time abroad, he felt a little bit uncomfortable bc he didnít know the language and the culture. But I did everything to made him feel good and safe..

this guy suffers from anxiety, PTSD and borderline. He told me this directly after our first chats at the beginning of our relationship.

I was totally fine with this.. I can handle many situations and people, I met several and different people in my life, Iím also a very caring and helpful person. I was always there for him, to boost his issues and he told me SO MANY times, that he never felt like this before. He felt so good and confident, when he was with me (IRL or even on phone).. I was his first girlfriend, he never had one before, he had 2 good friends (male) but thatís it. He grew up in a very abused house, his father was bullying him and punching him in his childhood. Also at School he was bullied for his weight.. his mother could never show her feelings towards him.. he was all the time alone.. just his brothers were there for him..

after two weeks of being here in germany he left bc his mom was in hospital, she was concerned about him, being here in a foreign country. I donít want to mention this, but his family is Muslim.. theyíre living a very strict life, BUT not my ex. He was different. He doesnít believe in this religion. After leaving he behaved different. We had a fight before he left and one day he tried to push me away, I cried for 7 hours, bc I didnít know whatís wrong with him. He told me he canít handle this pressure of being here and his family is there, his mom is suffering that he is in Germany and not in England.. he told me he didnít love me anymore and i was fighting and fighting 7 hours (it was a Wednesday) crying the **** out of me, I was begging.. he was so cold towards me.. after this 7 hours I calmed down. I thought thatís it. He doesnít want me anymore and I donít know why!

We went to bed and he started to change again. He was starring at me for like 1 hour, with sad eyes, with eyes who told me his feeling, bc I knew he still must have feelings for me. And then suddenly he changed, he apologized, he held my hand, he cried, he told me he canít be without me, his feelings are too strong.. he was cuddling me like there is no tomorrow, crying in my arms.. and I was shocked. I was exhausted from the whole day fighting for him.. we had the best night, we talked so much about it, we laughed again (and omg we both laughed so much from the day we met!! And I miss this so much) two days later he left Germany and went back to his family.

Since then we were in a long distance relationship and almost every day was different. One day he gave me hope, love, he was caring so much, he had plans.. two days later he was kinda cold again, not in the same way, like here in Germany but kind of. And we still spent hours and hours together by phoning and FaceTiming. I swear, it was so intense..

then one day, it was exactly one week ago, we had the plan me moving to uk. Not forever but for a few months. I have a job where Iím working in my own home office. I can work from wherever I want. So HE booked the flight and an Airbnb (I couldnít live with him, bc of his father and mom) but I was fine with that. And tbh I put him under such a pressure to come earlier and earlier.. I couldnít deal with this long distance anymore.. every day I put him under pressure but he didnít say anything. He couldíve even told me that things went to fast, but on the other side it was his plan me moving to UK. Every day I told him, i canít be without him anymore, we fought because I really stressed him out (and now I regret it, I hate myself for doing this!!) BUT he never told me a single word. He said everything was fine and he couldnít wait to see me.

The day before my departure I packed my bags and stuff, he acted kinda weird. He was cold again, he told me he canít be on phone bc he has Stress with his brother. His brothers never wanted this relationship bc the didnít know me and the didnít believe in such things like long distance and stuff. They thought I was just using him, bc he was paying for everything (and I didnít like it when he paid for everything, even for groceries when he was here! I didnít like it bc itís not my personality to take money from others. Iím earning my own money so I can pay).

3(!!) hours before my flight he didnít texted or phoned me. And I KNEW that something is wrong.. I was afraid he would break up with me or tell me his feelings arenít the same anymore (like multiple times before). I knew that something will happen. And then it happens. He was mean and rude af! He told me to **** off, he told me he didnít want me anymore... itís over and I have to stay where I am. I was crying again bc I was confused and I knew that this might happen. After one hour he called me ďNathalie, let me explain, it wasnít me, it was my brother, he was typing bc he want to get rid of you, he doesnít want you to come here and take me away from my familyĒ and we talked for 2 hours, my flight was almost gone.. and I was like ďok I donít know if youíre telling me the truth or maybe it was you bc of this pressure I put you inĒ the last sentence of my ex was (before we hang up after one hour) ďIíll love you foreverĒ and he cried so much... after 2 hours he blocked me.

The next morning he unblocked me. I texted him several times and he read all the messages.. he sent me 2 voice messages where he was crying again and saying he canít deal with both anymore. Pressure from his family and my pressure I put him in. He told me ďit has to stop, Itís the end I guessĒ ďyouíll never hear from me anymoreĒ and I begged again.. but then, he blocked me. Since the day (itís a week ago) Iím blocked on WhatsApp (he also changed his SIM card, bc ďhis brother wanted it like thatĒ, idk if itís true). Iím still on insta and Twitter, but he isnít active for the last 7 days.. he didnít read my direct messages on insta.. 3 days ago he read all my mails i texted him.. but since the last 3 days thereís nothing anymore. I know he read my mails bc Iím using a program in my mails, idk how itís in English, but I can see when somebody reads my mails.

I really really want him back in my life! Is there a chance that heíll come back? Iím so frustrated and sad. I canít function anymore, Iím losing weight constantly, I donít want to lose him forever

Since the break up Iím reading every day about disorders and I try to improve me own behavior, for a better understanding for this mental illness.. i learned from my mistakes, i know it was a huge mistake to put him under such a pressure almost every day I just want him back, and build up SLOWLY, I want him to show that I changed.. bc I know he didnít react and break up like this, because he really wanted it. It was just this whole pressure thing from me and his family! We were really in love and I know he had strong feelings, me too. So I think there could be a chance that he unblocks me? He has such a good heart, really, Iím totally serious, itís not just this disorder he has, itís his character, his manners.. so caring and lovely..

Look at these attachments, it was a Back and forth, back and forthÖ some days he loved me and wanted me so much and other days when I said something that hurt him, he just wanted a friendship..
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Old 02-28-2019, 05:17 PM #2
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Default Re: My boyfriend and bpd, I need advice please :( long text, thank you!

Nathalie87, I am so sorry for your suffering and confusion. I have lived with my BPD partner for the last 15 years. I could write a book about how recognizable the behaviors you are describing are: the push and pull, the roller coaster of every day, how your plans, your situation changes in an instant and you never see it coming, how exhausting that is, how you try to better yourself to deal with it, yet you are still at the mercy of every one of his reactions.....but comiserating will not help answer your very specific question: will he come back and do you have a chance at being together? Well, of course I can not speak for him, he is an individual and even though he has some mental health issues, he makes his own individual decisions. But I can share a little bit about Ątypicalď Borderline behavior: itĎs likely that he will make contact again, just as likely that he will pull back again, for hours, days, weeks and one day maybe for good. There is a book about living with a BPD partner titled very appropriately ĄI hate you donĎt leave meď that describes this never-ending roller coaster. I personally like ĄStop Walking on Eggshellsď by R Kreger a lot. She says at the end of her book that the most powerful predictor of whether a BPD and a non-BPD partner stay together is the BPDĎs willingness to work on his/her mental health. I totally agree! My partner was not diagnosed when we met and so I spent many years very confused and desparate, in therapy myself individually and in utterly misguided partner therapy ....until a Psychiatrist set me straight and told me in no uncertain terms that it was likely my partner suffered from more than the depression he was diagnosed with at the time and that I needed to decide whether I wanted to be treated with respect and dignity. As a result, I set some boundaries for my partner. I did not Ądemandď therapy or treatment, that is a very personal decision that he needed to make for himself. But I did tell him I could not continue to live with certain behaviors, amongst them threatening to leave every time the thought crossed his mind, because they were turning me into a shadow of myself, into someone I didnít recognize or like and I didnít want to be that person. This resulted in him getting therapy, medication and psychiatric treatment.

After all these years, itĎs still hard every day and I canít help but wonder often whether I would or should have chosen a different path, i.e. to distance myself, had I known more at the very beginning of our relationship. But I do know that I would advise everyone knowingly getting into a relationship with a BPD to think hard about it. It is very very difficult, for both. I was wrong in wanting to be strong for both of us. It actually converted my partner into the Ąweakerď part of the relationship by compensating for his shortcomings and I learnt that that was a form of disrespect. There are and should be 2 adults in a couple, with or without mental health issues. And after 15 years I can say it takes a lot, from both, but it takes more work and effort from the BPD partner, to have a chance at a lasting relationship.

So, I would ask a couple of questions back at you
1. would you stay in this relationship if you knew for a fact that the roller coaster of one day lovers, one day friends and one day strangers will always be part of it, will never stop? Would you stay in this relationship with him behaving this way but not ever accepting the same behavior from you?
2. if the answer is NO then you need to ask yourself whether you can be clear with yourself and with him what you absolutely must have to be happy - not a condition he needs to fulfill - but a limit that if crossed would make you deeply and permanently unhappy. If that red line is crossed you walk away, not because you donít love him and not because you donít care about his issues, but because you need to survive and take care of yourself.

I wish you the very best. Please always be good to yourself and look after yourself. Hugs!
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Old 03-08-2019, 10:01 PM #3
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Default Re: My boyfriend and bpd, I need advice please :( long text, thank you!

Hi Nathalie!


First, I am very sorry that you are going through this pain and that this has been your experience. No one deserves to feel unappreciated or low or anything but happy. I do not know the true ins and outs of your relationship with this man but I can speak to a few things that I think you should think about for yourself:


1. Do you believe the things he says?
He very well might suffer from anxiety, PTSD, and borderline personality disorder however, he also might be lying and using that as an excuse. Now, because he disclosed this early on before the issues started, I would lean more towards he is not lying about his diagnosis but I do think there's more to the story than he is giving you.
I have a difficult time believing the "brother issues" - I would be curious if he's actually married and has another family. The conflicting feelings between obligations to them and how he is feeling about you could absolutely be triggering his anxiety and leading to him being hot and cold and giving you mixed messages. Regardless, I hope you think long and hard about what is real, and what you might be accepting because it's what you want to believe.


2. Do you feel that this relationship is healthy for YOU?
It is so incredibly hard to do, I know I suffer with it as well, but sometimes being the caregiver means being your own caregiver first. Taking care of your own emotions and mental health comes first and it is SUCH a good sign that you posted this because it should show you that you are very much trying to help yourself. Figure out if you think this is a relationship that truly is benefitting you...if it's not, maybe you should let him go. Look out for yourself and what is best for YOU first...because you deserve to have happiness and be stress free!


3. Do you think you are ready to not have any contact with him?
If the answer to this is no, then it doesn't matter what advice anyone gives, you'll do what you're going to do. I've found that people will never do anything until they are ready. So much like he will not commit to you until he is ready, you also won't be able to let him go until you are ready. Be patient with yourself, and remember to always always look out for your own best interests. It's ok to be supportive and try to be his friend, but I do think you should keep in mind that if doing so is going to harm you in any way, it is not worth it. Give him the push to seek professional help that he might need, but also stick up for your own feelings.


I wish you so so much happiness and really hope things work out for you!
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Old 03-14-2019, 04:08 AM #4
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Default Re: My boyfriend and bpd, I need advice please :( long text, thank you!

I am sorry that you are dealing with this but I think for your health and wellbeing that you should let him go and move on. Its is not your job to save him or guess if he is mentally ill. For whatever reason he doesnt want to talk to you or see you and you have to take that at face value. You deserve better and he can not give you what you want-he just cant. He has told you he cant.
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Old 03-14-2019, 05:49 AM #5
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Default Re: My boyfriend and bpd, I need advice please :( long text, thank you!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nathalie87 View Post
Hi there,

Since the break up Iím reading every day about disorders and I try to improve me own behavior, for a better understanding for this mental illness.. i learned from my mistakes, i know it was a huge mistake to put him under such a pressure almost every day
This is what jumped out at me in your post. I hope you will believe me and trust me when I say that there is NOTHING that YOU can do to change his behaviour. He is displaying classic borderline and abusive behaviour (the splitting, the constant back and forth, the manipulation, the excuses, the constant crises, fear of abandonment, and so much more). This behaviour will NOT change until and unless he decides he wants to seek help and make changes in his life.

The others have already asked some good questions. At the end of the day, what can you live with? Can you live with this kind of stress, tension, uncertainty, manipulation, and anxiety? Is your life worth more than this? What do you owe him that keeps you coming back? Would you be happier in a healthy relationship? Do you need to settle?

Only you can decide what is best, but living with a borderline is NOT easy or fun. We are intense, constantly in crisis, constantly putting out fires, constantly creating crisis, and high maintenance. I know I wouldn't date me.
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Old 03-25-2019, 08:40 AM #6
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Default Re: My boyfriend and bpd, I need advice please :( long text, thank you!

Quote:
Originally Posted by comethisfar View Post
Nathalie87, I am so sorry for your suffering and confusion. I have lived with my BPD partner for the last 15 years. I could write a book about how recognizable the behaviors you are describing are: the push and pull, the roller coaster of every day, how your plans, your situation changes in an instant and you never see it coming, how exhausting that is, how you try to better yourself to deal with it, yet you are still at the mercy of every one of his reactions.....but comiserating will not help answer your very specific question: will he come back and do you have a chance at being together? Well, of course I can not speak for him, he is an individual and even though he has some mental health issues, he makes his own individual decisions. But I can share a little bit about Ątypicalď Borderline behavior: itĎs likely that he will make contact again, just as likely that he will pull back again, for hours, days, weeks and one day maybe for good. There is a book about living with a BPD partner titled very appropriately ĄI hate you donĎt leave meď that describes this never-ending roller coaster. I personally like ĄStop Walking on Eggshellsď by R Kreger a lot. She says at the end of her book that the most powerful predictor of whether a BPD and a non-BPD partner stay together is the BPDĎs willingness to work on his/her mental health. I totally agree! My partner was not diagnosed when we met and so I spent many years very confused and desparate, in therapy myself individually and in utterly misguided partner therapy ....until a Psychiatrist set me straight and told me in no uncertain terms that it was likely my partner suffered from more than the depression he was diagnosed with at the time and that I needed to decide whether I wanted to be treated with respect and dignity. As a result, I set some boundaries for my partner. I did not Ądemandď therapy or treatment, that is a very personal decision that he needed to make for himself. But I did tell him I could not continue to live with certain behaviors, amongst them threatening to leave every time the thought crossed his mind, because they were turning me into a shadow of myself, into someone I didnít recognize or like and I didnít want to be that person. This resulted in him getting therapy, medication and psychiatric treatment.

After all these years, itĎs still hard every day and I canít help but wonder often whether I would or should have chosen a different path, i.e. to distance myself, had I known more at the very beginning of our relationship. But I do know that I would advise everyone knowingly getting into a relationship with a BPD to think hard about it. It is very very difficult, for both. I was wrong in wanting to be strong for both of us. It actually converted my partner into the Ąweakerď part of the relationship by compensating for his shortcomings and I learnt that that was a form of disrespect. There are and should be 2 adults in a couple, with or without mental health issues. And after 15 years I can say it takes a lot, from both, but it takes more work and effort from the BPD partner, to have a chance at a lasting relationship.

So, I would ask a couple of questions back at you
1. would you stay in this relationship if you knew for a fact that the roller coaster of one day lovers, one day friends and one day strangers will always be part of it, will never stop? Would you stay in this relationship with him behaving this way but not ever accepting the same behavior from you?
2. if the answer is NO then you need to ask yourself whether you can be clear with yourself and with him what you absolutely must have to be happy - not a condition he needs to fulfill - but a limit that if crossed would make you deeply and permanently unhappy. If that red line is crossed you walk away, not because you donít love him and not because you donít care about his issues, but because you need to survive and take care of yourself.

I wish you the very best. Please always be good to yourself and look after yourself. Hugs!
I need an advice from you....if you had been living 15 years now with a BPD, I am lost and feel awfulll.... I dealed with it, better said I couldn't deal with it...please help...Can I tell you my story?
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