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Old 03-08-2019, 09:45 PM #1
lh1227 lh1227 is offline
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Unhappy Help Me Help Him...or Myself

Hi all!


Almost a year ago my boyfriend lost his business due to issues out of his control. Since that happened he has become increasingly depressed. For awhile I let it be because I knew he was grieving the loss of something he had poured his heart and soul into and that the betrayal he was feeling following the closing of his business was normal. This to me was just a part of the grieving process so I chose to not push him, be supportive, and just be there when he needed me. As time has gone on his depression has ebbed and flowed. Sometimes he seems happier but the moment something doesn't go the way he is expecting he immediately thinks everyone is out to get him and that nothing will ever go right for him.


He is drinking a lot, smoking cigarettes, letting his appearance go, does not want to leave the house for periods of time followed by other times wanting to go out every night and get drunk with his friends. He has lost his sex drive, which was always healthy previously. He also tells me that he cares about me but that he is confused about what is going on and that he feels that his glass his empty so to speak and that he feels like a failure and a loser.


I am at a loss. I know I can't actually help him because this is something he truly needs to work through. I am trying my best to be supportive and a good listener when he wants to talk but it is getting increasingly difficult for me to maintain my own positivity and happiness. I have begun to have bad dreams and I will sometimes cry easily over something so small and I have never cried easily or been highly emotional. I find myself not wanting to share how I am feeling with him because I do not want to add to his burden. I am just at a point where I would just like some advice on how to handle this and if there's something I can do. Please help. I love him very much and I just want him to be happy and work through this. Sometimes I feel like we should break up so he can figure it out and I don't have to keep having my mental state impacted, but then I feel so guilty because I would never want to leave him at his lowest, plus I really do not want to end the relationship.


I am just so confused.
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Old 03-09-2019, 10:50 AM #2
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Default Re: Help Me Help Him...or Myself

Quote:
Originally Posted by lh1227 View Post
Hi all!


Almost a year ago my boyfriend lost his business due to issues out of his control. Since that happened he has become increasingly depressed. For awhile I let it be because I knew he was grieving the loss of something he had poured his heart and soul into and that the betrayal he was feeling following the closing of his business was normal. This to me was just a part of the grieving process so I chose to not push him, be supportive, and just be there when he needed me.
That was very kind of you and makes perfect sense to me.
Quote:
As time has gone on his depression has ebbed and flowed. Sometimes he seems happier but the moment something doesn't go the way he is expecting he immediately thinks everyone is out to get him and that nothing will ever go right for him.
Did he always think people were out to get him when something went wrong or is it only this one time post loss of business?


Quote:
He is drinking a lot, smoking cigarettes, letting his appearance go, does not want to leave the house for periods of time followed by other times wanting to go out every night and get drunk with his friends.
Do you think he is developing a substance use issue? I say this as an alcoholic who had no problems until her late 30's and went from occasional drinker to hard-core three bottles of wine a day. i couldnt go anywhere because I physically needed alcohol. Of course bars were ok. Its easy to say to yourself" well this bad thing happened to me so I will just have a cocktail to ease the pain". its very easy to go from easing the pain to numbing the pain and then any pain at all is so uncomfortable that you drink to get away from it.

Quote:
I am at a loss. I know I can't actually help him because this is something he truly needs to work through. I am trying my best to be supportive and a good listener when he wants to talk but it is getting increasingly difficult for me to maintain my own positivity and happiness. I have begun to have bad dreams and I will sometimes cry easily over something so small and I have never cried easily or been highly emotional. I find myself not wanting to share how I am feeling with him because I do not want to add to his burden. I am just at a point where I would just like some advice on how to handle this and if there's something I can do. Please help. I love him very much and I just want him to be happy and work through this. Sometimes I feel like we should break up so he can figure it out and I don't have to keep having my mental state impacted, but then I feel so guilty because I would never want to leave him at his lowest, plus I really do not want to end the relationship.


I am just so confused.
I can see why this is so hard. And you are right that you cant make him seek help for his mental health but you can create boundaries about how he deals with it when it affects you. When he is drunk is he nice, fun, mean, loud, dopey or sleeping? All of those things are things that you do not have to tolerate and you can speak up about them and know that you are taking care of your needs by doing so. Have you told him that you are pulling away from him to protect yourself and that he needs to get help if the marriage is to be saved? Have you clearly had a heart to heart about how this makes you feel? what does he say? Just because he is low and depressed doesnt mean you have to accept it and wallow in it with him, or that you are not allowed to have expectations...
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