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Old 04-18-2019, 06:44 AM #1
justinjets justinjets is offline
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Default I Feel Hopeless

This is going to be a rather long post. However, I feel like without a lot of detail, understanding what I'm going through would be difficult. For those willing to take the time I appreciate it.

My name is Justin, I'm 30 years old. I work at a hospital as a purchasing agent, and also work part time in the National Guard which I've been doing for 10 years now. I've had a very happy life for the most part. I have a very loving family, great friends, and work I actually enjoy. I've always felt like I was missing something, someone to share my life with. I've had fading relationships in the past, but anything so serious that I would consider spending my life with the person forever. This all changed when I met Jenni about 2 years ago.

Two years ago my brother, Stephen, came over to my house to spend some time with me. I was acting kind of down that day because I was still getting over a girl who broke up with me a few months earlier. Stephen made a suggestion... "Why not just try online dating?" I made some very misguided stupid comment like.... no... that's for guys who can't actually get girls!" I knew that was a stupid answer... I've personally known many people who found their spouses online. He shrugged it off, and we went about our day.

Later that night, after he left, I went to my computer and decided to actually give it a try. I used Match, I wanted something you needed to pay for as I figured you would probably find more serious people this way. I created my account, picked some pictures that made me at least appear interesting . Like a picture of that one time I went hiking in the past 5 years lol. Anyway, I then started to scroll through the people. I clicked on a few women, read some profiles, but nothing really jumped out at me. That is, until I saw this beautiful woman with red hair, her name was Jenni.

After reading her profile, we seemed to actually have a lot in common. She liked many of the same tv shows I enjoyed.... She seemed to share a similar sense of humor.... I don't know I just felt like she could be someone I would enjoy to be around. So.... I sent her a message. It was late, so I decided to just turn off my pc and go to bed. When I woke up in the morning, I was very happy to see she replied back. We started talking, and learned more about each other. It wasn't long that I had asked her out.

We hit it off immediately.... She was so much fun to be around, we wanted to do everything together. Even though she lived 2 hours away, we saw each other at least 3 days a week. She quickly became my best friend, I fell in love with her so quickly and she fell in love with me too. Everything seemed perfect, like.... for the first time in my life I understood what it felt like to actually fall in love with another person. She was perfect, I couldn't find a flaw in her; I loved everything about her. Then, one evening, when I got home from work, it started.
I got a text from Jenni. This wasn't uncommon of course, we texted non-stop. However, this text didn't make any sense whatsoever. The text was random words put together, it was full of random spaces and no punctuation. I quickly texted her back asking her if she was okay. She replied back with an equally eerie text with random words and punctuation. So I called her, and got a reply. All I could hear was crying, and random sentences put together that didn't make any sense whatsoever. She then dropped her phone, and I could only hear her in the distance. I instantly called her mom, who she lived with. Her mom was oddly calm about the whole thing.... She said something to the effect of "Oh, is she acting bad again? I'll go check on her"... Acting bad again? What did this even mean? I drove the two hours to go see her.

It turned out my girlfriend was having an episode.... Jenni has Bi-Polar disorder, and an extreme version of it. She had not taken her medicine for several weeks, and did not tell her mom about it. I wasn't even aware of the medicine to begin with. The next day, she was back to her normal self again. I took the day off work just to be with her to make sure she was okay. It was that day that she told me about everything... She has bi-polar disorder, and also suffers from something called psychosis. Her psychosis in the past has happened twice. Now psychosis is not what had happened earlier, that was simply a manic attack. You see, those two episodes of psychosis she experienced were far more extreme.

She explained to me how, twice in the past, she completely mentally checked out. She needed constant care, she couldn't do anything. She couldn't communicate, she couldn't feed herself, she needed help using the restroom. She completely checks out from the world. And worst of all, she actually gets violent. Punching people, screaming with horrible language.... This.... shocked me.... I didn't know how to respond... I loved her, and was never happier in my entire life as I was with her. She said she was on medicine now, and her family had hopes this wouldn't happen again. The medicine she was on is called Latuda for those who are curious. I couldn't see myself without her.... So I told her that I loved her, and we would get through it together. Love is blind, as they say....

Fast forward a few months, and I asked her to marry me. We had a beautiful wedding, with both of our families all showing up. She moved in with me, and everything was great. We had little up's and down, like all marriages do, but we were extremely happy together. Those first 6 months of marriage could possibly be the happiest time of my life. Then... it happened, the one thing I had put out of my mind in hopes that it never would. a little over 3 months ago, my wife suffered another episode of psychosis...

It started at about 8:00 at night, Jenni was saying things that didn't make any sense again. I thought it was probably her Bi-Polar acting up, so I tried to calm her down and get her to sleep. She refused to sleep, and her mental state rapidly started declining throughout the night. I did everything that worked in the past... Music, rubbed her with oils.... I tried everything. Then, at around 5:00 in the morning, it happened. She started screaming.... When I say screaming, I mean like the sound of someone looking at a monster. She started swinging her arms violently everywhere uncontrollably.... Hitting the walls, hurting her hands. She would go from extreme sobbing, to this laughing... something more like heckling that you would hear a possessed person do in horror movies. Then back to crying... to screaming. I was forced to hold her down to prevent her from harming herself. This went on for what seemed like days, even tho it was only 20 to 30 minutes. Finally, she stopped..... and what was left was nothing.

Her eyes were lifeless, it was like no one was home. She just laid there.... occasionally making some random laughing noise, or crying noise. Making random movements with her arms and legs. I immediately called for reinforcements and rushed her to the ER... At the ER they said there was nothing they could do for her, and that we needed to check her into a psych ward. I didn't want to do that, so I brought her home instead. The next morning, it happened again. The screaming... the violently swinging of the arms.... It was at this moment that I realized I couldn't take care of her, I needed professional help. So I admitted my wife, who was the best thing to ever happen to me, into a psych ward. I was only able to see her twice a week, for 1 hour at a time.... She rarely called me because her mental state went from completely gone... to barely functional. A month went by, and they felt like she was at a place where I could bring her home.

Fast forward to the present... right now.... It's been over 3 months, and my Jenni still isn't back. I've been a caretaker for the past 2 months, doing everything for her. I see occasional glimpses at times of her coming back. She can talk and have a conversation with me for a time, then I lose her again. I have never been so mentally exhausted in my entire life, I feel like a shell of who I used to be. It has come to the point, yesterday, that I could no longer handle it anymore. She relapsed again, and checked out from the world. No communication, walking around the house like a zombie. I had to call her family and ask them to take her, I just mentally can't handle it anymore. I spend my days in tears with what is like the loss of my wife. They say they believe she will come back again, but I just don't know what to believe.. I miss her so much, but all the doctors tell me the same thing that this will likely only get worse with time. I feel hopeless, I don't know what to do... I don't know why I'm even reaching out and writing this. I went from a happy person to one who carries a dark cloud with him wherever I go.
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Old 04-18-2019, 06:41 PM #2
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Hello Justin: Thank you for sharing this heartbreaking experience. I'm sorry your wife has become so ill & your marriage so seemingly hopeless. There isn't anything in particular I can offer with regard to what you have experienced. However I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So I wanted to at least let you know I read your post & say welcome to Psych Central.

At the end of your post, you wrote that you didn't know why you were reaching out & writing this. I think, when a person has had the kind of experience you've had, it's only natural to seek out others who may be in a position to understand. There's a lot of support available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members posts, the more a part of the community you will become. So I hope you will be able to find it within yourself to keep posting. My best wishes to both you & your wife.
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Old 04-19-2019, 09:01 AM #3
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Default Re: I Feel Hopeless

Thank you sheezyks for the kind reply, its just been so hard since shes been gone. Its one of those things where I miss her so much while shes gone, but I absolutely have to have time to recharge myself. Working two jobs and being a caretaker is incredibly taxing on me.

Last edited by atisketatasket; 04-19-2019 at 09:36 AM.
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