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sarahsweets
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Default Jul 06, 2019 at 03:03 AM
  #1
I stuck this here because the subject covers too many things for anywhere else and ultimately it has to do with my daughter. It will be very long so I hope you can make it through because I really need to get this out. I am venting and also looking for validation and support and gentle, kindly given advice if any needs to be given.

I will try not to rehash a story in case its known but I need to give context. I have three kids: (son, 23, stroke survivor- daughter, 19 the one I am talking about and daughter, 15 who seems to be doing ok) My 19 year old has always pushed limits and boundaries. Her senior year she turned 18 and ran away. It was a horrible experience because we were helpless. In a nut shell- we shut off her phone, took away her car, tried to mediate at the school and tried to not make is easy for her to do whatever she wanted. She was living with older party girls and their derelict mother and ended up getting kicked out, became an addict and showed up on our doorstep 3 months later. She had stopped going to school. We got her in the hospital (she is BP and needed her meds) and then she agreed to rehab. She came back from rehab and lived in the rehab-sponsored recovery housing while she completed the program. She has lived in a total of 4 sober houses along the way due to either issues with the housemates relapsing or affordability. She has had about 12 jobs since she turned 18 and it seems like when the job gets good, she just quits for something else or loses it. She has always been wrapped up in boys- always having boyfriends. I am an alcoholic in recovery and use a 12 step program like her so we both know about relationships in early sobriety not being a smart thing. (in most cases)

We let her use the car once she moved into a sober house because you have to have a job. She got her own phone. We still help her out from time to time but we dont support her and yet she doesnt really support herself either. She just celebrated a year of sobriety in May.

When she was in high school I took her to the doctor and got her on birth control (the 3 year implant). I knew she was having sex and she admitted it when I told her she should consider BC. I always told her she could come to me, even about sex. Acceptance does not mean approval but still I had to go to her. I didn't want her to get pregnant due to impulsive choices- this was when she was 16.

Fast forward to 19 and she has been needing to see a GYN- she lived 45 minutes south of me and we went back and forth about me making an appointment or giving her resources and she assured me she had an appointment when I asked. The guy she is with.....*sigh* not a winner. Newly sober, no car, no job (he just got one) got kicked out of his sober living due to nonpayment. He has no education, not just higher ed but high school as well.(* let me just say that I have nothing against anyone who does not go to college or what kind of job they have. I have been in AA long enough to see someone with nothing get everything and I believe miracles happen) but this guy is not the guy you will hear speaking at a meeting having straightened his life out.
She had us meet him about 2 months ago- nice enough and I was able to find out his history thanks to us both being in recovery and he was forthcoming. He is super into her and if being into someone counts as treating them well then he treats her well. No arguing or abuse.

Last Sunday she came to tell us- with him- that she was pregnant. My husband and I were silent for like 3 minutes. He saw my face and thought I would lose it. She asked if we were angry. I'll paraphrase but it went something like
Me:" I think we are beyond the point of being angry- what is your plan?"
Her: " I am going to apply for cash assistance, section 8 housing, food stamps and WIC."
Me: " That is the plan? What about J? What is his plan in this? What about your job and any sort of education? (she managed to graduate because she had good grades and they let her finish late) What about healthcare?" ( you get the idea)
There was no yelling but we were not happy, how could we be. She lives in a recovery house, cant support herself completely and neither can this guy. She brought up my husband and I getting married and having a baby when I was 20. I said " No offense J but what you and she have is not at all what hubby and I have- not even close. We were in a completely different situation".
I began to gather stuff for dinner and they stepped out to SMOKE.
She came in and told me that I had hurt his feelings by saying that and for a hot minute I snapped : " I do not give an F about his feelings or his fragile ego. I do not give an F if he likes how we feel or not. My concern is not him, its you. Its your body-not his". That is the only time I appeared angry. They decided to leave and I said we would talk later. She texted that night about how she thought it would go differently and tried to rope me into a texting conversation but I do not go back and forth via text. I call someone or meet with them if its important. Besides, how else did she expect it to go?
We were in shock. We went to see my mother and we all talked about how unrealistic she was being. Frankly these are the thoughts I had: " she is being selfish saying she wants this baby and having no way of planning for it, she wants me to swoop in to the rescue and offer to help her through it while cosigning the BS. She knows we would never turn our back on a helpless baby or grandchild but I do not want to raise another baby. She does not want to live home and we could never trust her here-at least not for a long time. I know she got pregnant on purpose. She has always wanted a baby-since she was a little girl. She knows unprotected sex leads to babies. Of course HE is happy and supportive- right now he doesnt have to DO anything" Stuff like that.

The next day we had a wedding to go to. As we were walking in she calls me crying and I told her I couldnt talk then and to call Mimi(my mom).
The next day Mimi told me that she calmed her down and that my daughter wasn't sure she should be with the guy and wasn't sure she should have the baby. None of us would ever tell her she should get an abortion- not our decision. (and please lets not debate the ethics of abortion, I am too worn out to defend myself right now-I personally couldn't do it but I believe women have the right to choose)

The following day we had her come over alone and had a more in depth conversation and her tune changed again. Now what she told my Mom was not the case. She did want to stay with J and they were in love and she was having the baby. So we told her we loved her and would do our best to support her but she needed to take the intitiative now by applying for all those programs and getting healthcare. What could we do? We love her and the baby would be helpless and the baby isnt responsible for its mothers' choices.

So when she left things seemed...better I guess.
That saturday she called. She had been in the hospital all night and miscarried. She was so upset and also the hormones made it worse. I was supportive and told her it just wasn't her time and that God took the choice out of her hands and there was no burdon.

When I hung up I was so relieved. Isn't that sick of me? I really believe that the choice was removed from her and made for her in her best interests. A baby would have changed her life forever and have been hard. She is not med compliant for her BP(she decides when she needs to go off them whenever she wants), she was resigning herself to poverty at the very least in the beginning. She has just a year sober and does not have her "s***" together in any sense of the word. There are a plethora of reasons why the miscarriage was "good". Not to mention she has chronic lymes disease and other GYN issues and frankly I think any pregnancy she does have with be hard for her physically.
But I love her and the mom in me wants to make it alright.
She has to follow up with the doc in a week and I offered to help her find one and suggested birth control like the implant and she was receptive but this was also when she was sobbing so who knows?

I do not know if I even need advice but I welcome perspectives. Am I a horrible mother? or person? or parents?
Did we handle it ok in any sort of way? Would handling it differently made it better or worse? Have any of you been in this situation?

I wont even begin to explain how this affected her siblings- there is not enough space to include them but they are in general hurt by her and have been for so long, this was just one more thing to put distance between them and her.
I truly ask that people be kind- even if you disagree. I feel very fragile myself and I do not want to feel worse.
Thank you all so much for reading.

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Default Jul 06, 2019 at 05:33 AM
  #2
I would have lost it many times had I had a situation like this with one of my children (both men's and women's lives are changed forever when we bring a baby into this world). It would have changed you and your husband's lives too because you would have ended up stepping in to help that grandbaby because your daughter and bf obviously aren't ready for this. The way you handled it shows that you care about your daughter and you cared about the well being of that grandchild that your daughter miscarried. I think way too much about what I should have done and said when my children make bad choices. It is unproductive and usually, I feel guilty about things I shouldn't feel guilty about. You have nothing to feel guilty of--try not to take responsibility for your daughter's choices. I am still learning not to feel responsible for my children's choices as well. We have to let them go and live for ourselves sometimes. We have a right to enjoy our lives too!

Never feel bad about your thoughts or feelings. They just are. You did nothing wrong. You may have other feelings about this too! Having lost a grandchild to a miscarriage is an emotional experience so you are likely going to have a lot of confusing thoughts about this. Try not to judge yourself so harshly! Just accept the emotions and thoughts and give yourself time to process this stressful event.
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Default Jul 06, 2019 at 11:34 AM
  #3
You could not have handled this better. You stayed in the moment, you were honest, you were kind. Those are all things we learn in recovery, and you stuck to those lessons, and were able to recognize when others around were acting out and you did not re-act to their acting out. My heart aches for you but holds and is proud of you at the same time.
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Default Jul 06, 2019 at 12:08 PM
  #4
OH I feel for you. You are not a bad mother, you are being there in the middle of trying circumstances. Your daughter doesn't seem to have much insight right now, just living from emotions to emotions. My daughter ( single child) was in her late 20's when she purposely got pregnant by her boyfriend who at the time they had separated and we're living in different cities. She BP and together they both used drugs and drank. She was doing good on her own, going to college and working, had her own apartment and was going to groups for sobriety. Then she got pregnant and they moved in together. He cleaned up his act and got a good job. They now have a second child but I still worry cause she has no job and no college degree, they are not married and if something happens she'll have no legal standing, no credit of her own. But what can I do? I think you're doing the best you can do and keep trying to use the wise mind when you point out options. I hope she gets BC soon, 19 is just too young when yer only a year sober and still making decisions from an emotional standpoint.

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sarahsweets
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Default Jul 08, 2019 at 02:59 PM
  #5
You are all being so nice and kind, thank you ,

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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 05:20 AM
  #6
I talked to her yesterday. After the miscarriage at the hospital She was told to follow up with an obgyn and she said she "had a doctor". I offered to get her in to the one her sister sees, pay the copay, get her back on birth control. She was vaguely receptive and I couldnt tell if it was just hormones talking or if she was blowing me off. She was also in the ER for bladder infection that was severe. I sent her money to pick up the script because she started a new job and hasnt gotten a paycheck yet.
She was supposed to call me Tuesday afternoon and let me know if she picked up her prescription. At 10 pm I get a text apologizing and that she would call me in the morning before work.

We began with light chat and then I asked her if she got the antibiotic. (she did). I asked her when her follow up appointment was because its been two weeks now. She said she didnt have one. She said the hospital confirmed that she was not pregnant anymore. I told her that she was supposed to go because sometimes they have to "clean" you out after a miscarriage. I asked her about birth control. She had nothing to say. I told her if she gets pregnant again then its deliberate because she knows what she has to do and that involves using a condom. She said "is this why you wanted me to call you?" I told her primarily I wanted to make sure she got her medicine but also yes. She agreed to come to family therapy tonight for the first time. We started going as a family when she first ran away. The therapist is very good and hopefully we get to air some things. But I am so upset over it all.

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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 11:19 AM
  #7
She sounds conflicted and not ready to fully adult.

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Default Jul 26, 2019 at 07:05 PM
  #8
Oh sarah I'm so sorry you had to go through this experience with your daughter! I think you handled your daughter and her boyfriend J very well. Your daughter sounds like she's really struggling to find herself and her place, and she's surrounded by negative people like this J guy who are distracting her from finding her true path.

There's nothing you could have done differently. I hope that she will give your family therapy a real chance time time. Hang in there! You're a great mom!
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