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SunriseCoco
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Trig Jul 22, 2019 at 02:13 PM
  #1
I'm in a long-distance relationship with a girl with bipolar II disorder, but three weeks ago she disappeared out of nowhere and hasn't been online since.

I'm very worried. Will she even be back? She's never done that to me before (we've been together for roughly three months now). She did mention that she had ghosted her previous boyfriend for a week in the past. It's been much longer than that now.

She mentioned she's very clingy, but she also stated that she moves on quickly. During a manic phase about two weeks prior before she disappeared she wanted to break up. After bombarding her with messages she came back to check how I was doing and stayed because she still had feelings for me. After that we had a great week with no mood swings on her part, which was rather unusual.

But now she's gone and I haven't heard from her nor have I seen her.

What can I do? Do I just wait and hope she'll be back? Will she be back?

As much as I think I have a good understanding of how her mind works by now (given how I struggle with OCD and depression myself, especially now), I still find it very difficult to understand her completely.

I'm also very worried she might hurt herself since she already attempted suicide some years ago.

Any insights or advice are welcome.

Last edited by atisketatasket; Jul 22, 2019 at 02:21 PM.. Reason: added trigger icon
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Default Jul 22, 2019 at 04:58 PM
  #2
I’m sorry your dealing with this. It’s a scary situation.

I’ll just go ahead and ask ... Have you met face to face ? You say long distance but many people start out with just a online relationship which is fine, I met my husband online.

I’m going to type out what’s likely to be a unpopular opinion here. But I think it needs said.

You only have 3 months invested into this. She’s already disappeared once, she’s admitted she’s clingy but yet doesn’t stick around long ? When people tell you who they are it’s best to BELIEVE them.

I personal would cut my losses and find someone that you can physically be with, do things with.

I’m not saying 2 people with mental illness can’t make a relationship work, but at 3 months it should still be the happy “ honeymoon phase”

Good luck

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Default Jul 23, 2019 at 11:31 AM
  #3
We haven't met face to face yet, but I still feel like we formed a rather strong bond in that time. I felt closer to her than to my previous girlfriend who've I met physically and been with for almost a year.
I know it's easy to think such a relationship isn't worth pursuing, but I don't think it's possible for us to even have such a flawless honeymoon phase given our disorders. I feel like our struggles only helped us get closer together.

I don't take her disappearance as a sign she's fed up with this relationship, or as a lack of clinginess. It just comes to show her instability and the severity of her disorder.

I'm not thinking about moving on; I neither want that nor could live with the thought I'd promise someone my loyalty only to break that promise as soon as things get difficult.
I just wish to know if there's something I could do for her. I'm particularly interested in what other bipolar people might have to add to this. I really want to understand her and help her the best I can, even if it means giving her the alone time she needs.
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Default Jul 23, 2019 at 03:17 PM
  #4
I agree with Christina. Cut your losses.

I've been sitting here thinking how to respond to this, since, from what you describe, bipolar has little to nothing to do with the situation. She's got something else going on, and it's something you'd do well not to waste your time with. Ghosting/disappearing acts are manipulative games. As is making you worry she'd hurt herself. Let's see, clingy, moves on quickly, mind games.... this is not good, and cannot be laid at the feet of bipolar. Also, that she managed to go a whole week without a mood swing? This would not even be worth mentioning with bipolar. We aren't constantly changing on a dime, public misconception notwithstanding.

In the midst of typing this, I have seen your response to Christina. I'll have to address that separately.

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Default Jul 23, 2019 at 03:48 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunriseCoco View Post
We haven't met face to face yet, but I still feel like we formed a rather strong bond in that time. I felt closer to her than to my previous girlfriend who've I met physically and been with for almost a year.
I know it's easy to think such a relationship isn't worth pursuing, but I don't think it's possible for us to even have such a flawless honeymoon phase given our disorders. I feel like our struggles only helped us get closer together.

I don't take her disappearance as a sign she's fed up with this relationship, or as a lack of clinginess. It just comes to show her instability and the severity of her disorder.

I'm not thinking about moving on; I neither want that nor could live with the thought I'd promise someone my loyalty only to break that promise as soon as things get difficult.
I just wish to know if there's something I could do for her. I'm particularly interested in what other bipolar people might have to add to this. I really want to understand her and help her the best I can, even if it means giving her the alone time she needs.
The only thing I can really get behind here is the severity of her disorder. And I don't mean bipolar.

You promised your loyalty this soon to someone you've never even met IRL?? I'm sorry to be blunt, but that seems foolish. You.don't.know.her. You don't even know if she is who she represents herself to be. This person could very well be catfishing. You do not know. It is better to "go back on" a hastily made promise than to torment yourself with a mistake.

I'm sorry that you don't think it's possible to have a "flawless" honeymoon phase on account of disorders. And that you consider this impossible even without the reality complications of having actually met??!

Where is her concern for YOU in all this? Nowhere, that's where.

Please heed the red flags. There are plenty. I suspect I'm wasting my time in saying this, and you will think I don't understand, but trust me, I do.

Btw, yes, I have bipolar. As does Christina.

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Default Jul 24, 2019 at 09:34 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Innerzone View Post
Ghosting/disappearing acts are manipulative games. As is making you worry she'd hurt herself. Let's see, clingy, moves on quickly, mind games.... this is not good, and cannot be laid at the feet of bipolar.
She might have other disorders as well, but that's the only one she was diagnosed with.

She never made an effort to trick me into believing she'll hurt herself if I don't cooperate, and I'm not sure why you'd immediately jump to the conclusion she's just playing games, even if this behavior is unrelated to being bipolar.

You might not believe me, but I feel I have a pretty good understanding when someone is trying to manipulate me. It has happened to me before.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Innerzone View Post
Also, that she managed to go a whole week without a mood swing? This would not even be worth mentioning with bipolar. We aren't constantly changing on a dime, public misconception notwithstanding.
I should've phrased that part better. It was unusual for her to be this uplifted for an entire week, without any doubts or signs of depression showing up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Innerzone View Post
You promised your loyalty this soon to someone you've never even met IRL?? I'm sorry to be blunt, but that seems foolish. You.don't.know.her. You don't even know if she is who she represents herself to be. This person could very well be catfishing. You do not know. It is better to "go back on" a hastily made promise than to torment yourself with a mistake.
Frankly, I'm kind of tired of this argument. If you stick to text, you might be right, but it's definitely possible to get a good understanding of eachother when you spend a lot of time on video calls, without actually meeting in person.

I've been manipulated and taken advantage of in the past by someone I knew in real life, whereas some of my most long-lasting friendships have been almost exclusively online.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be cautious on the internet, but you're oversimplifying things here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Innerzone View Post
Where is her concern for YOU in all this? Nowhere, that's where.
I don't mind your bluntness, but I find it rather irritating you would call someone out on not knowing a person, while making assumptions yourself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Innerzone View Post
Please heed the red flags. There are plenty.
There are plenty of red flags about me as well. I'm not the kind of person that writes off a person because they have severe mental issues that most people would not put up with.
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Default Jul 27, 2019 at 04:36 AM
  #7
Maybe you do not need an answer. Maybe she did indeed ghost you. I hate that ghosting is a thing now in days but it is. Its incredibly selfish and worrisome to the person you are ghosting. Lets say she contacts you tomorrow, would you accept whatever excuse she gave you?

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Default Jul 27, 2019 at 09:01 AM
  #8
I am increasingly worried she might've indeed ended her own life.

If she came back, I would accept her excuse, whatever it is. Perhaps it's foolish. It might be selfish on her part if she just ghosted me for this long, but I always try to see things from the person's point of view.
I know it's hard to keep the feelings of those close to you in mind when you hit rock bottom yourself. It might be no excuse, but I wouldn't interpret it as a fact she doesn't care for me.
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Default Jul 31, 2019 at 12:11 AM
  #9
Well you have been given lots of advice based off the information you yourself provided.

People have taken time to read this and taken time to respond so I hope your not just blowing it all off. Maybe at least entertain a few things we have pointed out.

But ultimately it’s up to you what you will and will not accept from someone you have allowed into your life.

Good luck in whatever happens

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Default Jul 31, 2019 at 11:41 AM
  #10
I'm not quite sure what kind of advice I expected. I guess all I wanted to hear was confirmation she'll be back soon. But the more I think about it, the less likely it seems to me.

Perhaps I shouldn't brush off the advice, but I guess I'm just too clingy for my own good. I've never been good with letting go, and it takes ages for me to move on with life. Perhaps it has to do with my own disorder always blaming me for whatever goes wrong. It's why I have no issues with staying loyal to the person I'm with and giving them my unconditional support.

Especially after thinking I've met an equal for the first time in my life, I can't just throw it away. Let alone while still this uncertain.
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