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Matr0shka
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Default Jul 30, 2019 at 03:08 PM
  #1
My mother has a number mental health issues which from my research, seem to be a blend of the following:

Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Anorexia

Her symptoms are extreme. She's currently living with my grandparents, who are in their late 70's. She's lived with them for about 5 years, and before that, she lived alone for 2 years - didn't work out and she moved back in with my grandparents. Before that 2 years, she lived with them for 4 years and before that, she left my dad to live on her own with my brothers, who paid all of the bills and worked. After my brothers went their separate ways and got their own apartment, she lived in her van at an abandoned house. My granparents found out because family members were complaining that she was calling and begging them for money, so they took her in. Before that, she lived with my dad, before they divorced.

Some of the behaviors she exhibits:
- Extreme anorexia - she weighs maybe 85lbs. She steals food constantly and chews and spits food and tries to hide it in the trash
She refuses to bathe - she has never been clean, and even lost all of her teeth due to poor hygiene and alcohol and smoking addictions
- She steals - she steals money and food from my grandparents (my grandmother has to sleep with her money and checkbook to keep it safe). My grandmother has to lock up money and food or she will chew and spit all the food in the house within a week. She also steals pills that my grandfather needs to live (he currently has galbladder cancer)
- She lies - she lies about looking for jobs and why she keeps getting fired from jobs, and she lies about where she goes and who she's with
- She has started and stopped several different college degrees over the past 15 years and racked up considerable debt that she refuses to pay back
- She's an alcoholic - if she can't get regular liquor, she will settle for mouthwash. We've even caught her siphoning diesel out of my dad's work truck to drink when no one would give her wine or beer - and she has gotten behind the wheel of a car while drunk on mouthwash and damaged my grandparent's vehicles, but she's never been "officially" caught driving drunk
- She's extremely jealous and clingy in relationships and generally latches on to other addicts who she thinks will support her. she periodically runs off with men like this, and then comes back to my grandparents a month later when they kick her out
- She has no respect for others' property - she's wrecked 2 of my grandparents' cars and she tracks food, dirt, body odors and fluids, cigarette butts and ashes everywhere she goes
- She's extremely defensive - when confronted about stealing or lying or destroying someones stuff - even if you catch her in the middle of it, she will deny it and blame everyone around her for being unfair and accusing her all the time
- She makes up illnesses for attention - if there's someone sick, she has to be sicker.
- She trashes my grandparents to anyone who will listen, while she lives on their limited income, destroys their property and steals their money.
- When she's angry, she follows whoever she's angry with around the house and yells and screams and rants. When I was a kid, she would do this, then run to the car screaming that she was going to kill herself and then disappear for a couple of hours
- She periodically threatens suicide but I've never seen her actually attempt it

My grandfather has late-stage gallbladder cancer and is currently going through chemo and radiation. My grandmother is dealing with that, plus trying to manage my mother while keeping some of these details hidden from my grandfather to keep his stress level down. They've put my mother on medication before after having her diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but now my mother refuses to go back to the doctor and refuses to renew her medication prescription because she doesn't think she has a problem.

Part of me wants to take her in and give my grandmother some relief from this situation, but I know my mother will destroy everything I have and steal from me too. She's 54 years old and getting worse. I don't think she will get better unless she is involuntarily committed, but I don't know if that's a possibility short of her actually trying to harm someone.

I'm really struggling between wanting to help her and wanting nothing to do with her. I know this isn't normal behavior and she's sick, but I can't help but dislike her, especially after a childhood of verbal, emotional and physical abuse with her. I want to help her and at the same time, help my grandparents, but I absolutely dread and hate being around my mother to the point that it makes me physically ill.

Has anyone had a relative like this, or had to involuntarily commit a parent relative? I'm at a loss for what else can be done. If they kick her out, she will definitely be homeless.

Please advise.
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Smile Jul 31, 2019 at 04:39 PM
  #2
Hello Matr0shka: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central I have not been in the type of situation you describe. So I can't be of any help with regard to your dilemma. But I noticed no one had yet replied to your post. So I thought I would.

Based on what you wrote, it sounds as though your mother is seriously ill... probably too ill even be able to make the decision to seek the treatment she needs let alone follow through. So the only possible solution I would see would be for you, or perhaps another family member, to seek legal guardianship over her. Then you, or whoever became her guardian, would have the legal right to make decisions regarding her care. I think the first step in this process might be to consult an attorney where you live who is knowledgeable regarding legal guardianship in North Carolina.

Another alternative, I presume, (without knowing anything about how guardianship works in N.C.) would be to have the state department of human services become the guardian. Sometimes, I believe, there are also private companies that provide guardianship services under contract to a state's department of human services. But I don't know if that sort of thing occurs in N.C.

Here's a link to the North Carolina DHHS website on the subject of legal guardianship:

NC DHHS: Guardianship and Alternatives to Guardianship

My best wishes to you & your family.

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Default Aug 05, 2019 at 08:13 AM
  #3
The first and very important thing, is to you talk with her.

Talk with her in a very calm way, ask her, she needs to feel heard. Kindness could work.

So she can open up and then be a bit more receptive about you saying the things you see she is not doing very good.

But that, talk a lot with her. If she is too erratic and doesnt listen, sorry, nothing you can do, but try to talk all things with her.
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Default Aug 11, 2019 at 05:23 AM
  #4
@Matr0shka Wow, I just saw this. The whole situation sounds toxic. I do not think you should take your mother in under any circumstances. I do not think your grandparents should put up with it. What are the consequences for her behavior? The stealing, lying, chaotic behavior? I think if your grandparents do not set boundaries she will have no reason to change. If you take her in you are signing up for alcoholic misery and I do not believe it is good for you. I personally think she needs to be given the choice: rehab or leaving. She will never change otherwise and she will cause stress no matter where she is.

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