advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
kumy
Grand Magnate
 
kumy's Avatar
kumy is looking for freedom
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: hanging from a cloud
Posts: 3,002
3 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Sep 18, 2019 at 07:35 PM
  #1
I'm sorry about this post. I'm just looking for somebody to tell me that things will get better.

My father has been diagnosed with lung cancer, stage 4. It has already spread to the brain. He was an alcoholic for decades, so his liver is not functioning well either.
I live with him and my mother. My brother lives here 4/5 days a week too.
The situation at home is really stressful. My father can't do anything by himself. He is in a wheelchair. He can't go to the bathroom. He would be just lying in bed almost all day if it depended on him. We got him up everyday, which is a continuos fight because he starts yelling and insulting us since he doesn't want.
The tumours in his brain are affecting his personality and his mood. There is shouting all the time. He doesn't want to eat or drink. And my mom is crying all the time because of the insults.

Possible trigger:

and I need to know that it will get better and that I will be happy again and that things will be well in the near future.
kumy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3, Skeezyks, Sometimes psychotic, zapatoes

advertisement
Raindropvampire
smiling musical soul
 
Raindropvampire's Avatar
Raindropvampire tired of being tired
 
Member Since: Mar 2010
Location: Indy
Posts: 43,373 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
1,837 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Sep 18, 2019 at 09:18 PM
  #2
I went through this watching my granny die. Her personality changed for the worse and she fought any and all help. It was heartbreaking but it does get better. Just hang in there.

__________________
I think I need help 'cause I'm drowning in myself. It's sinking in, I can't pretend that I ain't been through hell. I think I need help---Papa Roach
Raindropvampire is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
kumy
kumy
Grand Magnate
 
kumy's Avatar
kumy is looking for freedom
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: hanging from a cloud
Posts: 3,002
3 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Sep 19, 2019 at 06:00 AM
  #3
Thanks, Rain. I will try to hold on to that...
kumy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Raindropvampire
kumy
Grand Magnate
 
kumy's Avatar
kumy is looking for freedom
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: hanging from a cloud
Posts: 3,002
3 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Sep 20, 2019 at 12:15 PM
  #4
I hope nobody minds if I start using this thread for venting.
Today he had an appt. with palliative care. It didn't go well. Aside from the physical aspect, he told the doctor that we hid his gun. So, aparently, he has been looking for it and it doesn't take a genius to guess the reason. So now we have to be really careful about what we leave at his reach and all that *****.
kumy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
CANDC, SlumberKitty
kumy
Grand Magnate
 
kumy's Avatar
kumy is looking for freedom
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: hanging from a cloud
Posts: 3,002
3 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Sep 21, 2019 at 12:18 PM
  #5
Today it's been really stressful. He has been shouting all day long for everything. He shouts because he doesn't want to drink, he shouts because he doesn't want to get up, he shouts because he doesn't want to eat, he shouts because he doesn't want to take his pills, he shouts because he doesn't want us to talk to him. He threw a plate at me when I told him that I was not goignt to take him to bed until he took all of the pills.
I'm tired of the shouts and the insults and all this sick environment. Sometimes I wish for him to die and I feel like *****. T told me that it's normal to feel that way and that it doesn't make me a bad person, but I still feel that way. I'm horrible and
Possible trigger:
.
kumy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SlumberKitty
TimTheEnchanter
Member
 
TimTheEnchanter's Avatar
TimTheEnchanter I am a figment of your imagination
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: California
Posts: 345
8 yr Member
142 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Sep 21, 2019 at 12:32 PM
  #6
I am sorry, I wish I could tell you that things will get better but it looks like he is going to die. As far as you, if you are not a caregiving type, you will find this hard to endure. I suggest removing yourself partially and visit and help when you are up to it. It is hard, I could tell you to force yourself and be a good daughter and suffer but I know I was in your shoes once upon a time. Both my parents died of cancer, in ages or early to mid-seventies. I am still guilty of not forcing myself to take care of my mother but I could not have unless I had made drastic changes in my life, like moving across the Atlantic, quitting my job and my girlfriend. Not everyone cut out for this. Be well and I am with you in my thoughts.
P.S. Dying is happening in phases and now your father is angry and fighting mode, soon he will resign and accept it, then your situation at home will get slightly better.
Hospice Patients Alliance - Signs of Approaching
Death


Quote:
Originally Posted by kumy View Post
I'm sorry about this post. I'm just looking for somebody to tell me that things will get better.

My father has been diagnosed with lung cancer, stage 4. It has already spread to the brain. He was an alcoholic for decades, so his liver is not functioning well either.
I live with him and my mother. My brother lives here 4/5 days a week too.
The situation at home is really stressful. My father can't do anything by himself. He is in a wheelchair. He can't go to the bathroom. He would be just lying in bed almost all day if it depended on him. We got him up everyday, which is a continuos fight because he starts yelling and insulting us since he doesn't want.
The tumours in his brain are affecting his personality and his mood. There is shouting all the time. He doesn't want to eat or drink. And my mom is crying all the time because of the insults.

Possible trigger:

and I need to know that it will get better and that I will be happy again and that things will be well in the near future.

__________________
Cyclothiamia - on Depakote with occasional Thorazine for severe insomnia.
TimTheEnchanter is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
kumy
kumy
Grand Magnate
 
kumy's Avatar
kumy is looking for freedom
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: hanging from a cloud
Posts: 3,002
3 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Sep 21, 2019 at 03:08 PM
  #7
Thanks, Tim. I know that he is going to die. What I needed to know is that all this fighting and aggressiveness is going to end. He doesn't know (at least nobody told him) that he has cancer and that he is dying, but I think that subconsciously he's realized and maybe that's what he is fighting against.
I was already living with them (although I was on the process of renting a house) when he got hospitalized and diagnosed, and my mother was a nervous wreck so I postponed it. Actually, although leaving will be the best for me in the short term, I know that I will regret that decision later on. So I will stay here. I don't think he has many more months left...

P.S. I'm sorry about both your parents. I'm sure you did the best with the circunstances that you were living. I wish life were simple and that decisions were balck or white, but they aren't.
kumy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
TimTheEnchanter
Raindropvampire
smiling musical soul
 
Raindropvampire's Avatar
Raindropvampire tired of being tired
 
Member Since: Mar 2010
Location: Indy
Posts: 43,373 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
1,837 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Sep 22, 2019 at 01:50 AM
  #8
please please don't beat yourself up for any thoughts you have. I had the same thoughts about my grandmother. Even towards the end when she got easier to deal with. Then I just wanted her suffering to end. You are only human and in a no win situation that is highly stressful. I hope your dad's anger diminishes soon. I think all caretakers at one point or another for whatever reason have wished that. It does not make you a bad person.

__________________
I think I need help 'cause I'm drowning in myself. It's sinking in, I can't pretend that I ain't been through hell. I think I need help---Papa Roach
Raindropvampire is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
kumy
kumy
Grand Magnate
 
kumy's Avatar
kumy is looking for freedom
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: hanging from a cloud
Posts: 3,002
3 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Sep 22, 2019 at 05:32 PM
  #9
Thanks. Today it was a little bit better. He didn't want to get up and we didn't want to fight, so we let him be. We gave him all his pills in bed and only forced him to get up for lunch. The rest of the day he was in bed. The doctors told us that we shouldn't allow it, but I guess that we needed a break.
kumy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
CANDC, Raindropvampire, SlumberKitty, TimTheEnchanter
 
Thanks for this!
CANDC
kumy
Grand Magnate
 
kumy's Avatar
kumy is looking for freedom
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: hanging from a cloud
Posts: 3,002
3 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Sep 26, 2019 at 11:07 AM
  #10
On Tuesday he had convulsions again. Doctors told us that, if that happened again, we would interrupt the treatment. So I'm not looking forward to his next appointment.
He didn't eat anything yesterday and he still hasn't eaten today.
We're not sure if he is having hallucinations. He was talking to my mum, she was really quiet and, suddenly, my dad told her "can you stop interrupting me?"
Anyway, hope he remains like this until his appointment next week.
kumy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
CANDC
kumy
Grand Magnate
 
kumy's Avatar
kumy is looking for freedom
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: hanging from a cloud
Posts: 3,002
3 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Sep 28, 2019 at 12:52 PM
  #11
He is having lots of troubles with his long time memory and with the temporal and spatial location.
We had to connect him to an intravenous line. I feel that everything is going downhill so quickly...
On Tuesday we have an appointment with the oncologist. I hope things get better.
kumy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
possum220, Raindropvampire, SlumberKitty, zapatoes
Raindropvampire
smiling musical soul
 
Raindropvampire's Avatar
Raindropvampire tired of being tired
 
Member Since: Mar 2010
Location: Indy
Posts: 43,373 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
1,837 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Oct 01, 2019 at 11:42 PM
  #12
Just wanted to check in to see how you are doing

__________________
I think I need help 'cause I'm drowning in myself. It's sinking in, I can't pretend that I ain't been through hell. I think I need help---Papa Roach
Raindropvampire is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
kumy
kumy
Grand Magnate
 
kumy's Avatar
kumy is looking for freedom
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: hanging from a cloud
Posts: 3,002
3 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Oct 03, 2019 at 08:31 AM
  #13
I'm sorry, Rain. These last few days were like a rollercoaster and I was not in the mood to write in here.
The oncologist decided to stop all treatment against the cancer because there was not a visible improvement. He said that there was no point in continuing.
My father told him that he feels better which, don't get me wrong, is completely insane. I'm delight that he feels fine, but I guess that we have different definitions of "fine".
Now we're waiting for the appointment to have a tomography of his brain done, but it will probably be a month before we have the results.
kumy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Raindropvampire, SlumberKitty
kumy
Grand Magnate
 
kumy's Avatar
kumy is looking for freedom
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: hanging from a cloud
Posts: 3,002
3 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Oct 13, 2019 at 06:49 PM
  #14
We're in the hospital right now. We don't know what happened to him, but the best guess right now is a stroke. My head is a mess...
kumy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
possum220, Raindropvampire, SlumberKitty, TimTheEnchanter, zapatoes
Raindropvampire
smiling musical soul
 
Raindropvampire's Avatar
Raindropvampire tired of being tired
 
Member Since: Mar 2010
Location: Indy
Posts: 43,373 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
1,837 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Oct 14, 2019 at 01:25 AM
  #15
I'm so sorry Kumy

__________________
I think I need help 'cause I'm drowning in myself. It's sinking in, I can't pretend that I ain't been through hell. I think I need help---Papa Roach
Raindropvampire is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
kumy
possum220
Legendary
 
possum220's Avatar
possum220 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2009
Location: Uppa Gumtree West
Posts: 19,397 (SuperPoster!)
15 yr Member
7,983 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Oct 15, 2019 at 05:34 AM
  #16
My thoughts are with you. It's horrid when our parents get so sick.
possum220 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
kumy
CANDC
Super Moderator
Community Support Team
Community Liaison
Chat Leader
 
CANDC's Avatar
CANDC has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2014
Location: Northeast USA New England
Posts: 17,322 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
2,307 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Oct 15, 2019 at 10:21 PM
  #17
Hi kumy. I am sorry for the anticipated loss of your father. That must be rough. Hearing all the anger can make us take it on but there are ways to not react and not blame ourselves for our parent's acting out. It is not easy but there is life after death.

When my dad died 3 years ago, the hardest thing was that it was over, my hope of having the kind of relationship I hoped for was over. But the struggle and expectations were over too. Then I had to reinvent me. Not the child of my father, who am I? And what can I do in life to make other's lives better? Thinking of others took me away from dwelling on my own pain.

I started to self care more by exercise, yoga, mindfulness, volunteering and grief support groups. All this started me on the road to recovery.

The hardest thing about my dad dying was that I realized much more fully that I will die too someday. So the question for me became how can I live so I do not look back on my death bed with bitterness or anger, but instead with knowing I did the best I can.

These articles may be of interest
Coping With What You Can't Control

How Narcissists Exploit Cancer and Every Other Ailment

The Need for Family Therapy After Cancer

Depression in Cancer Patients

__________________
Super Moderator
Community Support Team

"Things Take Time"
CANDC is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
kumy
 
Thanks for this!
possum220
kumy
Grand Magnate
 
kumy's Avatar
kumy is looking for freedom
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: hanging from a cloud
Posts: 3,002
3 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Oct 18, 2019 at 07:17 AM
  #18
Thanks, CANDC, for the articles and your response. You put in words some of the things that are going through my mind that I couldn't name.
kumy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
CANDC
CANDC
Super Moderator
Community Support Team
Community Liaison
Chat Leader
 
CANDC's Avatar
CANDC has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2014
Location: Northeast USA New England
Posts: 17,322 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
2,307 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Oct 19, 2019 at 11:16 PM
  #19
kumy I am sorry this time is so stressful for you. It must be rough to go through all this.

Self harm does give temporary relief but leaves physical and emotional scars. Having a therapist can help deal with the stressors you are under.

These articles may be of interest
Self-Harm: Legitimate Coping Skill or a Silent Scream for Help?

Self-Harm: The Myths & the Facts | Embracing Balance

Feel free to PM me if you think it might help. I am not an expert but I have navigated the loss of a couple people very close to me. What you are going through is painful but there is life on the other side of the pain. You may have to reinvent who you think you are, but it is possible to go through stages of grief and find ways to cope with all our raw emotions.

please include the following tag in any reply concerning this post so I get an alert to see your post: @CANDC thank you!

__________________
Super Moderator
Community Support Team

"Things Take Time"
CANDC is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Raindropvampire
smiling musical soul
 
Raindropvampire's Avatar
Raindropvampire tired of being tired
 
Member Since: Mar 2010
Location: Indy
Posts: 43,373 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
1,837 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Oct 27, 2019 at 09:20 PM
  #20
Kumy, how are things going?

__________________
I think I need help 'cause I'm drowning in myself. It's sinking in, I can't pretend that I ain't been through hell. I think I need help---Papa Roach
Raindropvampire is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:10 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.