Trying to figure out what's wrong with my bf

Hi all
It's my first post on here because I am at my wits end and need some help.

I have always been very sure my boyfriend is autistic (Asperger's) because of the things he does, but there's more to it than that.

I don't think he's bipolar, but there are times he gets so angry and it comes out of nowhere. He will take everything I say to him wrong, scream, get in my face, punch/hit himself in the face, say *horrible* cruel things to me (never physically violent with me), etc. Sometimes this can last for 2-3 days at a stretch. When he calms back down he apologizes and knows it wasnt okay but I can tell by the way he talks he never fully grasps how bad he was and always thinks he had a somewhat valid reason to get as angry as he did. If he even fully accepts how angry that was.

I have been putting up with it for years but recently it's been getting worse and more frequent. When he says untrue or hurtful things in the moment I can't say anything about it because he'll get even more pissed off and accuse me of 'making everything all about me' , and he just cant be reasoned with in that state, and i am afraid to bring it up when he's calm because I dont want to set him off again.

He has gotten kicked out of every place he's been in and lost his family because of his explosive temper. He really is like 2 different people.

He's not good at taking care of himself and has no one left that will put up with him, so if I kicked him out he'd become homeless (as he's been before), and I really think I'd be the breaking point for him if I did that to him, so I feel extremely stuck.

He also has *extremely* strong opinions about doctors and mental health, thinks any medication for mental health will make him suicidal and refuses to even broach the topic .

How do you deal with someone who you love dearly but can't stand half of the time if you can't openly talk to them? And does anyone know what might be wrong with him, and how it can get better if he will not accept any kind of help for it? Im sorry my post is kind of long and rambling, we just recently got over a particularly bad episode that I am still reeling from, he thinks we're fine, I am still hurting and angry and at a loss for what to do.

I know this has been a life long issue for him because his mother has had him committed /called the cops on him several times before just finally washing her hands completely . When he's being calm and sweet my heart breaks for him that everyone he's ever known has turned their back on him. When he's in one of these fits, I can fully understand why they have.

Well you can’t force someone to see a Doctor or Therapist but you can decide that you simply have had enough and give an ultimatum.

“You seek help or this relationship will end , I deserve love and respect and you are abusive, please seek medical care or find a new place to live”

He will likely throw a fit , so what !

You are not responsible for his mental health only your own and he is damaging it.

You deserve better.

Hi Jannabelle. I am sorry your are suffering trying to take care of this person that presents you with so many challenges. It helps to have some leverage. Something that really matters to them that they may lose if they do not get help.

The problem I have had with ultimatums is they usually only start a fight and do not get any closer to a solution.

The problem I had was the person was not able to reason or discuss. Sometimes the only way a change happens is for them to be hospitalized because a threat to themselves or others. If you are not feeling safe that is a sign that things are very difficult and you need help. At the least try to get yourself a therapist and they can guide you more carefully how to navigate the mindfield. If you are feeling threatened then you may need to consider having a safety plan how you can get to a safe place and or how to get the police there.

I like the safety plan because the police can come and they can act "normal" and then revert when police leave. Do you have family or friends you could go to by yourself to self care. The most difficult thing dealing with people who are not reasonable is that can lead to burnout. Having a yoga class, support group (like NAMI.org) or other activities that keep you in your own life and feeling good can really make a difference.

Of course if you really see nothing to keep you in the relationship then having an exit plan where you extract yourself and your valuables from the situation. You do not owe them an explanation in advance. Get to some place you feel safe and phone them you have to take care of your mother or friend for a while and you will call them regularly if that is part of how you want things.

These articles may be of interest
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationship-corner/2017/05/recognizing-a-psychotic-break-16-warning-signs/

https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/04/13/can-i-recover-from-my-husbands-psychosis/