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Old 04-06-2020, 10:09 AM   #1
cars123
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Trig My wife hates her daughter

I really need some help and advice, Im sure my wife is bipolar or schizophrenic, she has real issues with her 12 year daughter/my step daughter, her moods change quickly to getting nasty to the both of us, but more to my step daughter even to the point where she told her
Possible trigger:
obviously my step daughter doesn't know that or her real father. she's never shown her any kind of affection or love. now her moods are unbearable every 2 or 3 days we fall out over stupid stuff like not getting the washing in or Ive said something wrong and she wont speak to me for 2 days, and then shes a happy lovely person.
Its honestly like I'm married to 2 different people and can change in seconds.
We have a 2 year old boy who she loves and show affection too and another baby on the way. This is why I feel so guilty for my step daughter
Please help

Last edited by bluekoi; 04-06-2020 at 06:36 PM.. Reason: Add trigger icon. Apply trigger code.
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Old 04-07-2020, 11:23 AM   #2
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Default Re: My wife hates her daughter

Dear cars123,

I am so very, very sorry your family is in the situation you describe. It is really just heartbreaking. Wish I had some profound insight to share, but sadly I lack such wisdom. Do you think professional help with a Family Therapist would be helpful? I have heard that there are family therapists who specialize in complex family difficulties but I have had no personal experience in this area.

My apologies for being unable to be helpful to you. Hopefully others will prove more helpful. My heart goes out to you and your whole family!

Sincerely yours, -- Yao Wen
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Old 04-07-2020, 03:21 PM   #3
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Hello cars: Welcome to Psych Central. Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC.

You wrote that you need some help & advice regarding your wife's behavior toward her daughter (your step-daughter) who was the result of rape. I don't know as I'm the best member here on PC to do that. But I'll offer you my thoughts regarding what you wrote. You mentioned you thought your wife must be bipolar or schizophrenic. I'm not a mental health professional. (Most of us here on PC are not.) But, personally, I don't feel you should jump to the conclusion that your wife has a particular mental illness. Mental health diagnosis is for mental health professionals. And my personal opinion is that we all toss mental-health-related terms around too loosely.

To my mind, the overwhelming issue here may well be that your wife was raped & bore a child as a result of that rape. This is a huge factor with regard to how she's treating your step-daughter I would presume. You didn't mention if your wife has ever had any kind of trauma therapy related to her rape experience. But, if not, that is the thing that really needs to happen here it seems to me. Perhaps as a part of that process, it will be determined your wife has one or more mental health diagnoses. But that is, it seems to me, more of a side issue at the moment.

Of course, assuming your wife hasn't dealt with the trauma she experienced, (& it doesn't sound as though she has even if she did receive some kind of mental health services at some point or other) there's no way you can force her to do what she needs to do in order to heal. As our host, Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D. has written: "Denial is a powerful Impediment to Treatment." However (again in my personal opinion) until your wife comes to terms with what happened to her, & how it has affected her since, I'm not sure there is much you can do to have a positive impact on the situation other than to continue to be a loving & supportive presence in your step-daughter's life &, perhaps, see to it (if you can) that she receives the mental health services she's going to need in order to repair the damage that has been done to her & will continue to be done until her mother is able to heal herself.

Here are links to 7 articles from Psych Central's archives. The first 4 are on the subjects of healing from sexual assault & the effects of trauma. Next there's a link to an article that discusses how to talk to someone who always gets defensive (just in case that's a problem you encounter.) Then there's a link to an article that discusses how to persuade your loved one to seek professional help. And lastly there's a link to an article that talks about how to help a loved one who is in denial:

Healing from Sexual Assault

Building Empowerment After Sexual Assault

Dealing with Sexual Trauma: 3 Phases

7 Signs Trauma Has You Stuck

How to Talk to Someone Who Always Gets Defensive

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...essional-help/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-way...-denial/?all=1

My best wishes to you & your family. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

P.S. Here's a link to DocJohn's article on helping a family member get help:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/helping...et-help/?all=1
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Old 04-07-2020, 05:14 PM   #4
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In giving further thought to your post, there is one additional area I failed to address in my first reply. That is the likelihood of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) in your wife. So here are links to 4 articles, also from PC's archives, on that subject:

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) | Psych Central

Associated Conditions of PTSD

How Does PTSD Affect Relationships?

Understanding the Effects of Trauma: Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

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Old 05-17-2020, 10:24 PM   #5
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Default Re: My wife hates her daughter

I am A LOT harder on my girl than my boy. And my girl annoys me whereas my boy is my baby. It’s awful. The best thing she can do is take care of herself to level her moods. And your step daughter should know when to keep her distance when her mom is in a mood. Good luck..!
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Old 05-18-2020, 01:04 AM   #6
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Default Re: My wife hates her daughter

I also do not think you should jump to the conclusion that she has a mental illness. Especially because there are quite a few differences those two mental illnesses.
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Old 05-18-2020, 08:48 PM   #7
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Default Re: My wife hates her daughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by cars123 View Post
I really need some help and advice, Im sure my wife is bipolar or schizophrenic, she has real issues with her 12 year daughter/my step daughter, her moods change quickly to getting nasty to the both of us, but more to my step daughter even to the point where she told her
Possible trigger:
obviously my step daughter doesn't know that or her real father. she's never shown her any kind of affection or love. now her moods are unbearable every 2 or 3 days we fall out over stupid stuff like not getting the washing in or Ive said something wrong and she wont speak to me for 2 days, and then shes a happy lovely person.
Its honestly like I'm married to 2 different people and can change in seconds.
We have a 2 year old boy who she loves and show affection too and another baby on the way. This is why I feel so guilty for my step daughter
Please help
Have you thought about seeking counseling for your wife? Or separated from your wife? No one should ever say that to anyone. Does she realized what she said to you and your step daughter.
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Old 05-25-2020, 10:24 PM   #8
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Default Re: My wife hates her daughter

I hope your step daughter is receiving professional support. If not, please make sure that she does.

I'd also get professional support for yourself so you know how best to support your step daughter and other children.. and yourself.

If your wife never received support for her trauma, then that needs to be a priority, too.

Big hugs to you all!
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