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Matthew01
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Default Apr 19, 2020 at 04:23 PM
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My wife, when feeling... off, I don't know how to describe it, will feel pain "in her head" when I am nice to her. She tells me this makes things worse. I think she may be bi polar and have some form of psychosis. She wont entertain the idea of me helping with this issue in any way and she wont talk to me when she is getting bad and I am getting to the point where I don't know what to do (it's been a few years). When looking online for answers I get the same thing: "focus on positive thoughts to get you through this". Does anyone have any better information? I have already read the book The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide but can't get her to read it and I am getting a little strained.
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Default Apr 19, 2020 at 08:01 PM
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Hi Matthew01. You are a sweet husband to be so concerned about your wife and want to make her feel better. I'm sorry to read that when you try, she feels pain. Honestly, I have no idea how one might explain that. I have never, personally, experienced such a thing. We can't really know here if she is having some psychosis or not, or even bipolar disorder. We can't diagnose here. Does she have a psychiatrist or therapist? If not, I think it might be wise to have her consult with one. If she does, please do tell them about this concerning symptom.

Does your wife have an official bipolar disorder diagnosis? If not, what symptoms does she exhibit other than what you suspect is a form of psychosis?

Though I have heard people in the past say they liked "The Bipolar Survival Guide", I strongly recommend you not use that in lieu of professional mental healthcare, if she has none. If she does not have bipolar disorder, such a guide may not be applicable to her situation. Assuming you've read up on bipolar disorder, bipolar symptoms go beyond just psychosis. In fact, some people with some forms of bipolar disorder never even experience psychosis.
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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 12:22 AM
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Matthew01
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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 07:10 AM
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Thank you for the quick response BirdDancer, I appreciate it very much. She does have a diagnosis of something but it has been many years since she told me. She sees a psychiatrist once every 6 months or so for a refill on medication she doesn't use because it doesn't really help; it only helps her sleep. I don't know what she tells this guy or if he really understands what is wrong with her. She has many other symptoms of course, I just didn't know what to write. She has suicidal thoughts (when starting to feel off) which can last for a day to weeks. Coinciding with chronic hatred and other negative emotions. She won't like to be touched or feel or hear people breathing. She has had other problems (weakened immune system) which has lead to a serious DISTRUST in the medical industry due to years of misdiagnosis and tens of thousands of dollars lost.
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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 10:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Matthew01 View Post
Thank you for the quick response BirdDancer, I appreciate it very much. She does have a diagnosis of something but it has been many years since she told me. She sees a psychiatrist once every 6 months or so for a refill on medication she doesn't use because it doesn't really help; it only helps her sleep. I don't know what she tells this guy or if he really understands what is wrong with her. She has many other symptoms of course, I just didn't know what to write. She has suicidal thoughts (when starting to feel off) which can last for a day to weeks. Coinciding with chronic hatred and other negative emotions. She won't like to be touched or feel or hear people breathing. She has had other problems (weakened immune system) which has lead to a serious DISTRUST in the medical industry due to years of misdiagnosis and tens of thousands of dollars lost.

Hi Mathew. I can certainly understand how difficult this situation must be. I'm also sorry that your wife is either unwilling, or unable to share with you more details about her past diagnosis and symptoms.

Would your wife be at all willing to have you attend an appointment with her? If so, then maybe then you can ask the doctor questions and share details that she may not be sharing, including that she does not take the medications (as you said). If she refuses, one other option is that you can write a letter or leave a vmx for her doctor expressing your concerns and observations. The doctor would not be able to respond to you, without her permission, but at least then the doctor would have added input.

I know it's always difficult when physical concerns accompany mental health concerns. That's why it's crucial for general doctors and psychiatrists to communicate with each other.

I understand your frustration with doctors. Many share that. But there are excellent doctors in this world. They are not all bad. Ultimately, being improperly treated does no good. Not being treated at all, definitely does no good. If your wife continues to refuse treatment, then you will have to accept that reality, as difficult as it is. It's admirable that you wish to try (on your own) to help her, but don't be surprised if it seems a fruitless effort. Sometimes people with mental illness must hit some kind of "bottom" to really accept help. That's a sad reality. Another option is that if your wife seems to be a danger to herself or anyone else, that you call the police for a wellness check. Sometimes that "forced treatment" is necessary. Note, however, that occasionally mentally ill people forced into treatment have reactions (after the fact) that may not be liked. In other cases, it is a gift to all.

This may sound strange, but just as family of addicts must sometimes have interventions with their ill loved ones, so must those with a mentally ill loved one. You will have to decide how much you can take with a non treatment compliant spouse.If it becomes too much for you, then you may need to step away from her for your own good. That's something they discuss in Al-Anon. Some people don't like the concept of "tough love", but occasionally it is required. The alternative is often "enabling".

I know, as a woman with bipolar disorder, that I must ultimately help myself to be a good wife. If I had children, I'd need to try hard to be as good of a mother as possible. I am not a child. I have to assume some responsibilities in life and in relationships. Even if my treatment efforts don't yield full wellness, my efforts, themselves, count for something. No efforts?

Mathew, unless I'm overlooking it, Psych Central doesn't seem to have a forum for spouses/SOs of people with bipolar disorder, but they do have such a forum for partners of people with all mental illnesses as a whole. You may find input from people in more of your position in https://psychcentralforums.com/partn...ivers-support/ than you will here. Plus, it seems you are not 100% sure your wife even has bipolar disorder. Members in this forum are mostly all people WITH bipolar disorder, and not partners/spouses of people with bipolar disorder. I urge you to post there. Perhaps this post should ideally appear there, too, so you don't need to rewrite this. I don't believe I have anything more to add.

Hugs to you. Have strength!

Last edited by Anonymous46341; Apr 20, 2020 at 11:01 AM..
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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 10:43 AM
  #6
BirdDancer, again thank you for the quick response. You seem very busy. I have considered the tough love option but I can remember a story she told me where her father had her committed when she was thirteen for writing some dark poetry. This still bothers her to this day. I need to be careful that no matter what I do, it is not a betrayal of her trust. That is why I am looking for more evidence based treatment than talking and using positive thoughts. I can assure you the severity of her condition is very advanced and chronic. I am not at the desperate point right now but I am aimless. That is why I posted on this site. I need evidenced based help more then comforting and encouraging words. This is not a demand for help (you have been very kind!) but you would think in 2020 somebody out there who calls him/her self a doctor would have better answers.
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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 12:01 PM
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Hi Matthew. I so so hope that your wife never threatens herself again, but want you to know that you should never feel responsible for "saving her". Or, if anything were to happen to her, it would be a tragedy, but the fault of the illness, surely not you. That is a major issue discussed in groups like Al-Anon in regards to alcoholics. It's pretty much the same thing for people with mental illness. Clearly your wife does need a different kind of therapist. You should consider encouraging a change. Exactly what kind of therapy, I couldn't be sure. I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, and don't know your wife. Also, not all people with the same mental illness have the exact same therapeutic needs. We're not all the same. We don't all have the same history. We don't all have the same personalities or temperaments. Even though the people with bipolar disorder here share many symptoms, we don't share all. We have different courses to our illnesses. Some people are more on the depressive end and others more on the manic end. Some have more mixed features. Some are more prone to psychosis. Some have more elated manias. Some have more irritable manias. Some only have a few episodes in their lives. Some are more plagued by them.

It can sometimes take a while to find the right therapist. That's frustrating, but we sometimes have to keep trying and trying. Some have found the right one quickly, some have had to go through as many as 5 or even 10 to find the right fit. That's life.

Your wife has to put in some effort. She must. If she doesn't, that's sad, but that's what happens when a person gives up. You can't make her want to get well. You have to stop making excuses for her resistant behavior. Your response above is an excuse.

I meant well above, but have to say I'm now getting triggered by your continued posts to me. Do not respond to this, please. This is part of the reason that there is a Partners & Caregivers forum here at PC. I have a stressful afternoon ahead of me.

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Default Apr 22, 2020 at 06:51 PM
  #8
She needs a therapist that she trusts. Not all therapists are just supportive. My fav. Therapist was a crises counselor in a former career. We spent most of the time going back and forth about trusting Mental Health Professionals and taking medication. She knew up front I was terrified of hospitalization and was reminded weekly of it. She went through a lot with me. NEVER hospitalizing me. She never promised not to hospitalize me just that if I was ever hospitalized she'd fight for me. Your wife needs a therapist who is not scared to fight for her. The only way she will find a therapist like this is being honest right from the get go. Write down her worst symptoms, that she's non-compliant and terrified of hospitalization Then hand it to potential therapist.

I'm not always med complaint. I have a signed agreed upon list of extreme behaviors that If I do X I HAVE to take emergency medication until a psychiatrist can get me in for an emergency appointment. If I refuse medication at that time I will be hospitalized until stable. My agreement with my psychiatrist is she will get me in as soon as possible if needed. I'm "on" fast acting disovable medications and weekly therapy.

She needs a team she can work with, honestly. You have to remember you are NOT her punching bag, therapist, warden, dr. You ARE there to love and support her and direct her Dr's when needed. My Husband has permission to talk to my treatment team. If you can sit down and make a list with her of symptoms and send it to her dr. In an emergency that is not life threatening urgent care has been wonderful to me. My husband is NOT in any discussion of hospitalization. If a conversation turns to that he is asked to leave so I can not blame him for my hospitalization.

Also you may want to start therapy for yourself and couples therapy. Also if you do have kids make sure they are in therapy.

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