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BoxTurtle44
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Default May 01, 2020 at 11:24 PM
  #1
Hi all. New here. I have a family member I have been trying to help for about 5 years, since she was 15-16. Honestly, she's always been pretty volatile with her emotions. I am not sure what her diagnosis would be because she refuses to see anyone.

I am the one in the family who has always been there, never bailed on her. Many people have pointed out that she treats me the worse of anyone. Any paranoia seems to be directed at me. For many years, I just kept trying to help and did everything I could think of to get this person some help.

I'm leaving out a lot, but to get to the point. This last year, things have turned pretty dark. I believe there may be some harder drugs used that I don't know about.

Long story, short, this family member has become rather fixated on me, blaming me for everything wrong in their life. I will receive sometimes 30 texts a day when I have not even spoken to the person. Some of them don't make sense. Lots of name calling, demanding to pick up the phone, accusations of things that seem really out there.

Last week, this person destroyed some of my things in a strange way. She has always been vindictive to the point that it is disturbing-holding grudges, plotting revenge. However, this last incident really, really scared me.

I actually left and moved in with a friend. No one knows where I am at. My family member texts me quite frequently accusing me of things that I could not possibly be involved in or have any control over. I'll be honest, I am terrified of this person right now. The behavior is so detached from what is really going on and it seems to have become an obsession. I have always been supportive, so I am not sure how I became the scapegoat for all things bad.

I have no idea what a diagnosis would be. Reading through the criterias it seems to probably be anti-social disorder, but I honestly don't know.

My questions are what can I do to get this person to stop? What am I doing to be such a focus point of this behavior? What should I do to stay safe?

I have even thought of finding a new job somewhere and moving. Since the strange incident with my things, I am afraid this person is going to find out where I am staying and come over. I don't know what to do. Can anyone please help me with some advice?
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Default May 02, 2020 at 12:25 PM
  #2
Has she tried contacting you since you moved? I'm not sure why she's fixating on you but I do wonder what your boundaries have been like with her. If it's been inconsistent or weak, now is a good time to firm them up and I think she needs to be told what those boundaries are.

How are you related to her? Where are her parents in her life? It sounds like you've taken a parental role but are not her biological mother. Is this true? If so, could she be feeling strong emotions about her mother and taking it out on you?
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Smile May 02, 2020 at 12:48 PM
  #3
Hello BoxTurtle: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. Since this is your first post here on PC, welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time with your family member. I'm not a mental health professional. So I can't offer you anything in the way of a diagnosis or authoritative advice with regard to your family member. (Perhaps other PC members will have some suggestions they can offer.)

You asked what you can do to get your family member to stop doing what she's doing. The only things that occur to me are, first, get a different phone number & make sure you block hers. Cut off any-&-all contact of any kind. And second I guess if I had had personal belongings destroyed by someone, I would call the police & file a complaint. Perhaps one of the reasons your family member is treating you the way she is, is because she feels safe doing so. She's learned from experience she can do whatever she wants to you & you'll take it. So you've become her personal whipping post, so to speak.

You mentioned your family member refuses to seek treatment. Unfortunately, as our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy. D. has written: "Denial is a Powerful Impediment to Treatment". Here's a link to that article from Psych Central's archives:

Denial is a Powerful Impediment to Treatment

I, of course, don't know what the laws are where you live. But, typically, the only way a person can be forced into treatment is if it can be shown they are a danger to themselves or others. So it may well be the only way you're going to be able to impact this situation is to begin reaching out the authorities where you live (the police, governmental social services agencies, etc.) in an effort to force your family member into treatment. Beyond that, finding a new job & moving somewhere far away from this person may be the best you can do. At least these are my non-professional thoughts with regard to your predicament. I'm afraid there simply aren't an simple solutions. At least none I would be aware of.

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

P.S. Toward the end of your post, you mentioned thinking your family member may have Antisocial Personality Disorder. I do think it is always dangerous for those of us who are not trained mental health professionals to try to come up with a diagnosis for someone they're concerned about. However, with that thought in mind here's a link to an article, also from PC's archives, on how to cope with a sociopath:

Coping with Sociopaths (Antisocial Personality Disorder)

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Last edited by Skeezyks; May 02, 2020 at 01:02 PM..
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Default May 02, 2020 at 06:35 PM
  #4
Hi,

Sorry I was being intentionally vague what my relationship is. My motivation to do that was one of fear that the person might read it, recognize themselves and be even more vindictive. I realize this is highly unlikely to happen.

The info on APD is just perfectly matched. I appreciate the information on how to cope.

Yes, I readily admit the boundary issue has been a major issue. In the beginning, I was trying to help with money, finding doctors, etc. Like the article says, I was being manipulated very skillfully. I can most times spot a manipulator. I could not spot it with this person. The only crack that appeared was I overheard a conversation with her friends talking about manipulating me. I was totally shocked. She is a MASTER manipulator. Like the article said, you really don't see it coming. So, I recently started setting boundaries, especially with money (which is what this is really about for her). She blew up! That's when she started threatening me and breaking my things. It is hard not to give in and give her some money to get her away from me. Recently, I have been standing my ground and it got bad. I had to sneak out a side door and grab my cat out a window and run to a park one day. I thought she was going to kill me.

Here is the weird thing-she will do this convincing display of pain, anger, angst, desperation....One day after this display, I happened to look out the window as she was getting into her car...she was smirking and smiling. I was shocked. I had been played again.

the long term boundary issue does give her the impression that I am an easy target and that no consequences will happen. Because I finally set boundaries, the violence has escalated to the point I am terrifyed of her. Because I kept holding a boundary, the anger is out of contorl. She throws things when she doesn't get money. Here are just a few things she has done the last 7 months: I had a glass that my deceased dad gave me. She threw it against the wall and broke it. When I started crying, she told me, "I hope your Dad is in hell". She pulled a bookcase onto the floor spilling all the books. She called my work and told them I am unstable. She ran over the tire of my bicycle (I watched her do it.). A couple of times she has pounded on my front door for over 30 minutes screaming and kicking the door.

I just don't know what the police would do and would this make her more angry? She has an outstanding charge against her-going to court soon-and I feel like if she thinks it is my fault that she got in more legal trouble, I will be more of a target. She hates authority.

Anyway, it sounds even worse writing it out. It has been a gradual decline to this point. And, I have been manipulated into feeling sorry for her along the way. I know I am nice and easy going. LIke the article said, I really need to have no contact with her. I want to be done with it. But, I don't know how. Also, we are family, so I might have to stay away from family things. sorry I am being vague.

Thank you both for helping. The article is really great. I just can't bring myself to call the police because it seems like she needs mental help not jail time, plus I am afraid she will blame me (which she will). I guess this is really the heart of the matter. I have to work up the courage to call the police if she breaks my stuff again.

I am finally ready to be totally free of this person. I have even thought of moving and not telling anyone where I am.
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Default May 03, 2020 at 01:07 AM
  #5
The thing is, having a mental illness or a neurological disorder does not excuse someone from inflicting fears and violence onto others. The best thing you can do is contact the police, again and again. That IS your boundary. You will no longer live in fear in your own home. The police will help de-escalate her behaviours and create a file. If she's non-compliant, they will take her for a couple hours, depending.

You've tried to help her and this is her problem. Dig your heels because she needs someone in her life to do just that.

I know nothing about APD.. so maybe my advice isn't helpful. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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Default May 03, 2020 at 11:33 AM
  #6
It is very helpful. One of my hestitancies in the past has been that the police here are very aggressive about hauling someone in. Very aggressive court system with little mental health training.

The replies here have been helpful. It really shows me that I need to start worrying about me. And, stop trying to control the outcome so it doesn't hurt her. She has been trouble with the law so she knows how this area is. Basically, I need to realize what you said---that her problems don't excuse threatening people. It has taken me awhile to get to that point because I feel like "I caused it" if she escalates things with the police and she gets in trouble. Guess that shows how messed up my thinking has been her. All the "what ifs" don't compare to the level of intimidation that has been occuring recently. I just need to get out and stay away. And, use the police to help. As hard as that is for me.

Thanks again.
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