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Buffy72
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Question Jul 10, 2020 at 09:19 PM
  #1
I'm in a platonic relationship with a man 15 years older than myself. He's 80.

We have been together for 16 years, no marriage due to financial issues.

My question is: I am considering leaving this man to carry-on with my own life. But, he has health issues, Chronic Pain, Diabetes, Obesity, Smoker, etc.
He doesn't drive anymore because I drive him anywhere he needs to go.
He seems to me, to be giving up on life. His feet turned black and he refused to get medical help. I spent 3 hours trying to convince him that he needed to go to the E.R., at his nurses and Doctors' request.

Now, this is a HUGE ethical/moral issue, for me. Do I owe it to him to stay with him until he dies? I have health issues (too), that is causing me to have my own issues to deal with. The disabled helping the disabled. This is a very difficult situation to be in. He can barely walk and really doesn't do "anything", to help himself.

Is it wrong (of me), to give up on this man?

What about my need to move on?

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
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sarahsweets
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Default Jul 10, 2020 at 11:53 PM
  #2
No it is not wrong and you did not sign up for this. Work on arranging for a home care worker and be on your way.

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Smile Jul 12, 2020 at 02:59 PM
  #3
Well... I'm 72 and I agree with sarahsweets. You don't owe this man anything. My thought would be to contact whatever local governmental agency (perhaps county or city) that provides services to seniors & let them take over. You've done more than your share. It's time to carry on with your own life.

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Default Jul 12, 2020 at 11:10 PM
  #4
Read some books on co-dependency, taking care of others to the degree that you have no quality of life yourself. That is a compulsion. Obviously you are not getting any needs met besides feeling needed. I have been guilty of that myself. I write myself little reminders about putting myself first and getting my own needs met. At least I know what's going on, and there are financial issues.

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Buffy72
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Default Jul 14, 2020 at 05:59 PM
  #5
I "like" your thinking, but I think I would feel guilty for the rest of my life!
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Default Jul 14, 2020 at 06:00 PM
  #6
Thanks. That's my thoughts, exactly! I'm too young to have this burden on my shoulders!
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Default Jul 19, 2020 at 10:22 AM
  #7
Buffy I am sorry you are in a difficult situation. It seems like you are trying to direct his healthcare and he is resisting. Maybe it is time to see if insurance company can assign him a caseworker or the disability office he uses could be notified.

It does not have to be black and white. You could stop trying to direct his treatment and just be a friend and someone that gets his groceries. It does not have to be all or nothing depending on your own ability to self care and take care of yourself. 3 hours trying them to convince them to go to ER with them resisting is not something that seems helpful to either of you..

You may find these articles of interest
Symptoms of Codependency

Am I Codependent?

Recovery from Codependency

Codependency Recovery: Moving Past Resistance

Codependency vs. Interdependency

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