Semi-Narcisstic Husband Emotionally Abusive - Forums at Psych Central



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Old 03-31-2018, 06:06 PM #1
Adelyn Adelyn is offline
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Default Semi-Narcisstic Husband Emotionally Abusive

I say ďsemiĒ Narcisstic because he genuinely seems to care for his kids and he does show empathy for others at times.

Mostly he just works, and works, and works, then pursues an avid hobby, then spends time with his kids, and then, possibly, with me. As a result of him working so much, we have a lot of money, but itís a lonely and miserable life for me.

He always comes first, which he justifies because heís the one who pays the bills. The jobs I could get wouldnít make nearly as much money as his, so he says theyíre pointless. What I should be doing is organizing and fixing up our house, but most of the time Iím too depressed to do this.

He has the worst temper of any Iíve ever met. When heís angry, heís threatening, brimming with white-hot hate for me, inconsolable, and nothing can calm him down. He goes on long tirades about how horrible he thinks I am and how heís right and has done nothing wrong. He often demands I give a detailed apology and be ďcontriteĒ and take full blame. If I do this (and cry and beg him to stop), itís often not enough. He doesnít care who hears him yelling. Heís yelled horrible criticisms at me when his kids can hear very word. These tirades can last 30 minutes, hours, or days. Once, on an anniversary trip, it was 8 hours straight. There is no talking to him or reasoning with him. He sometimes breaks treasured things. And everything is always 100% my fault, because whatever it is, I started it. Me starting it could include me having a tone he doesnít like (if heís particularly stressed or itís a touchy subject), me being grumpy (when heís stressed), or me getting upset with him or snapping/yelling at him. Iím generally depressed and can be moody/sensitive, so I get that Iím not easy, but I work very hard to improve myself and have done so for many years. Iím a much calmer person now, but heís exactly the same. How could he improve if heís perfect? If Iím grumpy or snap at him, or even yell at him, I generally try to work through it. But if heís stressed to begin with, which is often the case, thereís no working through it. He has to demean me. He lays out in detail how awful he thinks I am (which is particularly hurtful because he never compliments me), clenches his fists, breathes heavily, often screams at me, and is just not satisfied until heís completely demoralized me and torn me to shreds. After that, I just donít care about anything anymore. I lay in bed for days. And the threats. Always goes right to how I donít deserve him and heís leaving me. When I used to get very upset at these statements, it was much worse. Now I just say then leave and he rarely ends up driving off. His entire goal is to obliterate me. Once he accomplishes that, heís often nice and tries to cheer me up. He acts like nothing happened, sometimes asks me ďwhatís wrong,Ē and says we need to be positive and focus on the future, donít dwell on ďthe pastĒ (even if ďthe pastĒ is an hour ago). If I try to talk about what happened, he says Iím negative and just trying to upset him again or punish him. When heís in his rage, I think that if I were hanging from a cliff about to fall, he would tell me to apologize guest and be contrite before heíd help me.

Iíve tried many approaches. Itís very hard for me to stay calm and ignore him or just leave and go someplace else. My family lives on the other side of the country, and I gave up having friends a few years ago because I was going through too much drama to be consistent. So if I leave, Iím only gone hours. I have to block his number because heíll send vicious texts, threatening to leave me, breaking up with me, telling me I no longer have a home to live in, and just going on and on about how awful I am and how wrong I am and how right he is.

Before I met him i had accomplished wonderful things and overcame so much. I was productive and I had people in my life I was close to. Now itís often hard for me to keep a dentist appointment or do a load of laundry. Itís hard to get out of bed. Iíve had trouble with depression before, but this is one I canít seem to get out of.

Sometimes, everything is fine. Sometimes we get along well. We donít fight as much as we used to. But even at its best, Iím still very lonely. And there is still the underlying premise that heís great and Iím problematic. He thinks because heís productive and successful that this is evidence heís healthy. It isnít.

He simply doesnít care that I spend most of my time depressed and laying in bed. He just thinks thatís my problem and focuses on what he has to do.

I could deal with a lot, but Iím just so sick of the inconsolable fury. And that itís always my fault.

I used to have so much confidence and feel good about myself. He took that.
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Old 03-31-2018, 07:23 PM #2
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Default Re: Semi-Narcisstic Husband Emotionally Abusive

Hi, Adelyn. I don't have any advice but I wanted you to know I read your post, and I can imagine that's so stressful. Are you in therapy, or considering it? Maybe marriage counseling? Or just for your own sake. I wish you the best of luck.
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Old 03-31-2018, 07:29 PM #3
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Default Re: Semi-Narcisstic Husband Emotionally Abusive

It doesn't sound like your husband would agree to marriage counseling, but maybe getting therapy for yourself would be helpful.
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Old 08-24-2018, 06:18 PM #4
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Default Re: Semi-Narcisstic Husband Emotionally Abusive

Hi Adelyn I can identify with the situation you are in. Unfortunately I go through similar quite regularly at the moment and my partner also doesn't care who hears and will continue in very public places, which has led to people approaching me as they are concerned for my safety.

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice on how to deal with him when he's in such a rage, I've tried different things but have ended up shut out on the door step wearing very little. I have been lucky so far and he has then given me my handbag and car keys so I can leave. But I have been and had my antidepressants increased to try and help me be stronger.

I am sorry I couldn't be more helpful but I am hear if you need to chat
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