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Tsukaregirl
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Unhappy Jul 30, 2017 at 02:22 PM
  #1
(NOTE: I posted this in the NPD forum, too. I apologize for a repost. I missed this board before.)

Hello - this could get pretty long, but please bear with me. I'm scared and really in need of some advice. Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you.

I've just joined after a severe fight with my twin. This kind of fight is nothing new, unfortunately, but I noticed that today in particular there was no obvious trigger, and it got really nasty really fast. I'm getting scared. I've thought about us splitting up for a while now, but we don't really have the means, and I would be a liar if I said I don't want to just abandon my sister. We've been together since we were babies - we're more or less a team.

I don't know what's going on - I really don't - but I know it's not normal. What I've read about NPD scares me, as it seems to match exactly my sister's situation. And yet I know from trying to talk to her that there is no way she would ever consider treatment or even calm discussion, let alone even considering the idea of having this. Our mother has often behaved the same way, and I've long known that she has some condition like this. I would not be surprised if my twin has it as well. Maybe me, now, too? I don't even know anymore.

Today's fight started because I was writing a letter. We needed it finished ASAP, or we weren't going to have it done on time, so I was doing it as quickly as I could. My twin came into the room and in a very dark tone, asked me, "What part are you writing?"

When I answered that I was just writing it as fast as I could so that we'd have it done on time, she instantly got incredibly angry and stalked into the room, yelling at me, asking what part I was doing and why I was being so suspicious. Of course I thought she was being the suspicious one. What did it matter what part I was doing?? We needed to get it done - that's all I was thinking. In her mind, there was some magical part in the letter that needed to be written by her and only her. She wasn't even telling me what part that was!

When I did finally tell her what part I was on, not understanding at all why I was being asked that, she claimed that I had been purposely hiding it so that she wouldn't know and that I was trying to take all the credit for the letter. To be fair, the letter was going to someone she likes from the both of us, but I genuinely was not writing it to "take away her love interest" or anything like that, and anyway, it was being signed from both of us (with her name first, naturally). Still, she refused to see it. She flipped out, and then started the threats. She has always made threats, ever since we were children.

My insecurities are her first go-to's when she attacks. My skin is not as nice as hers, so that's her primary attack. My skin, teeth, and other appearance points. She loves to attack my appearance. When I told her that karma would give her the same appearance if she kept saying such things, there was such horror and malevolence in her eyes. As if I was a demon for even suggesting such a thing, rather than she being in the wrong for saying it in the first place. Now I throw back similar comebacks when she starts up like that, and she always says, "You're so evil, using those things against me!" I shouldn't be using them. I feel like I'm turning into her or my mother. But they're the only things that seem to get her back! She doesn't see that her using my insecurities in the first place was wrong, only that me using hers as a retaliation are wrong.

There are huge issues with control, too. She's the younger twin, but it's like she needs to have control over every aspect of my life. If I buy the same things as her (clothes, shoes, etc.) she gets mad and insists I put them back, because "she got them first" (whether she did or not). Recently, I went shopping after I got my paycheck. Every little thing I bought she examined. When I got a pair of shoes, she said angrily, "Oh. You got another pair of shoes." Not because she thought I was wasting money (this time, anyway), but because SHE didn't get them. The day before, she had just said the same thing about some dresses I'd bought, stating that she didn't want me buying dresses that would outdo her for an event we were going to. As if that was my intention! When in fact, all I was doing was buying clothes that were on sale and that I really liked. Today, we were supposed to dress casually and quickly so we could get out the door to deliver the letter I mentioned. I did just that, but she went out of her way to dress incredibly fancy and nice. When I reminded her that we didn't have time for that and asked her why she was going out of her way to dress extra fancy when we'd agreed to dress down for the day for the sake of getting out on time, she simply threatened not to go at all and not let me take the letter we'd spent the entire morning working on (and fighting over). (In fact, the whole way to our destination, she kept up this same threat of "going back home and not letting me deliver the letter", which she insisted on holding onto, of course.)

In recent days, I've wanted to just do some things on my own - go shopping, have lunch, do some writing...She didn't like that. She got incredibly angry and began threatening me again when I said I didn't want to go all the way back into the city to go shopping again. Because SHE wanted to go, therefore that seemed to make it a priority for both of us. She couldn't accept when I told her I didn't want to and preferred to do something else. As a matter of fact, I hadn't even told her outright - she just surmised it herself and blew up, as a result. Recently, when we went out to do some writing together, she got mad the moment I started writing. "Don't write anything without me," she demanded. So I regrettably didn't. A few days later, she went out to do some writing on the same piece we were working on together, but had no problem "writing without me". I actually didn't have a problem with her writing without me either. What I had a problem with was her nonstop insistence that I don't write unless it's with her. What is this!?!?

The control issues get worse, though, and I've tried to point this out to her, but she doesn't get it. For instance, she insists I don't get to post certain things on my social media unless she gets to do it first, or do it, too. Sometimes she just doesn't want me to post it at all. She NEEDS to be the one to do it. If I complain and say I should be allowed to post what I want when I want, she starts making threats. She often uses threats when I'm doing something she doesn't want me to do. As said before, that's her go-to and has been since we were children. I still have a vivid memory of her locking me in my own room when we were kids and threatening to beat me up using the martial arts she was studying.
With fights, I used to ask her what I'd done wrong or if we could calmly discuss the situation, which would work only to a point before she'd get mad when it was my turn to express my side. They never ever reached a solution. She can't listen. She needs to state her point of view, and it must be the only point of view. There is no room for anyone else's. If I bring up something she dislikes or disagrees with, even during a "rational discussion", she'll instantly start talking over me. She literally cannot see how what she did might have upset or hurt someone. It's like only she can be hurt. I've mentioned this in the few times we have managed to begin a "civil discussion" during fights, and it sets her off. When I also mention that she's not thinking about what she did and how it might have affected someone, that really pisses her off. She doesn't remember doing it, or she really doesn't believe she did it. I don't know which, but it's terrifying! There is no way to bargain with someone who is in a hateful rage and truly believes they are the victim, or that their target is deserving of their anger. She also always brings up past situations - not always as they were, sometimes as how she imagined them, in which of course I have done some wrong.

There is the whole "moving the goalposts" thing, too. She'll demand I do something, and if I do it, she doesn't care or will say it didn't matter. But I get that "walking on eggshells" feeling every time she makes these demands. I know if I don't do it, she'll be extremely angry. This has happened EVERY time I have not done something she demanded. It started a whole new fight. Most recently I did a translation that she insisted I do by the time she came home, and though I was exhausted and didn't want to, I felt scared that it would set her off, so I did it (poorly) anyway. When she came home, she said it didn't matter and we probably wouldn't be using it anyway. I was upset. But she couldn't understand why. For her, she either didn't remember she'd demanded it of me, couldn't understand why it would upset someone to be asked to do such a difficult thing for nothing, or both.

In addition, I'm currently paying our rent every month. We were supposed to split it, of course, but she seems to like to conveniently forget. If I ask her when she's going to pay her half, she gets really angry and always, ALWAYS, says, "NOW is not the time for this." When I say things like, "Well, then when IS a good time? Because seeing that small number in my bank account is setting my nerves on edge," she gets really, really nasty. She almost always tells me, "You just never pick a good time." But that seems to be the go-to answer for any time I ask. Suffice it to say, I don't usually get paid unless SHE feels like paying. On the flipside, whenever I have owed her even a few dollars, she'll get especially demanding and nasty if I don't pay it back immediately. If I bring up the rent or say, "Well, you still haven't paid me back for this yet," she'll say it doesn't matter, because she'll pay it later, and that she wants her money now "or else".


This is going to sound dumb, but she also goes out of her way to make sure I see her flicking me off. We're both a little superstitious, but in her mind, if I actually actively see her sticking up her middle finger, it will be an actual f*** you. I know that sounds dumb, but it's true. We have nearly gotten into fist fights because she would grab me or thrust her finger in my face if I tried to look away or walk away. And there's no defending myself. If I even try to defend myself or use force of any kind, I'm a monster and she does not hesitate to attack full-force. Too many times I have felt like a cornered animal who can do absolutely nothing to escape the situation.

She does the "triangulation" thing all the time to me, too, to bolster her arguments. "This [shared friend of ours] said [this nasty thing] about you, too." Or "You should hear what [this shared acquaintance] really thinks of you. They agreed with me when I mentioned it." She also always threatens to write to our friends or family and tell them "how awful I am".

In short, our fights will be extremely illogical. They're emotionally-abusive and borderline violent. I can't say half the time why they've started, unless I know I've explicitly gone against her wishes. I say it too often: It's her way or the highway. With me, I have to be a mindreader, or I've messed up. Worse than that, even if I did always tell her she's right or "sorry", I know it wouldn't be good enough, and it wouldn't end the fights. And of course that's just not a way to live.

With the constant demands, shaming, controls, and threats...I know this situation is bad. I feel it with my whole body and the way I feel like I've aged after every fight we have. My blood pressure would probably attest to this, even though I'm just 27.

We are very close - we are twins, after all, and have been together all our lives. Breaking apart would be hard on both of us, and I love my sister with all my heart. But I feel the unbelievable weight of the stress of being together. Today, I didn't think I could take it - my heart felt weak, I got a bad migraine, and when my sister started crying about "me not caring and therefore being evil" (that was seriously her go-to), I felt no pity whatsoever. In fact, I felt like she was finally getting a taste of her own medicine. But I don't want to become the kind of person who can't even empathize. I don't want to be the kind of person who is happy seeing anyone, even potential bullies, be sad or hurt. Especially my own twin. Today, when I finally managed to separate from her for the day (on her terms, of course), I nearly had a mental breakdown in the cafe I went to. I've been close after fights with her, but never that close - never close enough that I felt my mind THIS close to slipping away from me.

Maybe it's too late? I don't know anymore. But what do I do? I know I can't take this anymore, and I'm willing to bet she can't either. I just don't think she'll seek treatment. Please, any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated. I'm scared and exhausted from constantly treading on this thin ice. Thank you in advance to anyone who can give some advice.
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Default Aug 15, 2017 at 06:17 PM
  #2
(Gee, I hope she comes back. It's a shame none of us answered it. I guess it was the "too long to read" issue. )

We can't officially diagnose, since we're not experts, just fellow travelers. But I wish I have seen it and written something!
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Default Aug 25, 2017 at 11:48 AM
  #3
I'm still here...I always hope that things will get better and she'll come to her senses, or possibly even consider talking to a therapist (I would go with her, too!), but it's a no-go.

The same sort of borderline violent fight has been happening nonstop in recent weeks. It's become routine. Last night's fight led into today, because I brought up the rent and asked when she was going to pay me her half. (We're already going into the next month, with this month's rent still unpaid by her/paid entirely by me. I mean, this happens every month, but still...)

She blew up, of course. I wrote to our housing company and told them to stop doing automatic withdrawals from my account. It's only one of many, many things that set her off, but it will be less stress for me to not have to beg her to pay her share, only for a heart attack-inducing fight to start.

She literally declared war on me this afternoon when I got ready and decided to go out by myself, leaving her stewing because I dared ask her to pay her share of this month's rent before next month's rent is taken out of my account. I won't even go into what set her off the night before. You wouldn't believe me if I did.

I really don't know anymore...
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Default Aug 28, 2017 at 03:40 PM
  #4
I'm so glad you're back! And I'm so sorry you're going through this. Does she not have the money to pay you? Or does she think she should be able to freeload, given you're her sister?

I am a twin, too. I am wondering if part of her "problem" is she wants to become her own person and not a "second twin." That could explain why she wanted a hand in a letter, given her name was going to be signed to it and why she wants to have different clothes than you. It really is a personal growth issue, so if that's part of it, then please let her become her own person. If so, then she might feel awkward telling you she wants to sort of break away.

I'm not sure about the rent issue. It could be a passive aggressive issue, in that she might be mad at you.

Of course, I am not a clinical psychologist or a therapist, but I'd love to talk more about your twin with you.
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Default Aug 31, 2017 at 01:52 PM
  #5
Wow! You're a twin, too? Thank you so much for responding and for the kind patience. It all definitely helps!

It's not that she doesn't have the money, no. We both actually work the same job and make around the same amount. It might be that she thinks she can freeload, but even if that's the case, I don't think it's done innocently. I think I mentioned it in the long, long original post, but when I've owed her even a matter of a few cents, she has gotten extremely angry with me and demanded I pay her back immediately "or else". So she should understand how I would feel being owed so much money for the rent, but she either can't seem to understand that or just doesn't care, which scares me. She won't give me the chance to rationalize it, like, "If I were doing this to you, how would you feel? Wouldn't you feel awful? Wouldn't you be angry?"

I suppose it's possible she wants to become her own person, but she's always been the one holding me back when I've insisted that we need to separate (usually after our more severe fights). I think we both have that desire, actually (to be our own unique person), but also can't break away from each other either. We live overseas together, too, so being together might feel extra important for that reason.

I also can't understand why she would have such control issues where I am concerned if she really did want to become her own person. Why have such a need to keep me on a leash and monitor every little thing I do if she wants to be separate? It doesn't seem to make sense. I am still waiting to post a certain something (I went to a show recently and wanted to share about it) to my social media, but she won't let me. Is this something your twin does, too? Controls what you say or do?

I've been coping - as I guess I always have - but I still feel like I'm on eggshells, waiting for the next flareup....

I'd be really, really grateful to talk to someone who has a twin for sure, so thank you very much for the offer! I know it's an odd situation...
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Default Aug 31, 2017 at 02:51 PM
  #6
Definitely sounds like something is going on in your relationship with your twin. My twin lives over three hours away. We made the break after college when we went to different grad schools.

Can you afford to talk to a therapist about her? If she is being controlling, then that's a red flag. It would be best if she went with you. Would it work to tell her you're going to see a therapist (not saying it's because of her) and would she like to go with you?
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Default Oct 28, 2017 at 04:34 AM
  #7
Sorry for my delay! Life got so busy, although the situation here hasn't changed much. Things have been pretty moderate - nothing too serious - although today there was another flare-up which I was made responsible for, even though it didn't really have to do with me. I was extra "responsible" for it, too, when I told her that I was going home and that we could split up and she could do what she wanted. I couldn't deal with being the target of her anger after she'd had some other situation, so saying I was going home made her even angrier. Nevertheless, I went home worrying about her and wondering if I should have stayed with her (which I know I should not, and yet I can't help thinking it anyway).

Thank you for the kind thoughts once more. I do know that most twins split up at a point. I think we must be the odd ones out here. Maybe this is why twins are expected to split up. Maybe this kind of thing is more common than I thought...I wonder!

I'd love to go see a therapist, to be honest! I think we both really need it. I don't know if we could find one within our financial range, but I do know that if I ask her to go with me, she'll immediately know why. We can read each other's intentions like books (which is why it confuses me that she either pretends or really cannot understand my feelings in situations like the ones I mentioned in previous posts). So it might be difficult to make this happen. And I know she'll know if I go to one myself, although that might be easier to deal with as a whole.

Oh dear, what a mess! ><
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Default Nov 23, 2017 at 01:40 AM
  #8
Update: I wanted to post to social media today, so approached her on the subject of the controlling and asked her why I can't post to social media when I want to or if it's before her, and/or why she feels the need to control that aspect of my life. She told me I'm "jealous" and "in love with my own face" because I "post photos of my style". (I have just started using another form of social media, in which I have - indeed - posted my most recent outfits. I've been really enjoying it, although I know it annoys her that I post these outside of her control.) When I pointed out that she has been using that particular form of social media for far longer than me and most often posting photos of her own face (and I get it - a lot of people do that on social media!), she turned verbally and physically abusive. She threw things at me and started calling me an "ugly ******" "inside and out" and how everyone knows I'm ugly and "jealous", and how karma is going to show me what an ugly ****** I am. (She keeps bringing back up an incident where during a stage performance I had asked for fake eyelashes, as I was doing an ensemble role, and everyone else I was performing with, including my twin, had had them except for me. This means I was "jealous", and she likes to tell me that, and I quote, "Everyone thinks you're a jealous retard for asking for fake eyelashes, too.")

....A somewhat violent fight ensued. I don't think we're getting anywhere. Another hard day where I feel impossibly trapped and gaslighted and my blood pressure is skyrocketing.
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Default Dec 03, 2017 at 05:08 AM
  #9
About a week later, and another violent fight today. Once again because she didn't want me to post a photo I took on my social media (even though I am the one who took the photo, and she already posted it on hers.) When I tried to talk with her rationally about this once more, about how we should just post what we want to post without regard to what the other twin is or isn't posting (so long as neither of us is bad talking the other), she blew up. As per usual, the threats against me began, and she once more told me she was going to tell our mutual friends about what a horrible person I am. I also made the mistake of introducing her to a guy I really like recently, and after we saw him the other day, she happily told me today: "he wasn't looking at you, he kept looking at me." (Yes, she knows I like him.)

Guys, I am at my wits' end. There is no rationalizing with her. Today more than ever, I felt like I hate my own twin.

Can you think of anything that I might be able to say or do that could get through to her? Or even for myself? Clearly I need a fresh way of approaching this, and even my best attempts at trying to reasonably settle the situation and/or preserve myself are going nowhere.
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Default Dec 03, 2017 at 10:15 AM
  #10
From what you're telling us, she doesn't seem to be someone who can be reasoned with and you've tried all sorts of approaches. Something serious is going on with her--emotionally. I don't know if it's NPD. We can't diagnose people here, anyway--even if we were professionals. But she is not psychologically healthy, in my opinion.

To my way of thinking, you need to get on with your own life. See about finding a therapist with a sliding scale, who will take whatever a client can afford. Like at a clinic or such. And get some counseling. Dealing with your sis is very stressful and you need to learn ways to cope.

Ideally you and your sis could still be friends, with your own separate identities apart from being "the twin." Make other friends as well. It will be tough, but with a counselor to help support and guide you, it can be done.

I'd like to keep hearing from you, as a fellow twin, too. Okay?
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Default Dec 17, 2017 at 03:01 PM
  #11
Hi Tsukaregirl, my story and why I am here is nothing like yours but I recognize some of the “push-pull” and “I-hate-you-don’t-leave-me” behaviors you are describing. Read “Stop Walking on Eggshells”’by Kreger and see if you find anything useful that helps you cope and/or take some distance. Wish you all the best!
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Default Jan 06, 2018 at 03:02 AM
  #12
Thank you both so much.

Little has changed, and I've made poorly on my promises and not sought counseling. It's so easy to say and so difficult to do. Although I do realize we can't keep living like this.

I will definitely try to find that book! Anything would be wonderful when these particularly nasty days happen. Sometimes I really feel like I can't take it anymore, and I never again want to experience anything like that near mental breakdown I had after the worst of the fights...

Thank you both so much...
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Default Jan 09, 2018 at 02:04 AM
  #13
UPDATE

My twin is very depressed, clearly about this situation. That's not to say that I am NOT depressed - I am. I'm also just far more eager to get away. She's been posting on her social media begging for people's attention and pity, which sounds a little too much like some other stories I read about twins (specifically identical) where one twin was a Narcissist. The behavior is also very similar to my mother's (also a Narc), who used to find any means possible to get sympathy over her "horrible daughters". So more and more, I do get the feeling that my twin has NPD, which means I really do need to get out after all.

We don't have the financial means yet, but I have made up my mind and have already taken steps to create some boundaries. She does not like these, and I'm afraid to be under the same roof as her while I make them, but since I must stay with her for now, this is what it has to be.

God this is tough. And we have so many shared friends...I can't wait for the inevitable moment when she starts telling them what an awful twin I am. Although to be honest, hopefully most of our shared friends will be smart enough to see what's happening. I feel saddest, I think, for the man I like, who I introduced her to. He is the brightest little star I know and I still madly adore and love him, but my sister's insistence on challenging me for him and doing everything she can to stand between us is grotesquely soap opera-esque and really creating a dark atmosphere around this otherwise truly loving guy. He doesn't deserve this either.

.............Short of the story is this, guys. Being a twin is a nightmare, and never again should you want to say, "I wish I had a twin..."
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Default Jan 16, 2018 at 10:45 AM
  #14
Guys, I can't take it anymore...What do I do?

Today on my train ride home after work, I contemplated getting off the train and killing myself.

Another bad fight happened today before I left for work. I had to pretend to smile with all my customers, but I was in such a dark place and said so many stupid things. I know it's affecting my work.

I still feel like I want to die now. I've never felt pushed this close to the brink. I can't escape this horrible situation, try though I might. I know it's not going to change. I don't know what to do anymore...
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Default Aug 17, 2018 at 01:34 AM
  #15
Guys, long time no see. I apologize for dredging up this old thread, but I felt I should let you know how things have turned out.

Some time in January this year, after the abuse became too much for me, I managed to get away from my twin. She was sure it was only going to be for a short time and confident I would come back, unable to stay away from her for too long. Well, she was wrong. It was originally only going to be a week away (I was that tightly wrapped around her finger), but with each day that passed with the kind friend that let me stay, the more I realized how much she'd been destroying my life and me, as a person. The more I found the willpower to get away for good, and if possible, never have to see, hear about, or deal with her again.

Things were not easy, but only in the sense that she tried every possible stop to get me to come back or make sure I would have no choice BUT to come back. Mutual friends ended up hurt when they told her honestly that they were friends with both of us and didn't want to pick sides (at which point, she accused THEM of being on my side, and went on a smearing campaign against all of us). A few of us were left in crippling debt before that, of course. Once she got the money she wanted/needed from one friend, she told him he was on my side and shut him out for good. Naturally, she has no intention of paying him back the THOUSANDS of dollars he has given to help and support her.

On our birthday this year, she did a number of truly destructive, terrible things to me which I don't have the heart to go into. She was very proud of having done those things (which included doing something that hurt and troubled the guy I like, who I mentioned previously in this thread). Unfortunately for her, he and I have had so many good experiences together up until now without her that despite her attempts, we're working through things.


I definitely have PTSD and am finding it hard to heal, given it's both my mother and twin sister who are like this. It's hard to get myself to understand that I am okay and deserve love, that I am not merely the product of their abuse - namely my twin's, when she should have been the closest person to me in the world. HOWEVER! From the first day I was away from her and could see there was another world beyond the very suffocating, painful one she'd built around us, I found the faith to improve myself. Since her grand finale on our birthday this year, I came crashing back down to where I started, but I'm starting to build myself up again.

Not easy at all, and I know it's going to take years, but I have faith. I'm not her, I know I have worth, and I want to be the best possible me that I can. I want to be loving, giving, faithful, and strong. So I'll work towards that. And though I never ever want to see her again, I do sort of pity her. I think she must have a truly miserable existence.

Thank you, all of you, who came out to support me all this time. I was very alone then, and I badly needed it.

Many thanks.
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Default Aug 20, 2018 at 11:55 AM
  #16
Hi, sweetie. Thanks for the update and the good news. Yes, you can heal with a new "family" of friends you can choose who will be healthy for you.

Keep in touch. We're here for you, too!
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Default Aug 22, 2018 at 10:05 AM
  #17
I canna say about whether its narcissistic personality disorder or some other disorder but there is a common refrain in a number of your posts - how your sister comes at you full force if you dare defend yourself in the least, how you are a 'monster' if you disagree with her in any way, etc.,. I'd be willing to wager she is a lot more violent - spontaneously violent - towards you than you are letting on here.

Reminds me of the man who tells the arresting police officer, "well, I wouldn't have shot him if he hadn't tried to stop me from stealing his truck. It was his fault for getting in my way."

Bank robber tells accomplice, when asked why he cold-bloodily guns down 5 bank employees, "I told them not to move. If they hadn't set off the alarm, they'd still be alive. It was their fault. They deserved what they got."

Do you follow? Do you see the commonality in the logic, in the thinking?

Let me ask, has she ever come to you and indicated in any way whatsoever that she had done anything wrong or hurt you? Do you think she even sees another human being with thoughts and feelings?


What you have been describing is no different than a wife who suffers years of incredible abuse at the hands of a hateful, bullying, alcoholic man. In this case, the criminal happens to be a sister.
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Default Aug 27, 2018 at 01:24 PM
  #18
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Originally Posted by Travelinglady View Post
Hi, sweetie. Thanks for the update and the good news. Yes, you can heal with a new "family" of friends you can choose who will be healthy for you.

Keep in touch. We're here for you, too!

Thank you always. I will never forget the kindness I was shown here, especially by you TL! This was one of the first places I found when I was searching for somewhere to vent and understand, and it helped immensely. Thank you so much!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by DahveyJonez View Post
I canna say about whether its narcissistic personality disorder or some other disorder but there is a common refrain in a number of your posts - how your sister comes at you full force if you dare defend yourself in the least, how you are a 'monster' if you disagree with her in any way, etc.,. I'd be willing to wager she is a lot more violent - spontaneously violent - towards you than you are letting on here.

Reminds me of the man who tells the arresting police officer, "well, I wouldn't have shot him if he hadn't tried to stop me from stealing his truck. It was his fault for getting in my way."

Bank robber tells accomplice, when asked why he cold-bloodily guns down 5 bank employees, "I told them not to move. If they hadn't set off the alarm, they'd still be alive. It was their fault. They deserved what they got."

Do you follow? Do you see the commonality in the logic, in the thinking?

Let me ask, has she ever come to you and indicated in any way whatsoever that she had done anything wrong or hurt you? Do you think she even sees another human being with thoughts and feelings?


What you have been describing is no different than a wife who suffers years of incredible abuse at the hands of a hateful, bullying, alcoholic man. In this case, the criminal happens to be a sister.

No, I know you are right. She has never once apologized or admitted to doing any wrong. Even when I have brought up things she only just did or that she can't refute, there was never any sense of regret or apology, and she's never said the words. I even have a lengthy email exchange with her from the time after I finally separated from her earlier this year, and throughout the exchange, you see me saying sorry for things she claims I did and promising that I will try my best not to do them again/think carefully about her before doing them/etc., whereas there is not even one small "my bad" throughout her messages. When I finally told her this, upset that we seemed to be getting nowhere, she said, "I apologized multiple times. I'm not going through my own emails to get it for you. You obviously didn't read them all."


Well, I read through every single one multiple times. There is no apology, just as there never was when I was living with her. But then, I tried reasoning with her when we were together, and that never got us anywhere either. She could never be wrong. Only me or others - but especially me, as I was the target of her hatred.

It's going to take time to heal. I freeze when I hear her voice, and sometimes even when I see her photos. Where once I saw my sister, now I only see a monster who I regret knowing. I wonder how much of my childhood was spent being "created" by people like her and my mother. But if I can afford to get to therapy, I guess I'll find out. In the meantime, finding my own ways of healing and absolutely soaking up and enjoying the love of my friends and other family. It feels great to be able to give in return, too. Since she can only take, I do feel sorry for her in some ways. She will never know real happiness...

Thanks for your insights!
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Default Aug 27, 2018 at 04:35 PM
  #19
Wow, good for you! Stay strong. You have come so far since you started posting. Enjoy all the good life has to give you.

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Default Aug 29, 2018 at 01:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Deejay14 View Post
Wow, good for you! Stay strong. You have come so far since you started posting. Enjoy all the good life has to give you.

Thank you! I'm doing my best. I realized how big the world was when I left behind that abusive situation, and while I am still learning how to deal with the demons that came with that and finding the best ways to heal (all of which is much easier said than done), I have faith, and I am feeling more giving to the world around me than ever before. Perhaps this was the drastic event I needed in my life to really change my own path.
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