I'm new, and need urgent help.. dealing with someone who has ASPD. - Forums at Psych Central

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Old 10-31-2018, 09:54 AM #1
MasakakiDistrict MasakakiDistrict is offline
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Trig I'm new, and need urgent help.. dealing with someone who has ASPD.

Hey, so I'm Mary. I turned 15 this year and I live within Weston Super Mare UK, It's a wonderful place for holidays, day trips, sight seeing. Beautiful houses too, no kidding. But in the part that I grew up- there's been some gang business going on for years now.

I'm not saying Iv'e been involved with it exactly, but some people I know today are actually involved. One of them being the leader of one of the smaller groups-

He's who I mainly want to talk about today.. And I must say- I'm truly desperate for help since what has happened to me has caused me serious trust issues and depression on/off for a while. I feel traumatised even.

Firstly, I hope to be taken seriously.. and the situation too. This isn't about my sad 'teenager' issues, It's a real problem which has been influenced by someone else..
There's quite a bit of info I'm going to have to tell you though before I get into what's bothering me, because It's quite complicated.. but I'll do my best at explaining.

I'll begin with myself:
I'm not really a typical teen, I've been home schooled since the first year of high school since school just wasn't for me, I couldn't really get over the anxiety it gave me despite being a loud and confident person. I'm glad my mum let me get out of it.
I've always been happy and satisfied with life, but when I left school my personality seemed to just fade, I was beginning to feel lonely and unmotivated to learn- my parents never even home tutored me. So.. I basically have no education from year 7 up. That doesn't mean I'm dumb though, Iv'e improved my art and instrument skills dramatically, a lot of my work goes up on my Facebook page. Many people really like me in my town, I'm well known, my parents tend to be a little more private though.
The kids around here don't really mingle much, the area I live in is quite wealthy so people are quite civilised and quiet.. although that changes around other parts- people tend to gossip an awful lot, and set social expectations.
The gangs here seem to spoil the town just as much as the people do,
A particular gang isn't really that open, all I know is that there's a boss and smaller groups that have their own.. theme? I guess.
What I mean is that some ride on motorcycles, some are more directed to crime- then others are more focused on drugs and money.

Anyway, now I'll get to my story- I won't go into too much detail as I'm avoiding making this too long or too confusing.
To start you off, It's mainly about me meeting someone who I and many others believe may be a sociopath or a psychopath, I know quite a bit about him and I'm very close to his family- even a part of it if you wanted to go by that. I'll be talking about his history too, and the stories/info Iv'e received from his older brother and anyone else who knows or have known him.. so yep- I'm not short on information for sure.

II won't be using real names since everyone knows each other far too well over here and I'm just scared that the wrong person is gonna see this.. agh.
So I'll call him by one of his rarely used nicknames: Ryu.

So I'll tell you what I know about Ryu from what his older brother (who we'll call Caleb) has told me.
Ryu has already been diagnosed with ASPD, APD?? (Antisocial Personality Disorder) going back in 2012 or 2013, not sure exactly. Caleb told me this almost instantly after a met him, which confused me since I didn't even know what it meant until I researched it- but hey, It sprouted my interest in psychology after all.
But let's begin with how I met Ryu-
Basically I was out on a walk and I saw somebody standing on the brick bride around here, he was stepping so close to the edge that I swore he was about to jump, there was quite a drop. I liked being a 'hero' I guess at the time, since I was striving to be a good person in any way I could- so I ran over and grabbed his arm, I said something to him but I don't know what? This was all three years ago, so my memory is fuzzy unfortunately..
Whatever I said though surely sprouted a conversation- since we spoke for a while, him probably telling me it wasn't what it looked like.
He looked MUCH younger than he actually was at the time, he was about.. 25? But I swore he looked 17 or 18. I was only 11 or 12 at the time, so keep this in mind.

I did get his number after though, he didn't offer to me in a way to date me- but more of a friendly way. When he introduced himself I actually had already heard of him. He had moved to Weston a few years back to start out his business, which really sky - rocketed pretty quick, he was already wealthy, but the sales he was making really added onto that wealth.
I very quickly felt lucky to even be talking to him though, as a kid this was a REALLY big deal- my parents even supported me having his number when I told them about it.

So things were great, the lonely and vulnerable kid I was- It felt amazing to have a new friend.. since I really had nobody at the time.. it must have only been a few months or a year since I left school? I lost all contact with the only friends I had.. and that hurt.
I texted Ryu non stop everyday for ages, then one day I believe he asked me if I wanted to help him out around the garages, since his job focuses mainly around vehicles. I agreed, so I went over there.
As I said.. Things WERE going great until he seemed to become a completely different person within seconds, all I did was drop something and he whacked me across the head with his hand, and then calmly told me to be careful with such a monotone voice. I was honestly a very trusting kid at the time so I brushed it off as he was just having a bad day, or the thing I dropped must have been valuable- It wasn't broken though.

Forgetting about that situation, Ryu had asked me to go help again, that's when I met his older brother who was there this time.
I remember him taking me aside behind one of the bigger cars and quickly telling me to be careful around Ryu because he 'Has some issues.'
Caleb only went into more detail when I went around to his house after Ryu asked me to drop something off there.
So that's where I got told that Ryu suffers from ASPD.

But.. even when I researched it and read stories about it- It didn't make me scared or wanting to avoid Ryu at all, I just told myself I'd just give him what he wants and we'd get along, right? I really didn't want to break apart from someone just because they has an illness. Ryu seemed really nice, charming, generous and quiet when he wasn't yelling at his family or.. hitting me.

This 'niceness' slowly began to fade, and I didn't realise it until It was too late pretty much.
I'm not gonna go into every incident i had where Ryu started making me work for him until complete fatigue, emotionally draining me, physically hurting me (leaving bruises and cuts) and manipulating the heck out me..

But I'll go into info about his family real quick here-

His mother is such a sweet, kind and wonderful person. Caleb claims she's always been this way besides from being a little stricter with him and his brother growing up. Their father went missing not too long ago, which didn't affect Ryu at all, Caleb saying that Ryu has always been emotionally absent- often faking them only to appear normal or to get what he wants.
He's said that he's put his mother through hell, hitting her and yelling at her throughout his entire childhood- no discipline seemed to work on him at all.

She only forced him to see a psychologist as a teenager, but Ryu kept refusing to attend, which then she obviously gave up. Caleb said that she never hated Ryu though, she's always loved him to bits- even if he's broke her to bits too many times than she can count.

My reaction to this info about Ryu's past never really made me hate him, no matter what he did it never changed my opinion much. It just made me want to be.. more careful? I guess. There was an attachment to Ryu that I couldn't explain, he just pulled me in further all the time- until I began to have romantic feelings for him just last year. I've only had a desire to adjust to him and possibly help him. His family showed no concern, since..I never told them I was being abused by him.
Even when I got told that Ryu leaded one of the smaller groups in the gang business it didn't bother me. I'm not sure why I was so.. immune? to all of these things that put me in the danger zone.
Yeah, I understand my connection with Ryu is hurting me, Iv'e always let it go on without attempt to run away- though, I did try to break apart from it once. I'd been hurt so bad that I stopped talking to Ryu, so basically ignored him. But of course he saw me on the street and pulled me aside, threatening me to never do that again, and making me feel incredibly guilty for even doing that.

he still makes me feel guilty, he confuses the hell out of me emotionally.
I'm not sure if you call it sexual abuse? But he gives me no privacy when I go to stay over at his 'garage house' as everyone calls it. The place he stores all his cars which is next to a smaller single floor cabin style house.
And by no privacy- I mean that he doesn't let me close the door when I shower or use the bathroom, he's even come in when Iv'e been naked.
But he doesn't look at me, not even for a second. He doesn't try to touch me inappropriately or anything, it just looks like he doesn't really care about others privacy.

His sister is the only person who's told me I should cut off entirely from Ryu and his family, and anybody he's involved with-
But I can't, It's looks impossible to get away from him to me.

My parents even seem too scared to do anything about this, I did tell them this year that Ryu isn't all that... nice. I told the details to my online friend but she can't do anything, she lives in america.
My own older brother just wants nothing to do with it, which I understand.

Caleb was previously in the gang business too, but left years ago. He's improved himself so much- which has made me glad for him.
I'll never be sure why Ryu is the way he is though, did he experience trauma as a child and everyone is hiding that truth? Or was he born this way? I really don't know. I'm not the only victim to his abuse, and I still deal with it to this day- but if I tried to run away now, well he claims he'd send someone over to kill my entire family. I literally.. believe it. I'm sorry, but he's genuinely got people on his side- people who are probably more dangerous than he is.

Lastly, I don't dislike Ryu. But Iv'e reached my breaking point, Iv'e been depressed all year and the memories keep coming up in my mind, I'm still being worked to death. I feel bad for Caleb because he really tries to help me but is too scared himself to take any action, he's tried before but.. Ryu has broken limbs before. On the outside he's such a handsome guy with jet black hair and pale blue eyes, he makes any bad outfit or pair of glasses look good. Many teenage girls online and in person seem quite attracted to him, I guess I was one of those people too.

I'm seeking for advice to manage with this or how Ryu could possibly be helped..? He's not stupid, he doesn't walk into danger or make careless mistakes. I'm sure of that.
I just don't believe I can ever get away until Ryu is done with me, so I hope there's ways I can feel happy again.

(I may have missed some info, but things may come to mind if you ask questions. <3 Please be respectful and kind towards me, I don't feel emotionally or mentally strong enough to take any criticism, bullying, mean or harsh words, thanks.)
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Old 10-31-2018, 06:43 PM #2
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Smile Re: I'm new, and need urgent help.. dealing with someone who has ASPD.

Hello MasakakiDistrict: I'm sorry you find yourself to be in such a difficult situation. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral.

I'm certainly no expert with regard to this sort of thing. But given the complexity of dealing with a person who has ASPD, & the fact that you're 15, I really think you have to go to your parents with this problem. And it may be appropriate for your parents, in turn, to involve the police. I'm not in the U.K. But you are a minor. And I have to believe what is happening to you must be as illegal in the U.K. as it would be here where I live. Unfortunately the only way anything is going to be done about it is if it is brought to the attention of the proper authorities.

I suspect you're correct when you write that you don't believe you can ever get away until Ryu is done with you, at least not on your own. This is a situation that requires the intervention of adults as well as, perhaps, the legal system where you live. You cannot help Ryu nor can you change him. He is who he is. That's it. Imagining that it could possibly be different is simply kidding yourself.

Is there a way you can feel happy again? Yes absolutely there is! But first you have to get away from Ryu. (If, by some chance, there is a relative in some other part of the U.K. you could go to live with for a period of time that might be the easiest way to at least get you away from Ryu & out of harm's way.) Beyond that, it's likely going to take the passage of time & perhaps mental health therapy to resolve what you've been through. But it absolutely can happen.

Here's a link to an article, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of ASPD that hopefully may be of some help to you in putting your situation into some kind of perspective:

Understanding Antisocial Personality Disorder | The Exhausted Woman

Please take care of yourself. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
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Old 10-31-2018, 07:22 PM #3
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Default Re: I'm new, and need urgent help.. dealing with someone who has ASPD.

Hi Mary,

I hope you find your way around to find the support that you need. WelcometoPC.jpeg
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