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Old 01-26-2019, 02:27 PM #1
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Default is he gonna contact me ever again?

hello to everybody!
I was talking online with a guy the last 3 months that we have never met in real life and I suspect he has Avoidant personality because of what he was telling me about his self and feelings. we live in different countries but last week he visited my country to see his family and we were about to meet as well , but we never did as he got vanished!

All started three weeks ago , that i told him i dated once someone , but i eventually dont see that guy i dated as something serious. He took it very bad and he expressed it and after that started getting very distant , i got upset as well of his behavior and i told him we might shouldnt meet because he behaves as a kid ,and already things between us are difficult because of the obstacles we have.

Then I took it back and i told him that i didnt mean it but im sad and i said it and i want to see him, but he never replied to my many messages and has been a week already that doesnt respond to me at all. and he already left my country and he is back in his place. is he gonna ever reply to me?is he gonna ever get out of his world? as he usually calls his withdrawal tendecies

thank you in advance
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Old 01-26-2019, 07:56 PM #2
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Hello Stefania: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry but I don't believe there is any way we here on PC are going to be able to tell you whether or not you will hear from your friend again. Yes, maybe he has avoidant personality disorder. But maybe not too. Based on what you wrote, it sounds like you barely know this person & the two of you have never actually met. And besides, mental health diagnosis is a job for mental health professionals.

The reality is there could perhaps be all sorts of things going on here. There's simply no way to know. I think about all you can do is to perhaps try to re-contact him on-line once or twice & see what happens. Sadly if you don't hear anything back, then the best course of action may be to presume whatever relationship the two of you may have had is over & move on.

Having written that here are links to 3 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on avoidant personality disorder that may be of some help with understanding what your acquaintance may be struggling with if in fact he does have APD:

Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder | The Exhausted Woman

Understanding The Avoidant Personality: 6 Ways to Cope | Caregivers, Family & Friends

18 Ways to Increase Intimacy and Communication with an Avoidant Partner | Love Matters

My best wishes to you...
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Old 01-26-2019, 08:27 PM #3
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Heart Re: is he gonna contact me ever again?

Thank you for your reply.
I thought he might have this disorder based on my experience as psychologist and psychotherapist.
I was just wondering if these persons when suddenly shut down communication are usually coming back or it usually means that any kind of relationship is over.
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Old 01-27-2019, 08:21 AM #4
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Default Re: is he gonna contact me ever again?

So sorry that you are going through this

It's hard to say whether he'll contact you again. Even if he does, do you really want this push/pull, hot/cold dynamic in your life? If it's not one thing, it will be another. You deserve better! You are worthy of better!
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Old 01-27-2019, 10:02 AM #5
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Default Re: is he gonna contact me ever again?

its first time he is doing that to me, he had his reasons definetely because of some things on my attitude, but this to cut off completely with this way is indeed very heartless and selfish specially while he knows I have a serious health issue the last 16 months. Indeed he was quite warm and now he is so cold indifferent person. I dont think I d want him as boyfriend, but because I have my issues as well and Im in a vulnereable position in this period, his attitute its very traumatic to me, and it would help me if he d change it just only to communicate things properly and end things with a nicer way. I just wish he ll do that because it d help me not to be in much pain now.
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Old 01-28-2019, 06:58 PM #6
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Default Re: is he gonna contact me ever again?



Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Hello Stefania: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry but I don't believe there is any way we here on PC are going to be able to tell you whether or not you will hear from your friend again. Yes, maybe he has avoidant personality disorder. But maybe not too. Based on what you wrote, it sounds like you barely know this person & the two of you have never actually met. And besides, mental health diagnosis is a job for mental health professionals.

The reality is there could perhaps be all sorts of things going on here. There's simply no way to know. I think about all you can do is to perhaps try to re-contact him on-line once or twice & see what happens. Sadly if you don't hear anything back, then the best course of action may be to presume whatever relationship the two of you may have had is over & move on.

Having written that here are links to 3 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on avoidant personality disorder that may be of some help with understanding what your acquaintance may be struggling with if in fact he does have APD:

Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder | The Exhausted Woman

Understanding The Avoidant Personality: 6 Ways to Cope | Caregivers, Family & Friends

18 Ways to Increase Intimacy and Communication with an Avoidant Partner | Love Matters

My best wishes to you...
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Old 01-29-2019, 12:51 AM #7
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Default Re: is he gonna contact me ever again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by stefania56 View Post
its first time he is doing that to me, he had his reasons definetely because of some things on my attitude, but this to cut off completely with this way is indeed very heartless and selfish specially while he knows I have a serious health issue the last 16 months. Indeed he was quite warm and now he is so cold indifferent person. I dont think I d want him as boyfriend, but because I have my issues as well and Im in a vulnereable position in this period, his attitute its very traumatic to me, and it would help me if he d change it just only to communicate things properly and end things with a nicer way. I just wish he ll do that because it d help me not to be in much pain now.
So sorry you are in pain Stefania with your health issues and the sudden end of this friendship I would encourage you to take a step back and try to focus more on yourself rather than the guy. What do you need for you right now? Self-care. We cannot change other people; we can only change how we respond to them. His silence is indicating a desire, at least for now, for space. I recommend honoring that by not sending more messages. If you hear from again, you can deal with that if/when it arises.

As for trying to analyze or diagnose him, I don't think that will be the path to peace for you. We often don't know why people act as they do. Sometimes we never know. Reading about Radical Acceptance may be of some interest to you.

If you are really finding it tough to let go of him, in addition to your health issues, you may find it helpful to consult with a psychologist. For comfort and help developing coping strategies. I also want to point out that, if I understood you correctly, you only knew him online for 3 months. Do I have that right? Is it possible that due to other stressors in life, you possibly became a bit too attached to this guy too soon? I say that with care and regard; not judgment.

I fully understand your desire to at least have a final conversation to "end things in a nicer way." That's the way I would prefer to end things. Just remember that ending things nicely requires emotional intelligence (EQ) and well, us humans aren't always living too high on the EQ scale It may be what you want or even feel you need from him but not necessarily what he is able or willing to give. Something to keep in mind if you do hear from him again. Stability is an important foundation for any relationship.

Peace and healing energy to you
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