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HealingGlow
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Trig Jul 28, 2019 at 05:20 PM
  #1
I've had the benefit of gaining strength and courage from this forum before, and now want to give back a little before moving on to building new relationships. My purpose is to encourage those who are going through similar challenges with their spouse or partner by sharing my experience so that they can learn, and potentially make a better decision.

My story begins when my husband (then boyfriend) and I were dating. On our first date, he had already started groping my breasts and body without my consent. When I confronted him about his behavior, telling him that it made me feel uncomfortable and that if he did it again our relationship was through, he responded by suddenly bowing his head, refusing to look at me in the eyes as he blamed me for not saying anything during the groping so it was my fault for not speaking up, and not his. He didn't immediately agree to stop this behavior, either, only becoming defensive and contentious. Hindsight analysis: This behavior shows a lack of respect for boundaries, and his response of blaming others for his behavior is a sign of insecurity. Instead of taking responsibility for one's own mistakes, he projects faults onto others in a vain attempt to keep himself "faultless" and "perfect."

At the time, I did think his behavior was strange, but since he did seem to agree to stop his uncomfortable touching after he wrote a letter to me, and we discussed it further, then I decided to continue our relationship...until the 2nd time he touched my forbidden areas. His explanation was that he can't trust females to advance the relationship, and that if I I told him that areas were forbidden, then what if I decided to ban kissing or hand-holding one day? I responded that although we had fun times together, it seemed that other people would be a better match for both of us, and I wished him the best. As I prepared to end the call, he suddenly said that this isn't a big issue for him, so he would follow my guidelines for touching. He also said that he would not let me go. Hindsight analysis: He clearly crossed my boundaries again, and showed that he was untrustworthy. His excuse for doing so shows insecurity and lack of trust. The sudden capitulation upon faced with my departure means that he's not genuinely interested in my feelings and making sure I feel comfortable - he just wants to avoid a breakup and its consequences over this issue.

I told him that staying together didn't make sense given our different views on relationship development, but he eventually convinced me to stay, and he mostly respected my wishes on touching...until we got engaged. It had only been 3 months since we met online, and since it was a long distance relationship, we didn't see each other that often in person. He had surprised me by proposing to me out of the blue while we were waiting for the subway train after we saw a musical show together. I joked that he didn't even had a ring so it couldn't count. After he got his hands on a ring and went into the traditional pose of getting on one knee, I decided to accept despite my reservations about his questionable behavior. As we kissed to celebrate, his hand traveled down to my crotch. Hindsight analysis: Given the short length of time that we had known each other, and the fact that he was already saying that he loved me on the first date, it was clear that his feelings for me were just an infatuation, not something more. His immediate resumption of his objectionable behavior proves my previous hindsight analysis true.

Hopefully, the hindsight analysis can be helpful because as they say, "Hindsight is 20/20." I can add more analysis as it becomes available so if you find anything helpful, feel free to let me know. For those who see similar signs in your spouse or partner, this may be a wake-up call to do something about the relationship. Otherwise, things most likely will get worse - in my case, I have reason to believe that my husband has a narcissistic personality with antisocial traits. Now we're stuck in the divorce process with a child involved, and other fun things. Still, this was a great learning experience for me, and I think it has made me a stronger person. Here's to looking forward to whatever the future brings…

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Last edited by FooZe; Jul 30, 2019 at 07:21 PM.. Reason: inserted paragraph breaks at author's request
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Default Jul 28, 2019 at 06:09 PM
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Originally Posted by HealingGlow View Post
I told him that staying together didn't make sense given our different views on relationship development, but he eventually convinced me to stay.
How did he convince you to stay? You said that you had some suspicions about his behavior from the start. What led you to decide to trust him anyway?

Has he been diagnosed NPD or ASPD?
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Default Jul 29, 2019 at 11:15 PM
  #3
So he proposed and groped you and you went ahead and married him ?

Was he a respectful caring husband at any point ?

Were you pressured to have a child ?

Sorry I’m just trying to understand

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Default Jul 30, 2019 at 05:47 PM
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Originally Posted by theoretical View Post
How did he convince you to stay? You said that you had some suspicions about his behavior from the start. What led you to decide to trust him anyway?

Has he been diagnosed NPD or ASPD?
For those going through a similar experience now with their relationships, I would advise definitely looking at their significant other's actions rather than words. My then boyfriend sweet-talked me into staying by saying that he would accede to my wishes, and that he would change his behavior, which he did...for a time. Again, for anyone having similar issues, I would say that trust is not the main issue, as the saying goes, "Trust, but verify." That is not to say we should trust complete strangers, but if we see someone we're interested in, giving someone the benefit of the doubt is sometimes worth it. The problem is that my estranged husband has shown that he was unworthy of the trust he was bestowed, and now that I have the benefit of hindsight analysis, I wish to share some of the details of our interaction in the hopes that it may serve to help others.

No, he hasn't been diagnosed, but if you see some of the same signs in your own interactions, definitely think twice about the relationship!

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Default Jul 30, 2019 at 06:21 PM
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So he proposed and groped you and you went ahead and married him ?

Was he a respectful caring husband at any point ?

Were you pressured to have a child ?

Sorry I’m just trying to understand
Yes, and for those who have already married someone like this - one of the toughest things I had to face initially when my husband informed me that he wanted to end our relationship after I became three months pregnant was this same sense of shock and incredulity. I asked myself, "How could I have been such a fool?" I apologized to my unborn baby for not providing him with the same resources as others, and I resolved to make it up to him. So if you're in the same boat, please forgive yourself. I choose to view this experience as a learning opportunity, and you can do the same.

Yes, when I was still on my husband's "good" side, he was able to act in such a way, although it later became clear that it wasn't genuine behavior, but rather because he felt it was expected of him, and he wanted praise for appearing to be a good husband. However, after I lost his good graces, even the way I put on my shirt would displease him. He acted extremely critical of little things, and would often put me down for no reason other than he could make himself feel superior. For those experiencing the "good" side of things intermixed with emotional and verbal abuse, beware of there being a cycle of abuse. It's important that the "good" qualities of the relationship you're experiencing are sustainable, and not just deception to keep you hooked in the relationship.

No, but I was pressured to have sex with him. There's unfortunately sexual abuse involved in our relationship, which I would prefer to keep confidential.

Thanks to theoretical and ~Christina for their thoughtful questions so far. Feel free to let me know if there are additional thoughts and feedback!

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