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Old 08-13-2019, 08:56 AM   #1
gabaee21
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Default Covert narcissism? (Subtle signs he is a narcissist and manipulative)

I ended a toxic and miserable 1 year long distance relationship with a 55 year old man who:

1. Love bombed me heavily in the beginning and was extremely affection and romantic. He would write consistently for long hours and be very romantic intimate and sweet.
2. Equally to being romantic., he would go through hot and cold cycles and consistently would go dark and disappear for days and weeks sometimes. This cold and passive aggressive behaviour was in huge contrast to his soft and expressive side.
3. His words were big but there was hardly any action to back them up. He several times talked to me about wanting a real future and having a child even. But I think that was a way of luring me in.
4. He has been single and in very short term dating and relationships which all have failed and in all of the cases he was the one dumping the women for miniscule reasons. He had another long distance relationship as well. and with his local relationships, he ended a serious one because he refused to compromise in anything and also did not want to marry or spend any time with the other persons friends. Basically he is a very inflexible and self absorbed person.
5. I tried to end this relationship with him twice but every time, he reassured me that he wanted to finally make things work and wanted a future with me. However nothing would improve and change after his words.
6. He never showed me any empathy when i was feeling down with life and when I needed to talk or chat with him. He would only write when he felt like flirting or when he was romantic.
7. He cancelled 3 times his plans to travel with me so that we would have more regular visits and every time the reasons were either being sick or being busy with work but they were never specific or detailed and very vague.
8. There were cases where he was not consistent and honest with why he was travelling or doing things with some women. His explanations did not add up and he was vague about who they were. he was also very protective ofhis phone whenever i was near him.
9. At the end and after 7 months of flaking out of plans to see me, he came to visit and it was supposed to be an 8 day visit. However right after his arrival after the first day he told me that he has to leave after 5 days because his mom is sick. Something did not add up to me but I did not say anything.
10. After this trip he pretty much went dark again and ever wrote me and it was ghosting once again but this time it was extreme. I finally decided that it was over. After 1 and half months I wanted to end it but also wanted to call him out on this cruel behaviour. In reply he would not even try to talk to me on phone or video chat but instead chose to text me and told me that he felt no love or connection for me and that he did not want me anymore. His writing tone was cold and void of any empathy or emotions. It was icy and had a subtle tone of annoyance and impatience.

I could not believe how someone could be so hot and cold and change their mind so quickly about someone they claimed to love.

The red flags I encountered from the beginning to the end were:

1. hot and cold behaviour
2. Lack of emotional support and empathy.
3. Ongoing excuses about why he was not communicating regularly and why he was almost flaking out on plans.
4. Playing the victim and telling me he one minute he was miserable and troubled and another day he was happy and hopeful.
5. Never supporting his words with any actions.
6. I felt emotionally abused the entire time i was with him and I felt alone and that I was walking on eggshells.

At the end when he discarded me I had already decided I was done with this relationship anyway, so I did not ask for any reasons or anything to want him back. I did call him out though on his behaviour which he did not like and told me I was projecting my own problems onto him. I was not rude to him but I was firm and stood my ground and told him that a good person should have more integrity and respect for another human even if they no longer want to be with them. He showed no emotion or anything.

I have been with other men and have had many other much more meaningful relationships but those breakups were never this traumatic and hurtful as this.

I have been doing alot of research and reading on different types of narcissism and I think this man is a covert narcissist. He is very friendly and outgoing on the surface and most people think of him as warm and charming. He is a fully functional person with a good job and active but he has never been successful with relationships.

Is this type of behaviur and similar behaviors indicative of narcisissism? I realize not all narcisissists behave the same way and not all of them are so easy to spot

Thanks for any insight.
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Old 08-16-2019, 05:49 AM   #2
sarahsweets
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Default Re: Covert narcissism? (Subtle signs he is a narcissist and manipulative)

I think its not so important that you find out if this man is a narcissist or not. I think its more important that you learn to pay attention to these red flags if you come across them again.
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Old 08-18-2019, 02:56 PM   #3
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Default Re: Covert narcissism? (Subtle signs he is a narcissist and manipulative)

Instead of obsessing over what label he may or may not have, focus on yourself and how to avoid getting into a situation like this again.
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