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Default Apr 12, 2020 at 01:03 AM
  #1
I understand the NPD's behavioural profile, history, etc. What I don't understand is regarding my partner's contradicting profile. For example, he has a lot of (what I think is) NDP characteristics which has created a lot of uncertainty and damage in our relationship.

His Profile:
-- lies, withholds information, gaslighting, trickle-truths, trickery, head games
-- attention-seeker
-- low to no empathy and remorse
-- needs to feel superior, the saviour, the victim, important, entitled, the "helper"
-- indirectly offends others, jokes on the expense of others, appears to enjoy others misfortunes, rude, inappropriate
-- blames others, denies, contradicts himself, name-calling
-- campaign smearing
-- extremely insecure, sensitive
-- erratic, impulsive, emotional, irrational
-- focuses on his feelings only and disregards the feelings of others, deceitful
-- competitive, has to be right, has to outdo others, knows more
-- controlling
-- lacks self-awareness, claims to behave "subconsciously"
-- accuses others of his own wrong doings
-- inconsistent
-- highly protective about his image
-- etc..

However, he doesn't fit the NDP profile, either:

-- affectionate, not physically abusive
-- emotional and cries when overwhelmed
-- shares household duties and helps care of our children
-- reliable, dependable, helpful with tasks, responsibilities, and favours
-- a people pleaser
-- will take to my advice (parenting strategies, counseling advice, organization, etc)
-- questioned if I felt he had NDP (like my mother) and appeared to be concerned
-- very concerned about my opinion of him
-- insecure

I get there's a spectrum but a true NPD would not exhibit the second set of characteristics (above).

I'm trying to understand who I'm with and minimize further stress in our relationship untilI know how to proceed further.
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Default Apr 12, 2020 at 06:42 AM
  #2
Actually, the second list doesn't contradict NPD. All the second list indicates is that he's not low functioning.

I'm capable of being nice when I want to be, I can also be extremely helpful, and even quite direct and honest. I'm also highly psychopathic. People are complex, it's not black and white. I don't sit around plotting how I'm going to screw anyone over, for example.

Having said all of that? This guy sounds like an abusive jerk no matter what disorder he does or doesn't have. You don't deserve to be treated that way.
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Default Apr 12, 2020 at 09:52 AM
  #3
I agree with atypical disaster that this man sounds like an abuser and a total jerk, horrible choice of a partner regardless if he has a disorder or not.

Plus no one can diagnose anyone by just reading lists of characteristics. Diagnosing people with personality disorders is a complicated matter and cannot be properly done by their spouses, let alone people online. It doesn’t work that way, could lead to more confusion and create even more issues.

It’s generally not recommended to diagnose anyone with anything unless you are a psychiatrist and formally assessing someone under proper circumstances.
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Default Apr 12, 2020 at 11:54 AM
  #4
I'm not looking to diagnose him. I'm trying to better understand the "spectrum" and get a better handle of some of his behaviours. If I conclude in my head this is a fitting issue, I can better handle situations without taking things personal and feeling wounded. I'm not going back to him and telling him (or anyone) he "has" NPD.

Having an adult son with special needs, I'm all too familiar with the process of getting a proper diagnoses.

I suspect many people with this disorder are unlikely going to get tested.
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Default Apr 12, 2020 at 11:57 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster View Post

I'm capable of being nice when I want to be, I can also be extremely helpful, and even quite direct and honest. I'm also highly psychopathic. People are complex, it's not black and white. I don't sit around plotting how I'm going to screw anyone over, for example.
Do mind sharing what "psychopathic" looks like to you? I'm impressed you're so open to accepting this.. part of my confusion.
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Default Apr 12, 2020 at 12:14 PM
  #6
I want to add, I'm not knowingly living through these negative traits on a daily basis. We're both so busy that often times we focus on that busyness. If something slips up, I don't always know I've been lied to or gaslighted.. it's not an immediate conclusion. So in the moment I'm thinking he's just acting off, or emotional, or crabby.

For a long time I used to believe his excuses. Maybe I "have" been a bit hard on him. Maybe his siblings "do" look down on him. Maybe his coworker "is" being questionable.. and because he's so sensitive, he doesn't handle the feedback well.

Of the two of us, I've always seen myself as the strong one.. the do'er, the independent, the researcher, the initiator, etc. He often says I'm the "rock" in this family.. so that doesn't scream NPD to me. He has bad days and we butt heads..

But when reading about Reactive Abuse and more on NPD, I started noticing more of an overall pattern. This profile I wrote is really for me to see and look at what's in front of me. It's all a process. I have 2 littles so I have to respond rationally and not panic and run out the door, while screwing us financially, emotionally, etc in the process.
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Default Apr 12, 2020 at 08:36 PM
  #7
MsLady, it sounds like you need to know a diagnoses before you decide to leave him or not. So many people go right to that narcissist label when behaviors could be due to other challenges entirely like being on the autism spectrum, a partner having aspergers, or a partner that had adhd and another learning challenge due to brain wiring.

What you need to pay attention to are his behaviors that are creating a lot of unhealthy dysfunction in your home. Actually, it may be helpful for him to spend time with a therapist, he may find he struggles with adult adhd and with some medication and therapy he can inprove his behaviors and attitudes.
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Default Apr 13, 2020 at 10:29 AM
  #8
A label doesn't matter. If you can't stand what the personality is doing to your life then THAT is what needs to determine what YOUR choices are with YOUR life.

I had no idea what was going on with my now EX- H. All I knew at the time was that it got so bad & at that time I had no way out other than for me to die. I didn't & finally 13 years later I had my escape.

When I was finally out of that environment I could look back & say "what had I been dealing with?" I needed to understand. I went through different diagnosis & nothing quite fit. Always that.....but this isn't like that diagnosis. I finally researched ASD & it fit everything. Spectrum conditions are not easy to pinpoint because for everyone it is always a bit different.

Honestly I left him because it was about keeping my sanity & it didn't matter what diagnosis he fit or not. Finding that out was more about me knowing & recognizing what I had been dealing with so I never made the mistake I made again of getting into a relationship with someone like him.

It is really all about what YOU can tolerate living around or not. Your list of behaviors is very close to what my list was.

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Default Apr 13, 2020 at 11:12 AM
  #9


I also think it’s about whether or not you can tolerate these behaviours. And about responding rationally..

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Default Apr 13, 2020 at 11:31 AM
  #10
If you want to work on the relationship then you need to work on you and take your own inventory , not his. If you want to assign blame by all means pick him to peices but know the only person you can change is yourself.

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Default Apr 13, 2020 at 06:51 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by Nammu View Post
If you want to work on the relationship then you need to work on you and take your own inventory , not his. If you want to assign blame by all means pick him to peices but know the only person you can change is yourself.
That's the thing, I've been doing so for years. Maybe I "am" being too sensitive. Maybe I "didn't" hear quite right.. or smelled something that "wasn't there".. or "forgot".. or am "overreacting". Maybe I "am" being "too hard on him".. or being "paranoid".. or "jealous", on and on it goes.

After a while, these self-doubts brings forth a bigger picture. This "profile" was for me to see what exactly I've been experiencing. And really, it doesn't matter how much I've reacted to a singular scenario, gaslighting and campaigning smearing alone is abusive. It's not just "two people having a spat". It's not about being unable to "compromise. It's not about me needing to make all the changes.

I posted this list here because I feel safe in doing so and to see if I have reason to doubt this relationship. There are little kids involved. The behaviours are subtle, ongoing, and problematic.

But you're right.. what's wrong with "me" that I've managed to stay in this type of relationship for 6 years? That's what I'm trying to understand.
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Default Apr 13, 2020 at 06:58 PM
  #12
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
MsLady, it sounds like you need to know a diagnoses before you decide to leave him or not. So many people go right to that narcissist label when behaviors could be due to other challenges entirely like being on the autism spectrum, a partner having aspergers, or a partner that had adhd and another learning challenge due to brain wiring.

What you need to pay attention to are his behaviors that are creating a lot of unhealthy dysfunction in your home. Actually, it may be helpful for him to spend time with a therapist, he may find he struggles with adult adhd and with some medication and therapy he can inprove his behaviors and attitudes.
My partner does have ADHD. I know a fair amount about Autism and believe he does not have it at all. I know there's a bit of behavioural cross over between NPD and ASD.

I understand what you're saying. It doesn't really matter what the dx is. Behaviours speak for themselves. It's not so cut and dry for me, though. I am able to tolerate a lot more if the behaviours are associated with some type of condition. I have a lot of empathy and understanding. Right now, I'm just starting to see "abuse". I want to dig deeper. If we didn't have children, I would have walked away. Right now I am unable to.. and not just because of the children.
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Default Apr 13, 2020 at 07:15 PM
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That's the thing, I've been doing so for years. Maybe I "am" being too sensitive. Maybe I "didn't" hear quite right.. or smelled something that "wasn't there".. or "forgot".. or am "overreacting". Maybe I "am" being "too hard on him".. or being "paranoid".. or "jealous", on and on it goes.

After a while, these self-doubts brings forth a bigger picture. This "profile" was for me to see what exactly I've been experiencing. And really, it doesn't matter how much I've reacted to a singular scenario, gaslighting and campaigning smearing alone is abusive. It's not just "two people having a spat". It's not about being unable to "compromise. It's not about me needing to make all the changes.

I posted this list here because I feel safe in doing so and to see if I have reason to doubt this relationship. There are little kids involved. The behaviours are subtle, ongoing, and problematic.

But you're right.. what's wrong with "me" that I've managed to stay in this type of relationship for 6 years? That's what I'm trying to understand.
Gaslighting and campaign smearing are definitely abusive. You probably have ''issues'' to work on also, who doesn't....

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Default Apr 14, 2020 at 03:44 PM
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Do mind sharing what "psychopathic" looks like to you? I'm impressed you're so open to accepting this.. part of my confusion.
It looks like the reality I wake up to every day. I wasn't always so accepting of it, as I had many of the same misconceptions that many do about the condition. I'm not a serial killer, nor am I some kind of dysfunctional depraved loser who can't do anything at all productive with herself and her life.

Narcissists, as in people with narcissistic personality disorder, are not psychopaths. They are also not people with antisocial personality disorder. Psychopaths have big egos, however, and I'm certainly not an exception to that rule.

What confuses you, exactly? Is it that I speak about what I am openly? Or is it that I am aware of what I am? Something else?
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Default Apr 14, 2020 at 04:16 PM
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That's the thing, I've been doing so for years. Maybe I "am" being too sensitive. Maybe I "didn't" hear quite right.. or smelled something that "wasn't there".. or "forgot".. or am "overreacting". Maybe I "am" being "too hard on him".. or being "paranoid".. or "jealous", on and on it goes.

After a while, these self-doubts brings forth a bigger picture. This "profile" was for me to see what exactly I've been experiencing. And really, it doesn't matter how much I've reacted to a singular scenario, gaslighting and campaigning smearing alone is abusive. It's not just "two people having a spat". It's not about being unable to "compromise. It's not about me needing to make all the changes.

I posted this list here because I feel safe in doing so and to see if I have reason to doubt this relationship. There are little kids involved. The behaviours are subtle, ongoing, and problematic.

But you're right.. what's wrong with "me" that I've managed to stay in this type of relationship for 6 years? That's what I'm trying to understand.
Its not about what's wrong with you it's about what you can and are willing to change. You can't change him only you. Are you ready to let go of him and move on. Children model what they see. If they see a parent taking care of herself and refusing to be treated badly they will also demand respect from people in their lives.

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Default Apr 15, 2020 at 03:47 AM
  #16
I dont think you need to take anymore time wondering about this. I think the red flags are all over the place.

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Default Apr 15, 2020 at 11:21 AM
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It looks like the reality I wake up to every day. I wasn't always so accepting of it, as I had many of the same misconceptions that many do about the condition. I'm not a serial killer, nor am I some kind of dysfunctional depraved loser who can't do anything at all productive with herself and her life.

Narcissists, as in people with narcissistic personality disorder, are not psychopaths. They are also not people with antisocial personality disorder. Psychopaths have big egos, however, and I'm certainly not an exception to that rule.

What confuses you, exactly? Is it that I speak about what I am openly? Or is it that I am aware of what I am? Something else?
It still comes down to whether the person is willing to continue living around a behavior that makes their life miserable. Has nothing to do with misconceptions OR labels. Some personalities are just incompatible & that IS THE BOTTOM LINE.

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Default Apr 15, 2020 at 12:01 PM
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It still comes down to whether the person is willing to continue living around a behavior that makes their life miserable. Has nothing to do with misconceptions OR labels. Some personalities are just incompatible & that IS THE BOTTOM LINE.


You’re certainly correct! Have a lovely day. Smiles.
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Default Apr 15, 2020 at 01:13 PM
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I'm not looking to diagnose him. I'm trying to better understand the "spectrum" and get a better handle of some of his behaviours. If I conclude in my head this is a fitting issue, I can better handle situations without taking things personal and feeling wounded. I'm not going back to him and telling him (or anyone) he "has" NPD.

Having an adult son with special needs, I'm all too familiar with the process of getting a proper diagnoses.

I suspect many people with this disorder are unlikely going to get tested.

Check out Grow with Christine podcasts available on iTunes or on her website (Christine Hammond). I cried the first time I listened to a podcast, so many parallel's to my relationship. I didn't want to believe that my spouse had this, but each podcast further clarified this and I began to come out of the NPD snowglobe. We are currently divorcing and I would never (in a million years) go back to the way things were, with his OCD controlling, raging and silent treatment as punishment behaviors.

These were life-changing for me.

Stay strong and don't waste your energy trying to figure them out. Use that energy to bond with your son and help him grow
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