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MsLady
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Member Since: Mar 2020
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,143
3 yr Member
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Default May 02, 2020 at 02:04 PM
  #1
If you're familiar with my story, you understand the level of emotional, mental, and psychological abuse I've been subjected to.. and very subtlely, too (I think).

My partner recognizes the pain I'm dealing with over his patterns of behaviour. He just started therapy and is working through some of it (compulsive lying, financial infidelity, gaslighting, reactiveness, etc).

I don't think he knows himself well enough to understand this level of abuse, and claims he's never intended to hurt me. He loves me very much.. and the thought of me leaving, scares him to tears. He's told me he's codependent and has a medical condition (MS) that also scares him about what his future holds. So, my place in his life is hugely important to him but all for the wrong reasons.. IMO.

This brings us to the intimacy issue. We used to have a lively sex life in the beginning of our relationship. Then I talked him into quitting drinking (he drank every day but doesn't believe he was an alcoholic).. bought a puppy.. then our sex life plummeted. He claims he lost his confidence. I thought I was replaced by a dog!

Anyway, 6 months later we got pregnant by choice. Then we had another, 2 years later. We had sex to conceive (which didn't take long for me to get pregnant) and then we were busy with the littles.

I also bedshare with the girls as we both feel it's important for them and my quality of sleep since I'm still nursing during the night. Once the baby is old enough to ween from nighttime feeds, I'll be returning to our bedroom.

So there's a lot of barriers that get in the way of our sex life. The biggest one for me though is with his behaviours. I don't feel safe with him right now. The few times we were intimate, I felt like it was very one-sided.. like I wasn't even in the room.

Now he's saying his needs are not being met! I push him away. It's true, I have. How he treats me affects my desire to be with him. He's uncomfortable with my breasts because he's worried they'll leak (breastmilk).. so he's very detached to my body..not to mention his chronic behaviour in watching other women, sexually, adding to my lack of interest to being with him.

We had this conversation yesterday. I reminded him about his drinking and how our sex life plummeted quickly, afterwards. He agreed and said it was a "physical" (not sure what) issue and an insecurity thing. So... he can only get arroused and interested with me if he's intoxicated? I didn't think to ask.

Anyway, he wants to revisit this piece in our life and is wanting me to reach out to him. I don't know how. I feel so guarded, hurt, and numb. How do I put it all aside and make myself vulnerable to him? Sex is so intimate. I can't even bring myself to kiss him. I, too, want sex in my life. But I want it from someone caring who I TRUST. I feel like I'm being blamed even though he acknowledges that he put us both in this scenario.

I just found out about the financial Infidelity, a week ago.. so I'm still feeling raw about that. I have to go on daily walks alone because I'm having difficulties breathing (he's now filing personal bankruptcy) and these walks help the anxieties. We've been having heart-to-heart talks, which helps, but I'm not the reason why our sex life suffers. I'm suffering, too.
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