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Legendary
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Portland
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#1
So, as mentioned before, I have an ex with whom I share a 1000% flawless and perfect in every single way child. We also are totally entiwned financially, forever. She, in my very strong opinion of fifteen years with her, has BPD. Never officially diagnosed because she has always refused to acknowledge that she may have any type of issue whatever.
Anyway, we do have ot interact for the above reasons. I treat her with the same dignity and respect I treat everyone. She cheated and lied--a lot. DId some other very desctructive things, but I never, ever remind her of any of that. I treat her very, very respectfully. I was always faithful and she has no factual basis to doubt my intentions. I support her financially, btw. Sadly, she does this thing with me where, given any possible option of interpreting a remark of mine as "dissing" her, she will always elect that option. Eveything is an insult, or almost everything. She has a very high IQ. I would like to get her some kind of book or something to read to help her with not taking everything like it is a personal insult. It is such a big problem for her and for us. Any ideas are most welcome. __________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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Anonymous46341, Fuzzybear
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#2
I think it's great that you treat her in such a humane way. I'm sure it's not always easy. However, i think if you gave her a book she would just take THAT as an insult. It seems a high IQ just gets people into trouble sometimes. I think of our favorite author, David Foster Wallace and how his genius didn't do him any good (as far as longevity goes). Maybe it's better to just put your efforts into your own recovery? That might be best for her too, so you can continue to support her in your own gentle ways.
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bpcyclist, Fuzzybear
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bpcyclist, childofchaos831
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Legendary
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Location: Portland
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#3
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__________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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Fuzzybear
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#4
My instinct had the same response as whatever2013. I have struggled with this kind of issue on smaller scales with family members and in professional settings. It can be tough. Suggesting someone needs to change typically causes them to move further from your goal.
You've stood by while she has done some truly horrible things to you and it sounds like you've kept mostly quiet. Maybe that is the issue? When she treats you poorly and you do not respond she might be wondering 'why does he not rip me apart? When will the other shoe drop?' Maybe if you openly acknowledge her behavior as poor and that you clearly see it as such but you look past it for the welfare of your daughter, she might be less on guard? In terms of books, I wish those experiencing this kind of behavior understood projection. I think it may help you as well. In essence, she is fearful. At the same time, she is whole and complete. She does not need to be 'fixed'. If you tell her you accept her as she is, but you percieve her reactions toward you to be inaccurate and you feel she is projecting, perhaps she will seek out the info on her own. I have empathy for the fearful. I projected some very scary stuff onto my husband when I was sick. My heart is with those who project and they have my compassion. Sometimes our subconscious is working incredibly hard for us to 'see' something we need to learn and pushing it outward is our primal way of achieving that. The same happens when we experience psychosis. It is the product of our own fears. https://frithluton.com/articles/projection/ |
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Anonymous46341, bpcyclist, Fuzzybear
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bpcyclist
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Legendary
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#5
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__________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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Anonymous46341
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Grand Magnate
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#6
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I feel like we exchange information even when we don't speak it openly. I experience that a lot in group settings. We are all clarsentient to one degree or another. She probably knows you know. That perhaps triggers her even more. That's not on you though. You have every right to handle a betrayal like that however you see fit. You can though just say you do not resonate with her accusations of you in the moment when she projects onto you. Saving the bigger issue for another time or maybe never ever seems wise. You can process that internally without her being a part of it. Your ability to move on is only dependent on her if you believe it is. You're a really good guy. I hope one day she learns to value you instead of pushing on you like she does. |
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Anonymous46341, bpcyclist, Fuzzybear
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bpcyclist
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Legendary
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#7
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It took me awhile to learn all this, but once I did, it seemed fairly plain that attempting to engage with her on any of this was never going to work for me, because in her conscious brain, none of it ever happened. It does not exist. I feel great empathy and compassion for her. It must be very difficult to try to live this way. __________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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Anonymous41462, Anonymous46341, Fuzzybear
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#8
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Anonymous41462, bpcyclist, Fuzzybear
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bpcyclist
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Wisest Elder Ever
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#9
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bpcyclist
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bpcyclist
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Legendary
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#10
__________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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Fuzzybear
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#11
I have no reading materials to suggest either, for some of the same reasons fern cited. Also, other than what I learned in my Abnormal Psychology class, in the DSM, online, and brief stories on this forum (and from a friend), I'm far from an expert on Borderline PD. I think it is true that handing her a book about it could anger her, but if she ever stumbled upon one, I would think a memoir could be a good first.
I suspect that my sister's husband may have BPD. He has exhibited many of the classic symptoms. But he's slightly further removed from me than your ex is from you. My main concern about my b-i-l has been the effects of his behavior on my sister and nephews. There have been serious ones. Though your ex may be different than my b-i-l in various ways, I still think that you should be most concerned about your child right now. Your ex's behavior as an effect on them. |
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bpcyclist
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bpcyclist
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Legendary
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#12
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__________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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Anonymous46341
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