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Old 02-24-2019, 08:41 PM   #1
CrystalGirlx
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Default I know you can't diagnose, but I was wondering if someone shared similar symptoms?

Ever since I can remember I have been impulsive. I have slept with probably over 60 men in my life, at I am only 28. A first date goes well, and I am just off right to bed. This has toned down in recent years, as I have had LTR's. However, when the LTR didn't work out I was automatically right back to wanting to date. When I was broken up with my abusive ex I slept with about 4 people. I feel guilt and confusion.

I get very angry, and I often lash out at people for simple things. I have driven away boyfriends due to my outbursts. I call excessively, I always want constant contact. I put up with horrible abuse during my last two relationships, but couldn't bare to be alone.

I ended up having to file for bankruptcy because I over spend and racked up $12,000 worth of credit card debt. I can't keep a job other than one that is very menial. I was working as a legal secretary and I just couldn't focus. I ended up getting fired because I was forgetting things constantly and using the computer for random browsing. I have no ability to sit and work on anything. My organization skills are atrocious, and I have difficulty managing money.

I am finally getting around to college. I am in my last year of my associates, and really trying. I am not unintelligent, my grades are actually half way decent but my organization is poor. My note books are all over the place. I have absolutely NO idea what I want to do with my education. One minute I want to go to nursing school, the next...I want to be a teacher, the next I wanted to be a social worker. I get so revved up about these things and then lose interest. I have only give I think one or two jobs a notice if I want to quit. Sometimes I just stop showing up completely and without even having had another job lined up.

I don't feel like my own individual person sometimes. My one friend once told me I don't have any likes or dislikes. If you were to ask me what I like to do I wouldn't even be able to answer the question. I have no hobbies. I come home, I study, I watch movies. My "hobbies" all are piggy-backed off of dating partners. I have also been told I constantly talk about myself. I actually feel physical pain (almost like nails on a chalk board) when someone other than a romantic partner says I love you or tries to hug me. I do not like affection from anyone other than a partner. I feel very disconnected.

I don't feel self sufficient. I was thinking BPD.

Last edited by CrystalGirlx; 02-24-2019 at 08:53 PM..
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Old 02-24-2019, 09:15 PM   #2
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Default Re: I know you can't diagnose, but I was wondering if someone shared similar symptoms

The relationship issues and not knowing who you are sound very much like BPD have you checked out DBT diganois or no diganois the coping skills could help.
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Old 02-25-2019, 12:01 AM   #3
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Default Re: I know you can't diagnose, but I was wondering if someone shared similar symptoms

Quote:
Originally Posted by CrystalGirlx View Post
Ever since I can remember I have been impulsive. I have slept with probably over 60 men in my life, at I am only 28. A first date goes well, and I am just off right to bed. This has toned down in recent years, as I have had LTR's. However, when the LTR didn't work out I was automatically right back to wanting to date. When I was broken up with my abusive ex I slept with about 4 people. I feel guilt and confusion.



I get very angry, and I often lash out at people for simple things. I have driven away boyfriends due to my outbursts. I call excessively, I always want constant contact. I put up with horrible abuse during my last two relationships, but couldn't bare to be alone.



I ended up having to file for bankruptcy because I over spend and racked up $12,000 worth of credit card debt. I can't keep a job other than one that is very menial. I was working as a legal secretary and I just couldn't focus. I ended up getting fired because I was forgetting things constantly and using the computer for random browsing. I have no ability to sit and work on anything. My organization skills are atrocious, and I have difficulty managing money.



I am finally getting around to college. I am in my last year of my associates, and really trying. I am not unintelligent, my grades are actually half way decent but my organization is poor. My note books are all over the place. I have absolutely NO idea what I want to do with my education. One minute I want to go to nursing school, the next...I want to be a teacher, the next I wanted to be a social worker. I get so revved up about these things and then lose interest. I have only give I think one or two jobs a notice if I want to quit. Sometimes I just stop showing up completely and without even having had another job lined up.



I don't feel like my own individual person sometimes. My one friend once told me I don't have any likes or dislikes. If you were to ask me what I like to do I wouldn't even be able to answer the question. I have no hobbies. I come home, I study, I watch movies. My "hobbies" all are piggy-backed off of dating partners. I have also been told I constantly talk about myself. I actually feel physical pain (almost like nails on a chalk board) when someone other than a romantic partner says I love you or tries to hug me. I do not like affection from anyone other than a partner. I feel very disconnected.



I don't feel self sufficient. I was thinking BPD.
Dont feel bad about the things you've done. Learn from them and try to control your urges. It does work with practice and with meds if the doctor sees its needed. I'm on a mood stabilizer and antianxiety medication for my bipolar. I personally don't like to be on a lot of medications.

From 22 to 25 I went on a sex spree. I don't know the count but my relationship would last no more than 2 weeks. Sex right off the bat. The girlfriends I did have before I was 22 were quite horrible and abusive. I've spend thousands and thousands on stupid things from one great hobby or idea to the next or so I thought.

I'm bipolar 1 since I was 5 years old. I've had a lot of time to learn from a ton of bad choices. As well as learning from other bipolar people like myself to control my emotions and urges. I've tried all kinds of ways to cope but having friends like yourself is what helps me.

Also it's not really about sex but trying to fill that emptiness. Finding someone you really love and they love you back. The crazy thing I'm able to get a date with ease but from all the women I've dated I choose the worse ones. I've noticed this is the trend and the only explanation I've come up with is we pick the worse ones because we feel the good ones won't like us when they know we're bipolar. I dont like to be alone so when I'm not in a serious relationship I'll have my date spend the night.

Message me if you want to talk. I can't sleep since I've got a lot on my mind. Sleeping very little to nothing is another symptom I have when I'm manic.

Hang in there.
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Old 02-25-2019, 07:21 AM   #4
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Default Re: I know you can't diagnose, but I was wondering if someone shared similar symptoms

Mental health issues aside did you suffer abuse when you were young? As someone who did I began to see my self worth in what other men thought of me. I used to be very codependent with my boyfriends and almost always chose the bad boys. Therapy and medication helped with that. I was very fortunate to have met my husband and married him when I was 20. it was one of those movie-like, fairy-tale love at first sight things and he really saved me from myself. I will never bash him because he always has my back. We have been married for almost 24 years. I know what we have is rare so I am not trying to tell you that is what you need or that its easy to find. I do not want you to feel bad about your sexual issues. We are our own worst enemies and you do not need to perpetuate the abuse upon yourself. I only bring up past abuse(sexual/emotional/physical) because it dramatically altered my perception of men and how I related to them. I was a "willing" participant in their objectification and the more outrageous I was the more popular I thought it made me. Even in high school I was a flasher for fun and thought nothing of mooning someone. I cant believe I didnt get arrested sometimes. What you did in the past is nothing. You have the present. You need to build up your sense of self worth and I promise you you ARE worth it. I know that mental health issues probably play into things as well and i know people have brought up BPD. Well I am bipolar II and did some of the things you did and acted in similar ways before I was medicated and compliant. So I just didnt want to try and chalk it up to one thing but to encourage you to see a professional.
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Old 02-25-2019, 07:03 PM   #5
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Trig Re: I know you can't diagnose, but I was wondering if someone shared similar symptoms

I want to thank all for the responses. I was abused verbally as a child, as well as sexually (no physical touching, but an uncle watched porn with me at 11).

I think FriendlyJoe hit it with trying to fill the empty feeling. It isn't even just that I want sex, I just want to be accepted by the person and feel like I don't have any qualities to offer other than sex.

I did think of bipolar but I don't feel as if I actually have any type of manic episodes. My credit card bills climbed from going out to bars with my ex, paying, and then never paying the bills. Constantly going out to eat. Then I got fired, and continued to drink/eat and over spend with the card and do these things for 3 years and bam...hello amex $12,000 bill.

I have a terrible fear of abandonment and end up just up and sleeping with some real assholes. Like the never call you back again type assholes.

I don't see it more as manic sprees, more so just desperate attempts for affection.

Sarah, relating to your behavior in high school I do wonder though because I did similar things. I was in a LTR with a young man around 24 when I was 18-20. The relationship grew very dull for me, and I couldn't become aroused anymore. I ended up cheating, and cheating bad. Like I found some guy in the neighborhood who hosted wild parties and I just became a living sex doll there. I had an affair with a married man, then cheated on married man with guy A. I think about everything I did now, and I just want to crawl in a hole and die. What I put that poor guy through. I see now 10 years later hes married with two kids...meanwhile I am 28, pregnant, working for 10.50 an hour and just finishing an associates.

I often wonder why. It wasn't for sex. I actually have a relatively low sex drive. I feel like I relate sex to affection, but can't relate emotion to affection in some way. When the sex grew dull between us I panicked and went nuts.

Now my relationships have just been super poor. My prior bf before my ex fiance cheated on me for the entire two years, and even when I found out and was receiving death threats from the girl I STILL stayed. my ex "fiance" was a narcissist prone to severe rages. When I say severe, I mean like....you have to run out of the house because you are afraid he is going to do something to harm you. I had to leave one night barely clothed because he threw my phone against a wall which ended up cutting my hand up. He then started climbing on top of me calling me "the most worthless person in existence". I believe he may have been bi polar. He would work late into the night, wake at odd hours and work endlessly. Get his sights set on certain businesses then abandon them. Sometimes he would be perfectly normal during the day, and I would get nudged awake at like 4 am to be raged at for things. I would fall asleep, but he'd get up after and spend the night "analyzing" the situation. He was legitimately a wonderful person to be around, and a terrifying one all at the same time. I definitely sensed he had manic episodes. Therapist I told about him said bi polar or/ and NPD. This is the type of person when I hear about bi polar disorder I think of. I mean I could possibly have it, but I just can't really place some of my behaviors as manic more so than just a desperate attempt at feeling like I belong or feeling disconnected.

I think I am just growing older, and not as confident in myself to date anymore so now I am latching on to these toxic people for stability. My ex has been abusing me since about 3 months into the relationship...but he stayed. He proposed. He wanted to get me pregnant. All things that NO ONE has ever wanted with me. But now I have to start realizing that no one wanted them because it just wasn't the right time or person. Not because I am flawed. I spent too much time keeping people that weren't right out of fear.

Which is why I say BPD. I dated someone about 5 years ago for about 2 years who was also toxic. He even once said to me after attending his friends wedding he "cried because he wanted to find a love like that."...while I was sleeping next to him. Then, he told me once he thought he felt love for me, but it didn't continue. I told a few friends this and they were like, "holy god I would have gotten up and drove home."

Last edited by CrystalGirlx; 02-25-2019 at 08:21 PM..
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Old 02-25-2019, 10:29 PM   #6
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Default Re: I know you can't diagnose, but I was wondering if someone shared similar symptoms

Your impulse control sounds really severe, and you have identity issues characteristic of BPD. Impulse control is also common with ADD.

What about all the concentration and organizational issues though? They can stem from anxiety or depression or bipolar, but have you considered ADD? Are you taking medications? Health conditions ruled out?

Do you have sex to self-sooth or for attention? Does it feel like an addiction?

Concentration and organization aren't normally part of BPD, that sounds more manic if you were having mixed states. But also can come from meds or health issues.
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Old 02-25-2019, 10:40 PM   #7
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Default Re: I know you can't diagnose, but I was wondering if someone shared similar symptoms

You sound like borderline + bipolar or borderline + ADD.
What aboit behavior as a kid? Did you bang your head off walls or get in trouble a lot?
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Old 02-26-2019, 06:08 PM   #8
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Default Re: I know you can't diagnose, but I was wondering if someone shared similar symptoms

Quote:
Originally Posted by octoberful View Post
Your impulse control sounds really severe, and you have identity issues characteristic of BPD. Impulse control is also common with ADD.

What about all the concentration and organizational issues though? They can stem from anxiety or depression or bipolar, but have you considered ADD? Are you taking medications? Health conditions ruled out?

Do you have sex to self-sooth or for attention? Does it feel like an addiction?

Concentration and organization aren't normally part of BPD, that sounds more manic if you were having mixed states. But also can come from meds or health issues.

I don't have an addiction, and it's not "soothing". It is mainly just attention. I have a SEVERE lack of self worth, that has gotten progressively worse since my last few relationships have been abusive.

My head knows "This person is abusing me". But I just can't stop making justifications or going full fledged back into the relationship because I have such an intense fear of being alone. I knew full well my ex was a dangerous personality disorder'd individual, yet I still tried to plan a life with him and ended up getting pregnant...ON PURPOSE.

I now have to deal with the police, threats of restraining orders, and him threatening to sue me because he believes im unfit and just other random outbursts of his delusions of me. He literally places his OWN disfunctions onto me, often having intense rage episodes and then speaking as if the incident never happened and calling me a pathological liar. I KNEW he was like this, and I KNEW he was dangerous. I just kept going because the idea of being alone to me was terrifying. I began researching how to sooth NPD rages, calm paranoid partners, and every which way how to deal with someone with severe personality disorders and just let him dish out unspeakable verbal abuse onto me.
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Old 02-27-2019, 07:30 AM   #9
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Default Re: I know you can't diagnose, but I was wondering if someone shared similar symptoms

BPD is accurate if this is pervasive. It could also be a mixed mood episode.

For BPD, you have to meet five of these nine traits:

Quote:
Traits involving emotions:
Quite frequently people with Borderline Personality Disorder have a very hard time with control of their emotions – they may even feel ruled by them.
1. Shifts in mood lasting only a few hours.
2. Anger that is inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable.
Traits involving behavior:
3. Self-destructive acts (such as self-mutilation) or suicidal threats that happen more than once.
4. Two potentially impulsive, self-damaging behaviors (could include alcohol and/or drug abuse, gambling, compulsive spending, compulsive sexual behavior, eating disorders, shoplifting, and/or reckless driving).
Traits involving identity:
5. Marked, persistent identity disturbance shown by uncertainty in at least two areas (could include self-image, friendships, sexual orientation, career choice or other long-term goals, and/or values). People with BPD may not feel like they know who they are, what they think, what their opinions are, or what religion they should be. Instead, they may try to be what they think other people want them to be. [Someone with BPD said, "I have a hard time figuring out my personality. I tend to be whomever I'm with."]
6. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom.
Traits involving relationships:
7. Unstable, chaotic, intense relationships characterized by splitting (self and others are
seen as "all good" or "all bad.").
8. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
Alternating clinging and distancing behaviors (wanting to be close to someone, but when getting close it feels too close and then they feel like they have to get some space) – this happens often. Great difficulty trusting people and themselves (early trust may have been shattered by people who were close to them). Sensitivity to criticism or rejection. Feeling of "needing" someone else to survive. Heavy need for affection and reassurance.
9. Transient, stress-related, paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.–feeling "out of it," or not being able to remember what they said or did. This mostly happens in times of severe stress.
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Old 02-27-2019, 05:38 PM   #10
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Default Re: I know you can't diagnose, but I was wondering if someone shared similar symptoms

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anatta View Post
BPD is accurate if this is pervasive. It could also be a mixed mood episode.

For BPD, you have to meet five of these nine traits:

I actually meet pretty much every single one of them. This has continued for a long time.

I plan on getting on medication again once the pregnancy is over. It really explains a lot of the issues i've had over the years.
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