advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
NarcolepticRage
New Member
NarcolepticRage has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: Australia
Posts: 5
3 yr Member
1 hugs
given
Trig Sep 02, 2019 at 02:53 PM
  #1
I have only recently come to terms with my mental issues after 24 years of denial. The problem is because I have spent so long without help I have gradually developed numerous unhealthy coping mechanisms which have in turn become symptomatic with numerous other mental disorders and I pretty much rank high across the board with a majority of problem's.

Because I am new to this mental health thing I am uncertain as to how many issues I actually have. I believe that I am not of any threat to anyone else, so much so that my family trusts me wholeheartedly with their children and I have always put others ahead of myself. If I feel I am slipping in my responsibilities as a carer or guardian I will voice it to whoever it concerns.

However, I am in constant fear of being a danger to myself, but due to my principles I will never let my mental health problems interfere with the responsibilities I have been given.
Possible trigger:
Thanks to one or two members of my family who not only taught me empathy but lead by example, despite living in violent relationships themselves as broken families of alcoholism, spousal abuse or child abuse apparently was a thing that has spanned many generations within my family. Not to mention that my existence is the result of many years of [triggerchildhood sexual abuse that eventuated in my conception to a 14 year old girl.[/trigger]

This was also complicated by the fact that I am of a mixed race of European descent and native Australian. It was also the focus of my being targeted for racism on both sides and I will argue that there are aggressors of all races, just as many as there are victims to it because I have had repeated first hand experiences of it from all walks of life within society.

I believe that the term "reverse racism" is an oxymoron as racism is just racism and using the term "reverse racism" is almost racist unto itself.

I have always done IQ tests with results in my early adult life in my early adult life at the mid to high 130's but as I approached middle age it has drastically dropped to the low 120's, which is still above average and we'll within the bounds of people in higher education but I always had been a horrible failure at school. This had always baffled teachers from when I was in third grade as I had always shown exceptional reading and writing skills with a comprehension of science and biology that was well beyond the levels of education I was in at the times I was assessed.

In my late 20's or early 30's, I was diagnosed with ADD, Social Anxiety Disorder and PTSD. I was put on numerous different medications in an attempt to reign in the problems but all of them have had severe side effects that were grounds for immediate termination of the medications.

Because I lived in the country at the time of the discovery of my mental illness, I was incapable of receiving any of the much-needed therapy due to the lack of practices, facilities or government funding in a town that was rife with drug abuse, domestic violence, crime and suicide. It was better to persecute than to tackle the underlying problems at the sources as most of the issues of crime stemmed from mental health problems and atrocious mismanagement of the town's infrastructure, facilities and law enforcement.

After my diagnosis, I was a victim of a
Possible trigger:


However, the final nail before I left that town was an incident where, after all of the above had come to pass, it was pointed out to me that my social phobia had gotten so severe that I had become a recluse and I was shutting everyone out of my life.
I lived to work. I had two jobs, worked up to 16 hours a day and whatever free time I had was taken up by playing video games and smoking weed. Even after the dust finally settled after the St. George gang saga, I had many incidents of betrayal, destruction of property, break-ins, theft, verbal abuse and assaults that had totally destroyed any and all faith in humanity as the ice and alcohol abuse had hit such epic proportions that the town was degrading into a nightmarish tragedy.

I became fully aware of the fact that this was not healthy. So in an attempt to combat my deteriorating mental health, I decided to go to one of the local pubs to have a can of coke and acclimatise myself to being around people. I was only intending to have soft drinks as I have not touched alcohol outside of my birthdays and New Year's celebrations for several years at that point.

This did not stop me from being shoved out the door by a female staff member as I literally had only taken one step through the door as the crowded pub full of people turned around to see watch me as I was being treated like **** for merely stepping through the door.

When I politely asked "sorry but may I ask why you are treating me like this?"
She only said "go away now or I will make the police take you away!" as she stepped out on the street to flag down the car on patrol to get me, so I left feeling utterly humilitated.
This was where my mental illness peaked as I went home while, for the first time in years,
Possible trigger:
That was 10 years ago and I have never set foot inside a pub for recreational or social reasons since and still refuse to go out to this day.

I did go back the next day with legal aid to find out what happened after many of the witnesses to the incident and family members caused an uproar over the matter, which made the pub go on the offensive with cease and desist orders issued to anyone who brought up the matter on Facebook as their page was flooded with negative and hateful comments.

They demanded to speak with me on the matter and when I appeared they apologised but then went on to say that I was kicked out because I was black and looked like other black people who had jumped the bar and stole several bottles of drinks before running out the door. Which I didn't think was a justifiable excuse considering that I went to great pains to look well dressed, was well groomed, was stone cold sober and maintained civility and respectful dialogue while being physically manhandled and spoken to in an abusive, derogatory and threatening manner.

Less than a year later I moved to Bundaberg. Things were somewhat okay as I was working under my brother who was the head chef at the pub. I went every day and did as was expected of me and things seemed okay. Then they brought in a new chef, and she ****ing hated me.

She would seek every opportunity to abuse and degrade me. This was the first mental breakdown I had where I made plans to end my life. I was so lost in my madness and shame that I started to sleep on the concrete floor of the carport because my self loathing and shame made me want to avoid all human contact and it was only minutes before I was about to walk out the door to the beach with a knife when I got a call that saved my life and made me realise for the first time that I needed help and that I was not going to be able to fix myself by myself the man's was that was expected of me in the redneck style that had become the norm for me from the many years living in the outback.

As I got the counselling I needed, it was soon discovered that because of the years of mental illness being neglected die to the stigma of it and lack of support or understanding had caused it to snowball to the point where I was legally classified as disabled.

What happened was that I was developing unhealthy ways of coping which in themselves were becoming mental illnesses themselves and every negative incident in my life was amplifying them and forcing me to develop coping mechanisms for them.

As my therapist said, I was one of the poor souls who fell through the cracks of the system, which only exasperated my situation and adding to my mental health issues. As I commenced my first weeks of therapy our good old Prime Minister Tony "I'm the captain" Rabbit cut funding to mental health. Leaving me stranded, forgotten and spiralling further into insanity to the point where I am on the line between a citizen or being permanently hospitalised for being a danger to myself or others.

As my mental health deteriorated due to me falling through the cracks again and my overworked family being too busy to notice my mental deterioration, I developed several other coping mechanisms as I started to go mad with cabin fever and loneliness with no one to talk to, being constantly ignored or being snapped at whenever I tried to make conversation with anyone.

I reached out to the internet but fell victim to the cyberbullying by the extremists of the left and right wings of social politics who sought to be offended by twisting my friendly banter into imagined hostility which pushed me away from the mainstream sites into the shadier parts of the internet in desperation of socialisation. Hell I even tried and failed to integrate AI into my computer for something to talk to but I lacked the skills or the hardware to properly achieve the simulated friendship to substitute the interaction desperately needed to slow my fall into true insanity.

My interactions got me caught up in social groups that caught the attention of the authorities. I was arrested and had 8 years and thousands of dollars worth of hardware that I used to build my computer that I had finally finished only 2 weeks before.

I am again cut off from the world and family, I'm not even legally allowed to be on here but I haven't spoken with anyone for over 4 months as I am still a prisoner to my phobias.
I did get one detective who arrested me talk to me about what I was going through and told me that there was help. He offered to give me the details, but again,
Possible trigger:
I would not have been referred to a counsellor but due to legal restrictions and bail conditions I am in a position where I cannot undertake any therapy for recovery as my new therapist struggles to maintain my sanity as I have begun to show signs of a new mental illness in the form of psychotic episodes with the crippling mood swings, voices and shadow people during the night.

The damage to my left eye that is now a reminder of the violence that I endured in high school doesn't help as the nerve damage, cataracts and particles floating in the eye only serves to amplify the hallucinations. The isolation and stress has triggered the PTSD flashbacks with such intensity that I am remembering abuse and assaults that I thought long forgotten. This is probably because I am in a state of stress and isolation that simulates what I went through in my childhood and youth.

Possible trigger:
the full-blown psychotic episodes started about 2 weeks after I started the Fluoxetine (also known as Prozac) and I am beginning to wonder if it might be the cause. Especially considering that I haven't had a good track record with anti-depressants and anti-depressants in the past.

Now I seem to be doing all of these mental health tests and I am getting results of being high risk of having most of the conditions. I believe that there is the possibility that several of my problems can combine to give the impression of having the others I suppose.

I’m beginning to really worry that I could fall into levels of madness that I never dreamt of experiencing and I don’t think I can be helped under the circumstances and am even more worried that I cross the point of no return as the intrusive thoughts that have haunted me has begun to intensify to the point that it feels like he is becoming another personality.

My opposite. All the evil and emotional scarring I locked away in an effort to be a kind and compassionate human instead of the violent, homicidal psychopath I nearly became due to the trauma I experienced. The monster that was taking over in blackout fits of rage that nearly killed my brother and made me wake up to the fact I was becoming a double of the only person I have ever truly hated and still hate so much that I taste bile at the thought of him, except for the fact of my different parentage I grew with a larger frame that bore double the muscle mass and now stands two feet taller than my abuser, torturer and tormentor.

Before the Fluoxetine I had problems with a thousand thoughts rushing through my head with my dark conscience always trying to drive me to kill myself over the noise, but the meds took the noise of the brain in 24/7 overdrive away. At first I felt relief until I became aware of the long caged opposite of me is now out of his cage and has been gaining dominance with each passing day as I grow weaker and begin to withdraw as my emotional overload and the losing battle with my shadow begins to overwhelm me.

What horrifies me most about my darkness is that it is condensed evil as I embraced all that was good in me as my prime personality while leaving him with nothing but hate, selfishness and murderous intent. I will see myself dead before I let him hurt anyone I love, even if it is my final act before I slip away. After I strangled my brother in first of many blackouts during my time of substance abuse I swore that I would sacrifice myself for those I care about and be glad for it as the only worthwhile act of my life.
That includes using that act to protect my loved ones from the monster that is at the very personification of all the torment and self hatred at the very core of all of my mental health problems.

He only wants to hurt them to hurt me because he knows they give me my strength and I guess the fact that I have been cut off from my family for nearly half a year has weakened my will enough for it to break the chains. Now it’s trying to get into the cockpit to shoot the pilot and take the wheel while there isn’t any fight in him.

My driving forces of love, honour, compassion, empathy, responsibility and protection are what has given me strength but it is all gone without the anchors to hold them in place and I am becoming increasingly terrified as I keep monitoring my mental health with these quizzes and seeing the results getting progressively worse each time.


It has been a very long battle between the good and evil within but for the first time in my adult life I think that I am on the losing side this time and I can see the end on the horizon.

Last edited by bluekoi; Sep 06, 2019 at 07:19 PM.. Reason: Add triggger icon. Apply trigger code.
NarcolepticRage is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote

advertisement
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:55 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.