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Anonymous48813
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#21
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Oh wow I never saw it abusive what my mum did with the knife. Tha k you for telling me that. It's really insightful. Well...I have a few issues myself I saw due to abuse. When I was ten I was daignosed with OCD. My mum would go on about how "lucky" I was to get into public health care. I dont think she could accept how bad I was. Then about 4 years ago I was daignosed with traits of Borderline personality disorder. But I have been working through it and been helping. Just I can see how my is so dsyfuntional. And my family and extended family accept for my dad. Thinks she is wonderful not realise how dangerous she can be |
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TishaBuv
It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
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#22
“A couple years ago she held a knife to her chest because she was angry at her own mum for some reason.. she asked me and my sister if she should kill herself. It was very scary and still affects me to this day. My sister and I were frozen. She eventually put the knife in the draw and went to her bedroom.”
Your mom has done several abusive things you already mentioned, but let’s just look at this one for now: First or all, doing that was her being over the top dramatic. I doubt she’d have really stabbed herself. So she did that to get a rise out of your sister and you. She traumatized you both and she only did that for effect. That’s abuse. And seeing her do those kind of behaviors taught you to do similarly unhealthy ones yourself. If you’ve been diagnosed with borderline traits (and so have I just FYI), you probably are feeling this unhealthy way because you subconsciously learned it from watching her. I’ve spent much self reflection about my mother and myself and the symbiotic relationship between mental illness or just learned behaviors. This may be a good place for you to begin with a therapist to discuss. I hope you can get a good one. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Grand Magnate
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#23
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When I've been in a . . . "activated state"? "emotional flashback"? I've acted in ways that were hurtful and traumatizing to my children, now adults, but I was so into my state they, like, weren't even there. Not as people who my actions might affect. Not as my children, whom I loved. Therapy has not, did not, help much so I'm disinclined at this point to use therapist language in this kind of situation. Including "abusive" even if that was the effect. I agree it's important to understand how these kinds of behavior on the part of our parents affected us. And, as a parent after the fact, it feels "good", if not pleasant, to be able to feel and understand how similar behaviors on my part may have affected my children, daughter in particular. But attributing intention to what the OP's mother did is something else. If she was upset about her own mother -- well, these things do tend to get passed down, as I also know well. I can well imagine that put her in a "state" like I described. I'm not "excusing" what the OP's mother did. But for me the hardest thing has been to feel and accept how deeply hurtful and wounding was the effect on me of the behavior of female relatives in my family. It is far from easy to disengage and sort through the emotional spaghetti tangles of these distorted and unhelpful dynamics. Which, now as adults ourselves, we have to try to find some way to do, or else. . . Accepting the effect your mother's behavior had on you is one thing. I didn't find it helpful myself, though, to try to diagnose and label the persons. Label and identify the behavior, maybe. "That was narcissistic!" But a person doesn't have to have NPD in order for that to happen. |
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TicTacGo
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Member Since: Dec 2016
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#24
Hi there,
I am sorry that you endured that sort of treatment, regardless of the diagnosis or possibility thereof. I would like to note that "narcissistic" can be simply an adjective describing the behavior of an individual, and that "narcissism" is a set of traits a person can have, without being diagnosed, as that term alone is not a disorder. Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD, is the more extreme form of a certain set of "core" traits such as grandiosity, entitlement, lack of empathy, validation seeking and arrogance. Upon these are other traist such as exploitativeness, arrogance and envy. It is understood that narcissists are, at the core, extremely unaware of their fragility within; while most people will be able to identify that they do not feel enough, narcissists are not in touch with that, and act quite the opposite of how they actually feel about themselves. This is why treating narcissists can be hard; they struggle to self-reflect, and the behaviors are basically a way of coping with that turmoil. Nevertheless, it is not fair on those around them to be subjected to the acting out, the mean-spiritedness, cruelty and so forth. It is also understood by experts on narcissism that the traits fall on a sort of scale or continuum, and that some people can be fairly egocentric, but not narcissistic. They could be narcissistic, but far from meeting the criteria of NPD. Best of luck, __________________ Tic-Tac |
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