[iflyaway]

hi more and more feel like i shld feel something. ifeel such a deep sadness and like i even need to cry but i can't . i can cry sbout the baby but the actually rape i cannot cry what the hell is wrong with me?

nothing is wrong with you. some people can't and never do cry for the rape experience. I remember one time one of my abusers showed up and "got me". Inside I was wanting to scream cry you name. What did I do? Called a public assistance caseworker I had babysat her adopted son for and told her flat out while not emotional or showing any feelings - I was raped again by so and so do you know a good doctor now would not be a good time for me to get pregnant. She was at my place within 5 minutes and took me to the ER. they did the rape kit just in case and the whole time on the outside it was just another day. So much so that, that doctor told me before examining me - you do realize making a false report is illegal? you don't appear to be a rape victim so I highly doubt we will find anything. then he looked and stood up and looked at me and said is all that scarring normal for you? I looked at him and calmly told him where to put his speculum. I got dressed and we left. (Wouldn't you know he would be the one on call when years later I went into labor with my son.) to this day I don't cry for the rape situations. Its just not there. In my everyday like when something serious happens I take care of the situation and then after I shake for hows with chills and can't get warm. Rarely do I cry. Ive been told this kind of reaction is called flat affect. meaning the outside emotions just aren't there. In my case probably because I have had years of separating myself away from my feelings. So now for something like the rapes I just cant cry. I feel like it lots of times but I just cant do it so I have to release that feeling of wanting to cry in other ways like drawing writing crafts and so on. A person doesn't HAVE to cry to release the feelings and reasons behind wanting to cry and thats normal. Kind of like some people when they see someone fall they laugh instead of getting upset for them. everyone has their own way of expressing their emotions. mine happens to be through creativity, drawing and writing instead of crying. you may be one of these type people who can't cry at the drop of a hat just because you feel like crying. experiment with different things and you will soon find that medium that allows you to express that feeling of wanting to cry.

[pegasus]

iflyaway,

During severe trauma, we shut off our emotions, to save ourselves from the pain. This was a good way of coping at the time.

The fact that you are now talking about it is a good start.

Being able to release all your feelings is going to take time. I hope you have a good therapist to help you through this process.

Hugs to you.

[mtd]

Hello, I can relate to your sadness and I can relate to feeling like there is something wrong for not being able to cry or grieve. I couldn't really grieve until I found a better sense of safety. It took a long time - a really long time, and lot of work to get to that place of safety, but not because something was wrong with me, but because I was feeling afraid. If you are feeling only sadness, it could be depression. I've been told by a lot of therapists that depression in me is really my anger turned in. To turn that around, and be able to cry, I had to practice being angry at those who raped me. I started by writing down "anger statements" at them, then reading them out loud to myself and then in a support group. It was the beginning of a process of teaching myself how to be angry at them, not at me. In time, I have come to cry. This may sound strange, but I rejoice in my tears, because it took so long to claim that part of me back.

Give yourself the time you need

Be well

MTD

[kimmydawn]

In learning what I've learned in my therapy, I realized that so many emotions were "put away" into a safe place until the day that I could deal with them. I think that might be the case there as well...the emotions, and thoughts that accompany them, a put away to keep you safe.

much respect and care.

kd