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Old 11-23-2018, 02:31 PM   #1
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Default Gas lighting, Trauma, Petrificus Total is

I left my Ex-Fiance six years ago.
Little did I know that I may
Have removed myself physically
From the relationship but
I would take many years to
Get back to being myself.
He presented himself to
Everyone as my knight
In shining armour. But
Behind closed doors, the
Reality could not have
Been any further from the truth.
He was always possessive.
I knew that from the start.
But I did not know that
Was just the tip of the iceberg.
When we moved in together
Three years down the line,
I still cannot believe the lengths
He stooped to, in what he
Thought was just a game.
I was in hospital rehab at 18
And placed on longterm medication.
And my fiance, then boyfriend
Through a nudge from his parent's,
Came to visit me. So he had
Seen me at my worst. I did not
Want to carry on seeing him.
But he would come to the house
With gifts and flowers on valentines,
The sweetest card with
A Romeo and Juliet montage
That made me smile and I
Decided to give him a chance.
His heart was in the right place.
And even though he put
Me through hell, I believe that
Lauryn Hill sung it best:
Forgive them for they know
Not what they do. He thought
That as long as he never
Hit me that I had no reason
To ever leave and that was enough.
So he used every other trick
In the book. From manipulation
To accusing me of Transference.
(see Freuds defence mechanisms)
He would make jokes about me,
Belittle me, undermine me, taunt me.
If I said I will leave him
He would threaten to have,
Me sent back to the hospital.
Or treat me like a child (c.a.p.)
And say he would arrange
A meeting with my parents
To discuss why I wanted to leave.
Because he knew that I was
Mad when I found out
About the doctors meeting
With my parents without
Consulting me and he was at one.
So having a meeting was
Another way of saying:
A pre hospital meeting.
That I was not sound of mind
For wanting to leave him.
He chipped away at my
All ready damaged self esteem.
Until my body as well as
My mind felt the depression
Begin to creep in. The brain
Controls the body and
I could see the signs
Not just in my perception,
Or clouded up mind,
But my body rebelling
Or over compensating for me
Not taking care of myself
The way I should be.
But I just thought that
Was life and who as an adult
Takes time out before
Something happens? Something
Normally has to happen
Before we re-evaluate our life.
We hit a wall and then we realise
We were going too fast
And need to take,
Our foot off the gas.
And when he resorted
To gas lighting I took
A life threatening overdose.
After that he returned
To making jokes. They
Are so audacious I can
Bet that some of you
Don't know wether I
Am writing a black comedy
Or you should be shocked.

Last edited by Anonymous32895; 11-23-2018 at 03:57 PM..
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Old 11-23-2018, 03:35 PM   #2
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Default Transference

He refused to believe I was
Ever exasperated or annoyed
Because of what he had said or done.
No. I was transferring my
Hard done by feelings from
The way my step dad
Made me feel as a child and adolescent.
Look I am not David. I am not David.
Do not get riled at me.
I wont ever hit you like he did.
But compared to my blood father
He was more of a dad.
I never told Fred he hit me.
Just he was far from perfect.
And he only hit me like a
Parent smacks a kid did
Back in the day when
It was not frowned on.
It's not like he gave me
A black eye or bruises.
A swift wallop, small slap.
On the back of head.
It sounds worse than it is.
The cup was just a one off.
He lost his temper. He
Worked a full time tradesmans hours.
And he did not make
A good wage when I
Was a youngster.
The holiday. I still have not
Forgiven either of my parents for.
Or for the way they wrote
Me off after my breakdown.
But I made my peace with them.
They came round. David put up
A dart board in the lobby
For me and mum bought
Me a juke box so I did not
Plonk myself infront of the tv
Or just read and listen to music.
I could throw darts while
The music played. And it
Was a good idea for
Rainy days when taking
The dog a long walk
Was not an option. And
When my tablets were
Taken down enough I
Felt ok to go out jogging.
And David was fine if
He came home from work
And I had on sweat pants
And the dvd extra's. Chilled
Day today then. My mum
Was not so pleasant. But
I was used to seeing
More cold than hot
From her growing up.
It's just your own normal.
We know from our own
Locus of control
How to take certain people
In our lives. With salt or
Give them some slack
Because you know they
Had a tough time
Some way or another.
My mum was a forces brat.
Moved around a lot.
She had Calipers for
A time as a kid. And
My father was not
Nice to her after his stroke.
But Fred was demanding.
I had no time to sit
Around and reflect.
When I was recovering,
The wound was too fresh.
Like needing multiple operations.
It would get better
Each time I went under
But it could not be done
All in one full swoop.
I only began to look
At my own past when
I was settled at Adam's.
It was then I decided
That after all this reading,
That one day I could
Be something again.
And Fred did not like
The idea of me looking
At possibilities outside
Of the life we were making.
It did not fit his plan.
If we were both animals of prey
He belonged on land
And I was a bird that
Had it's winged clipped.
I would never be happy
On the plains when
I missed the sky.

Last edited by Anonymous32895; 11-23-2018 at 03:53 PM..
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Old 11-24-2018, 09:53 AM   #3
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Default Damaged Goods

Fred and I were together through
My month stay at hospital rehab.
And he did not even try and hide
That he saw me as damaged goods.
He actually enforced that everybody
Else saw me that way too. The
Majority of my family did and
My friends dropped like flies.
And I just never seemed to regain
Traction and get back in the
Driving seat. My family sung Freds
Praises saying that every other
Young man would have run to the hills.
So I felt indebted to him. And I
Gave him a hundred chances to leave.
I suggested we take a break.
Because he complained that we were
Not doing what normal couples
Do enough in the bedroom. But
Trying to get back to full health
Was a tincy bit more important
To me at the time as a person
Can fine well imagine when their
Life seems to have spun off orbit.
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Old 11-24-2018, 10:15 AM   #4
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Default Do you have a terminal illness?

I never wanted sympathy after rehab.
The Doctor and nursing staff
Were optimistic about me going
On to recover and live a full life.
They don't warn you about
The tainted and maimed
Reputation that would
Hang over you like a raincloud,
For the rest of your life.
There are posters for that.
See the person. Not the label.
Travis, sung why does
It always rain on me. Hospital.
Fred was so wrapped up
In himself, that when we
Moved in together I was barred
From talking about my struggles.
He had it worse. Do you have
A terminal illness that you
Will die from like my mum who
Probably won't get to meet
Some of her grandkids?? No.
You are lucky that a man
Like me stuck by you.

Last edited by Anonymous32895; 11-24-2018 at 10:31 AM..
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Old 11-24-2018, 12:29 PM   #5
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Default Mental health shouldn't be a life sentence

Some gossip blows over.
Having to have treatment
In the psychiatric ward does
Not get swept under the carpet.
I may have only spent one month
As an in-patient but it is
The support you have when
You leave that determines
Your likelihood of relapse.
And even though it seemed
As though I would be
One of the lucky ones
Who would get married
And have a family and move on.
I was still hung up on the past.
And hell hath no fury like
A woman scorned. And I
Had old scores to settle.
I never wanted this war.
But if I did not fight, then
I would drift along
As a shadow of my former self.
A tortured soul, a ghost
Unable to pass to the other side
Until someone showed
Me how to find the door.
When I was on a cto, I was
In a session to share what
Obstacles we face on discharge.
And eveyone admitted : the loneliness.
I only said the boredom
As I would end up drinking.
And I said to the nurse when
We went a drive to the beach a week
Later that it seemed like
Some of them did not want to go home.
And they said that people
Get used to feeling safe
In the communal living space.

Last edited by Anonymous32895; 11-24-2018 at 12:46 PM..
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Old 11-24-2018, 01:21 PM   #6
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Default Damaged goods forever more

If Fred had just said:
I do not think there
Is anything wrong with you,
You are perfect
Just the way you are.
Then my heart may
Have thawed out and
I would have considered
That we had a future.
I would have maybe
Forgiven him for all
The times he reminded
Me of the people who
Told him I was not worth it.
Because it was just
Town folk gossip that
Would be ridden over
When the dust settled.
But words failed Fred
When it came to me.
He never fought very hard
To stop me leaving in the end.
I fought so hard to get
Back out into the world.
He saw I was determined
And he saw something
In me that my family
Never attempted to nourish.
And I will give him that.
But there was always something
Holding him back. His
Conflict between what he felt
For me and what others
Had expressed in the past.
If he wasnt willing to
Move on with me then
I would do it alone.
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Old 11-26-2018, 05:50 AM   #7
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Default Not damaged goods but survivors

I would take a bullet for you.
That did not come from
The heart, but Hollywood films.
There is nothing wrong with you,
I love you just the way you are.
That was what I waited years
For you to say or something akin.
If you took a second to think
Then you would have said that
You loved me just the way I was,
And that I had got over my troubles
And there was nothing wrong with me.
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Old 11-27-2018, 04:44 AM   #8
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Default Were you raped?

Fred asked me directly one night
After we had been on town:
There has to be a reason
Why you got ill because
You were not a druggie
Like a lot of them up there
Were you attacked, that way
When you were young?
And I was hesitant and
He said just tell me.
And I say someone attempted to
But I can't tell you.
Like many I blamed myself.
For letting myself be alone with them.
And I thought that this person
Was just using me as,
I was too ugly to be their girlfriend.
They never went through with it,
But they tried many many times.
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Old 11-27-2018, 04:58 AM   #9
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Default Re: Gas lighting, deny, deny, denial.

Its all in your mind.
I am not an abuser,
It was David and
You think I am him.
You are the one
Bringing me doon, wooo-man.
Nobody will believe
You over me.
You don't want to leave,
It is your true colours,
Your coming the c^nt.
I never said you were a sluttt.
You were drunk.
Your mind was
Playing tricks on you.
I am fine after work.
I barely ever swear.
I never said you
Used to be a man.
I never said you
Were a dyk^ either.
Sean says you canna
Get enough of me
And I have to let
You down gently
So I can get mare sleep.
Your mind is
A compulsive liar.
You need help.
You need to speak
To someone fix
Up your heed, hunny bunny.
Then they will
Tell you what a
Good man you
Really have and it's
Aaah in your heed.
You have no proper pals
Left cause you
Were in ward fuking fou-wer.
Fowk only speak to you
As they feel sorry for you.
Who will want to
Be friends with you noo.
You need help
To help you see
That the likes of YOU
Will never find another man
That is like me.
I never said that.
I never called you that.
I did not do that.
I did not ask you
To do that, you were dreaming.

Last edited by Anonymous32895; 11-27-2018 at 05:31 AM..
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Old 11-27-2018, 05:38 AM   #10
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Default Re: Threats. I will have you committed..

I never said that.
I am going to phone
Your mum and dad
See what they say.
I am an adult Fred!
I am more of an adult
Than my parents are,
You of all people know
What they are like.
Fred: You can't leave.
Your not thinking straight.
Me: I am serious.
If you keep treating
Me this way I am gone.
Oh well, I will go phone
Your mum and dad
And we will have a meeting.
You know the outcome, hm?
Still want to leave?
I thought so.
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