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#1
I left my Ex-Fiance six years ago.
Little did I know that I may Have removed myself physically From the relationship but I would take many years to Get back to being myself. He presented himself to Everyone as my knight In shining armour. But Behind closed doors, the Reality could not have Been any further from the truth. He was always possessive. I knew that from the start. But I did not know that Was just the tip of the iceberg. When we moved in together Three years down the line, I still cannot believe the lengths He stooped to, in what he Thought was just a game. I was in hospital rehab at 18 And placed on longterm medication. And my fiance, then boyfriend Through a nudge from his parent's, Came to visit me. So he had Seen me at my worst. I did not Want to carry on seeing him. But he would come to the house With gifts and flowers on valentines, The sweetest card with A Romeo and Juliet montage That made me smile and I Decided to give him a chance. His heart was in the right place. And even though he put Me through hell, I believe that Lauryn Hill sung it best: Forgive them for they know Not what they do. He thought That as long as he never Hit me that I had no reason To ever leave and that was enough. So he used every other trick In the book. From manipulation To accusing me of Transference. (see Freuds defence mechanisms) He would make jokes about me, Belittle me, undermine me, taunt me. If I said I will leave him He would threaten to have, Me sent back to the hospital. Or treat me like a child (c.a.p.) And say he would arrange A meeting with my parents To discuss why I wanted to leave. Because he knew that I was Mad when I found out About the doctors meeting With my parents without Consulting me and he was at one. So having a meeting was Another way of saying: A pre hospital meeting. That I was not sound of mind For wanting to leave him. He chipped away at my All ready damaged self esteem. Until my body as well as My mind felt the depression Begin to creep in. The brain Controls the body and I could see the signs Not just in my perception, Or clouded up mind, But my body rebelling Or over compensating for me Not taking care of myself The way I should be. But I just thought that Was life and who as an adult Takes time out before Something happens? Something Normally has to happen Before we re-evaluate our life. We hit a wall and then we realise We were going too fast And need to take, Our foot off the gas. And when he resorted To gas lighting I took A life threatening overdose. After that he returned To making jokes. They Are so audacious I can Bet that some of you Don't know wether I Am writing a black comedy Or you should be shocked. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 23, 2018 at 04:57 PM.. |
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Betty_Banana, Marylin
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#2
He refused to believe I was
Ever exasperated or annoyed Because of what he had said or done. No. I was transferring my Hard done by feelings from The way my step dad Made me feel as a child and adolescent. Look I am not David. I am not David. Do not get riled at me. I wont ever hit you like he did. But compared to my blood father He was more of a dad. I never told Fred he hit me. Just he was far from perfect. And he only hit me like a Parent smacks a kid did Back in the day when It was not frowned on. It's not like he gave me A black eye or bruises. A swift wallop, small slap. On the back of head. It sounds worse than it is. The cup was just a one off. He lost his temper. He Worked a full time tradesmans hours. And he did not make A good wage when I Was a youngster. The holiday. I still have not Forgiven either of my parents for. Or for the way they wrote Me off after my breakdown. But I made my peace with them. They came round. David put up A dart board in the lobby For me and mum bought Me a juke box so I did not Plonk myself infront of the tv Or just read and listen to music. I could throw darts while The music played. And it Was a good idea for Rainy days when taking The dog a long walk Was not an option. And When my tablets were Taken down enough I Felt ok to go out jogging. And David was fine if He came home from work And I had on sweat pants And the dvd extra's. Chilled Day today then. My mum Was not so pleasant. But I was used to seeing More cold than hot From her growing up. It's just your own normal. We know from our own Locus of control How to take certain people In our lives. With salt or Give them some slack Because you know they Had a tough time Some way or another. My mum was a forces brat. Moved around a lot. She had Calipers for A time as a kid. And My father was not Nice to her after his stroke. But Fred was demanding. I had no time to sit Around and reflect. When I was recovering, The wound was too fresh. Like needing multiple operations. It would get better Each time I went under But it could not be done All in one full swoop. I only began to look At my own past when I was settled at Adam's. It was then I decided That after all this reading, That one day I could Be something again. And Fred did not like The idea of me looking At possibilities outside Of the life we were making. It did not fit his plan. If we were both animals of prey He belonged on land And I was a bird that Had it's winged clipped. I would never be happy On the plains when I missed the sky. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 23, 2018 at 04:53 PM.. |
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Betty_Banana, Marylin
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#3
Fred and I were together through
My month stay at hospital rehab. And he did not even try and hide That he saw me as damaged goods. He actually enforced that everybody Else saw me that way too. The Majority of my family did and My friends dropped like flies. And I just never seemed to regain Traction and get back in the Driving seat. My family sung Freds Praises saying that every other Young man would have run to the hills. So I felt indebted to him. And I Gave him a hundred chances to leave. I suggested we take a break. Because he complained that we were Not doing what normal couples Do enough in the bedroom. But Trying to get back to full health Was a tincy bit more important To me at the time as a person Can fine well imagine when their Life seems to have spun off orbit. |
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Betty_Banana
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#4
I never wanted sympathy after rehab.
The Doctor and nursing staff Were optimistic about me going On to recover and live a full life. They don't warn you about The tainted and maimed Reputation that would Hang over you like a raincloud, For the rest of your life. There are posters for that. See the person. Not the label. Travis, sung why does It always rain on me. Hospital. Fred was so wrapped up In himself, that when we Moved in together I was barred From talking about my struggles. He had it worse. Do you have A terminal illness that you Will die from like my mum who Probably won't get to meet Some of her grandkids?? No. You are lucky that a man Like me stuck by you. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 24, 2018 at 11:31 AM.. |
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#5
Some gossip blows over.
Having to have treatment In the psychiatric ward does Not get swept under the carpet. I may have only spent one month As an in-patient but it is The support you have when You leave that determines Your likelihood of relapse. And even though it seemed As though I would be One of the lucky ones Who would get married And have a family and move on. I was still hung up on the past. And hell hath no fury like A woman scorned. And I Had old scores to settle. I never wanted this war. But if I did not fight, then I would drift along As a shadow of my former self. A tortured soul, a ghost Unable to pass to the other side Until someone showed Me how to find the door. When I was on a cto, I was In a session to share what Obstacles we face on discharge. And eveyone admitted : the loneliness. I only said the boredom As I would end up drinking. And I said to the nurse when We went a drive to the beach a week Later that it seemed like Some of them did not want to go home. And they said that people Get used to feeling safe In the communal living space. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 24, 2018 at 01:46 PM.. |
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#6
If Fred had just said:
I do not think there Is anything wrong with you, You are perfect Just the way you are. Then my heart may Have thawed out and I would have considered That we had a future. I would have maybe Forgiven him for all The times he reminded Me of the people who Told him I was not worth it. Because it was just Town folk gossip that Would be ridden over When the dust settled. But words failed Fred When it came to me. He never fought very hard To stop me leaving in the end. I fought so hard to get Back out into the world. He saw I was determined And he saw something In me that my family Never attempted to nourish. And I will give him that. But there was always something Holding him back. His Conflict between what he felt For me and what others Had expressed in the past. If he wasnt willing to Move on with me then I would do it alone. |
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#7
I would take a bullet for you.
That did not come from The heart, but Hollywood films. There is nothing wrong with you, I love you just the way you are. That was what I waited years For you to say or something akin. If you took a second to think Then you would have said that You loved me just the way I was, And that I had got over my troubles And there was nothing wrong with me. |
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#8
Fred asked me directly one night
After we had been on town: There has to be a reason Why you got ill because You were not a druggie Like a lot of them up there Were you attacked, that way When you were young? And I was hesitant and He said just tell me. And I say someone attempted to But I can't tell you. Like many I blamed myself. For letting myself be alone with them. And I thought that this person Was just using me as, I was too ugly to be their girlfriend. They never went through with it, But they tried many many times. |
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#9
Its all in your mind.
I am not an abuser, It was David and You think I am him. You are the one Bringing me doon, wooo-man. Nobody will believe You over me. You don't want to leave, It is your true colours, Your coming the c^nt. I never said you were a sluttt. You were drunk. Your mind was Playing tricks on you. I am fine after work. I barely ever swear. I never said you Used to be a man. I never said you Were a dyk^ either. Sean says you canna Get enough of me And I have to let You down gently So I can get mare sleep. Your mind is A compulsive liar. You need help. You need to speak To someone fix Up your heed, hunny bunny. Then they will Tell you what a Good man you Really have and it's Aaah in your heed. You have no proper pals Left cause you Were in ward fuking fou-wer. Fowk only speak to you As they feel sorry for you. Who will want to Be friends with you noo. You need help To help you see That the likes of YOU Will never find another man That is like me. I never said that. I never called you that. I did not do that. I did not ask you To do that, you were dreaming. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 27, 2018 at 06:31 AM.. |
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#10
I never said that.
I am going to phone Your mum and dad See what they say. I am an adult Fred! I am more of an adult Than my parents are, You of all people know What they are like. Fred: You can't leave. Your not thinking straight. Me: I am serious. If you keep treating Me this way I am gone. Oh well, I will go phone Your mum and dad And we will have a meeting. You know the outcome, hm? Still want to leave? I thought so. |
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#11
If we had a disagreement
Fred would never lose. He would say things Like take back what You just said. It must be the other You talking. And I would say bi-polar Is changes in mood, Not in personality. And I was on top Of my affliction. I never ever got Hyper anymore I Was content on one plane. I was no longer A thrill seeker. And I drunk less than Fred By a long shot. Some nights out I drunk soft drinks. And I would always Get asked if I were expecting. And if a disagreement Got heated because I had said something true And Fred did not like it He would push My shoulders and Chest until I was Up against the wall Or a door and Say: If you don't take it back, Hit me then. He would Spit through gritted teeth Come on try hit me.HIT ME.Hit me. And he would be An inch from my face. You can't hit me So shut your piehole. I would rather you try and Hit me than argue, It solves matters easier. Instead of flapping Your gums like a b^tch Just hit me. I did not nag or shout. I just tried to talk To him. The fighting Being the main issue. He claimed he would never hit me And that my mum Was an idiot for suggesting He would fight with His own shadow. That was complete bull. It actually summed Up Fred to a tee. Fred then discovered That he could end A disagreement By saying : come on hit me. Let's settle this : HIT me. I was intimidated by him. And that could possibly Why our arguments Frizzled out. Were We getting on better? Or was I scared of him? |
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