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Old 01-12-2019, 10:51 PM #1
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Default Why is it wrong?

Ok so 3 years ago, my husband used to psychologically and emotionally abuse me. As a result, I looked on the internet for positive attention and generally ended up in online relationships that way. Was it right, no. I realize that. It was a way for me to cope. It literally terrified me to leave because I also have borderline personality disorder and at the time had three dogs which he (at the time) refused to let me vaccinate and then threatened to tell the cops if ever I left .. or to kill them. (Now we have them vaccinated and he no longer abuses me.) He used to tell me
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. Everytime we get in an argument, he brings up my unfaithfulness. But today, he was talking about the weapons (in a non-threatening way) he has in the house. I told him they used to scare me, and tried to explain I still have PTSD over those. He accused me of wanting to start a fight. Was I truly wrong?
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Old 01-13-2019, 01:03 PM #2
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Default Re: Why is it wrong?

No you were not wrong. Why are you even still with this man?
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Old 01-13-2019, 01:28 PM #3
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Default Re: Why is it wrong?

Honestly - without getting into a huge explanation I will just say the reason we are together again is a God thing. Neither of us intended nor wanted it - we were both in process of moving to different places (and were already separated phtsically and divorced) but got slammed back together (as in living conditions) just before we moved and put in a position where it needed to be long term. During that time we learned to get along, regained the love, and eventually remarried. We only really have problems when one brings up the past .. but there has never been any abuse since I moved back.
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Old 01-15-2019, 03:54 AM #4
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Default Re: Why is it wrong?

I understand what you are saying but what made him change? Did he seek professional help ? I ask because some marriages can be saved when a partner gets the help they need but when the partner just stuffs away those old emotions and behaviors its only a matter of time before they come out again.
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Old 01-15-2019, 06:11 AM #5
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Default Re: Why is it wrong?

He is dangerous; he may go back to his old ways. Talking about weapons IS thretening...or can be....it can be a covert way of scaring you.
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Old 01-15-2019, 08:24 AM #6
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Default Re: Why is it wrong?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind View Post
Ok so 3 years ago, my husband used to psychologically and emotionally abuse me. As a result, I looked on the internet for positive attention and generally ended up in online relationships that way. Was it right, no. I realize that. It was a way for me to cope. It literally terrified me to leave because I also have borderline personality disorder and at the time had three dogs which he (at the time) refused to let me vaccinate and then threatened to tell the cops if ever I left .. or to kill them. (Now we have them vaccinated and he no longer abuses me.) He used to tell me
Possible trigger:
. Everytime we get in an argument, he brings up my unfaithfulness. But today, he was talking about the weapons (in a non-threatening way) he has in the house. I told him they used to scare me, and tried to explain I still have PTSD over those. He accused me of wanting to start a fight. Was I truly wrong?
no its not wrong, its normal to bring up the past in relationships. that said my wife and I were taught by a couples therapist that no one wants to be reminded of wrongdoings in the past when they have worked hard to make changes in their lives. your husband for what ever reasons is no longer abusive and no longer acting out with the weapons so now when some one brings up those days its like getting a slap in the face and saying even though you have changed I still dont trust you.

example there is a certain thing my abusers used to do that is common to what my wife used to do. now she doesnt do that because she has made changes in her life and i have made changes in mine.

I used to say to her "because you did this I have this problem still...."

that statement made her feel responsible for my problems and that I still didnt trust her and that all the work she and I did together to make changes in our lives counted for nothing.

think of it this way.... think of something you know you did, maybe it was last month, last year or so ago that you know deeply was not right and could have hurt someone. now think about how you would feel today if every time you turned around that situation got thrown in your face that you did it and could have hurt someone because of your negative behavior... not a good feeling right,... thats how your husband may be feeling. he has made all these changes to move forwards and gets slapped in the face with his bad behavior and choices of the past.

through the couples therapy I learned no one wants to be reminded of things they did wrong even though someone else may still have a problem with it. I learned how to leave the past in the past, with my wife, in regards to our marriage and relationship and move on recognizing and honoring the positive changes in our lives, instead of dwelling on the bad things in the past that are done and over with.

instead just like my other problem, when I am having problems because of the past I take those issues to my therapist.

my suggestion is work with a therapist on your PTSD issues and keep the marriage moving forwards. (unless of course you decide to leave this marriage and then the problem will probably become part of the grounds for divorce again)

Last edited by amandalouise; 01-15-2019 at 11:15 AM.
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Old 01-15-2019, 01:41 PM #7
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Default Re: Why is it wrong?

You're not wrong. He's wrong.



IDK how you feel safe living with him when he has a bunch of weapons though.


I'm unsure what to suggest though.
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Old 01-15-2019, 01:59 PM #8
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Default Re: Why is it wrong?

Ok .. just gonna respond to things that were raised here that seem to be misunderstandings

#1 It has been over 3 years since any abuse has occurred and he shows no signs of it even surfacing. He gets frustrated or etc with life and does the whole taking it out on me just like any other person does to the ones they are closest to - but not in the abusive verbal bashing or physically threatening way .. just like the gripey flippant tone everytime you do or say something bc he is in a bad mood and then apologizes almost as soon as he is calm. That's something most all of us do. He is not perfect, no. None of us are. But this is a case where God brought us back together, we did not seek each other out not did we intend on staying together once we did meet again - but we were forced into that situation and we needed to make the best of it. We were already legally divorced and I had restraining orders on him, so legally he could have had me arrested. He chose not to. We chose to get along. We found a way to be roommates, then friends, then lovers, and eventually with a lot of prodding from God he asked me to remarry him.. I asked him about 10 times if he was sure he wanted to do this bc last time he said I trapped him into it .. he said yes .. So I agreed. We have been remarried now for over one and a half years, and lived together for a bit over 2 years before remarrying. If his anger ever does rise to a point that I believe he may turn abusive if he goes any further, I tell him and he leaves the room. If his behaviors start seeming controlling in any way we talk about why he is doing it to see if it is legit or if it is something he is not aware he is doing or if he is in some way trying to control me. Next, this is the first time I have been the one to open up the subject of our past in a way to tell him how it still affects me. Normally it is him who opens up that subject when he is angry at me to express how I failed him as a wife before and why his trust is still not 100% and the main reason he married me was bc God told him to. Those are things spoken in anger though. When I speak on sensitive things, I try to do it at a time I am not angry o I can express things rationally - he, prefers to bottle up the things he does not like to look at so when they come out is when we argue. He does better at not bottling as long bc I keep reminding him that's why things get bad, but it's something he grew up having to do for survival so it is something he is having to work very hard at breaking. That being said, jyst as he cannot bottle feelings for a healthy relationship, nor can I. Communication is key, but it needs to be done in a healthy way.

For instance.. when I bring up the past, I bring up his actions and how it made me feel and the fact it was a lot of the cause for me having online affairs, even though I know it is not a good excuse nor is there any good excuse but it is still the truth (and yes that is how I say it .. I take full responsibility for my actions but also let my reasoning be known). When he brings up the past it is in anger - so rather than bringing up my actions and how it made him feel he says I
Possible trigger:
and says that is also abuse and asks how I think that made him feel. So .. it is in effect bringing up actions and how it made him feel but in a very negative way bc he is already upset when talking about it and he refuses to talk about it any other time.

We used to go to counseling before we were divorced trying to fix our marriage - both his abuse and my cheating, but instead of helping they just took sides and pit us against one another even further. One even said to me "well no wonder he treats you like that - look how you treat him!" right in front of him, another said to him "she's not doing anything wrong, she's just reacting to what you are doing" in front of me. So .. neither of us trust counselors at this point and are just trying to heal our marriage with God's help .. He's been the best counselor so far. ❤

So, hopefully that clears up confusions.

My question though is - am I wrong for trying to bring up how I still feel with weapons around at times .. it's not all the time, just sometimes .. or is it something I should jyst try to resolve within myself?
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Old 01-15-2019, 02:34 PM #9
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Default Re: Why is it wrong?

You asked what people thought and it sounds like you do not like the opinions you got. I will not say that someone cant change..I am an alcoholic in recovery and I changed. I know tons of addicts who served time in prison and committed domestic violence and they changed so it IS possible. I think the hard part of changing in this sense is that you are saying it can creep in a little bit.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind View Post
If his anger ever does rise to a point that I believe he may turn abusive if he goes any further, I tell him and he leaves the room. If his behaviors start seeming controlling in any way we talk about why he is doing it to see if it is legit or if it is something he is not aware he is doing or if he is in some way trying to control me.
Are you saying his anger has risen to the point where you fear violence and have had to tell him to leave the room? Or is that a hypothetical example?

Quote:
Next, this is the first time I have been the one to open up the subject of our past in a way to tell him how it still affects me. Normally it is him who opens up that subject when he is angry at me to express how I failed him as a wife before and why his trust is still not 100% and the main reason he married me was bc God told him to.
That is really sad. Sad that you reunited and he would say that to you.

Quote:
Those are things spoken in anger though. When I speak on sensitive things, I try to do it at a time I am not angry o I can express things rationally - he, prefers to bottle up the things he does not like to look at so when they come out is when we argue.
Yes, said in anger but that doesnt mean its ok.

Quote:
For instance.. when I bring up the past, I bring up his actions and how it made me feel and the fact it was a lot of the cause for me having online affairs, even though I know it is not a good excuse nor is there any good excuse but it is still the truth (and yes that is how I say it .. I take full responsibility for my actions but also let my reasoning be known). When he brings up the past it is in anger - so rather than bringing up my actions and how it made him feel he says I
Possible trigger:
and says that is also abuse and asks how I think that made him feel. So .. it is in effect bringing up actions and how it made him feel but in a very negative way bc he is already upset when talking about it and he refuses to talk about it any other time.
It sounds like he is allowed to disparage you and throw your mistakes in your face but you are not allowed to say what bothered you. If you really want to talk about the past abuse I do not feel that telling him that his behavior was why you cheated to be helpful or necessary. It doesnt matter why you cheated anymore than it matters why he was abusive. You both were wrong.

Quote:
My question though is - am I wrong for trying to bring up how I still feel with weapons around at times .. it's not all the time, just sometimes .. or is it something I should jyst try to resolve within myself?
I do not think you are wrong. What kind of weapons are we talking about?
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Old 01-15-2019, 04:48 PM #10
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Default Re: Why is it wrong?

First, it is not that I do not like the answers I got - but just that incorrect assumptions were made. When that is done, one cannot receive a good answer bc the incorrect information is what the answer is based upon. It is the same as if a child asks "mom, what does 5x4 equal?" And the mom says "5+4 equals 9". Part of the information used was correct, the 5 and 4; but part was also incorrect, the type of mathematical function, which led to an incorrect answer. People need all the correct information to give good sound advice. If part of the information gets left out, confused, or misunderstood, it needs to be clarified. I was clarifying the information.

Now - onto the remainder of your comment.

I have never had to tell him to leave the room, that is how he chooses to handle it. I never allow it to get to the point where it may lead to abuse, I tell him when it looks as if it could.

It is sad that he says it to me, yes, but it is also important that he is open and honest and able to be that way. That is something he was never able to do before our divorce which is in part what led to the huge blowouts. When someone stuffs too many things, eventually they either explode or implode or both and the aftermath is never good. What he does now is hurtful but honest. What he used to do was just inflict pain in any way he could with words or threats. Usually he is protective and loving with me, this is his anger. True, anger does not make it right, which is why he apologizes. I know I say and do things in anger that are not right and I am not proud of later either. I think all of us do. Don't you?

Honestly - I think it's important to understand each point of view. Why I felt the need to cheat and why he felt the need to abuse. Both of us have childhood abuse in our past and both of us has mental health issues because of it. I feel like if we just say "sorry I did this", it's like putting a band-aid on a huge gaping wound instead of first cleaning it and then stitching it up. Talking about the why's, though extremely hard and painful and sensitive is like cleaning a deep wound which is also extremely hard and painful and sensitive to do correctly, saying "sorry, I know there is no good reason for what I did and I know I hurt you, I promise to not do that again" is stitching it up properly. You can then start to move on fresh and begin the healing process without the ache of the wound.

Does that make sense?

That's why I want to be able to talk to him about the why's and his abuse is a big part bc I also deal with borderline personality disorder and PTSD and depression and anxiety because of my past. During the abuse - all of that was triggered in a big way at a constant rate, because of the borderline personality disorder I felt unable to leave bc of my fear of myself - I knew if I left I would blame myself, be alone, and
Possible trigger:
because I had been in other abusive relationships but not married and when we broke that was how I behaved due to my borderline personality disorder. Then when he started with the controlling aspect of abuse to get me to not leave in a way it was a relief - bc I could blame him for my choice to not leave and yes he was part of it bc his threats did weigh on me, but my fear of myself was always larger. So he needs to understand how much power he has to trigger my mental health issues bc generally we both can keep both of our respective issues controlled - as long as the other does not unwittingly trigger them or someone else. If we never talk about what happened and why, how can we understand it? But .. I need to understand how to approach it bc maybe I am doing something wrong in the way I am going about it. For instance, I don't ease into it - I am blunt, bc I am not sure how to ease into it.

As to weapon .. the ones we have are strictly for defense and only get taken out when he wants to clean them. That doesn't bother me. I'd actually like him to teach me to use some of them. What bothers me at times is when he talks about conversations he had with people about weapons in the past (the same time frame we had marital issues) and then I start thinking of how things were then and of the ones we have now and I get a minor episode of PTSD .. nothing like I used to from
Possible trigger:
or other more violent things that happend to me well before I ever met him but still a light form of PTSD. I know PTSD well enough to recognise it for what it is so feel he needs to know what triggers it, right?
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