I think I have too many memories and will be sent over the edge of I try to open up about them in therapy. Do you just force yourself to do it anyway? I feel as if I don't force it, it will never happen. There are moments when I feel I can confidently do it and others where I feel like running away and never going back. It seems like once the door is opened, it won't close if I change my mind. It feels like a surrender of control and I've spent a lot of years mastering how to keep things under control so I can function in my life. The idea of allowing someone else to enter that internal world is almost traumatic in and of itself. I think I'm in a safe environment until my defensive mind comes in and convinces me otherwise. This lack of consistency in my thoughts is tormenting.

[Open Eyes]

I have had to force myself to talk about my own challenges, I had thought that others just won't understand how I can be so helpful to others and have a lot of things about myself that have been extremely challenging to me and traumatic. I also understand that fear of losing control too, sharing about yourself opens up a door that can allow others to criticize and judge. There have been many times I was told "it's over so let's not talk about it again", you need to JUST get over it. Thing is, when something really bad happened a lot of things began to come forward and I was told that I did not really process a whole lot of things I experienced in my past.

Do you feel your past is affecting how you feel about yourself and your ability to trust and function in the now of your life?

It's certainly affecting my ability to function in the now. I felt I had 2 choices: therapy or suicide. I chose the therapy route. I don't know what I expected, but it was certainly better than the alternative. Now I'm faced with needing to face reality about myself and how the things I've been through have molded me. I have a lot of fear. I'm less afraid of what other people think and more afraid of losing control. Honestly, the things I say to myself are far more critical than what anyone else could possibly say. Then there's the part that is protective and doesn't want to let anyone near me. It's getting through my own layers of junk that seems to be the hardest part. That junk, no matter what it looks like, has gotten me through life to this point. I don't know... Now I feel like I'm just rambling.

I'm just going to need to (metaphorically speaking) push myself off the cliff an let whatever happens happen.

[eskielover]

Based on my own therapy experience & learning I found out that I didn't have the skills needed to process what was going on so pushing it under cover to function was the coping skill I developed. I also developed a confrontational skill when I got fed up & that didn't work well either.

My therapy taught me skills needed to really handle things like that in my life while at the same time (like in a court case) that was the discovery phase. Things flooded at times & trickled into my awareness at others. Therapy was the time to talk about these things. Some was validating what happened other times it was about why my perception was what it was which was not always accurate. It did open the doors while at the same time processing the memories which didn't usually come in order of when they happened.

When we got most of the things out & processed then my T helped me through the "integration" process (not a DID thing). This worked through why I have reacted now based on what I went through then to understand my NOW self better & to help me REFRAME my now thinking based on what I now know rather than on what I knew then.

Now I go to therapy to discuss what is going on in my life & some of the concerns that creep in from past experiences, determine if they are valid concerns & work through how best to handle them. She is the best therapist I have ever had & at 65 years old it feels like I actually am living the life that was missing the first 54 years of my life.

When I first started in this therapy group my first T confided in me when she retired thst she thought I had built such thick walls she would never get through to me but with the 2 intense years of DBT added in, those walls were shattered & that person hiding behind it all was able to safely emerge.

Sometimes it feels like too much & nightmares happened (always trying to fight to get awsy from parents or H.....the physical fight was my subconscious way of fighting to get away emotionally) Those nightmares have gone away mostly though once in awhile they sneek back in when something stressful has to be dealt with.

There is healing through therapy. It does take lots of work on our part....nothing ever just magically happens....but it definitely is possible. Keep up your hope & keep working toward that healing goal

Originally Posted by Nemo1934

I think I have too many memories and will be sent over the edge of I try to open up about them in therapy. Do you just force yourself to do it anyway? I feel as if I don't force it, it will never happen. There are moments when I feel I can confidently do it and others where I feel like running away and never going back. It seems like once the door is opened, it won't close if I change my mind. It feels like a surrender of control and I've spent a lot of years mastering how to keep things under control so I can function in my life. The idea of allowing someone else to enter that internal world is almost traumatic in and of itself. I think I'm in a safe environment until my defensive mind comes in and convinces me otherwise. This lack of consistency in my thoughts is tormenting.

I think discussing trauma is a very sensitive doorway for many. The ability to do this is the ability to heal oneself. Re-traumatiziation is a possible risk. If one allows the past to hold them back from living a full and complete life, there is another risk present. Living with trauma in your past is sensitive information that can easily get distorted and magnified if not dealt with. Trauma is best resolved if understood before forgotten. Yes, "just get it over with", is one possible solution.

Details of a story are not as important as the lesson. Understanding how not to blame yourself and how to avoid this danger in the future is easier and safer when speaking with someone who is non-bias and is detached from emotion- caused by trauma.

So, to answer your original question. I’d say a subtle no. No, don’t allow a force to determine your goals, assuming you've set goals for yourself. But allow yourself to bring forth the force from within. Sorry to be dorky. Pushing yourself into an uncomfortable experience is work and is also a healthy goal. I know I’ve said trauma is best dealt with quickly, but that needs to be the choice of the victim. Utilizing a natural path of guidance, safety, comfort and support is ideal. Work yourself away from victim-hood and away from past instances of fear, anger, violence, and sadness.

I think your natural feeling to find a comfortable environment to explore your past is the first step to surrendering control. Find ways to ease your burden. In doing this, you may also find that your trauma may not be as heavy as it seems. Also, who you let in is another thought to consider. Are you more critical then they would be? Have you been objective in recalling the facts and your feelings? I think being defensive is okay, and finding a way to balance this and externalize your internal world will help to alleviate unnecessary pressure.

Thank you for such thoughtful input. Lots of things to ponder over. I've got a wonderful therapist that I believe will be an instrumental guide & sounding board. I'm just coming to terms with connecting trauma to my experiences. I've walked around for many years I think never seeing things for what they truly have been and just how much they have affected my total view of everything. At 45 yrs old, this is a very insecure and unstable feeling. I question everything and have lost my self trust. You are probably accurate that maybe it won't seem so large once it is all really explored and processed in the right setting.

Originally Posted by eskielover

Based on my own therapy experience & learning I found out that I didn't have the skills needed to process what was going on so pushing it under cover to function was the coping skill I developed. I also developed a confrontational skill when I got fed up & that didn't work well either.

My therapy taught me skills needed to really handle things like that in my life while at the same time (like in a court case) that was the discovery phase. Things flooded at times & trickled into my awareness at others. Therapy was the time to talk about these things. Some was validating what happened other times it was about why my perception was what it was which was not always accurate. It did open the doors while at the same time processing the memories which didn't usually come in order of when they happened.

When we got most of the things out & processed then my T helped me through the "integration" process (not a DID thing). This worked through why I have reacted now based on what I went through then to understand my NOW self better & to help me REFRAME my now thinking based on what I now know rather than on what I knew then.

Now I go to therapy to discuss what is going on in my life & some of the concerns that creep in from past experiences, determine if they are valid concerns & work through how best to handle them. She is the best therapist I have ever had & at 65 years old it feels like I actually am living the life that was missing the first 54 years of my life.

When I first started in this therapy group my first T confided in me when she retired thst she thought I had built such thick walls she would never get through to me but with the 2 intense years of DBT added in, those walls were shattered & that person hiding behind it all was able to safely emerge.

Sometimes it feels like too much & nightmares happened (always trying to fight to get awsy from parents or H.....the physical fight was my subconscious way of fighting to get away emotionally) Those nightmares have gone away mostly though once in awhile they sneek back in when something stressful has to be dealt with.

There is healing through therapy. It does take lots of work on our part....nothing ever just magically happens....but it definitely is possible. Keep up your hope & keep working toward that healing goal

Thank you so much for your response. Reading it made me feel hopeful. I like what you say about realizing you didn't have the skills to work through things on your own. I guess if I had that, I wouldn't be in this place. I find that I almost purposefully have been keeping a space between myself and my spouse and others close to me. That has felt very uncomfortable, and maybe you provided me some insight as to why. Just thanks...

[Calla lily12]

My therapist tells me to never force memories. He has shown me grounding techniques to use if I have a flashback. He also uses a type of hypnosis so that "I" am not experiencing the feelings behind the memories. When it's time, memories will come.