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Old 04-14-2019, 07:42 AM   #1
puzzclar
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Default Gatekeeper

I hate my life
Yet I love my life.

How can I love and hate?
This makes me sick

I feel bad that I may be hospitalized
Yet I'm in grad school

Do I feel safe?
As safe as I'll ever be.

Do I call?
No, I can't.

Things are not that bad.
But the memory of undergad is there

If I'm hospitalized will I survive
What will happen to my program

Will I be gatekeeped from
Doing what I love?????


Gatekeeper a term used for those that are inadequate for counseling programs. I don't want to be a statistic, I want to help people but can I do it in a couple of years, or do I need to postpone?
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Old 04-15-2019, 12:20 AM   #2
saidso
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Default Re: Gatekeeper

You sound cool to me, but I am a (fairly critical) regular person not a decision maker on your training.
I remember feeling like you say when I was young - wanting to help but being so damaged.
For me it wasn't possible to help in the way that I intended, but life picked me up and pushed me in another direction.
That's what life does in my experience, so the question might be one of letting go to the flow and trusting yourself.

I am very fractured at base level which no one sees, and impatient with other people's lack of insight.
Going inpatient with other fractured people, or family life can help people be more kind than I am in that respect.

So I would say - "you sound perceptive enough to do something very good with your life if you stay open to all the options". Don't worry. Work steadily towards what you love.
Some counselling decision makers (many perhaps) are very rigid in their criteria, but there are also some creative leaders in the profession. You will find the teacher than you need. Fight for what you love any way that seems appropriate, but also take time off from fighting to learn TRUST.

I'm a Taoist martial artist and that has taught me "do nothing, your life is already inside you". Do just what needs to be done in the present, and what needs to be done for the future when you get a clear view of that.
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*"Fierce <-> Reality"*

oh god I am struggling today, help me to remember how to stay connected and human!

remember: the nut shell against human predators and my own fear!
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Old 04-15-2019, 10:04 PM   #3
puzzclar
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No one will change meds for me. I'm at my whits end. I'm about to go to the ER, if things don't improve. I sure hope they do. Because I need to study.
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Old 04-17-2019, 05:17 PM   #4
puzzclar
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I went inpaitent. So I am now getting the support I need. Although I can't get off the second floor.
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