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Default May 03, 2019 at 10:06 PM
  #1
Ok - so I was diagnosed with PTSD a long time ago. I also worked through many issues and thus was deemed "cured" - though it still pops up from time to time but not (usually) on as extreme an intensity. Because of that, I have decided PTSD never truly goes away - but it "dims out" enough it no longer disrupts you as much.

Problem is - this morning I woke up in terror from a dream about a memory of something I had been told I had "worked through". Thing was - this time - I realized something about it I had not earlier. It scared me .. it still does.

See, at one point - when I was 16 - my father n I were having yet another argument about my boyfriend. He did not like him bc he was not "smart enough" (I was in advanced classes, he was in the learning disabled classes) and his family was "too poor" (we were middle class and Dad was in Navy, they were poor survived by getting food that no longer could be sold and his dad did car repair from his home). My Dad started asking me questions n then when I would try to answer, he would tell me to shut up - so I would. This went on about 3 times. Then after more yelling, he says to me "by the way, you never answered my question." I said "which question was that Dad" he repeated the first. I said "well - I tried to - you told me to shut up, so I did. Which do you want me to do? Answer? Or shut up? I can't do both."

With that he smacked me across the face so hard it bounced twice back n forth.

I started staring off into the mirror in front of me.

He asked if I wanted another one.

I said "if it'll make you feel better Dad, go ahead."

He did.

That pissed me off.

We were in his bedroom this entire time n he was lying propped up on pillows under the covers. - When he smacked me that second time, I hauled off and smacked his leg (which was under blankets)

That pissed him off enough he flew out of bed, grabbed me, picked me up, threw me on bed, pushed me down, climbed on top of me, pinned me down n started shaking me n yelling at me ..

I always remembered all that.

What I realized though - I thought he was on all fours over top of me shaking me. That would not be possible to do and maintain balance.

Which - gives creedence to why I remember being scared he was going to
Possible trigger:
- he was sitting atop me, in a military defensive hand to hand combat move. My dad was in full rage that day - now I wonder - did he want
Possible trigger:
? And - that makes my stepmom's comment (which I previously just saw as cruel) honestly horrific
Possible trigger:


I don't know who to talk to about this but it honestly has my PTSD on this and my
Possible trigger:
that are unrelated to my father in any way popping up all over the place.

When I woke - the memory of the dream was still there so vivid I could not go back to sleep even though I was dead tired.

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Default May 04, 2019 at 04:00 PM
  #2
Nevermind - I don't need any support. I have learned well over the years to do without it.

Over 60 views, 0 responses ... tells the story all too well. It's one I'm used to.

Take care ..

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Default May 05, 2019 at 04:16 AM
  #3
Hi Crypts of the mind. I didn't read this until now. It seems like the views without replies have gone and triggered off old stuff about being alone/unsupported now as well. Just to add to everything.
Personally I think PTSD symptoms can settle down for quite long periods of time and then get triggered up by something again. It kicks my butt a lot. Do you have any idea what might have triggered the dream?

I hope you find a way to calm the emotional flashback kind of stuff.
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Default May 05, 2019 at 04:56 AM
  #4
Crypts, sorry I just saw this. Worked 7.8 hours yesterday at a Rock Festival plus lots of stuff going on with my family. I am sorry that you aren't getting all of the support you need. You might want to consider going back to therapy. Think of therapy as a treatment for this chronic and terrible PTSD that is NOT your fault. Just like other serious chronic illnesses, it flairs up then retreats. You might suffer less if you seek help when it rears its ugly head.

I am sorry your dad did that to you and that you have been
Possible trigger:
That you were still so young makes it all the more painful though it would hurt no matter what your age. Has your dad even acknowledged how badly he screwed up? I think if he hasn't, this makes also it makes it harder to heal.

I agree with Amyjay, you probably saw, read, or are dealing with something (severe stress?) that has triggered your PTSD. Serious things happened to you that were not your fault including your father really, seriously damaging you with his rage. I am sorry. Hugs.
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Default May 05, 2019 at 05:20 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Nowinners View Post
Crypts, sorry I just saw this. Worked 7.8 hours yesterday at a Rock Festival plus lots of stuff going on with my family. I am sorry that you aren't getting all of the support you need. You might want to consider going back to therapy. Think of therapy as a treatment for this chronic and terrible PTSD that is NOT your fault. Just like other serious chronic illnesses, it flairs up then retreats. You might suffer less if you seek help when it rears its ugly head.

I am sorry your dad did that to you and that you have been
Possible trigger:
That you were still so young makes it all the more painful though it would hurt no matter what your age. Has your dad even acknowledged how badly he screwed up? I think if he hasn't, this makes also it makes it harder to heal.

I agree with Amyjay, you probably saw, read, or are dealing with something (severe stress?) that has triggered your PTSD. Serious things happened to you that were not your fault including your father really, seriously damaging you with his rage. I am sorry. Hugs.
I have been wanting to get back to counseling even before this happened bc my depression came back really bad .. but no $ for it and no way to get help bc we (my husband and I) make just over the limit for assistance. So .. I am stuck on my own til I either snap or get back under control on my own. Honestly though, when I did go to therapy - their answer to my PTSD problems was "I have a lot of clients that went through worse than you. This happened years ago. I don't understand why it still bothers you. Get over it!" So I don't really trust them n never will but thought perhaps they know new things that may help bc the things I been using aren't helping as well anymore.

Thanks for responding ❤

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Default May 05, 2019 at 05:40 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amyjay View Post
Hi Crypts of the mind. I didn't read this until now. It seems like the views without replies have gone and triggered off old stuff about being alone/unsupported now as well. Just to add to everything.
Personally I think PTSD symptoms can settle down for quite long periods of time and then get triggered up by something again. It kicks my butt a lot. Do you have any idea what might have triggered the dream?

I hope you find a way to calm the emotional flashback kind of stuff.
No views n etc triggers off feelings of abandonment bc of my BPD n given this particular part of my memory was new and was truly pushing me to suicidal and self harm feelings on its own - the abandonment issue just made me made me angry .. which is better than usual. Usually I would have given in to my urges. I had actually turned off notifications to this so I wasn't worrying myself about it anymore - but occasionally I checked "just in case".

There truly was nothing to trigger the flashback. I had not been talking about nor thinking of that event and I did not watch any TV that day.

Up until that dream I thought my Dad had simply flew out of bed, picked me up, threw me on the bed, pushed me down, and held me down .. in a position similar to when you are crawling on all fours. But .. he was shaking me severely while he was yelling at me. You can't do that while in that position and maintain your balance..

I remembered how he had me in my dream. It startled me. It worried me. It haunted my mind. So I looked it up to be sure I was right. Yes. This is a military defense move. No, I never learned military tactics - but my Dad is military. He is trained to use those tactics in high stress and dangerous situations - when warranted. He was highly stressed. That's why I am not sure if he meant to
Possible trigger:
. That freaks me out. That particular move .. The normal thing to do with the hands (instead of shake the person) is
Possible trigger:
... but even severe shaking is dangerous for me bc I have had seizures since I was 15mo old.

Thank you for responding. ❤

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Default May 06, 2019 at 05:56 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind View Post
I have been wanting to get back to counseling even before this happened bc my depression came back really bad .. but no $ for it and no way to get help bc we (my husband and I) make just over the limit for assistance. So .. I am stuck on my own til I either snap or get back under control on my own. Honestly though, when I did go to therapy - their answer to my PTSD problems was "I have a lot of clients that went through worse than you. This happened years ago. I don't understand why it still bothers you. Get over it!" So I don't really trust them n never will but thought perhaps they know new things that may help bc the things I been using aren't helping as well anymore.

Thanks for responding ❤
Some mental health professionals just aren't very good. So many of us don't get the care we need. I am getting better care now but if I had had access to good care when I was in crisis, it would have saved the government so much money. My SUI attempt resulted in a hospital bill well over $300,000 and the doctors never even billed (who knows what those bills would have been) me because they knew I didn't have the money and I declared bankruptcy after I was well enough to do the paperwork. Our country needs to get some of its priorities straighted out from my POV.

I am sorry that this is the only place you have to get treatment.
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Default May 08, 2019 at 06:22 PM
  #8
Hey Crypts,
Sorry I just read this. Sometimes so caught up in my own shxx I miss someone else asking for help. I don't have a lot to add... It's piss luck if you can find a counselor that can really help. Mine is very understanding, and pays attention. I don't know how much help talk therapy is without specialized training. It is better than not having anyone to talk to.

I have not had dreams that are about real stuff. My dreams are vivid, but surreal. What happened to you is rough. No one deserves to be treated that way, especially a kid. Just want you to know I care, even if I don't have any great words of wisdom. Hugs.

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Default May 11, 2019 at 07:51 PM
  #9
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Hey Crypts,
Sorry I just read this. Sometimes so caught up in my own shxx I miss someone else asking for help. I don't have a lot to add... It's piss luck if you can find a counselor that can really help. Mine is very understanding, and pays attention. I don't know how much help talk therapy is without specialized training. It is better than not having anyone to talk to.

I have not had dreams that are about real stuff. My dreams are vivid, but surreal. What happened to you is rough. No one deserves to be treated that way, especially a kid. Just want you to know I care, even if I don't have any great words of wisdom. Hugs.
I had a counselor at one time. Stopped years ago. No money now. Its not possible.

Thanks for caring n posting.

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Default May 21, 2019 at 02:00 PM
  #10
What your father did to you was brutal, and your step mother's reply was horrific no matter what she thought had happened! And to use combat skills he had learned in the military on his daughter bc he was angry, that's really grave.

I can relate to realizing new aspects of an abusive situation, and then have all the force of PTSD wash back over you. It doesn't really take much either. And I too believe it doesn't ever go away completely. I'm thinking that something that had you so traumatized that you got PTSD impacts you too deeply for it to ever go away. Just like a scar never goes away. But that you can have good periods, and that the bad times are less bad...

And those therapists... They shouldn't have that kind of job! You'd think that people trained in psychology and treating PTSD patients know it's not possible to "just get over it". It's hard to get help that actually helps.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. It's just so incredibly unfair, that not only are you hurt in a given situation and then it's over, but that you keep experiencing the feelings you had over and over and over, and how it affects so many parts of your life. They don't only hurt you then and there, they also take away everything that was supposed to feel good for years to come. All the experiences you were supposed to have, but that you didn't because you were lying in bed, or on the bathroom floor too exhausted to stand up. They steal your life. And not a lot of people seem to understand that.

I don't know if any of this made any sense.. But I care. You matter, your feelings matter, your life matters. I don't know if you manage to feel it for yourself, but you are so precious! And you deserve so much better that what you have been given.

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Default May 21, 2019 at 03:44 PM
  #11
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What your father did to you was brutal, and your step mother's reply was horrific no matter what she thought had happened! And to use combat skills he had learned in the military on his daughter bc he was angry, that's really grave.
Thank you for saying this. Most people either try to defend her or both of them or make me feel "wrong" for feeling as I do.

Quote:
I can relate to realizing new aspects of an abusive situation, and then have all the force of PTSD wash back over you. It doesn't really take much either.
I am sorry you can relate to that - it is not a "fun" thing. It used to be a lot worse for me .. it has gotten better, but that dream really set me off and I have no idea what triggered the memory or even thoughts of it.

Quote:
And I too believe it doesn't ever go away completely. I'm thinking that something that had you so traumatized that you got PTSD impacts you too deeply for it to ever go away. Just like a scar never goes away. But that you can have good periods, and that the bad times are less bad...
I agree on this but I don't think any therapust or doctor will ever admit it as truth.

Quote:
And those therapists... They shouldn't have that kind of job! You'd think that people trained in psychology and treating PTSD patients know it's not possible to "just get over it". It's hard to get help that actually helps.
I honestly have come to the conclusion all therapists are cruel in some manner. Each one I have had has been. So I am basing my conclusion mostly off experience, but talking with people on here - I have not heard good experiences either. Perhaps I am wrong, but I only give a small possibility for it.

Quote:
I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. It's just so incredibly unfair, that not only are you hurt in a given situation and then it's over, but that you keep experiencing the feelings you had over and over and over, and how it affects so many parts of your life.
Thank you for your kindness. ❤
I understand life is never fair though.
I have also come to the conclusion that pain (of all nature) will be dealt more n more often as time goes by. It upsets me when I cannot understand it and when I see people not caring about others (be it myself or someone else). I also become really rattled when all my mh problems topple on me all at one time bc then nothing seems to make sense. So, I think pain is going to become a bigger and bigger part of everyone's life - whether ot is from current things, past things, mh problems, self destructive things, or simply people not caring ... all of it causes pain.

Quote:
They don't only hurt you then and there, they also take away everything that was supposed to feel good for years to come. All the experiences you were supposed to have, but that you didn't because you were lying in bed, or on the bathroom floor too exhausted to stand up. They steal your life. And not a lot of people seem to understand that.
This is similar to how I used to be when my PTSD was really bad. Thunderstorms (even small ones) used to cause me to turn ice cold and completely white. I would not be able to move at all and just be trapped in a memory of when I was stuck outside in a thunderstorm bc I had been walking several miles to meet up with my ex boyfriend (he was going to meet me and carry me on his bike the rest of the way - we did this while dating too .. met half way). When I got halfway to meeting him, it started thunderstorming. Lightning was coming down everywhere. Several fire trucks were out putting out fires in different areas from where lightning had stuck trees, telephone poles, etc. When we finally did meet up n he had me on his bicycle, he veered off toward the woods behind our school. I asked where he was going. He said
Possible trigger:
He kept going .. I jumped off the bike. He ran after me and grabbed me and tried to pull me over. I jerked my hand and it slipped out bc of how wet I was from the rain - and ran across 4 lanes of traffic without checking to look for cars. I ran to a restaurant directly across the street - as I passed an electricity pole, it got struck by lightning. Just as I got to the restaurant, the lights went out. In the state of mind I was in - I didn't realize that electricity pole had also had a transformer on it and it had thus knocked out the electricity.. but rather thought the restaurant had just closed. I sank down in front of the door, holding my knees and sobbing, and rocking back and forth. It took 10 people to coax me inside. Once inside, they gave me free drinks bc I was in shock. While I was drinking - my ex came in. He sat at the same table as me, directly across from me, staring at me. So that whole thunderstorm, I spent staring at him, scared. That thunderstorm was so bad afterward the whole sky was a neon orange color. I have not seen that before or since. It changed the sky that color bc of all the electricity that had been in the air. After that, I connected thunderstorms to that experience - and went back to the feeling of how I was outside the door n of looking into his eyes.

Quote:
I don't know if any of this made any sense.. But I care. You matter, your feelings matter, your life matters. I don't know if you manage to feel it for yourself, but you are so precious! And you deserve so much better that what you have been given.
It made perfect sense, and I really do appreciate you deeply for the kindness you have shown with these words. Sometimes I know I matter n etc (most times unless my mh is acting up) but sometimes I just feel - I should "step back" and let others do or say what they need so they can feel better. That can be healthy at times - but I still have issue figuring out when it is healthy n when it is not. I used to always allow others feelings to overrule my own n rather willingly be a stepping stone. Now, I tend to want to be the one who is listened to all the time. In the moments I am either not heard or allow someone else's feelings to overrule my own - I feel I am going back to the past days and start feeling I no longer matter anymore. So .. it's hard for me to balance even though I know I need to. I hope that makes sense?

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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 01:38 PM
  #12
What your ex did to you was really mean - and dangerous as well! No wonder thunderstorms have that effect on you

And yes, it does make sense what you write about knowing your self worth and then losing sight of it. I have that too. But most of the time, what I know and what I feel don't match up. I can know that I am valuable, but I don't feel like I am. And I don't even think about it or notice it a lot of the time. But it struck me a couple of weeks ago, when my husband said something about it not being healthy to use some type of painkiller for too long, and I was like, "it's fine, why do you care?" But he cares because he values himself and his own body. I don't. So treating myself without care is the norm for me.

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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 10:48 PM
  #13
I think your example of what you did n how you reacted to your husband - is something my husband would do n how he would react to me saying something similar as your husband said to you. He and I both have mh issues and we both have issues with not loving ourselves enough at times - but both of us display it in different ways. He is more similar to you. I tend to just berate myself into an isolation so deep its unreal and then continue to chastise myself. I have gotten much better at not doing that but it still happens at times. Especially if my mh gets triggered.

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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 11:16 AM
  #14
Years ago i had circumstances like yours but different .My dad was a man that didn't talk but when it came to punishment, he wrote the book on infusing fear into being corrected. You see, fear is an easily embedded reaction, a naturally simple emotion we all have that can mold is into being something we are normally not. It pumps up adrenal output and how we react is measured by the exposure to fear. So i hid from my dad all the time. He had a job that was stressful and was an alcoholic.
Later in my high school years, i found myself in situations where when i saw kids being made fun of or crying, i reacted to that with violence. I saw those kids, sad and crying and i began to see a grey blur. I became sad because they were, much like the way it dealt with being punished. I put myself into another plane of existence.
I can sometimes remember the hurt of their faces when i have dreams of events happening now. It's not the same thing you have, but i guess I'm sayng the power of the human mind is just incredible. Something we'll never fully understand. So it may seem different and not at all related to your issue, but it is another example of the mysterious ways of the mind.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 08:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Malcolmsadness View Post
Years ago i had circumstances like yours but different .My dad was a man that didn't talk but when it came to punishment, he wrote the book on infusing fear into being corrected. You see, fear is an easily embedded reaction, a naturally simple emotion we all have that can mold is into being something we are normally not. It pumps up adrenal output and how we react is measured by the exposure to fear. So i hid from my dad all the time. He had a job that was stressful and was an alcoholic.
Later in my high school years, i found myself in situations where when i saw kids being made fun of or crying, i reacted to that with violence. I saw those kids, sad and crying and i began to see a grey blur. I became sad because they were, much like the way it dealt with being punished. I put myself into another plane of existence.
I can sometimes remember the hurt of their faces when i have dreams of events happening now. It's not the same thing you have, but i guess I'm sayng the power of the human mind is just incredible. Something we'll never fully understand. So it may seem different and not at all related to your issue, but it is another example of the mysterious ways of the mind.
Sounds like yours is PTSD of a different type in that it is on the other end of the spectrum so to speak. Whereas I have the PTSD from feeling fear .. you have it as a reaction to the anger you felt at the memory of the fear. If I am understanding corrrectly?

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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 09:15 PM
  #16
Exactly. Not to take away from your issue at all, but rather i was trying to give the view for another understanding. If that makes any sense to you. Sometimes it's not always the best solution to continue to tear down the road built but to construct a new bridge over it? I was told this by my grandfather.
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